Cheating husband

sallyy44

my husband left me a year ago.i actually told him to leave after overhearing him on the phone to 'his woman' as he called her.he has lied and cheated on me for about 8 yrs.but the thing is he has never admitted it even though i have plenty of proof .he would rather leave myself and his children instead of acknowledging what he has done.it wasnt just 1 woman.it was a number of them .he has caused so much pain.has anyone else ever experienced something like this before?

jezza

In my experience men are all lying cheating wasters.
Nothing as serious as yours but my ex cheated with my best friend.
You're better off without the kinda craapin your life mdear.

dr.bollocko

jezza wrote: »

In my experience men are all lying cheating wasters.
Nothing as serious as yours but my ex cheated with my best friend.
You're better off without the kinda craapin your life mdear.

Post reported for sexist statement. I had an ex who cheated on me with my best friend. She was female. So is everyone a lying cheating waster or has this one incident resulted in an unrealistic view resulting in a generalisation?

OP You were right to get this guy to leave. Clearly he was not committed to you or to your family. It's his loss, and your gain to have him out of your life.

jezza

in.my.experience. men are lying cheating wasters.

Ie. the men i went out with.
whatever. go have a **** for yourself

Xavi6

jezza wrote: »

in.my.experience. men are lying cheating wasters.

Ie. the men i went out with.
whatever. go have a **** for yourself

Reported. No need for the childish retaliation

davyjose

OP, try not to be as bitter and twisted as some of the other posters on this thread - anyone who can define half a planet with one fell statement is unlikely to find happiness.

billy few mates

As my dear old mum used to say, "Never trust a man with testicles...."

Gordon

jezza wrote: »

in.my.experience. men are lying cheating wasters.

Ie. the men i went out with.
whatever. go have a **** for yourself

Less of that jezza, thanks.

togster

OP i know a man who has been a serial cheater on his wife. They have been married for almost 15 years. She is a mental wreck because she has known about it for almost 15 years. Its sad to see what one person can do to someone they are supposed to love.

jezza

davyjose wrote: »

OP, try not to be as bitter and twisted as some of the other posters on this thread - anyone who can define half a planet with one fell statement is unlikely to find happiness.

I haven't dated half the planet. And FYI I'm very happy with current boyfriend.
Obviously touched a nerve there with yis.

OP: Does he still see the children?

Beruthiel

jezza wrote: »

Obviously touched a nerve there with yis.

Did you not see Gordons comment above?

It touched a nerve because your generalisation reeks of bitterness.
Do not take this thread off topic again.
B

Mr. Incognito

Cheating in a marraige is a horrible horrible thing. The type of man that acknowledges it was wrong in the way you want is the type that wouldn't have done it in the first place. You're still looking for answers in the wrong places. Move on.

Wibbs

sallyy44 wrote: »

my husband left me a year ago.

He left you and betrayed you doing so, so let him leave. You need to let him and the badness go with him. I know that sounds simple but it actually is. Because of the children you have to have in your life, but he doesn't need to be your life.

he has caused so much pain.

and he continues to do so a year on. Take your life back. Try to get out more change the script where you can. I know it's going to be hard with the children, but it is doable. I know enough who have clawed themselves up from rock bottom, both men and women.

has anyone else ever experienced something like this before?

To some extent anyone who has ever loved has been hurt in one way or another though your pain is at the extreme end. I've had women cheat on me and it hurt. You feel rejected and hurt and for a time, you will wonder if you can ever trust and love again. You can.

jezza wrote:

in.my.experience. men are lying cheating wasters.

Really? In. My. Experience. most of the women I've been with are emotionally incontinent children with fluid loyalty that will do anything if they are convinced it's right at the the time and justify their actions later. Is that all women? Nope. Is it even all the women I've been with? Nope. Even with the ones who did cheat on me was it always their fault? Nope.

whatever. go have a **** for yourself

Your bitterness I can ignore. Your generalisations I may take an issue with and respond. This won't be tolerated.

smiler26

To be fair, in my experience I have found many men to be cheaters.

BUT... the women they cheat with are sometimes knowing and willing participants, so i think it's more of a general lack of respect among a lot of individuals for other people!

Marksie

OK: thats three moderators now who have responded to Jezza.
The question here is not are all mean cheaters, but the OPs issues.

Get it back that topic and no more off topic posting

LegacyUser

OP,i'll give you a childs perspective as i went through this with my dad
My dad was a serial cheater, used to cheat on my mother the whole time.My mother was blind to it all until the day the parents of the girl (20 years his senior) knocked at our door to tell us the awful news.

He walked out on us when i was 6. In time i have forgiven him but i have a seriously uneasy relationship with him. He eventually married the woman he left us for , i have nno time for her even though he expects us to play happy familys. I can never forget what he did to my mother or to me and my sister

Get shot of this guy, it may be hard now but you and your kids are better off without this scum, believe me, i've been through it.

As for the generalising comments on this thread, grow up.

milkerman

PEOPLE cheat, their gender is irrelevant.
OP, You are well rid of this person - maybe you want 'closure' but don't hold your breath waiting for it.
There are some really great honest men, go find one.

Dudess

Cheatingdad wrote: »

My mother was blind to it all until the day the parents of the girl (20 years his senior) knocked at our door to tell us the awful news.

Presume you mean 20 years his junior? Just curious.

OP, my heart goes out to you. What a horrendous experience. But you've done the right thing, instead of letting him hang around and hoping against hope that he'll change. However, at the same time, the hurt and anger is obviously still very raw. Easy for me to say but I think you owe it to yourself to let go of that baggage, otherwise it will just eat you up inside. Forget about this asshole, start living your life: being good to yourself, doing the things you enjoy, meeting up with your friends regularly. He's carrying on, why should you be left behind?

nmk

SetantaL wrote: »

Cheating in a marraige is a horrible horrible thing. The type of man that acknowledges it was wrong in the way you want is the type that wouldn't have done it in the first place. You're still looking for answers in the wrong places. Move on.

+1 There's no point in looking for closure from someone with so little scruples as to tell such barefaced lies. You're still caught up in the hurt of him going rather than trying to salvage the marriage. You're so much better off that he did go rather than try to keep stringing you along with more lies. You can't contemplate the amount of hurt he's caused because you couldn't do that to anyone, especially your partner and kids, unfortunately, your ex-husband doesn't have your standards and you have to accept that.

Try to get out and about as others have suggested, by all means thrash out your issues here or with your friends but try to get involved in other things so that your life isn't defined by what he did and how much he hurt you. Someday you'll realise that you don't care anymore what was going on in his head when he did the dirt/tried to deny it etc. Best of luck.

babyguinnessfan

Hi Sally,

Sorry you have to go through all this. I've been cheated on also and he had the gumption to try to tell me that "it goes on more than you think" and that basically he hadn't known any guys that hadn't cheated on their partners. That really messed me up for a while there! But just tell yourself that the first thing to do is rebuild your own life, make your own happiness, enjoy your children and don't let this guy's awful behaviour make you bitter towards any other men you may meet - I still hold out hope that one day I'll meet one of the good guys.

You did the right thing. You got rid of the weed in your garden. You don't have to have that extra stress in your life anymore of wondering where he is or any of that.

I hope that all goes well for you. x

Oryx

OP I really sympathise with what youre going through. Your husband has left without giving you a proper explanation or apology and that makes the cheating doubly hard to deal with.

His behaviour smacks of a coward. Cowards cheat because they havent the courage to face up to problems or face up to hurting someone. And cowards then walk away rather than deal with the aftermath of their behaviour. Your husband would rather walk out than explain simply because he is weak. If its not something you can make him change, you need to change yourself and try to move on without receiving the remorse you seem to need from him. Accept he is not noble, and is not going to apologise, and that you need to live your life without him. He only has any kind of emotional hold over you if you let him.

JuliusCaesar

Whatever your feelings about your ex-husband - and I can understand that you are angry and bitter - do please make sure that you do not communicate this to your children. After all, he is their father. Too many women and men use the children as pawns as they play out their anger against each other. And that is really not good for them!

If you're finding it difficult to rebuild your life, remember: it takes time. See a counsellr if necessary. Give time to yourself, if you can. You don't say how old the kids are, so I don't know if you get any free time. (Does he see them? Does he have access? It can make it a lot harder to get over if you are having to constantly see each other when you hand children over to each other - might be worthwhile asking someone else to be there to answer the door to him if so) Build a new life. HOpefully you'll eventually meet somebody who will treat you well.

sallyy44

thanks everyone for your comments.two of my children are in their early twenties and the third is a teenager.there is really no contact with any of us.at christmas he sent a friend of his down to us with presents for his children-he wouldn't even call himself.he sends texts sometimes to them which might just say "hello".he sends them money for birthdays etc.he seems to think money can buy evrything.i just find it all consuming.i do plan to get some counselling but even that I know I will find difficult.

gcgirl

My ex was the same He thought he was justified because i was over weight at the time not now though! He just wanted his cake He walked out finally last year for some girl 12 years younger than me and she compleatly screwed him for money then left him The major problem i face is the fact we have 3 kids together he never took any interest in them while we were together missed son's 1st birthday went off and played golf worked 6 days and played golf every sunday never went to hospital with the girls older one had very bad asthma the younger one has an on going problem with her hip in and out of hosital the last 2 years i really wish he would leave me and kids to get on with our lives he thinks that the kids are his posessions but all he ever done was supply the sperm as i say fathers are there from the time your born not just when the wheather takes you and when you want to parade new girlfriend off , for his daughters 2nd bday he brought her a bag of 2nd hand teddy bears he did not even wash them! I am looking up moving away from my family just to be shot of him i hate leaving them but i wil never get any peace he is a total evil b'stard but he is now a bald fat and ugly b'stard!

Quality

Well done op for asking him to leave, I am sure it was a very difficult thing to do after so many years of marriage...

You asked him to leave because you were not happy and of course it will take you a while to get your confidence back after the 8 years of sh1t he put you through..

I think 1 year is enough to mourn the loss of your marriage and loss of your husband..
Its time to move on with "your" life now.... Your kids are grown up.. You need to start looking after yourself now. Try and get a few interests or a part time job (if your not working) and a little holiday for yourself...

I am thinking Shirley Valentine style!!:D

Best of luck in the future and remember not all men are like that.. Put it down to a notch on your bed post and move on!;)

Talliesin

Either:

He was never cheating and is sick of having to defend himself and certainly isn't going to now.

Or:

He has issues with admitting that he is ever in the wrong.

In either case, what benefit is there to be got from his saying any different now?

A year later, it's time to focus on how to deal with your ex-husband as best the two of you can, not on what you or your husband could have done differently years ago.

JuliusCaesar

sallyy44 wrote: »

i just find it all consuming.

As said, you really do need to re-build your life. Get to know new people, get out of the house, socialise. There are plenty of opportunities - in Dublin anyway. It's amazing how putting the focus on something positive decreases anger and resentment and bitterness. Your best revenge is to have a brilliant life without him!

sallyy44

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

As said, you really do need to re-build your life. Get to know new people, get out of the house, socialise. There are plenty of opportunities - in Dublin anyway. It's amazing how putting the focus on something positive decreases anger and resentment and bitterness. Your best revenge is to have a brilliant life without him!

i do have a lot of friends, socialise and am involved in a number of things ie sports.the problem really is i want some honesty from my husband.my children dont want to talk to him because all they get are lies.he has brought them into this in a way that isnt nice.i know that he is bad mouthing me to his friends and to his 'woman'.he was texting my eldest recently and he accidently sent her a couple of texts that were obviously meant for his woman.telling her insulting things about me and his children.

Ickle Magoo

What a horrible situation. Sympathies OP.

It jumps out at me that you are still calling the guy who left you a whole year ago "my husband"...do you really find it that surprising that someone who could cheat for eight years of you life together & then left you & your kids could bad-mouth you? Or tell lies?

Does it really matter why he did things? Would that change any of it? I really think you have to move on & accept what this man is & what he's done to you. Accept he doesn't love you as he should, he doesn't respect you & he's made the decision he doesn't want to be with you. Start dealing with the issues he has with the kids from a different stance because I think it is important that he still carry out his duties as a parent even if he has chosen to leave the parental home.

In short, I think you need to start viewing him as an ex-husband you are well shot of who ought to be a better father.

maryjmul

hi hope your doing well,its only been a year and you are still going through the grieving process it could take you another couple of years to but this man behind you why men /women cheat no one knows one thing is for sure its not your fault and you did nothing wrong it could be he has commiment issues ,esteem issues or that he likes the chase he will probably go on to cheat in every other relationship ,i know its hard but put it behind you learn to love yourself and stop wondering this and that about your marriage hes gone you dont have to lie awake at night wondering where hes at hes someone elses problem do your upmost to be civil towards him for your childrens sake and for your own mental health never take him back as he will never stop cheating maintain a dignified manner towards him and he will start to wonder why the hell he didint realise what a brill person you were and then sit back and watch him suffer and please dont take him back never!!! in time hopefully you will get back on the scene and next time round youll know exactly what your looking for in a partner there are a lot of decent guys out there i know plenty and they are looking for the same thing as us women healthy relationships never throw in the towel your to young for that best wishes mj