Reporting sexual abuse - feeling scared and want support

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am regular user but have gone unreg for this, for anyone affected by sexual abuse, this thread may cause triggers although there is no gory contents but just a warning.

Basically I was abused along with another sister, the person has children of their own now and for a long time I weighed up whether to get in touch with social services, I hesititated but spoke to him directly to get help, he pretended he had and since then I found out he had not. I have written a letter to the social services in his area, I know I am doing the right thing for those children, I have no evidence he has abused them but I do not know and silence is evil. However, I feel sick, extremely stressed out I cannot sleep, every muscle in my body aches and I am hurting inside, I feel so afraid. I worry that he and his wife will ring and harrass me now I know not to answer their calls and I don't take their calls now, I have effectively removed him from my existence (incidentally she knows that he abused me but thinks I am trying to break the family up). My mother just wants me to be quiet and play the game (a portrayal of a together happy family) the reality was very different growing up. If my mother finds out I have told social services I believe she will cut me out of her life and that is the end of that, some may say fair enough but right now this is very painful for me because I love her, yet these children need protection not the adults. I would just like some online hugs, I have no one really in my life, relationships come and go in my life (friends/lovers/husbands) I feel like I'll never get through this hole. I do have a therapist that I go to and that helps but its only once a week. Thank you for reading.

Marksie

You have done the right thing.
You have given him the opportunity to go on his own volition to seek help.

He has not done so and you have taken the correct and courageous course of action.

You can have all the support and hugs you need from this quarter.


If you are who i think you are... you know how to contact me ok?

Dizzyblonde

Rest assured that what you are doing is the very best thing in the circumstances. You have to try to prevent him abusing others, and I hope it doesn't mean you suffer as a result. Your mother should be listening to you and supporting you, but unfortunately parents don't always do the right thing.
You can have as many hugs from me as you want

((((hugs))))

togster

OP i think you are very brave and i wish you the best of luck. You are a noble person and in times when you feel down remind yourself of this.

fuzzywiggle

Well done. You have definitely done the right thing. You were very brave to do it and should feel proud of yourself. Once it's all over with you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and no clouds will hang over your head. This is the hardest part so chin up. You will get through it fine. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Dear OP,

You have to realise that you are doing the right thing for yourself and those children who may very well be experiencing the horror of what you have been through.

I have not been the victim of abuse myself, however this is a subject that has affected me and my family.

This person will not stop until they get help. It is a disease. This person probably appears "normal" to all around him and you do not know how many others have been affected by him. It is my experiences that the spouses of sexual abusers are often very well aware of their partners abuse and they for whatever reason neglect and cover it up leaving their own children to suffer.

Regarding your family, if you have not got their support at this difficult time, I would think that it is of very little benefit to you to keep them in your life. You and your sister have each other, you have a therapist and there are very many organisations out there that can offer you advice about reporting this and getting counselling.

It is important that you do not ignore this. You are clearly suffering and perhaps seeing to it that this person is dealt with and his children and others whom he comes in contact with are out of danger may grant you some comfort?

Do not listen to what those around you may think. I know what it is like in ireland. Nobody wants to rock the boat and rather sweep the issue of sexual abuse under the carpet. You have a duty to speak out. you have nothing to be ashamed of

Go forward, get some help, stand up for yourself, your sister and other children. You owe it to yourself.

I wish you the best of luck OP, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and best wishes

Victor

If you want, talk to one of the counselling services like the Rape Crisis Centre and ask them for support. Whether its to have someone there as you make the complaint or just to have someone at the end of the phone or something more complicated it can make all the difference to have someone there to support you.

DawnMc

OP - sounds like a very brave and difficult step. I work in child protection and there is a form you can fill out anonymously (so long as you don't work in child protection as if you did, you need to write your name). The form can be found here. Once this form is sent in, your local social worker team are obliged to investigate

http://www.dohc.ie/publications/pdf/children_first.pdf?direct=1

randylonghorn

mozzywoman wrote: »

I know I am doing the right thing for those children.

Yes, you are. If he was making an effort to get sorted himself, it might be a bit different, but under the circumstances you describe, you had absolutely no choice, and you made the right decision.

/hugs

estar

if everyone was as aware and unselfish as you
the world would be a safer place.

the wife and your mother should be ashamed that they cannot
face the truth, but then again thats what they must face
every day. the knowledge that they dont act on what they know
is a burden they must carry, that you wont.

however we can only do so much. you have done what you
can now, and can follow up on it with social services if asked.

whats important now is that you take care of yourself
and get some healing for what you have experienced.

the therapy is one way - but there are others.

i personally think that volunteer work - helping others
not particularly those affected by abuse as that might
trigger too much pain, but people
in need would be very beneficial for you, help you meet
others, and help you feel needed and appreciated
since your family is still struggling with the past more
than you are and arent giving you the support you need.

the rape crisis centre could put you in touch with
other orgs that can help you also.

you are one of lifes survivors and have survived to
help others as you have tried to do. well done.


perhaps you would consider that.

karen3212

Hugs from me too OP. Goodluck to you, I imagine it must be very difficult for you especially when your mother doesn't seem to have the courage or knowhow to support you right now. Lots of hugs.

tbh

listen OP, you've not done anything wrong here. All you've done is gone to Social Services and said "look, this is what happened to me. This is the situation now". You have not told them to do anything but make their own mind up. If they don't think there is a problem, nothing will happen. If they do decide there is something to check, it's better it's checked.

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hugs

BanzaiBk

tbh wrote: »

listen OP, you've not done anything wrong here. All you've done is gone to Social Services and said "look, this is what happened to me. This is the situation now". You have not told them to do anything but make their own mind up. If they don't think there is a problem, nothing will happen. If they do decide there is something to check, it's better it's checked.

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hugs

Agreed. You are being exceptionally brave and selfless. Have courage in your convictions for you are doing the right thing.

nmk

Hi op, I've no advice for you as you seem to have taken the difficult and correct path of your own accord. I respect your strength and integrity and hope that you and your sister can get over the horrors inflicted on you by this person.

rohe

mozzywoman wrote: »

Hi all

I am regular user but have gone unreg for this, for anyone affected by sexual abuse, this thread may cause triggers although there is no gory contents but just a warning.

Basically I was abused along with another sister, the person has children of their own now and for a long time I weighed up whether to get in touch with social services, I hesititated but spoke to him directly to get help, he pretended he had and since then I found out he had not. I have written a letter to the social services in his area, I know I am doing the right thing for those children, I have no evidence he has abused them but I do not know and silence is evil. However, I feel sick, extremely stressed out I cannot sleep, every muscle in my body aches and I am hurting inside, I feel so afraid. I worry that he and his wife will ring and harrass me now I know not to answer their calls and I don't take their calls now, I have effectively removed him from my existence (incidentally she knows that he abused me but thinks I am trying to break the family up). My mother just wants me to be quiet and play the game (a portrayal of a together happy family) the reality was very different growing up. If my mother finds out I have told social services I believe she will cut me out of her life and that is the end of that, some may say fair enough but right now this is very painful for me because I love her, yet these children need protection not the adults. I would just like some online hugs, I have no one really in my life, relationships come and go in my life (friends/lovers/husbands) I feel like I'll never get through this hole. I do have a therapist that I go to and that helps but its only once a week. Thank you for reading.

you have so done the right thing,i can relate to what your saying, i was abused when i was younger by a person in my family, and when i revealed what happend all my family took this persons, side bar one person,my family hated me for what i said(the truth)and still have issues with me over coming out with it, i have to see this person regularly and my family expect me to be civil and nice to him, which i refuse to do, i will walk out of room if he;s there,but if save even just one person from going through that pain, then it is sooooo worth it, i think you are extremely brave person, and also i think you are brave for going to a therapist (something i never had the courage to do) , but i wish you the best of luck and happiness in your future, keep me posted, pm if you want to chat

Pat McGhee

nmk wrote: »

Hi op, I've no advice for you as you seem to have taken the difficult and correct path of your own accord. I respect your strength and integrity and hope that you and your sister can get over the horrors inflicted on you by this person.

+ 1

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Beruthiel

mozzywoman wrote: »

worry that he and his wife will ring and harrass me now I know not to answer their calls and I don't take their calls now, I have effectively removed him from my existence (incidentally she knows that he abused me but thinks I am trying to break the family up). My mother just wants me to be quiet and play the game (a portrayal of a together happy family) the reality was very different growing up. If my mother finds out I have told social services I believe she will cut me out of her life and that is the end of that, some may say fair enough but right now this is very painful for me because I love her, yet these children need protection not the adults. I would just like some online hugs, I have no one really in my life, relationships come and go in my life (friends/lovers/husbands) I feel like I'll never get through this hole. I do have a therapist that I go to and that helps but its only once a week. Thank you for reading.

You poor thing. I also wish to add how brave you are being under the circumstances. I think it typical of the older generation to prefer sweeping this under the carpet instead of being there for you 100% with regards to this.
Keep the chin up and know that no matter what, you are doing the right thing. At least you can sleep at night knowing you are saving those kids.
*hugs*

feelthesame

hey mozzywoman, i just wanted to send some hugs and support your way. your doing the right thing. its a really hard place your in right now i know. i was abused by someone and made a report too to social services when i discovered they had had a kid. i feel better having done so.

you can do this anonymously if you don't want your mother to find out. her attitude is appaling though, it must hurt you to be unsure of her support etc. if you reported it anonymously then she wouldn't know who had reported him.

its not fair how stressed and upset and afraid you are...i can hear how anxious you are from your post...thank god you have the support of your counsellor anyway. i tried counselling but i still feel sick inside from what happened. i don't let anyone close as i am too scared but i feel so lonely at the same time.

please look after yourself in all of this too ok? PM me if you want to talk anytime or have a bit of support. i know we are all strangers on the net but you have support here ok.

nacho libre

i'm sorry reading that i just wanted to shake your mother. she should be commending you for being so courageous not making you feel like a pariah for what you did. you gave that guy every opportunity to try to atone for what he did by seeking help but he didn't. well, i hope you can take some comfort from knowing that most right thinking people would think you are a very brave person and generous of spirit for the way you've gone about dealing with this.

LegacyUser

Just want to say it is mozzywoman here, I couldn't get in under my first name. It is just to say a huge thank you to everyone who responded. I posted the letter yesterday and the relief is incredible, I can sleep at night. There may be a fall out but I have printed everyone's replies to keep me focused and knowing I did the right thing, so thank you everyone.