The dreaded ex...his, not mine..

Femelade

I am extrememly intimidated by one of my boyfreinds ex's. he loved her and she broke his heart...6 yrs ago!
We are together 18 months, for the last yr or so she has started up contact with him again, the odd message, didnt bother me too much until the late night/early phone calls started. It became clear she wanted him back. After a night out on sat night i had my boyfriens phone as i was going ringing a taxi and a message came in from her (he had met her in the club) telling him how great he looked and to delete the message. of course i freaked!
He wouldnt give me her number so i could ring her - he even said he was "afraid of what she would say to me"..so i rang her the next day ( got the number of my friend) we had a fairly civil conversation, she apologised for alot of the things she did, but she also said that it hasnt been all one sided and that he has said certain things to her, i didnt get a chance to ask her what because he came into my room at that stage.I told her that if she wants to talk to him, she doesnt have to wait until i am gone to the loo or whatever and she doesnt have to walk away if i go over to him. i found out later from him that she had been txting him the week before after we had seen her out in a club, he told her he would have talked to her but i wouldnt like it.
also, i saw a message in his phone on new yrs eve 06/07 from her mentioning that he had told her he still had feeling for her, he denies it, but said he might have cos he was drunk that night.

what would you girls do in this situation??
would you have rang her or let it go??
would you be intimidated by an ex like this??
am i totally over reacting??

pow wow

Cut him loose. Or give him a 'her or me' ultimatum. To be honest he sounds a wee bit sketchy in all this...not saying he's trying to get back with her....but his behaviour would be ringing alarm bells in my head too. Her behaviour isn't the real issue here, his is.

If you trust him then explain how it makes you feel. See what he says.

LadyJ

Wouldn't have the guts to call her myself so well done, I think you did the right thing. However, I think you really need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious talk. If my boyfriend was texting his ex saying he had feelings for her or whatever, I would be seriously pissed off and be questioning what role I was playing in his life.

It's fine to chat to your ex if it is all very innocent but in this case I think it all seems a bit covert and suspicious tbh. He is with you, if she is carrying on like this then he should be ignoring her or getting a new number imo. He should not be entertaining it. If he continues to talk to her, knowing she still has feelings for him and is saying things to her that suggest he feels the same, then I would be pretty pissed off. I'd say dump him if it continues. Don't be made a fool of.

Femelade

well it was a long time ago when he supposedly told her he had feeling for her , we were only together 4 months.
he swears he had no feelings for her, and its me he wants to be with. when he was with her, he two timed her alot and she two timed him, and he was miserable most of the time, whereas i haev nevr two timed him, wouldnt dream of it and he hasnt two timed me wither, i trust him on that. We are very happy together. i just wish she would go away or meet someone.

pampers1

Hi there. I had the exact same problem when I started going out with my BF. We're still together now after 4 years but at the beginning his Ex was everywhere. I didn't even know who she was at first and then I saw her at a party and she was all over him like a rash. and same as you late night/early morning phone calls. I wasn't impressed at all and just basically told him that if he didn't cut all ties with her then that was it. I bought him a new mobile for our first christmas and made sure he got a new number as well so she didn't have it any more. We're really happy now thank god but for a while at the beginning it was touch and go. To be honest I think it does be more of a "oh I used to own him" type of thing rather than actually wanting to get back with him. I felt it was more aimed at annoying me rather than trying to win him back. So you should probably just stick it out and delete her number from his phone or get him a new one... but its not worth breaking up over or anything like that.

LadyJ

Femmy wrote: »

well it was a long time ago when he supposedly told her he had feeling for her , we were only together 4 months.
he swears he had no feelings for her, and its me he wants to be with. when he was with her, he two timed her alot and she two timed him, and he was miserable most of the time, whereas i haev nevr two timed him, wouldnt dream of it and he hasnt two timed me wither, i trust him on that. We are very happy together. i just wish she would go away or meet someone.

Tbh, I would ask him to stop texting her. Cut contact totally with her. Get a new number even. She is hassling him and hassling you. Why would anyone want to get calls from their ex at all hours unless they secretly liked it?

I mean if someone was annoying me like that then I'd block their number or something. Makes sense.

That's just my opinion.

Mr. Incognito

careful of the green monster here. Insecurity and jealousy are not attractive traits. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Your boyfriend is with you. His ex broke his heart and I'm sure he has a lot of feelins swilling about over this. I think all this "her or me" is completely chilish crap. He should have the maturity to make that decision himself and explain to his ex that there is no chance of reconciliation. I think he seems to be sitting on the fense about it. A rational chat is need explaining how you feel without all this snooping and ringing ex's. He needs to tell ehr to respect his current relationship and you need to back off. You cannot force someone to love you.

aye

LadyJ wrote: »

Tbh, I would ask him to stop texting her. Cut contact totally with her. Get a new number even. She is hassling him and hassling you. Why would anyone want to get calls from their ex at all hours unless they secretly liked it?

I mean if someone was annoying me like that then I'd block their number or something. Makes sense.

That's just my opinion.

he can't block her number unless he goes to the guards about it.
and most blokes won't go to the guards for something like this, as generally it will fizzle out.
i dont think telling him me or her will work, i think that is ridiculous.
you just need to sit down and talk to him about and get his side of the story.

i would be well pissed off that if a gf went behind my back to ring my ex just cos she sent a few texts.

Dragan

You said it yourself that she broke his heart, no point in being suprised if the guy gets confused when she comes back on the scene.

The simply point is that she may be in "sketchy ex-girlfriend" column, but your eventually gonna make your way into "sketchy current girlfriend who obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend" column and that will kill your relationship quicker than anything.

Your just gonna have to deal with the fact that your boyfriend might be confused and come out of it safe in the knowledge that your ARE the best thing that ever happened to him or he might turn around and go back to the old girlfriend.

Thats why relationships get tested over time, some will stand up to the punishment and others won't. It's a sad fact that you gotta go through some that don't work to find the one that will.

I will tell you right now that if you demand he stop contacting her then it's game over, at least if he has anyback bone. Girls who make demands like that aren't look for a dynamic relationship between two people, they are looking for a pet.

LadyJ

aye wrote: »

he can't block her number unless he goes to the guards about it.
and most blokes won't go to the guards for something like this, as generally it will fizzle out.
i dont think telling him me or her will work, i think that is ridiculous.
you just need to sit down and talk to him about and get his side of the story.

i would be well pissed off that if a gf went behind my back to ring my ex just cos she sent a few texts.

I agree that the her or me thing sounds childish but if my boyfriend was answering calls from his ex in the wee hours all the time then imo something is seriously wrong and I would find it extremely disrespectful to me.

I have no problem with my boyfriend talking to his exs but if this kind of crap started then I think there would be a problem. You can't tell someone to stop talking to an ex, you don't own them but if it is coming to the point where he is disrespecting you by entertaining this sort of thing then I'd have a chat with him explaining how hurtful this type of behaviour is.

Femelade

He knows i rang her, and at first i think he was pissed off but last nihgt, said it was probably a good thing, and maybe it will all stop now.
i have never asked him to not contact her, i just want to know about it!! if she txts him, i would like him to tell me, so i dont feel like there is something going on behind my back.
he doesnt even have her number in his phone, her name does not come up on his phone, just her number.
i've never been so blunt to say its "me or her" to him, but i did ask him what he makes of the whole situation, like does he want to get back with her, he just said that he is very confused over the situation and he doesnt understand it.

Cathmandooo

Femmy wrote: »

He knows i rang her, and at first i think he was pissed off but last nihgt, said it was probably a good thing, and maybe it will all stop now.
i have never asked him to not contact her, i just want to know about it!! if she txts him, i would like him to tell me, so i dont feel like there is something going on behind my back.
he doesnt even have her number in his phone, her name does not come up on his phone, just her number.
i've never been so blunt to say its "me or her" to him, but i did ask him what he makes of the whole situation, like does he want to get back with her, he just said that he is very confused over the situation and he doesnt understand it.

He shouldnt be confused, does that mean he might want to get back with her? tell him that's very unfair on you and that you need to know where you stand. Ask him to take time to think it all through and he'll have to do what he thinks best to get over his confusion.

Becareful though, he might confide in her that you're 'pushing' him to decide and it'll make her look like the better prospect.

I don't envy you being in this situation, I hope it works out well for you.

Lil' Smiler

what would you girls do in this situation??
I would have talked to him about it first before talking to her. To be honest I doubt I would have contacted her, fair enough if you kind of know her but this sorta thing happened with my ex and I just ate the face off him instead... not that that worked of course!


would you have rang her or let it go??
No I wouldn't have. It's up to him to cut off the ties with her and decide what he wants to do about it. Maybe if she's ringing/texting etc then knowing it pisses you off will only encourage her more (dunno if she's trying to get him back or whatever)


would you be intimidated by an ex like this??
In a way yes. It's not nice to have somebody interfere with your relationship, especially an ex. Also it'd make me feel like i couldn't trust my bf etc which is obviously going to cause a strain. I remember I once checked my ex's phone and saw messages & calls from her etc, it bothered me so much that i kept on checking. made me feel crap about myself, him, the relationship.. i know it was my own fault but I'm never doing it with my current bf, not that I'd need to anyway!

He used to sneakily ring her and if it's one thing I hate is people who are sneaky!! If I couldn't see him one night he'd tell me he was staying in to babysit his brothers & he'd invite her up or ring her. be texting her and would claim it was his friend from college and crap like that..grr!!

am i totally over reacting??
No. not if it bothers you that she's keeping in contact with him and if he has lied to you or kept it a secret from you.

aye

LadyJ wrote: »

I agree that the her or me thing sounds childish but if my boyfriend was answering calls from his ex in the wee hours all the time then imo something is seriously wrong and I would find it extremely disrespectful to me.

I have no problem with my boyfriend talking to his exs but if this kind of crap started then I think there would be a problem. You can't tell someone to stop talking to an ex, you don't own them but if it is coming to the point where he is disrespecting you by entertaining this sort of thing then I'd have a chat with him explaining how hurtful this type of behaviour is.

agreed, a chat with him.
no problem with that, its what i was saying.
i dont agree with ringing his ex behind his back.

OP just say its making you uncomfortable. he should take it upon himself from there to sort it out.

Dyr

Femmy wrote: »

he doesnt even have her number in his phone, her name does not come up on his phone, just her number.

heh heh, that old classic, the dog.

Maple

Don't agree with you ringing the ex at all. Firstly you're only stroking her ego, letting her know that you're actually worried. She'll probably step up her game now, especially now she knows she has her foot through the door and is rocking your foundation.

Secondly why should she have respect for your relationship when your boyf obviously doesn't?? Contact with an ex is fine but sneaky behind the back late night phonecalls and suspicious texts are a huge no-no. Its such a suspicious situation, I really feel for you here.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's sitting on the fence, he should have told you about her sending him inappropriate texts. Maybe he thought he could handle it but it sounds like he can't.

You need to sit down with your boyf and have an honest chat with him. As hard as it is there is no point in asking him not to contact her, its a rocky road to nowhere once you start giving ultimatums but just explain that its upsetting you.

Best of luck OP, hope it all gets sorted out soon.

Femelade

He doesnt ring her ever, that i know.
the late night phone calls happened for about a few weeks about 9 months ago, he didnt answer any of them bar one, and i was with him. He did ring her last summer and asked her to stop ringing/txting him. And they did stop, i know that if he was out without me and if she was out they would have a chat, that i dont mind, so long as he tells me.
She txts him the odd ocassion, i.e last week she txted him and he txted her back, but he didnt tell me. that was the only thing that pissed me off, not the fact that he txted her back, but that he didnt tell me. i have talked to him about it, i havent asked him to stop having contact with her, but i did ask him to tell me when she does. He said he doesnt tell me cos he knows it upsets me, but he knows now that it upsets me more when i find out afterwards. i dont want to be made a fool of and feel like there is something going on behind my back.

Mrs_Doyle

Just read your thread now, and I gotta say, I wouldn't like to be in your situation.
My boyfriends EX was interested in him for a long time after they split, and after we got together.
Mostly, she would just make attempts to talk to him when we went to his home town, there was no phone contact... or she would often sit there giving me evil eyes, or sniggering with her friends.
I wasn't bothered though, not really, it was incredibly childish behaviour, and I was fairly confident in our relationship.
He moved from Offaly to Dublin to be closer to me, and I just never felt threatened by her.
However, if I had ever discovered he had been talking to her in secret, the way you did.... well, it would have been a different ball game altogether.

First of all, I can't stand secrecy, and the way he communicated with her without your knowledge, well it tells me he liked the taboo of it all, even if nothing physical happened.
He built up an intimacy with her by texting in secret, and by making out that you would have a problem with them talking to one another.
That wasn't really fair of him.

I'm guessing he likes the attention, maybe this whole thing has been nothing but a major ego stroke for him, and now that you are well informed, it could possibly be the end of it.

I would still sit down and talk to him, ask him why he felt he had to keep secrets, whathe got out of the whole thing, and why he felt he couldn't keep you in the picture.

straricco

Hi Femmy, when someone hurts you so much it would be hard to love them again. Guys definately think that way even more than girls do, girls are more willing to forgive. Unless he's a right twat he won't go near her again, maybe it just helped with his bruised ego to find out that she still likes him. There's nothing worse than a broken heart & maybe it has just made him feel better about past knowing that she still likes him. But I'm sure he remembers what it was actually like when he was with her. Good luck!

Lil' Smiler

Femmy wrote: »

He doesnt ring her ever, that i know.
the late night phone calls happened for about a few weeks about 9 months ago, he didnt answer any of them bar one, and i was with him. He did ring her last summer and asked her to stop ringing/txting him. And they did stop, i know that if he was out without me and if she was out they would have a chat, that i dont mind, so long as he tells me.
She txts him the odd ocassion, i.e last week she txted him and he txted her back, but he didnt tell me. that was the only thing that pissed me off, not the fact that he txted her back, but that he didnt tell me. i have talked to him about it, i havent asked him to stop having contact with her, but i did ask him to tell me when she does. He said he doesnt tell me cos he knows it upsets me, but he knows now that it upsets me more when i find out afterwards. i dont want to be made a fool of and feel like there is something going on behind my back.

To be honest, I can see his point and your point.

I know that if i asked my bf not to text an ex or something like that, that he wouldn't do it if i didn't like it.

I think that he doesn't see it as a big issue, so that's why he's not told you about texting her maybe because he thinks that it's more hassle than it's worth to tell you. you know like in a sort of protection way for your relationship that he doesn't want it to cause problems.

Yer one should move on in all fairness, she had her chance with him 6 years ago and by the sounds of it screwed it up!!

Hun I feel for you these situations can drive you up the ****ing wall, other than getting this through to him there's not much you can do

I've been guilty of this before but he had respect for his new relationship so then I did too, kinda helped me over the whole thing and now we are acquaintances who'd have a chat every once in a while

Regarding my current relationship \sigh!

I have had a words with him several times over her contact and I consider myself a walkover really on the issue I don’t even discuss it with my friends
I would just rather know the entire story really and I said that after a couple of incidents and he is honest about it now so its fine with me

He ignores her most the time but she's persistently whiney about it but he won't tell her he's moved on which is why I suspect she still contacts him the odd time. He does this as he doesn't want to cause her distress as she's still mad about him and he still feels guilty over dumping her I know she will prob find out eventually.
I have pictured myself accidently running into her and just telling her as I know myself no self respecting girl would behave like this or even want to be kept in the dark but I know its nothing to do with me

I know its mean but I’ve read her drunken texts and emails etc and its seriously sad

Femelade

Thank you everyone for the replies...i really appreciate it.

today i am doing a very boring job and when i have nothing else to do i do some major thinking, i was reflecting on everything that happened at the weekend and analysing everything he said...
i rang him while ago and we had a good chat and he did some major reassuring which is all i needed really.
He reminded me that she is his ex for a reason and that there is no way he would eve consider getting back into a relationship with her, things were very bad with them for a long time, they tried to make their relationship work time and time again but in the end they knew they werent getting anywhere. He said that i am way better for him thatn she is, we get on away better than he ever did with her, we are faithful to eachother which he never had with her. he wants to make a life with me cos i am his future and she is his past.

He said thet he knows he should have sorted it out instead of me having to do it, but he honestly didnt think it was as big a deal as i felt it was, but when he realised how upset it was making me he understands more now. i told him all i want is to be kept in the loop f she txts him, if he wants to reply to her, thats up to him, so long as i know about it.

Cathmandooo

femmy I'm delighted for you, glad you had that chat with him, you already seem much clearer and happier

Maple

Femmy wrote: »

He doesnt ring her ever, that i know.
the late night phone calls happened for about a few weeks about 9 months ago, he didnt answer any of them bar one, and i was with him. He did ring her last summer and asked her to stop ringing/txting him. And they did stop, i know that if he was out without me and if she was out they would have a chat, that i dont mind, so long as he tells me.
She txts him the odd ocassion, i.e last week she txted him and he txted her back, but he didnt tell me. that was the only thing that pissed me off, not the fact that he txted her back, but that he didnt tell me. i have talked to him about it, i havent asked him to stop having contact with her, but i did ask him to tell me when she does. He said he doesnt tell me cos he knows it upsets me, but he knows now that it upsets me more when i find out afterwards. i dont want to be made a fool of and feel like there is something going on behind my back.

Hey there, sorry i got the wrong end of the stick from your posts. Thought it was much more current that that. He's obviously trying to protect you.

Femmy wrote: »

Thank you everyone for the replies...i really appreciate it.

today i am doing a very boring job and when i have nothing else to do i do some major thinking, i was reflecting on everything that happened at the weekend and analysing everything he said...
i rang him while ago and we had a good chat and he did some major reassuring which is all i needed really.
He reminded me that she is his ex for a reason and that there is no way he would eve consider getting back into a relationship with her, things were very bad with them for a long time, they tried to make their relationship work time and time again but in the end they knew they werent getting anywhere. He said that i am way better for him thatn she is, we get on away better than he ever did with her, we are faithful to eachother which he never had with her. he wants to make a life with me cos i am his future and she is his past.

He said thet he knows he should have sorted it out instead of me having to do it, but he honestly didnt think it was as big a deal as i felt it was, but when he realised how upset it was making me he understands more now. i told him all i want is to be kept in the loop f she txts him, if he wants to reply to her, thats up to him, so long as i know about it.

Really glad you guys sorted it all out, lets hope she gets the message and just leaves you two alone. At least its out in the open for you two tho, you both know where you stand. Best of luck!

Femelade

Thanks guys, and thanks for the advice..it kept me sane..

tallaght01

I have huge problems with people giving anything but the most cursory relationship "advice" on internet forums. BUT, I have to say that a few key words popped into my head when I read your post. They were "Don't", "Be", "His" and "doormat".

Hope you guys work it out though.

Babette08

tallaght01 wrote: »

I have huge problems with people giving anything but the most cursory relationship "advice" on internet forums. BUT, I have to say that a few key words popped into my head when I read your post. They were "Don't", "Be", "His" and "doormat".

Hope you guys work it out though.

Yeah the problem is there's a fine line between doormat and being over demanding / high maintenance. Best thing to do is sit down and talk about it and listen to him before jumping to your own conclusions. Best of luck with it