Whatever happened to my friend?

Wilba

Hi all,

Well a couple of years ago I went out with this girl and like always, a lot of time is spent when a couple is together. Anyway, one day I decided to spent some time with my friends and one of my closest friends said (not in a direct way but in general): if someone from our circle of friends decides to go out with someone and spend too much time with them then this so called circle of friends should not easily re-allow anyone (me) back into the group.

At the time I thought to myself: "Why is he saying this" and i kinda felt like he was angry at me for some dumb reason. I never mentioned a thing about it and so i kept it to myself.

Anyway, last year he ended up getting his first ever girlfriend and so he took it overboard and decided to go missing for a couple of months. I never disturbed him once because i knew she was his first girlfriend and needed sometime to get familiar with the whole boyfriend& girlfriend thing. I contacted him a short time after Christmas and after many failed attempts, he agreed that we should hang out like most friends do.

It's now been nearly two months and everytime i message him so we can hang out once in a while he never gets back to me and I now know he doesn't want to hang out because my other friends tell me that he always asks them to do something. His attitude has also changed now, I mean he's arrogant most of the times and thinks he's soo cool, at times too confident and even the way he drives now: it's like p.i.m.p style or something.

What can I do? I mean we've been friends since high school and he can be an alright person but I'm sensing that he's a kind of hypocrite in a way?? - based on what he once told me. I'm always the one helping him whenever he needs help and replying to his messages whenever he needs something. I feel as if it might be a one way friendship?? I'm also starting to think that I shouldn't really care and just move on if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I Hope someone can help. Thanks everyone.

denhaagenite

Wilba wrote: »

I shouldn't really care and just move on if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Don't mean to be nasty but maybe you should take your own advice here and do exactly this. He doesn't need you at the moment, but when he does he'll ask. And going on what you've said you'll need an apology for his behaviour.

LegacyUser

Surely it shouldn't be about needing someone...it should be simply be about wanting to hang with someone...if i got a girlfriend and ditched all my friends for her, i don't think i'd have much confidence after because who would i have? Just me and my girlfriend...oh great yip dee doo the fun that can be had.

1408

ì would ignore him because he's not worth your time or effort. he obviously has double standards.

Wilba

denhaagenite wrote: »

Don't mean to be nasty but maybe you should take your own advice here and do exactly this. He doesn't need you at the moment, but when he does he'll ask. And going on what you've said you'll need an apology for his behaviour.

No, that's cool, no offence taken. I'm not the type of person who just forgets about everyone and justs ditches them. I wanted to get some advice before I take the decision.

Wilba

cheesedude wrote: »

Surely it shouldn't be about needing someone...it should be simply be about wanting to hang with someone...if i got a girlfriend and ditched all my friends for her, i don't think i'd have much confidence after because who would i have? Just me and my girlfriend...oh great yip dee doo the fun that can be had.

Yeah, that's it. I thought we were mates and so when i first started to notice his strange behaviour I asked myself: what did I do, was it something I said or done?

After thinking about it for a long time I just told myself that I never did anything wrong. I mean everyone gets into relationships, it's just a part of life. If he can't deal with it then that's his problem. He took it too far though.

NortSoide

I've had several friends act like that in my life.
Personally, I have been very 'let down' by this kind of stuff.

You can expect this pattern of behaviour from some people when they find a partner. All their time is spent with the partner - and, none or very little time spent with friends prior to that relationship. They won't even meet up for a pint once in a while.

It gets worse when they get married - especially when the ankle biters come along.

These days when I see that happening - I let them 'get on with it'. Essentially, I don't bother with them any more either.

And God forbid, if that relationship ever breaks down at some stage. A lot do these days. 'Chuckie' will look around seeking a friend for some support - only to find that there is no one there ! Personally, 'Chuckie' need not come knocking at my door either.

I think - you have lost your friend. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve that kind of treatment.

I would say - let him get on with it now. And, you get on with your life - and don't behave like that yourself towards other people when you find 'de (so-called) wan'.

There is nothing you can do.
Just put him out of your life.
End Of Story.

Jack B. Badd

Wilba wrote: »

one of my closest friends said (not in a direct way but in general): if someone from our circle of friends decides to go out with someone and spend too much time with them then this so called circle of friends should not easily re-allow anyone (me) back into the group.

Tbh, this kind of black and white attitude towards things like friendship seems to be a bit immature. How old is he? If he's out of "high school" then I have to assume he's no longer a teenager.

You're best bet is to confront him over it. Organise to meet up with him and ask him what the story is and why he's been avoiding you. Either he'll give you an honest answer and you two can try to work out whatever issues may exist or he'll avoid the whole thing (in which case you could consider if you still want to be friends with someone who's so immature). Good luck.

Wilba

The funny thing is that he is actually 26 and yep now that I think about it - he has done some pretty immature things in the past. He once told me that since he started hanging around me his life has changed in so many ways. He has changed alot since High School. I won't go into details but let's just say that he went out with his first ever girlfriend about 2 years ago.

My guess is that because his High School days passed him by he is now developing in the same way a teenager would, in other words he is now going through what should have happened ten years ago. But it has been happening for a while now so it's not like he hasn't had any sort of experience by now, surely he would have learned something by now.

He tried texting me a couple of times since I last posted in this thread but I never replied to him. I took the advice from many people that posted here and it has definitely helped. After many years of copping the same crap I decided not to socialise with him for a while. I don't want anything to do with immature people who never want to grow up. Perhaps we will sort some stuff out in the future but I have now moved on and I actually feel better now-it's not in the back of my mind anymore so I only wish him well.

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

Cheers

Wurly

Oh Jesus - what a head wreck. Id leave him be tbh. No point in running after him the whole time. If he still wanted to be your mate - he'd be a lot more forthcoming.

Be thankful for the good times you had etc. Spend your time on the friends that actually deserve it.

Handsome Bob

From experience with two of my own friends all I can say is that there is nothing you can do. My friends are by no means arrogant like yours seems to be, but they are guys that when they are in a relationship they don't need anyone else.

One has been in a long term relationship but the other has had a few girlfriends over the years. Once he finishes with a gf he'll ring one of us to ask us what we are up to for the weekend so don't worry, your friend will eventually come crawling back like you did once yourself! (Joking)

scruff321

Wilba wrote: »

No, that's cool, no offence taken. I'm not the type of person who just forgets about everyone and justs ditches them. I wanted to get some advice before I take the decision.

you sound exactly like me,one of my best mates ditched me after he got with his bird..still hung around with all the same people but not me,even though i was one of his best mates and he used to say the exact same things about other people who would ditch their mates for a girl.my advice to you is ****em.you probably have plently of other friends to hang out with and even if he was dead sound hes after ditchin you,theres only so many times you can make an effort!he is obviouslt a me feiner and if or when hel probly end up come crawling back make sure to point out was a sap he is if he does.

Irishcrx

I've got the same thing with my mate, up to 3 months ago he'd always hang out with the lads, go for drinks etc and then he meets his girlfriend and within 3 weeks we never saw him, he lives with me and I never see him from one end of the week to the other, I invite him out all the time-never comes, now i've been in 4 year relationship and always have made time for my friends, never adopted this attitude, he just sits in his room all day and night with her. Last night he turns back up with her and all her bags and tells me she's staying for two weeks, I ask him if he's coming to my 21's this weekend and alass another excuse, pretty hurtfull.

LegacyUser

This has happened with all of the lads in our circle. I have a girlriend but always made time to meet up with the lads, maybe go out once or twice a month - she does the same with her friends. I've always made an effort to make sure to keep up with friends. Over the years, we are now in a situation where we all have girlfriends. Problem is since each of the lads started going out with their girlfriend - I hear less and less from them. Of course they'd be slagging about spending too much time with girlfriends and all the lads talk but as soon as they hook up with someone they just dissappear. Sad really to forget your friends and the life you had before meeting a girl- i've tried many many times to meet up with one or a few of them but always getting excuses at the last minute - so i dont bother anymore. Must be a fact of life - find a partner - ditch your friends - very weird mentality.