Need Advice

LegacyUser

Myself and my wife have been married 2 years now. Had a baby 6 months ago but to stay things are a struggle is an understatement. We just cannot get ahead.

We moved abroad after we got married as my wife was homesick, worst decision we could have ever made. I thought moving here to the states would be great, new start and life. But it has been one disaster after another. Now with the baby here we cannot even afford our mortgage payments, we keep robbing peter to pay Paul. I had family over here for the last week and things were good but as soon as they left reality struck. It is really causing a problem in our marriage. Maybe i am been selfish but we clearly have to do something to get out of this mess. Noone knows how bad our situation is. I try telling my parents but they dont understand. We have a house back in ireland that has been up for sale for the last 6 months Because of the property crash there has been no bites. Noone tells us anything, like for example if the house is been shown etc. It is so frustrating.

I am on the verge of a breakdown and i am not even 30 yet. I have alot of resentment for my wifes parents and i hate myself for that.Its a long story. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that we are heading home on holidays to ireland in May. Our first holiday in 18 months. I know if we stay here things wont change. Our marriage is falling apart but my wife doesnt even realise how bad things are. She wont even look at childcare as her mom said once we had the child she would mind her, well she went back on that and only minds her a few hours on a monday. We cannot move closer to the city where my wife would make alot more as her parents would throw a hissy fit. If i stand up and say something they dislike they ignore my opinion. Our sex life is non existant, has been for over a year now. My wife just isnt interested and has been like that for a while. Even when we dated she wasnt really interested in sex, i thought things would get better in that department but they havent. I dont know what to do.

nevaeh-2die-4

how come i cant pm u?

nevaeh-2die-4

thanks dudara

dudara

You can't PM the OP, because they are posting unregistered.

Xiney

Communicate these issues to your wife. You have said she isn't listening to you, perhaps she cuts you off and goes off on a tangeant. I've always thought writing a letter is a little Passive Agressive, but I think writing down your thoughts in point form before "the talk" is a good way of making sure things get addressed. I would also suggest that you both go to mediated marital counselling if possible, as the mediator will (in theory) make sure issues are dealt with and nobody is steamrolled.

Work out a budget with your wife. This should be one of the issues you raise with her. You have money problems that have to be addressed before they get any worse. You may need to cut back on some things, but to find out where you can cut back, you need to see how much is outgoing every month. Your wife may be choosing to ignore the financial situation because it is overwhelming. I am sure once she sees the reality, she will change her mind. She might even decide to go back to work, at which point she may be able to convince her mother to take the baby more often.

Some advice for the budget: don't go overboard, saying you will never eat out, never do this, never do that. Things like cancelling cable television for a while can be good though, and given your marital problems this might give you less of an excuse to avoid each other.

Very_Worried

Very_Worried wrote: »

Myself and my wife have been married 2 years now. Had a baby 6 months ago but to stay things are a struggle is an understatement. We just cannot get ahead.

We moved abroad after we got married as my wife was homesick, worst decision we could have ever made. I thought moving here to the states would be great, new start and life. But it has been one disaster after another. Now with the baby here we cannot even afford our mortgage payments, we keep robbing peter to pay Paul. I had family over here for the last week and things were good but as soon as they left reality struck. It is really causing a problem in our marriage. Maybe i am been selfish but we clearly have to do something to get out of this mess. Noone knows how bad our situation is. I try telling my parents but they dont understand. We have a house back in ireland that has been up for sale for the last 6 months Because of the property crash there has been no bites. Noone tells us anything, like for example if the house is been shown etc. It is so frustrating.

Thats very simply fixed.
Call to your bank and hand them the keys of your U.S house and tell them,they can have it back.
Go rent somewhere in the interim.
Drop the price on your house in Ireland by 10% or more and it should sell.
Take whats left after the mortgage on that is paid and count your blessings.
Theres no point in even trying to live beyond your means-look what trouble it's causing for you in your personal life.
Grasp the nettle.
You grasped one in moving to the States so the time is now right to grasp a 2nd one.
Buy a house again when you can afford one-otherwise rent a nice one.

I am on the verge of a breakdown and i am not even 30 yet. I have alot of resentment for my wifes parents and i hate myself for that.Its a long story. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that we are heading home on holidays to ireland in May. Our first holiday in 18 months. I know if we stay here things wont change. Our marriage is falling apart but my wife doesnt even realise how bad things are. She wont even look at childcare as her mom said once we had the child she would mind her, well she went back on that and only minds her a few hours on a monday. We cannot move closer to the city where my wife would make alot more as her parents would throw a hissy fit. If i stand up and say something they dislike they ignore my opinion.

Why don't you just ignore them then? You are not a remote control toy.
Lets be blunt about this-your marriage by your account of it is not going to survive remaining where you are.Tell your wife that she and your child are no.1 priority for you and plead with her to accept that and help you out by at least trying a move closer to the city.
It strikes me that your wifes parents are stone crazy to be disagree'ing with such a move.
You are going to be in the same country and not thousands of miles away.
For them to not accept that you've at least conceded that is just plain selfish of them in my humble opinion and another (of many probably) reason not to listen to them.

Our sex life is non existant, has been for over a year now. My wife just isnt interested and has been like that for a while. Even when we dated she wasnt really interested in sex, i thought things would get better in that department but they havent. I dont know what to do.

Least of your worries,I think and it's one that you can put at the bottom of the priority list as it may get better once you have taken action on everything else.
Now off your backside SIR,Grow back a pair and take the action that you know is going to sort this out for you

Mazeire

nevaeh-2die-4 wrote: »

how come i cant pm u?

He's not a registered user.

OP that sounds like a nasty situation. It seems like you feel very alone and kind of isolated out there. Are your family aware of the situation? If they are, what has been their opinion?

I think you need to tackle your financial and practical problems before you deal withthe emotional ones. Prehaps sit your wife down spread out all the bank statements final demands, whatever you have and go "look this is the situation in black and white. We are in real trouble here we need to do something avout it as a family unit". Its very easy to stick your head in the sand when things get hard and it sounds like her family are enabling her to do this to a degree. I would say her handling of this will be very telling about where you go from here.

Loopy

You are in a very difficult situation which seems to have affected your confidence big time.

Your wife seems to be burying her head in the sand, she must aware of your financial difficulties. Would you not consider coming home? If things aren't working out why stay.. This seems to be spiralling out of control for you. Her folks are not willing to help as promised. Sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel...You need to take control of this urgently and as suggested here, sell the house in US and rent and get yourselves together.

Or:

I say sell your house, come home..

Very_Worried

I have created a profile as it takes too long when you go unregistered. I think alot of people have been spot on with their advice. This is a dire situation that we have dug ourselves into.

We have put our condo here in the states up for sale, the plan is once we sell it move back to ireland because i have had enough and we need to take action now. My wife and myself have already talked about moving back, the only thing that is stopping her is her parents. She has already admitted it. We have no support here apart from her parents. The lifesyle over here is very rushed and everything has to scheduled.

We have cut back on alot of things lately to try and save a bit more and pay the bills. My wife will pick up more hours from next week onwards, currently she works 10 hours a week per diem which is clearly not enough. I mind the baby on saturdays and her mom minds the baby on Mondays. She needs to work more if we are going to get out of this situation. I am doing the best i can in my own job. My confidence has been shot because of all of this, i doubt everything i do now as i feel so alone and isolated here. It was great when my mom was here last week. She helped out alot with the baby.

I think the hardest part will be trying to convince my wife how bad things are. She knows already but still wont budge when her mom is concerned. We are ever so grateful to her parents for everything they have done but now is the time we need help. My wife takes her moms word as gospal. Even when i first mentioned moving back my wife was hesitant and then her mom mentioned that maybe moving back would be a good idea. Bingo my wife seems to be onboard now. She has too much control over my wife.

I am reluctant to ask my parents for a loan to help us out, they have helped us enough over the past year.