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Feeling Lonely

  • 24-02-2008 11:19pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I know from the heading what everyone thinks and in some ways, its one of those posts and please bear with me as I just need to put whats in my thoughts on "paper" somewhere.
    I feel lonely. Thats the whole thing in a nutshell really.
    I have a great job, my own place, new car, i take girls out on dates frequently and get on well with them (though still looking for that special someone!), in my very early 30s. But I can't help but feel as if no one cares about me. Don't get me wrong, I am not a depressive person and I get out and about a lot, meet loads of people, involved in voluntary work and chat away to anyone and am very warm and caring but I sit here on a Sunday evening, not wanting to go to bed and feeling empty, not in a self pity type of way but I just can't put my finger on the whole thing. Its as if i have nearly everything I want in life but I feel like I have nothing, even if that sounds terribly ungratious ridiculous. I don't sit at home staring at the walls or anything like that and I know only I can make things better but I do all the getting out and about stuff but i can't find whats affecting me at the moment, its as if the whole massive excitement about life has been drained from me. Its so bad, I even bought Cecelia Aherns book and found it emotional to read! And yes, I am a guy!
    Dunno what to say really, Dunno. Thanks for listening anyways.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Are you passionate about anything?

    When I'm alone, as I have been all day today, I work on my websites. I love working on my websites. It's so creative and challenging.

    I've never looked to others for answers, or happiness. I don't compare myself to others. I just do what I want to do. I'm definitely a risk taker and I don't worry about consequences (because in reality we live in an extremely safe society.)

    What am I trying to say?

    I'm very happy. I like me. I like me because I've accomplished a lot with my life, and I've filled my life with things I like to do.

    I think if you can find something you love, something which really burns a fire in your stomach, for example, a political cause, or a business, or a research area, you'll find your life has a bit more meaning and during those lonely days you'll have something you love doing.

    At the end of the day, none of us really know why we're here, what we're supposed to be doing, or what life is all about, so you may as well fill your life with things you love.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 592 ✭✭✭BubbleWrap85


    Is this a continuous feeling or just a day or two here and there?I think we all have those crappy feeling days occasionally. I do anyhow. And anyone that knows me knows I'm certainly not the depressive type, but somedays, I just get emotional and I suppose I wallow in self pity I bit. But then I'm bright as a button again! I don't know, if you have things as good as you say, I don't see what could put such a dampner on things. Perhaps it's just inevitable Monday Morning Blues! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Is this a continuous feeling or just a day or two here and there?I think we all have those crappy feeling days occasionally. I do anyhow. And anyone that knows me knows I'm certainly not the depressive type, but somedays, I just get emotional and I suppose I wallow in self pity I bit. But then I'm bright as a button again! I don't know, if you have things as good as you say, I don't see what could put such a dampner on things. Perhaps it's just inevitable Monday Morning Blues! :)

    Thanks for the replies guys.
    Its more an end of day feeling to be honest but not everyday, very much like yourself really. I really do have the things I say and am so gratious to life for this, its really a feeling of nothing after it all that I just can't explain. Thought definitely not Monday Morning Blues as I love my work and am really good at it.
    DubDude, i am passionate about somethings and this keeps me really going and going but I find a massive lull when its bedtime, its as if the massive buzz from my passion suddenly ends and i don't want the day to end and will stay up later and drive myself with more work just to not have to see the day end. That sounds weird I know but I don't get tired, 5-6 hours sleep and I am bright as a button and definitely the only person each morning in work that is cheery and happy to be alive and well and full of beans.
    I don't know. I think in some ways its to do with women and feeling that I am seeing women but i would be a bit alternative/unconventional (that does not mean weird or into all sorts of crazy stuff, just not pub/club/drink all weekend) and can't seem to find a woman who likes me for who I am and I am extremely caring and warm to people.
    Thanks guys for replying, making me feel bit better. I know it sounds all soppy but would love a hug from someone and I would probably be all smiles again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    I gotta head offline, but I will think about your post and give a proper reply tomorrow.

    Just a thought: could it be a caffeine comedown or something like that?!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭Teddi


    I know exactly what your saying mate really...

    there was a bit of me in what you wrote, thats why Im replying. It just goes to show that no amount of money (in your case success) can bring you love or the one that you want,you know?

    You can have all the money in the world, car, house but still not feel whole, that you have this empty void in your life that riches cannot bring. You sound like a nice guy, really do so dont fret about meeting the woman of your dreams because she is out there.

    Would I be right in thinking you'd class yourself as a "Nice guy"? the non-bad boy variety? Do your relationships only go so far then women go cold on you?...if they do, and this is relivant to you.....reply to me and ill continue.

    Teddi :)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Teddi wrote: »
    I know exactly what your saying mate really...

    there was a bit of me in what you wrote, thats why Im replying. It just goes to show that no amount of money (in your case success) can bring you love or the one that you want,you know?

    You can have all the money in the world, car, house but still not feel whole, that you have this empty void in your life that riches cannot bring. You sound like a nice guy, really do so dont fret about meeting the woman of your dreams because she is out there.

    Would I be right in thinking you'd class yourself as a "Nice guy"? the non-bad boy variety? Do your relationships only go so far then women go cold on you?...if they do, and this is relivant to you.....reply to me and ill continue.

    Teddi :)

    Thanks Teddi,
    Indeed money and success seems easy to me and for that I am extremely thankful but as you say I feel a big void. But as you note in your last paragraph, I do class myself as a "nice guy" and definitely not a bad boy variety, even down to not pushing someone into sleeping with me etc and always opening doors, letting the woman go first etc exactly as we were brought up to act. My relationships indeed only go so far and they do go cold on me and its not for lack of chat and banter and laughter as i could keep someone entertained all evening without them wanting a way out (thats not supposed to sound like an ego trip!) but i find i don't tell people i do charity work etc as it makes me sound like a pure pansy or something. I look forward to your reply Teddi as sounds like you have an insight here. Feeling all happy this morning again but still this is lingering on my mind!
    Thanks for your replies everyone, very much appreciated.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭Teddi


    my friend, you are me!!!

    yes and unfortunantly for us, The "nice guys" finish last but I dont like seeing it as finishing last, but having the "best left for last"...

    For us unfortunantly, or atleast in a steriotypical sort of way, our success rate in relation to dating is pretty low, a par 15, to a "bad-boys" par 2!

    Why? there are many opinions about this but some that Ive equated are 1.) Women wanting a chase when we basically hand it to them on a plate! 2.) Some women find our courtiousness a bit weird/odd or makes them uncomfortable 3.) Being friendly,welcoming,too outgoing,enthusiastic can make women instantly paint you with the friend brush, u'll notice that the bad boy approach does not contain these personality traits, they simply either go in for the kill and chance their arm, or play hard to get and act un-interested.

    I have more ideals about this but I'd be here all day if I initiated them all :)
    Its hard to balence the way to properly act to have a girl interested in us as I've found that a large majority of women like the bad- boy image, although the older they get the more they are interested in the nice-guy-gentleman-doorholder-chair-puller'outer :D...the type that they could have a meaningful, long lasting relationship and not being hurt in the end with a guy that wasnt all that serious in them in the first place.

    One thing you should'nt do is change from being nice. Personally I've tried the bad-boy thing and its just not me, I felt uncomfortable and almost needed to apologise to the girl having felt really bad after the way I casually played with the situation.

    What I do know OP, is that your princess is out there(and I know thats what your looking for :) ) it just takes a bit of time to find her, Although we aren't known to have 20 girlfriends by the time were 20, The ones that we will get will be real keepers :)

    If you want to bounce any other ideas or concepts of me mate, please dont hesitate, I hope this helped :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭rohe


    Teddi wrote: »
    my friend, you are me!!!

    yes and unfortunantly for us, The "nice guys" finish last but I dont like seeing it as finishing last, but having the "best left for last"...

    For us unfortunantly, or atleast in a steriotypical sort of way, our success rate in relation to dating is pretty low, a par 15, to a "bad-boys" par 2!

    Why? there are many opinions about this but some that Ive equated are 1.) Women wanting a chase when we basically hand it to them on a plate! 2.) Some women find our courtiousness a bit weird/odd or makes them uncomfortable 3.) Being friendly,welcoming,too outgoing,enthusiastic can make women instantly paint you with the friend brush, u'll notice that the bad boy approach does not contain these personality traits, they simply either go in for the kill and chance their arm, or play hard to get and act un-interested.

    I have more ideals about this but I'd be here all day if I initiated them all :)
    Its hard to balence the way to properly act to have a girl interested in us as I've found that a large majority of women like the bad- boy image, although the older they get the more they are interested in the nice-guy-gentleman-doorholder-chair-puller'outer :D...the type that they could have a meaningful, long lasting relationship and not being hurt in the end with a guy that wasnt all that serious in them in the first place.

    One thing you should'nt do is change from being nice. Personally I've tried the bad-boy thing and its just not me, I felt uncomfortable and almost needed to apologise to the girl having felt really bad after the way I casually played with the situation.

    What I do know OP, is that your princess is out there(and I know thats what your looking for :) ) it just takes a bit of time to find her, Although we aren't known to have 20 girlfriends by the time were 20, The ones that we will get will be real keepers :)

    If you want to bounce any other ideas or concepts of me mate, please dont hesitate, I hope this helped :)

    hi guys

    just wanted to respond to your posts, as a woman speaking its nice to hear that their some genuinely nice guys out there, and am gobsmacked that someone hasn't snapped ye up, but just hang in there, believe me ye will find someone that truly deserves ye, and not all woman are the same out there, some women will appreciate guys like ye, best of luck, hope everything works out for ye, keep me posted:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Teddi wrote: »
    my friend, you are me!!!

    yes and unfortunantly for us, The "nice guys" finish last but I dont like seeing it as finishing last, but having the "best left for last"...

    For us unfortunantly, or atleast in a steriotypical sort of way, our success rate in relation to dating is pretty low, a par 15, to a "bad-boys" par 2!

    Why? there are many opinions about this but some that Ive equated are 1.) Women wanting a chase when we basically hand it to them on a plate! 2.) Some women find our courtiousness a bit weird/odd or makes them uncomfortable 3.) Being friendly,welcoming,too outgoing,enthusiastic can make women instantly paint you with the friend brush, u'll notice that the bad boy approach does not contain these personality traits, they simply either go in for the kill and chance their arm, or play hard to get and act un-interested.

    I have more ideals about this but I'd be here all day if I initiated them all :)
    Its hard to balence the way to properly act to have a girl interested in us as I've found that a large majority of women like the bad- boy image, although the older they get the more they are interested in the nice-guy-gentleman-doorholder-chair-puller'outer :D...the type that they could have a meaningful, long lasting relationship and not being hurt in the end with a guy that wasnt all that serious in them in the first place.

    One thing you should'nt do is change from being nice. Personally I've tried the bad-boy thing and its just not me, I felt uncomfortable and almost needed to apologise to the girl having felt really bad after the way I casually played with the situation.

    What I do know OP, is that your princess is out there(and I know thats what your looking for :) ) it just takes a bit of time to find her, Although we aren't known to have 20 girlfriends by the time were 20, The ones that we will get will be real keepers :)

    If you want to bounce any other ideas or concepts of me mate, please dont hesitate, I hope this helped :)

    Its so great to hear theres others out there just like me and I too was thinking of trying the bad boy thing to see if it gets me anywhere but I did try it slightly before and still feel so bad for doing it. And I still feel like apologising to her but don't because thats only to make me feel better and not her and whats the point in annoying her for selfish reasons.
    I concur that women probably see us as no challenge and we really do hand it all on a plate to them without being pushy. I just find as time goes on I can't tell much about myself from fear of what will be thought of me, one girl recently even thought my couple of hours charity work was just plain weird and i didn't even tell her how much I do in it.
    One thing I also ponder is that we never get the bad girls and as much as I like to think my "princess" is out there, it doesn't feel that way at the moment. I presume Teddi that you laugh it off as a big joke like myself and try not to sound like to affects us but in reality it does.
    And definitely not known to have 20 gfs by time we're 20, in fact I have been single most of my life and most girls get tired of nice guy when we are in our 20s and suppose theres times when we give up.
    Rohe: We are definitely genuine, believe me on that. Just seems most women don't want genuine. Its as if genuine, considerate and corteous cannot equal funny and exciting. Its nice however to hear a females opinion on the matter and thank you for your contribution as I am sure there may be women looking at this thinking we are complete nerds/loosers. We may not have been the highlight of the teenage discos but (and you can agree with me on this one Teddi?) we are not bad looking or anything or major members of the stamp collectors everynight of the week! (no offence to stamp collectors)
    Still feels lonely all the same.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I also want to say, don't ever give up being a nice guy.... I seem to attract all the A-holes out there and was seriously starting to think there were no nice guys left so it's refreshing to hear that there ARE decent fellas....

    I would probably be a female version of you OP. I have a good job, earning good money, an excellent social life and loads of really really great friend & a family that are fantastic. I really really am blessed with my life and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I have the life that I do but still, sometimes, when i lie in bed I feel an inexplicable void, nearly like a hollow hole in my stomach that no amount of socialising, jobs, etc can fill.

    I guess its just the natural yearn to meet someone.... just know that you are not alone OP. There's loads of us out here that feel the same way!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 829 ✭✭✭MattKid


    Agreed don't stop being a nice guy but do start escalating your relationships with women to where you want them to go. If you aren't escalating them towards something more intimate/sexual it's going to go stale or you'll end up just good friends. Don't be pushy, just make your intentions clear.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    NotAlone! wrote: »
    I also want to say, don't ever give up being a nice guy.... I seem to attract all the A-holes out there and was seriously starting to think there were no nice guys left so it's refreshing to hear that there ARE decent fellas....

    I would probably be a female version of you OP. I have a good job, earning good money, an excellent social life and loads of really really great friend & a family that are fantastic. I really really am blessed with my life and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I have the life that I do but still, sometimes, when i lie in bed I feel an inexplicable void, nearly like a hollow hole in my stomach that no amount of socialising, jobs, etc can fill.

    I guess its just the natural yearn to meet someone.... just know that you are not alone OP. There's loads of us out here that feel the same way!

    Its refreshing to hear women making comments and something I did not expect, its is a very inexplicable void and nearly embarrassing hence why i have gone unreg for the whole posting. Like you, i stay out of bed as lying in it thinking about it seems worse. Its just the empty feeling of not having someone to tell all the stories, something that little bit more than friends can give you, someone to feel excited about. Why are there so many of us out there??
    MattKid: I see what your saying and do make it obvious i.e. hands on legs, kissing etc that its not just a friend but at same time, don't want to push someone into the bedroom as thats just not polite, I prefer to think of it progressing that way if things are going well anyways then time is right and ready. Just seems like the right way to treat any woman.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭Teddi


    yea OP, I can agree with you on those aspects, Like you said were not these nerdy guys that dont have a clue what to say to a girl or how to act around them, its the mere fact due to our personality, we are devoid of the majority of the girls looking for a partner, those partners being a preferencial bad boy.

    Now Im not saying all girls/women are interested in this but a high percentage definantly are.

    My ex and I parted due to the fact that she was the bad boy type (these reasons never came to light, but I knew they were there).I wasnt aware of this until too late into the relationship and hence I knew it was doomed from that point onwards.

    OP, one good piece of advice I can give you, and albeit not the most favouritable given your current situation is :STOP LOOKING.

    A few people I know never believed in this until one day, out of the blue they met their second half. At a party, club, pub, with us buddy is a waiting game..we dont go hunting down women to bed as I think we have a level of sensitivity that the bad-boys lack hence we are more considerate to their feelings and all'n'all understand them better but the contact that we recieve is minimal for this. Instead, focus your thoughts on something else, with me its my college work that im burying myself into these days, albeit I am suffering from other problems that aid in this respect. I dont want to sound like a broken record in saying "why dont you take up a hobbie?" ...just do something time occupying....start getting fit? start lifting some weights? its a great stress reliever :)

    If you like, register on the site and can keep us updated on your situation, or just to take some stress off your shoulders :)

    teddi.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 829 ✭✭✭MattKid


    You don't have to push a girl into the bedroom, but you can certainly lead her there. She probably wants to but doesn't want to suggest it as she's afraid it might make her look like a sl*t.

    I used to hate the bad boy type, taking our women.
    Women don't want to be treated like crap, so that's not why they go for them. They are simply the ones who don't care what people think. They don't stand in the background thinking, I'll be intruding if I go up etc. They get themselves noticed and have the confidence to go for what they want

    You can still do all that and be a good guy.

    Do some people watching and you'll see the guys and girls who are top dog of their groups etc and notice who's checking who out and look at the body language and stuff

    It's a jungle out there and you need to be the lion!

    Leave the sensitive stuff for after sex cuddling:D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭rohe


    BadFeeling wrote: »
    Its so great to hear theres others out there just like me and I too was thinking of trying the bad boy thing to see if it gets me anywhere but I did try it slightly before and still feel so bad for doing it. And I still feel like apologising to her but don't because thats only to make me feel better and not her and whats the point in annoying her for selfish reasons.
    I concur that women probably see us as no challenge and we really do hand it all on a plate to them without being pushy. I just find as time goes on I can't tell much about myself from fear of what will be thought of me, one girl recently even thought my couple of hours charity work was just plain weird and i didn't even tell her how much I do in it.
    One thing I also ponder is that we never get the bad girls and as much as I like to think my "princess" is out there, it doesn't feel that way at the moment. I presume Teddi that you laugh it off as a big joke like myself and try not to sound like to affects us but in reality it does.
    And definitely not known to have 20 gfs by time we're 20, in fact I have been single most of my life and most girls get tired of nice guy when we are in our 20s and suppose theres times when we give up.
    Rohe: We are definitely genuine, believe me on that. Just seems most women don't want genuine. Its as if genuine, considerate and corteous cannot equal funny and exciting. Its nice however to hear a females opinion on the matter and thank you for your contribution as I am sure there may be women looking at this thinking we are complete nerds/loosers. We may not have been the highlight of the teenage discos but (and you can agree with me on this one Teddi?) we are not bad looking or anything or major members of the stamp collectors everynight of the week! (no offence to stamp collectors)
    Still feels lonely all the same.

    i dont believe that women looking at this post will think ye are nerds or losers, i think any of the women reading this will agree with me in that you sound like a genuinely nice person and i mean when i say any woman would be very glad to be with you, your time will come when someone appreciates your for the good person that you are


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BadFeeling wrote: »
    Its refreshing to hear women making comments and something I did not expect, its is a very inexplicable void and nearly embarrassing hence why i have gone unreg for the whole posting. Like you, i stay out of bed as lying in it thinking about it seems worse. Its just the empty feeling of not having someone to tell all the stories, something that little bit more than friends can give you, someone to feel excited about. Why are there so many of us out there??

    I know the feeling. Pottering around the house till 1 in the morning just to not go to bed. And it IS that intimacy that you can only have with another half that you yearn. It's what I yearn I know.... but you have to just believe that one day it will come. Thats what I believe. And i also count myself lucky that i'm not just with someone for the sake of it, that i'm not in a relationship that i hate or feel trapped in, and that when i do meet a person it will be for all the right reasons. So this makes that void a little easier to live with...

    Chin up OP!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭rohe


    Teddi wrote: »
    yea OP, I can agree with you on those aspects, Like you said were not these nerdy guys that dont have a clue what to say to a girl or how to act around them, its the mere fact due to our personality, we are devoid of the majority of the girls looking for a partner, those partners being a preferencial bad boy.

    Now Im not saying all girls/women are interested in this but a high percentage definantly are.

    My ex and I parted due to the fact that she was the bad boy type (these reasons never came to light, but I knew they were there).I wasnt aware of this until too late into the relationship and hence I knew it was doomed from that point onwards.

    OP, one good piece of advice I can give you, and albeit not the most favouritable given your current situation is :STOP LOOKING.

    A few people I know never believed in this until one day, out of the blue they met their second half. At a party, club, pub, with us buddy is a waiting game..we dont go hunting down women to bed as I think we have a level of sensitivity that the bad-boys lack hence we are more considerate to their feelings and all'n'all understand them better but the contact that we recieve is minimal for this. Instead, focus your thoughts on something else, with me its my college work that im burying myself into these days, albeit I am suffering from other problems that aid in this respect. I dont want to sound like a broken record in saying "why dont you take up a hobbie?" ...just do something time occupying....start getting fit? start lifting some weights? its a great stress reliever :)

    If you like, register on the site and can keep us updated on your situation, or just to take some stress off your shoulders :)

    teddi.


    very good advice teddi

    +1 if anyone wants to chat I'm here


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    rohe wrote: »
    +1 if anyone wants to chat I'm here


    Via PM, not in thread

    PI is not a chat room, first/last warning


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 169 ✭✭smiler26


    rohe wrote: »
    i dont believe that women looking at this post will think ye are nerds or losers, i think any of the women reading this will agree with me in that you sound like a genuinely nice person and i mean when i say any woman would be very glad to be with you, your time will come when someone appreciates your for the good person that you are

    Agreed, am 27 yrs old, super job, my own house, my own car, friends I'd lay my down my life for... but it doesn't make up for the fact that there's nothing nicer that to have a DECENT normal guy to share it all with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    MattKid wrote: »
    You don't have to push a girl into the bedroom, but you can certainly lead her there. She probably wants to but doesn't want to suggest it as she's afraid it might make her look like a sl*t.

    I used to hate the bad boy type, taking our women.
    Women don't want to be treated like crap, so that's not why they go for them. They are simply the ones who don't care what people think. They don't stand in the background thinking, I'll be intruding if I go up etc. They get themselves noticed and have the confidence to go for what they want

    You can still do all that and be a good guy.

    Do some people watching and you'll see the guys and girls who are top dog of their groups etc and notice who's checking who out and look at the body language and stuff

    It's a jungle out there and you need to be the lion!

    Leave the sensitive stuff for after sex cuddling:D

    MattKid, I must say I would be fairly confident and ask girls out and be very frank and open with them if they are single etc but I do it in a very polite manner and extremely warm voice and thats where the problem lies, its as if women seem to want a guy who doens't care what they say back, doesn't remember what they told you on the last date, doesn't enquire how they are and isn't caring. Its down to that kind of bad boy stuff.

    Teddi: I myself was in a long relationship where I wasunder the impression that I had to be wrong and put up with stuff that just wasn't me and its only now I can see that. Women don't seem to like a guy who is sensitive, maybe in touch with his feelings, tries to treat someone right, considerate and kind.

    Rohe: Thanks, think i might take ye up on the offer when I sign in later at home. Its great to be able to chat to people the same and there seems to be a few other genuine people out there in same boat!

    Teddi: Not really in the massive looking thing, tried some dates recently and its just the impression back from the girls.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BadFeeling wrote: »
    MattKid, I must say I would be fairly confident and ask girls out and be very frank and open with them if they are single etc but I do it in a very polite manner and extremely warm voice and thats where the problem lies, its as if women seem to want a guy who doens't care what they say back, doesn't remember what they told you on the last date, doesn't enquire how they are and isn't caring. Its down to that kind of bad boy stuff.

    I'll have a read over the entire thread and see if I have anything to contribute, but for now I'd like to respond to the above quote.

    There is obviously nothing wrong with being polite and friendly - these are great things. The problem is that they aren't "attractive" qualities. I don't mean that they make you less attractive, I mean they don't really factor into things .. as much as some people would like to believe. Being unusually nice can easily slot you into the "desparate guy" category if you're not careful.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 829 ✭✭✭MattKid


    BadFeeling wrote: »
    MattKid, I must say I would be fairly confident and ask girls out and be very frank and open with them if they are single etc but I do it in a very polite manner and extremely warm voice and thats where the problem lies, its as if women seem to want a guy who doens't care what they say back, doesn't remember what they told you on the last date, doesn't enquire how they are and isn't caring. Its down to that kind of bad boy stuff.

    Teddi: Not really in the massive looking thing, tried some dates recently and its just the impression back from the girls.

    They aren't looking for another girlfriend to tell there problems too.


    Oh and the massive looking thing is bloody hard to get to, so don't let that put you off going to the gym and lifting some weights!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've had this whole nice guy thing happen to me so many times its not funny anymore - u get to know a girl and she tells you she likes you and everything and that your so different from how a past fella or fellas treated her or something but then wham first badly bleached hair 'bad boy' to come within range and the knickers fly off and then you get them texting you weeks later and crying on your shoulder bout how they made such a bad mistake. its a load of old b*llix. From now on I'll consider listening to ye're crying monologues but only if I want to have a good laugh.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭Teddi


    hmmm...this is by far the most interesting and at the same time frustrating subject for me personally to talk about as there never really is a definitive correct answer to why these things happen to us..

    Its nice to know though that were just being true to ourselves aslong as being curtious isn't a thing thats just put on, but that you genuinely think that way and it comes naturally, its been a while since I saw a guy hold a door open for a girl :)

    You seem like a very patient guy OP when it comes to relationships, and not to sound offensive, but maybe treated like the "bitch" in the relationship? What I mean is that you often just agreed with her to keep her happy? Very rarely saying no to her and usually going along with what she wanted to do? (even though the situation wasnt forced upon you all the time, but just for the sake of keeping her happy?)

    Something else that I've noticed and something that im trying to work into my routine is just to try and have fun and ignore the want to have something special in your life.Then unfortunantly the feeling of feeling sorry for yourself sets in, involuntary many a time then all you want to watch is the notebook, and that never leads anywhere good :D

    To summarise:

    1.) Don't change who you are, you rock, and theres no denying that(there is a woman in the same position as you, you just havent accidentally spilt your drink on her and you havent sparked up that conversation because of it yet....lol )

    2.)Try to occupy your mind with other things coming close to bedtime, as this seems to be the main time that you dwell on these thoughts? reading is a good way of counteracting this....(theres great articles in penthouse I hear ;) )

    3.)If Im right, Its just work, maybe a few drinkies then home? copy and repeat? I recently joined a DJ course/group which is taking up more of my spare time that I used to have, met 2 lovely girls through it already. Im not saying that you dont get out enough, not at all...but maybe meet a different variety of women? creative? if you like that , that is.

    4.)Try not to rely on others to make you feel good about yourself.Im sure that you have this Ideal that once you find your princess that everything will be amazing, and Im sure they will, but dont be putting all your eggs in that basket. If you feel down, do something that makes you happy, be selfish...us "nice" guys have a hard time being that :)

    5.)Finally, mate...dont worry..It will happen, trust me...with your success your bound to meet someone great. Decent guys who can make it in life and dont treat people like dirt get an eventual crockfull of karma, just you wait and see. It is true, it does come back around

    If I was inaccurate in any of that mate, please tell me.

    Hope that helped

    Teddi :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks Teddi, you wrote a brilliant reply and thank you for that. You have totally hit the nail on the head with what you said and think you have it the exact same as myself. I think some readers are seeing us as sad bast***s but we really are full of life and as one poster said that she still is missing that something.
    I indeed am very patient and hate confrontation and tend to let situations slip to have the quieter life which is not a good thing in the long run, that I do know! In recent times, I have become much more forthright all the same.
    Oening a door does come naturally, its the way we were brought up, to be nice to others and treat people with respect. That girl was very curious about something which I consider natural.
    You are so right about the notebook and routine, its like as if its natural to just do the same thing, even though I have loads going on but sometimes I think its to avoid coming home and having time to myself.
    On your points:
    1. Thanks, I honestly don't want to change from being nice as it would defy all I have been taught is right. Thanks for saying I rock, needed to hear that.
    2.Must so take up reading before bedtime, think I need something to take my mind off things.
    3. I am actually involved in few things which keeps me out most nights and all weekend and the charity I volunteer for gets you meeting loads of people, particularly women. Its not the meeting of them thats the problem really, its the keeping of them!
    4. I so need to be more selfish, its so easy to get used.
    5. I know you are right, of course you are but just doesn't feel like it. Try being 30 and feeling like life is going nowhere! Still, you are right and I must say you Rock yourself Teddi, you definitely rock.

    To the other poster, you are right about the bad boy taking the girl and then back to you. I have learnt so say adios to girls like that, 2nd chances are there but choices are made also. What about the next one! I have started being less enthusiastic with girls and they come back asking for more so maybe being less enthusiastic and not bad is the way to go.
    There is no definitive answer but good to think about it all and ponder it. It seems to affect a lot of us and thats good to know we are not alone in all this!
    Thanks folks, thanks.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 180 ✭✭raemie21


    I'm not commenting as such about good guys/bad guys but when I was reading the thread a lot of it made sense of things in relation to the not going to bed thing.

    It's bit of a joke with my housemates but some nights I find myself just messing about the sitting room & kitchen and I really am just avoiding going to bed. I like my own space and I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship but I know I do feel the void of not having someone and it does I suppose bother me a little bit. Or I think it's more that I see the positives that can come from a relationship in other that I think yeah, would be nice to have that sometimes too. But literally, I'm up until 1, 2am during the weeknights & have no idea what I'm actually doing during that time.

    Again, without blowing my trumpet - I have a great job, family, friends, travel loads, llike my gigs, shopping & look after my appearance. My older workmates think I have the life and that's the impression I do give out - I mean I am happy in general but there is that idea of something missing. At the same time though, I am proud of my achievements and certainly I try challenge myself, especially when I feel my mood kinda slipping. For the past four months, it's preparation for the London Marathon & I'm getting there.

    So back to OP and Teddi, I don't think this is as much talking about good guy/bad guy but rather experiencing the perfectly natural feeling of loneliness. It's in our nature to be with someone & to share our experiences, intimacy and all that. And most of us will be lonely at sometime or another - I live in hope when I'm 40/50, I'll be happy with things and look back on this, wondering why I was worried/bothered about it all.
    Also, great to know I'm not the only one staying up late enough to see Sky news change to CNN so thanks for that! icon14.gif


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    raemie21 wrote: »
    I'm not commenting as such about good guys/bad guys but when I was reading the thread a lot of it made sense of things in relation to the not going to bed thing.

    Also, great to know I'm not the only one staying up late enough to see Sky news change to CNN so thanks for that! icon14.gif


    Thanks Raemie for your comments and there seems to be a lot of people out there who "suffer" from going to bed lonliness. Think its a lot worse when you are successful in lot of other things in your life and maybe its just down to wishing about having someone but as one poster mentioned, I am glad I am not in a realtionship for the sake of it, that would be a big no no for me. But still, its hard to share the nice moments and what you did for the day and hear about what she did for the day and care about someone and put some more meaning than just myself in life. Its the time of night when i should be heading off to bed getting a good nights sleep but something stopping me from heading up, don't knwo what but this thread is getting me an insight into the fact we are not alone!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭Teddi


    one thing that I do know, no matter what sort a of a feeling or situation that you are in, someone in the world has or is going through the very same thing so never think that you are totally alone.That is fact!.

    OP, that fact that you do charity speaks bucket loads about your personality and the type of person that you are, so if a woman ever raises an eyebrow over being told this, she isnt worth your time nor money :D seriously though, its a very admirable and something that you should be proud of. I wish I did some charity work (do you mind telling me what kind it is that you participate in?) My workload with college is pretty high at the moment so I don't know when I'd be able to fit it in but I'd still love to.

    OP, is there anything that you've wanted to do lately that you have been putting off? Have a think about that one....

    teddi :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,267 ✭✭✭Elessar


    I'm sorry but you all sound like a bunch of little princesses waiting for ms. right to see what a lovely caring and fulfulling guy you are! :rolleyes:

    No girl wants that. They say they do, but they dont. The bad boys get them, not the "nice" guys. As someone else said, the last thing they want is another girlfriend to share their feelings with.

    The only worthy piece of advice for people in this situation is to stop looking, stop caring about getting a girlfriend. Just forget about it completely. In my experience, girls make up their own mind withing seconds if they want to go out with you, and if they notice you are interested off the bat they will make it more difficult for you, or loose interest all together.

    Get the girl to want you, not vise versa. Consciously stop caring about it, and be yourself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Its not that we're "little princesses" that are doormats for everyone, far from it. Its more than we don't be nasty to women. Theres a big difference between keeping them chasing in a healthy way and being nasty to a woman and it seems some women like guys who are ignorant and nasty. Its also not the fact that we are desperately looking but its nice to want someone to share life with all the same.

    Teddi: Thanks again for your reply and I won't mention the charity but its great fun as you can meet loads of people (just not single women!) but i do about 10-15 hours a week with them as weekends would be very boring otherwise looking at 4 empty walls!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 829 ✭✭✭MattKid


    I still don't think women want a guy to be nasty to them, but look carefully at the other qualities these 'bad boys' have.

    Things like being unpredictable (which is different to unreliable) no one wants to be able to guess exactly what there other half is going to do, where's the fun in that.

    They might blow their girlfriend off to be with their mates one night, you gotta give a girl the chance to miss you.

    They aren't approval seeking and constantly checking that everythings ok.

    You say you are confident and can approach girls and start relationships with them, so what happens then that makes it go sour.Figure out what that is and how you can change it so it can fit in with who you are


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 334 ✭✭JackieO


    MattKid wrote: »
    Agreed don't stop being a nice guy but do start escalating your relationships with women to where you want them to go. If you aren't escalating them towards something more intimate/sexual it's going to go stale or you'll end up just good friends. Don't be pushy, just make your intentions clear.

    Hi guys

    Its nice to hear that there are more nice guys out there. I (luckily) have always been attracted to the nice guys of this world. however, what has happened in my past is that relationships with these people have turned into friendships and never really gotten off the ground towards something more intimate.

    I have just recently met another nice guy - and I was afraid the same thing was about to happen - friendship without the chemistry. He wasn't putting pressure on me at all, but at the same time, as the weeks were progressing, he was leaving me in no doubt that he wanted to move this relationship on.

    As a result now, I can honestly say we are no longer in the friends / platonic relationship that I have been trapped in, in the past.

    What I'm trying to say in a nutshell is - Don't be someone who you are not, it will not impress anyone. Also, when you met someone you are interested in sexually do not put pressure on them, but make sure you're intentions are clear. If you are not at least making some attempt to move things on, she will begin to wonder why.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    JackieO wrote: »
    Hi guys

    Its nice to hear that there are more nice guys out there. I (luckily) have always been attracted to the nice guys of this world. however, what has happened in my past is that relationships with these people have turned into friendships and never really gotten off the ground towards something more intimate.

    I have just recently met another nice guy - and I was afraid the same thing was about to happen - friendship without the chemistry. He wasn't putting pressure on me at all, but at the same time, as the weeks were progressing, he was leaving me in no doubt that he wanted to move this relationship on.

    As a result now, I can honestly say we are no longer in the friends / platonic relationship that I have been trapped in, in the past.

    What I'm trying to say in a nutshell is - Don't be someone who you are not, it will not impress anyone. Also, when you met someone you are interested in sexually do not put pressure on them, but make sure you're intentions are clear. If you are not at least making some attempt to move things on, she will begin to wonder why.

    Thanks for your reply and great to hear things are going great for you. Some readers have the impression that I am sitting waiting for a woman but the original post is back to the whole feeling lonely thing which some people have said they experience too but at same time, we are not thrawling for a relationship or waiting for the princess to ring at the door with big hopes in our heart! Don't get me wrong either, as much as I don't push women towards the bedroom, i will still go in for the snog when the time is right and hands in all the right places so intentions are there alright, its definitely not friends territory, just not going for the hand down the crotch on the first date idea all the same!!

    This is turning into an interesting thread to be honest and has made me feel somewhat better that there are indeed nice girls out there, that we must be doing something right but at same time, no need to be overly concerned!
    Thanks all!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 325 ✭✭Sprouts


    Only reading this thread now. Girls defo prefer the bad boys out there I don't know why. Try not to wreck your head over whats going on in a girls head either because they could be only acting out what the stars tell them to do, horoscopes and fortune tellers etc, dont take it personally mate. Try and enjoy your nights out, you will meet someone when you dont expect, dont be hard on yourself.:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 334 ✭✭JackieO


    I think while a lot of girls may tend to prefer the bad guys - usually those guys breaking their hearts in the end and they then start to look for the nice guys to settle down with.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 200 ✭✭Sheog


    I know exactly what you guys are talking about. It's crazy! I'm a steady rational girl in her mid 20ies. I was in a 5 year relationship with a 'bad boy' that ended simply because we wanted very different things out of life. He was a bad boy to the rest of the world, but he never cheated, he spoilt me rotten and we adored each other. We've been broken up for about two years now and being single I have found that there are as many nice guys out there as bad boys, but i can't seem to find one of you with the right balance. :confused:

    I don't think it's that girls want to be treated badly at all. The 'bad boy' image is just that... an image. Personally I always find a guy who is outgoing, relaxed and ultra confident with a bit of cheeky charm irresistible... not matter what he looks like. I think it's because girls want to feel safe/ protected and a guy with a lot of confidence gives off the sense that he is fearless and strong. Ok I know I'm generalising big time here, but I'm just trying to figure it out for myself. Why do I loose interest in the 'nice guy' but go weak at the Knees for the 'bad boy.' It's just not logical!

    I think it works like this. The 'bad boy' confidence attracts a girls attention and with it the expectation that there is a 'nice guy' hidden under the surface waiting for the perfect girl to come along... and the promise of the 'nice guy' buried under the 'bad boy' exterior is what keeps a girls interest. So the trick is to get the balance right, without changing who you are of coarse.

    Here are a few tips for you nice boys that I think might help you get the girl you want :p

    1. If you like a girl don't hesitate in approaching her, and telling her! Don't wait for her to come to you. Girls like to be pursued! And it will show that you don't fear rejection even if you do, which makes you look more like a 'bad boy.' (Remember you are not try to change to be a bad boy, you are just trying to attract interest.) Also this removes the whole 'becomming the friend problem.
    2. Act like you don't care what anyone thinks about you or what you do. Personally I am attracted to the kind of guy who would take me in his arms and start dancing with me on street with no music. I know that sounds girly and romantic, but it's all down to the confidence thing. Don't be ashamed at all to talk about charity work. You don't care what any one thinks!
    3. On the whole not pushing a girl into the bedroom thing? Rubbish! That's where you might be going wrong when trying to keep a girls interest. I'm not saying push for it on the first night or anything... but be warned that the longer you wait and the more patient you are the less confident you appear to be. Personally I was with one 'nice' guy who didn't try it on for so long I began to wonder whether he was attracted to me at all. Girls are sexual beings, some even more so then men and want to feel desired. They want a guy who finds them irresistible, who just can't keep his hands off them, despite how nice he is, or who much he tries to resist.
    4. Be spontaneous and inventive, maybe even a little bit daring, to attract or keep a girl. The dating scene is so boring out there. Dinner/ Drinks/a movie... same date different guy is what the girls are thinking. (well some of them!) If a guy asked me to I dunno... go surfing with him, or to a charity thing, I'd be totally intrigued!
    5. Be mysterious. Don't lay all you cards on the table straight away. Tell her as little as possible about your past love life until you get to know her better. For all she knows you could be a Casanova or a heart broken guy out of a long relationship! Leave her guessing.
    6. Don't text too much or reply too soon but do text now and again. Same goes for calling. If you do text/ call too much/ ask to meet her too often it will come across as a little desperate or clingy. Girls do respond a bit more to less contact. (Silly I know!)
    7. Don't be afraid to complement her, especially in the bed room, once it's genuine of coarse. Girls are bombarded by media telling them they are not thin enough, their breasts are not big enough, they are not pretty enough... so they are at their most vulnerable when standing in front of you naked for the first time. Girls love guys who make them feel attractive. Again, being able to say 'God you are beautiful/hot/sexy etc' and really meaning it does take that certain type of confidence that 'bad boys' seem to have naturally.

    So there you have it. Now if we girls could just figure out how to get the bad boy nice guy... ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all your responses guys and girls! Dodger: Thanks for such a great reply and ye have all made me look at the way I approach things and I am going to go through the points that Dodger made which will hopefully sort out in my own mind what I need to do:
    1) I actually do this all the time, I am great with the "well whats such a good looking girl like yourself doing here" type of line with a big cheeky grin on my face, no problem with having balls to do things.
    2) I am as out there as you would like, no problem with doing odd stuff anywhere, no fear at all. In fact, some things I do could scare away some women.
    3)Absolute crap at this, hate pushing them to the bedroom and suppose my inexperience in that department makes me feel a bit scared about it too. Don't get me wrong, been there and done that few times but wouldn't be the most experienced. (I know there was a post about this and something that needs practice)
    4)I tried this and one girl found a different idea just weird. And it wasn't anything that OTT. Hate the obvious dinner/cinema stuff all the time anyways.
    5) Have been more mysterious lately, an ex always said she could never figure out what goes on in my head! Problem being is that I was diagnosed with being a "gifted" child in school (thats not an ego trip, its a blasted curse) as I always have many different thought processes going on at same time and must keep different thoughts going or else my mind gets bored even if one track is totally fulfilling me. Its getting better as time goes on and is funny sometimes.
    6) Definitely found this lately and something the whole thread comes out with, be more casual and less available. Definitely working I think.
    7.Something I am good at is complimenting girls.

    So I think I know where I must work on a bit more and become less self conscious and more fearless. I also see we have many different ideas of the bad boy and I think we are all bad boys from the general being tough but nice underneath as oppsoed to the bad boy cheater idea that we initially had on our mind.
    Thanks all, making me feel Like I have it more inline!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,602 ✭✭✭celestial


    BadFeeling wrote: »
    Its not that we're "little princesses" that are doormats for everyone, far from it. Its more than we don't be nasty to women. Theres a big difference between keeping them chasing in a healthy way and being nasty to a woman and it seems some women like guys who are ignorant and nasty. Its also not the fact that we are desperately looking but its nice to want someone to share life with all the same.

    Teddi: Thanks again for your reply and I won't mention the charity but its great fun as you can meet loads of people (just not single women!) but i do about 10-15 hours a week with them as weekends would be very boring otherwise looking at 4 empty walls!

    Hey BadFeeling,

    First of all a disclaimer - the following is not a personal attack on you - just some advice that you can take as you please from a fellow bloke, in his late-twenties, who wants to help out. Maybe it'll be food for thought - I hope so - feel free to disregard every word if you wish but here's my opinion:

    I've read all your posts and I have to say - you've gotta be kidding me. You are completely wussified and brainwashed and emasculated and feminised - why don't you just be a man for the love of fukk? Do you really think that most women prefer ignorant and nasty men? Really? What do you think you are implying about women by saying that?! Also, what does 'chasing them in a healthy way' mean?

    This whole nice guys vs bad boys thing just gets to me, and I feel it's my duty to just stand up for ya, or get you to stand up for yourself, feel good about yourself. Don't be a victim, passive and self-pitying. The reason women supposedly seem to prefer so called bad-boys is because they naturally exhibit the traits that women are hard-wired to desire and prefer - confident, sure of himself, decisive, respectful, assertive, naturally leads, charming and cheeky and maybe a little cocky - in a good way. Naturally busts on and teases women and makes them go 'oh did he really say that'. Lets women know that he's his own man and is not afraid to speak his mind. This is what you might see as being a bad boy - but it is not, necessarily - it is just being a confident man who doesn't pander to women. It isn't being a nice guy versus being a bad boy. You don't have to be a bad boy to get women - you have to be a MAN to get women. You are confusing being a bad boy with being a real man who is attractive to women and seem to be resigned to the fact that a 'nice guy' can't get them. Women aren't attracted to men who treat them like crap per se - they are attracted to guys who make them feel attraction - displaying the traits I've described above. Women don't want a nice guy friend who acts 'nice' to get them to like them - they want a man who can get them all hot under the collar, but who is still a gentleman who isn't afraid to just be a man.

    You can be a nice guy without being a wussy - you can hold open all the doors you want, but don't be a pansy who replies thanks in every post you write, says he needs a hug and is happy when someone verifies that he does, indeed, rock! Why do you need people to tell you that? You are obviously a good guy - just stop with the thinly veiled self-pity - cos that's what it is - you just don't realise it.

    Listen go on to www.doubleyourdating.com and check out some of that stuff. have a read of some of his articles on the net, and similar ones.

    And again, don't take this personally, I'm just a man trying to help a brother out!! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 325 ✭✭Sprouts


    Just look at the length of the female posts here on what a man should be. No wonder yis have some lads heads all messed up, with Cosmo etc. telling yis "a man should be strong and brave to protect you, but yet sensitive and kind that he would rescue a beautiful little butterfly from a nasty spiders web, and oh yeah, also be clowns to make yis laugh when desperate housewives is on". On the other hand a mans requirement in a woman is, "yis aren't too bad looking and aren't a total pain in the a**e to be with". Reckon lads, best thing is just stop thinking so much and just try have a laugh as much as you can. The rest of the things into will just click into place.


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