Am I Being Unreasonable?

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

I just want some advice on the matter below. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and if I'm not I need to try and resolve the issue in a manner that dosen't cause any offence.

Every fortnight for the past two months my brother has been travelling up from Carlow and staying over friday night in the one bedroom apartment my girlfriend and I rent in Dubin city centre. He's been coming up to go out to dinner/pub with some social club he's recently joined. He usually gives me a call around 1am in the morning to come down and open the door for him and then he sleeps on a 'temporary' bed in our living room.

When my girlfriend gets up on a saturday morning she feels she can't enjoy herself as she can't wander into the living room as he sleeps there until around 11am. So she either has to stay in the bedroom or head out somewhere.

It's a little annoying for us as it's happening on a regular basis, it's putting us out as we can't enjoy our saturday properly. I don't mind helping out my brother, but the regularity of it is a little annoying and he doesn't seem to realise that it might be putting us out.

So my question to you good folks is 'Am I being unreasonable?'. I don't think I am and I'd like to try and make my brother understand our position without hurting his feelings.

Does anyone have any advice?

SarahSassy

So its happened twice? I think giving him a key to the apartment would solve 50% of your problems immediately?????

With regard your gf's issue re saturday morning, I think there is a compromise there. You could tell him ot be up and about by 10am with the room tidied but also ask that he stays every second / third weekend. I think its a bit much to be pd off seeing as he has only stayed twice and he is sleeping til 11 am not 4 pm......

The novelty of sleeping on a blow up bed will probably wear off soon so I would not cause a problem right now.

Kintarō Hattori

SarahSassy wrote: »

So its happened twice? I think giving him a key to the apartment would solve 50% of your problems immediately?????

With regard your gf's issue re saturday morning, I think there is a compromise there. You could tell him ot be up and about by 10am with the room tidied but also ask that he stays every second / third weekend. I think its a bit much to be pd off seeing as he has only stayed twice and he is sleeping til 11 am not 4 pm......

The novelty of sleeping on a blow up bed will probably wear off soon so I would not cause a problem right now.

My apologies, I wrote two weeks instead of two months. He's been coming for two months!

jellie

eo980 wrote: »

Every fortnight for the past two weeks

Makes no sense how long?

cant really give much an opinion without knowing that..

if its a regular thing i can completely understand why your gf isnt too happy about it. saturdays are supposed to be "yay no work i can do whatever i want" not "oh crap his bro is here ive to tiptoe around so i dont wake him". although personally id probably get over that quickly enough & make as much noise as possible so he couldnt sleep on, its her apartment after all? so theres a kind of b*tchy suggestion - make it not such a nice easy place for him to stay?

has he any friends from this social club he could stay with? what about a compromise, staying every 2nd visit in your apt, staying elsewhere other times?

SarahSassy

Ohhhhh, big difference. I can understand why ye are getting a bit sick of it. I was thinking your gf was a bit of a cow for complainign already but now I see why.

At the end of the day he is your brother but I do think you are now justified asking him to come every second week or so.... I think that's fair and also give him a key so he doesnt wake you. You are in an awkward position and I dont envy you...

Placebo

bros before hoes?

haha, if youre a working couple than use that angle to explain to him how you need your day off to relax. Dont say its just her.

Talliesin

Wow. It's a post by you in this forum where I actually find myself in agreement with your girlfriend.

And yet...

eo980 wrote: »

When my girlfriend gets up on a saturday morning she feels

What do you feel?

The most we hear about you in this is "It's a little annoying for us".

You're phrasing an issue that affects three people primarily in terms of the two people who aren't you.

And putting other people first is great and all, but if you don't put yourself forward too then you don't have as much to offer the people you're putting first.

I think you seriously need to re-examine how much importance you place on yourself.

Oh, and then tell your brother you don't run a boarding house.

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Talliesin,

Wow what a post I don't really know where to start! Look don't worry about me, I have a good opinion of myself and I do look after my wants and needs. I do try to look out for other people though, as that's just the sort of person I am, but on this occasion though I'm kinda caught between a rock and a hard place.

Having my brother there doesn't bother me too much, but yeah it would be nice to be able to get up and do what we want, the way that we want on a saturday morning without having a sleeping brother in the living room.

On the other hand, what I didn't mention in my original post is that my brother is gay and the group he meets up with on a friday night get together, head out for a meal and some conversation and a drink or two afterwards. It seems to be a good thing for him and something that he doesn't have in carlow. It's more difficult for him to socialise than straight people, so I don't want to make things difficult for him by saying no he can't come up and stay with us.

I think though I'm going to have to put a dampner on it for him, but is there a way I can phrase it without hurting his feelings, letting him down?

dublad23

Hi EO980

There is a Mens Night held every Friday where I guess they meet and go out drinking etc.

There is also a LGB Society in Carlow IT. I presume he isn't a student there but if he contacts them they might be ok if he tagged along

How old is he?

Kintarō Hattori

Hey dublad23,

Thanks for the information. He's well aware of the scene in Carlow and LGB society, but he is a fair bit older than the typical student and really quite the brain box so I think he's found this group in Dublin which suits him.

dublad23

That's cool then. I thought that might be the case.

I do think you need to try phase it out- surely he will understand and if it was vice versa how would he feel.

There is Hostels in Dublin that he could book into, not ideal I know but I can understand him wanting to get out on the town too.

Perhaps next Friday your girlfriends "friend" could be staying over.

You do need to talk to him though.

Good Luck

Sangre

Considering he is in the living room I think its pretty reasonable asking him to be up and ready around 10/10.30am. Say you love having him down and you don't want to stop but you're early risers (don't single out the GF) and would like the full use of the house without fear of waking you up. Nobody likes waking up anyone or tiptoeing around him even if he is the guest.

daiixi

Sure its you're living room. Get up, get some music on, do a load of washing or two. If your brother is happy to crash in your living room he should be happy to get up when the house gets up.

Beruthiel

eo980
This need not be an issue.
If it were my brother, I'd happily allow him to stay over.
However, I'd still be getting up when I please and doing whatever it is I usually do on a Sat morning.
At this stage, you've allowed him to get used to things happening in a certain way.
So, you'll have to sit him down, explain that at times you've felt uncomfortable waking him up but now that this seems to be a regular thing, you'd like to lay down some ground rules.
After all, your house, your rules.

seamus

Beruthiel wrote: »

eo980
This need not be an issue.
If it were my brother, I'd happily allow him to stay over.
However, I'd still be getting up when I please and doing whatever it is I usually do on a Sat morning.
At this stage, you've allowed him to get used to things happening in a certain way.
So, you'll have to sit him down, explain that at times you've felt uncomfortable waking him up but now that this seems to be a regular thing, you'd like to lay down some ground rules.
After all, your house, your rules.

That's pretty much it.

I completely understand how much of a pain it is for someone to stay over in your sitting room. You get up in the morning, want to get some breakfast and chill in front of the telly for a while, but don't want to wake this person up. It's fine once in a while, but not every other weekend.

Seeing as it's a one bed apartment, I assume that the kitchen and living room are the same? In this case, both or either of you should just go into the kitchen and do what you normally do - stick on the kettle, make a little bit of noise with bowls and cutlery. Any normal person won't complain or ask you to keep it down - in fact, he'll probably wake up and get up. If he doesn't like being woken up, then he'll stop asking to stay over.

Im guessing that your girlfriend doesn't really know him all that well? I know if it was me sleeping in my brother's house, his girlfriend would have no problem coming in, switching on the telly to wake me up before sitting down and asking me if I want a cup of tea.

MyDseMkesAngels

[FONT=&quot]I agree with Beruthiel, the thing to do here is remember that it is your own home. The best thing for your gf to do is whatever the hell she likes on Saturday morning. Be noisy if she has to be, not unnecessarily or to be rude but turn on music or the tv if she wants. It's not right that she should be too afraid of making noise to make herself a cup of tea in the mornings. Let your brother know that he's quite welcome to stay but you're not going to tiptoe around him. I very highly doubt he'll be in any way offended by this.

I'm trying to put myself in the situation of a) my bfs brother staying over on Fridays. I would do whatever I liked and if it woke him up I'd give him a playful nudge and tease him about still being asleep at that time of day. I guarantee he'd speak up if he felt uncomfortable and as though I wanted him to leave so I would say no, he's welcome to stay as long as he likes.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]And b) my brother crashing out on our couch on Fridays and my bf having a problem with it. In this case I would have a word with my brother to let him know that he can’t stay on the sofa til midday. Now, your brothers behaviour may seem selfish to you but remember he can't read your mind and if you don't let him know that there's a problem he will naturally assume that there isn't.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]I can understand if your gf doesn’t want to confront your brother herself, she may not want to come across as a bitch. Especially when it’s a family member, she could be worried about causing a rift. Make sure you check in with her regularly to make sure she’s still okay with the situation. If this carried on for another two or three months I wouldn’t blame her for getting very fed up over it.[/FONT]

Phibsboro

Just to make the point that its always worth being circumspect in the personal details you give out on t'internet. It took me 2 mins to find the website for your brother's dining group (he'll be up again on the 29th! Is it a leap year this year?). Given that the group appears to be quite small, I think it's possible that someone at the table on the 29th will ask him if he's the lad from Carlow who's pi**ing off his brother's gf by sleeping in on a Sat morning Which I suppose will at least bring the issue out into the open :rolleyes:

Marksie

phibsboro: that is not what this PI thread is about. keep it on topic please

Playboy

Ok so he comes up once a fortnight and this has been going on for the past two months. So he has stayed about 4 times in total?

I can understand your gf's position but imo she should be a little more tolerant. I mean he is your brother and its not like he is there every night of the week.

But .. I think the best option is for him to get a hotel. I mean if he is only coming once a fornight and he works .. surely the price of a hotel for a night wouldnt be too much. Also it would give him some privacy if he met someone he liked.

I would tread very carefully though. Do not mention your gf or hint that this is your gf's problem. He is your brother and partners should not get involved in family matters or else it will only lead to trouble.

Phibsboro

Marksie wrote: »

phibsboro: that is not what this PI thread is about. keep it on topic please

Fair nuff On the topic, a regular stay over like that in a one bed apt would drive me bananas. I think the best suggestion so far is to have someone else staying over for the next couple of relevant Friday's - this should get the message across. It would also force your brother to get a hotel which will probably turn out to be an option he will enjoy - more freedom about staying out later, sleeping in and of course possibly bringing a fella home if the evening goes that way

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all the advice so far. My sister knows my brother reasonably well and quite likes him, but we really enjoy having the weekend to ourselves. She loves having the saturday morning to herself, sitting in her PJ's having some breakfast and watching some TV. My brother loves to sleep and would happily sleep late into the morning even though you'd be watching TV.

I do feel having him come up every second friday night to stay with us is a little much and I was hoping really for some way to solve this problem that wouldn't put either party out but I guess there isn't one. I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and say it to him.