Bereavement and Grief

BanzaiBk

A few weeks ago I lost one of my best friends to Leukemia. It had been expected for some while (~6 weeks) and I think I dealt with it as anyone would expect (very upset etc). After a few days though I perked up, started being more optimistic etc and began to feel better about the situation. I felt like she'd want us all to keep our heads up so I was doing that. The fact that we had been waiting for it to happen helped too I think to ease the situation. Work has been unmercifully hectic also and has definitly distracted me.

The passed four days however have been absolutely horrendous. I feel overcome with grief and sadness multiple times throughout the day. I keep breaking down, bawling my eyes out and convulsing with sheer horror that I can't call her and hear her voice or go hug her or anything. It's like I'm in shock that she's gone, like I've only just found out. I literally can't keep food down because I'm physically sickened at her loss. All I can imagine is her sitting up in the hospital bed and admiting that she was afraid to go to sleep in case she wouldn't wake up. That thought alone is preventing me from even sleeping at night. When it does happen I tend to lock myself in my room or the closest room near me and hide until it ends, which could be minutes or hours.

At a consultant appointment today (long term illness) I was told to try bereavement counselling but I have my doubts. This is the second time in a short while that I've lost someone close to me my oldest sibling died 2 years ago. While I myself didn't go for counselling my older sister did and had a less then ideal experience that she herself felt prolonged her grief rather than helped control it.

Does anyone have an opinion on weather 1) I am totally overreacting to the situation? and 2) would some form of bereavement counselling be helpful? Has anyone any experience of this type of counselling and how did it work for you? Generally I'm a fairly open person and have no problems discussing my feelings with friends/family/etc but I'm struggling really badly to talk to anyone about this. Any replies are appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Zillah

I found that spending time with supportive friends who didn't know the deceased helped a lot. It was very grounding, helped remind me there's a whole other world out that isn't lost to heart crushing grief. I think I'd be in a very dark place right now if it weren't for that.

On a related note, I've competely lost faith in the competancy of the Irish mental health sector, I'd reccomend you sort it out with family and friends.

galwaybabe

The most difficult stage of grief is coming to terms with the person not being around any more. It is particularly difficult when they have had a drawn out death, in that it is so hard to wipe out memories of hospital beds etc.

If possible, try to remember your friend prior to becoming ill, bring yourself back to the good times. This serves two purposes :- 1) it makes you forget the fear and suffering at the end and 2) it keeps those good memories alive.

I lost two very close people within a short space of time last year and I sometimes wondered would I ever get over it. I can now say it is possible, it does get easier. Talk to people, cry when you feel you need to and think about what your friend would have said to you to comfort you and try to echo those words in your head at low moments.

Grief can be a delayed reaction and there is nothing unusual in what you going through at the moment. It is a natural process and my advice is go with the flow.

May I offer my sincere condolences on your loss

BanzaiBk

Thanks for the replies. I feel pretty zoned about today about everything so haven't been thinking alot about it. The way things stand I think I'll give the counselling a miss for a while yet and try and sort myself out.

tk123

I really sorry for your loss - a friend of mine died nealy 5 months ago. It hard - I feel like if it was a family member people would be more open to you grieving for them. I hadn't seen her in few years - i didn't know she was in hospital (LTI) and when I did find out I was busy and hadn't gotten around to seeing her yet when I got the call to say she died - I didn't know she was that bad. Anyhoos the day I found out was a Saturday and I was in work for the few days before the funeral so it didn't really sink in. On the morning of the funeral it hit me like a ton of bricks - thank god my mum came with me because I couldn't hold back the tears and I bawled at the funeral - seeing the coffin made me realize how special she was and how I was never going to see her again. Even thou I hadn't seen her for years I always assumed we'd meet up again when she was back in Ireland (we lost touch when she was traveling). At the funeral I felt (and still feel) really guilty about not making the time to go and see her and 4 months on still get sad thinking of her - writing this post is even making me teary :rolleyes:. On the other hand sometimes I think I might be better off not seeing her when she was close to death because i don't think I would have been able to be strong for her and thats all I'd remember now. The other day in work somebody was making stupid comments about 'gays' - my friend was gay and I felt like they were insulting her and her memory and got really annoyed to the point where I had to go off by myself and have a little cry - but just a little one not like before when eg there was somebody with the same name as her in a movie and I was bawling my eyes out when somebody called her name it it:rolleyes:. You need to give yourself time to adjust to her not being around anymore but it does get easier. Try not to feel like you have to act a certain way - like galwaybabe says go with the flow - if you feel sad be sad, if you feel happy be happy.

sobriquet

Sorry to hear of your loss OP. I lost someone close a while ago, almost a year ago now, after prolonged terminal illness. I think it's only know I'm getting back to something like normal with regards to work etc. I don't know if I'd say that it gets' easier' so much as you learn to live with it, but that rawness does pass. Splitting hairs maybe.

BanzaiBk wrote: »

When it does happen I tend to lock myself in my room or the closest room near me and hide until it ends, which could be minutes or hours.

I know what that's like, and though I've had people tell me that it's not a good way to deal with grief, I can't see why tbh. When the emotions come on there's a loss of control, which I found hard to deal with in itself. I don't see a problem in keeping something of a stiff upper lip for the most part, then having the emotional periods on your own terms.

BanzaiBk wrote: »

While I myself didn't go for counselling my older sister did and had a less then ideal experience that she herself felt prolonged her grief rather than helped control it.

I've not had anything like that either, though a friend of mine in a similar position to me did and found it helpful. It's a deeply subjective thing I think, there's a lot of variables to contend with - how soon since the death etc. She did it quite a while after her loss which I think is the right time. I don't quite see how it'd prolong the grief, maybe it brought up things that she didn't realise bothered her.

Thing is I suppose, there's plenty of time to think about it, there's no shortcut to dealing with it. As the others have said, go with the flow.

Wibbs

Been through it. Lost a very close friend suddenly with no warning at a young age. Followed by my father dying. Not easy but you will get through it. It really is down to time. Bland and obvious but true. Counseling may help if you would respond to that. Some do, some don't it's not for everyone. The only advice I would give is accept the feelings and maybe even wallow in them for a finite time. Give yourself a time limit. "I won't dwell as much on this in a weeks time". That worked for me. Don't cut yourself off from those around you either and don't avoid reminders of the person. In my case I actually overdosed on the reminders. After a while my brain got bored for want fo a better word and it started to get easier. You will have days out of the fúckin blue where it'll hit you, but again when you know that it's easier to take. I wish you luck.

Marksie

Sorry for your loss

I have similar experiences to Wibbs.

Lost my nephew through a heart attack at 28 and last year my dad through cancer.

Do go to the bereavment counselling if you think it may help. But its important to reaslie it is a process of grieving.

The only thing i would say is that you should not try to hide the emotion inside but try to explress it.
Your friends will support you and be understanding.
again as wibbs sai something will hit you out of the blue at teh strangest time. Again juts express the emotion

LadyJ

Bereavement counselling is not easy. It is a long and emotional process. Sure it is easy to keep grief down for years and years and get on with things but generally the grief will find a way to break through again and probably affect your life in various different ways.

By going to counselling, you are confronting your grief. Grief does not go away.....ever. By dealing with it through counselling it does make it seem quite raw but it helps you to deal with it properly so that it won't have an adverse effect on you later on. There is no quick fix. Therapy is a long road but it is worth it. It will not numb your pain, it will throw it in your face and you will have to look at it and learn to incorporate it into your life and into your being instead of sitting on it and letting it build up.

I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to deal with things like this but take all the help you can get and you will be ok.

BanzaiBk

It's really great to come back to this thread and see all the great replies, I appreciate them all.

The past few days have been tough but not as bad as previously. Today I decided to go and visit her grave by myself as I knew this would help me. Unfortunatly it's a 1h20min drive from where I live so I can't make the journey as much as I would like but I'm going to make the effort at least bimonthly. It was as I expected a very calming experience.

As some of you would know there was no headstone yet just a simple cross and some of the funeral flowers still marking her place. Her mother had asked me last night to clean it a bit if I could as her grandmother is visiting later and it'd be nice for her if it looked neat and stuff. However menial it may seem to some people the simple acts of throwing away the old flowers, fixing in some new ones among the existing ones, picking up the stray leaves and petals, collecting the newer cards of condolences etc was really theraputic for me. It felt good to be able to help her even though she's not here. It was upsetting of course but it was almost a relief I think, I felt that the area was calm and not isolated or fearful.

You all of course hit the nail on the head regarding taking time to grieve. I can be a fairly impatient person and kinda want a "fix" for a lot of things. I realise though I can't simply fix this.