No confidence in my abilities

LegacyUser

I need to build up some confidence in myself - I have none, despite doing quite well for myslef and achieving quite a bit. Ive done a lot of travelling, got a good degree, am considered good looking, intelligent enough etc but for some reason i have a really low opinion of myself.

I got a fantastic job out of college but it was a lot of responsability and I just hated it and couldnt handle it, I just beleived i couldnt do it, I wasnt good enough, when there was no reason i couldnt of done it.

I can get a bit nervous around new people, like if theres someone new around or whatever I just feel a bit weird, dont know where to put my hands, hardly talk till i get to know them a bit etc

Last week i was at a party, Im a good guitar player and the guitar was being passed around, my mates were saying i should play cos im good but there was no way in hell i was going to play in front of people I dont know.

In my new job im constatly thinking im going to mess up and hate answering the phone and i avoid responsability if i can - Im just to afraid of messing things up.

The thing is sometimes I can just talk away to people I dont know no bother, I do great in interviews (ive been told a few times i sell myself really well) and would sometimes appear the most confident person ever. I dont want advice about chatting girls up etc, im OK at doing that if ive a few beers in me, its just the day to day stuff I want to be more confident about.

I was bullied during school for a couple of years and was never good at sports, i think this is probably the reason im like this?

Any advise to help me overcome this would be appreciated

its this sort of stuff i want to fix about myself and the awkwardbness of me, i just want to be more confident.

SarahSassy

Your lack of confidence in yourself is a self-fulfilling prophesy and its paralysing you.... In your case, I think either a course of counselling or working on your own attitude will bring you out of this, one probably quicker than the other. I do feel that positive thoughts bring positive actions and watched The Secret lately, found it very good and you can google it and download the move for US$5. Watch that and see what you think.

blain

I'd recommend meditation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meditation

daiixi

I'd recommend biting the bullet and doing things and if you **** up you **** up. Once you actually start doing things and realising that you can do them you'll be much better off. And as said before, if you do find yourself ****ing up well then you can deal with it. Better to **** up once or twice than never to try anything. The only person who expects you to be perfect is yourself.

helimachoptor

daiixi wrote: »

I'd recommend biting the bullet and doing things and if you **** up you **** up. Once you actually start doing things and realising that you can do them you'll be much better off. And as said before, if you do find yourself ****ing up well then you can deal with it. Better to **** up once or twice than never to try anything. The only person who expects you to be perfect is yourself.

This is very good advice. OP in work most likely you will make some mistakes. Learn from these mistakes. Everybody makes them so dont worry so much.

wylo

OP, you need to start forcing yourself out of your comfort zone, thats the only way you'll build confidence. You could start with something like meditation as one poster said, I tried it for a while and enjoyed the benefits. But it wont really work that well if you like your drinking sessions etc,thatss why i stopped,it was either going to be one or the other for me.
Id really recommend paul mckennas confidence cd, its great hypnosis.
Most importantly you've to start doing things your 'not in the mood' for the doing.

StandnDeliver

I was bullied in school for years,i was very quiet,nervous,and dreaded every day for years.I got over my low self esteem and anxiety by getting a job with the public,that helped to build my confidence as did finishing school.I went on a self destruction path after school,drink and too much of it and the silly things you do.
One day i woke up and said what the hell am i doing,I then began to think about all the bad things,had a cry,wrote down my feelings,and it helped.I confided in someone about it and then listened and that seemed to help
I then looked at the people who had done this to me,some have good jobs but that doesn't make them a happy person,I then said to hell with them,Life is for living and decided ive given them too much of my time they're not having the rest.Life is for living,laughter,fun,friends,lovers.

I really found confronting and writing down stuff helped.Someone told me the other day thats what therapists do. Good luck OP

DetectivFoxtrot

I used to feel like you for years but your behaviour is a bit more extreme that mine was i.e. not doing things in work to avoid making mistakes etc. I did the things but when I made mistakes I'd beat myself up about it thinking 'how could ya be so stupid...' etc etc. I too was awkward around people and always worried about what I said to people, I was consumed with people thinking i was an eejit, which was weird because I would't have done/said anything to make them think that I was an eejit! mad!!

Then over the years (I'm 28 now) these feelings disipated (without the use of anti depressants or receiving therapy). There was no big revelation, my confidence just took longer to develop than most people (much longer!)... but it did. I went for promotions in work and got them and that forced me out of my 'sit at the back and say nothing' comfort zone which you need to get out of by the way (like the other posters have said). I made sh1t loads of mistakes, and will continue to get things wrong sometimes but I'm good at what I do despite that. We have to have that attitude otherwise we'd get nowhere.. - you're being way too hard on yourself; I bet you're good at loads of stuff and get lots of things right - you're focussing on the negative way to much.

I know this sounds a bit naff but can I recommend the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tole, it'll help you focus on the present (from reading your OP you seem consumed by things from the past and it's affecting how you behave now which is going to affect your future - i.e. restrict you doing what you want to do, being who you want to be and it's all generated from irrational fear of failure) you have absolutely no control over the past OR the future, you can only act in the present (the book explains it a lot better lol!). Give it a go, hope this helps

lilrayosunshine

Would you take up a drama class where no one knows anybody?
Drama classes can do amazing things for someone's confidence.

sobriquet

daiixi wrote: »

I'd recommend biting the bullet and doing things and if you **** up you **** up. Once you actually start doing things and realising that you can do them you'll be much better off. And as said before, if you do find yourself ****ing up well then you can deal with it. Better to **** up once or twice than never to try anything. The only person who expects you to be perfect is yourself.

+1 to this. Confidence comes from experience, and experience comes from trying and failing.

I used to a good bit of martial arts training, and often heard that it was good for building character. Never quite made sense until I realised it's not the practice of it that builds character, it's going out sparring and getting your arse handed to you over and over and slowly improving that's the character building part. Having it done in front of mates who laugh at you when the black belts kick your arse in new and interesting ways is actually a bonus, it helps build a thick skin. It goes for anything really.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. Today I went in and threw myself in there, I was dreading it but I did it and i was grand.I got the phone out and rang loads of people, usually id email or wait till the office emptied out and then id still speak in a low voice. Not today.



I also walked around with my head held up and back straight- I usually slump around the place.



Due to a really bad knee injury I cannot do any sports and im sure that includes martial arts. It is something I would love to do, but due to my restricted leg movements and my leg being a bit delicate its probably best off that I don’t. I really think it would help me though, it’s a pity.



Keep the advice coming people!

seraphimvc

noconfidenceboy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Today I went in and threw myself in there, I was dreading it but I did it and i was grand.I got the phone out and rang loads of people, usually id email or wait till the office emptied out and then id still speak in a low voice. Not today.



I also walked around with my head held up and back straight- I usually slump around the place.



Due to a really bad knee injury I cannot do any sports and im sure that includes martial arts. It is something I would love to do, but due to my restricted leg movements and my leg being a bit delicate its probably best off that I don’t. I really think it would help me though, it’s a pity.



Keep the advice coming people!

that's great!OP you are making progress:)keep it up!

i think this is just the way of us young men,especially when just came out from school,adapting our 'real adult life',it's a progress,it's just how life works.

**** does happens .and people make mistakes!so what?learn the **** off for next time.enjoy the ride,mate!:D

dingding

noconfidenceboy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Today I went in and threw myself in there, I was dreading it but I did it and i was grand.I got the phone out and rang loads of people, usually id email or wait till the office emptied out and then id still speak in a low voice. Not today.



I also walked around with my head held up and back straight- I usually slump around the place.



Due to a really bad knee injury I cannot do any sports and im sure that includes martial arts. It is something I would love to do, but due to my restricted leg movements and my leg being a bit delicate its probably best off that I don’t. I really think it would help me though, it’s a pity.



Keep the advice coming people!

Well done, :)remember how good today felt and try the same tomorrow.:)

brophs

While it may be a bit off-centre, I would suggest going to Toastmasters. It's a public speaking group, that apparently is raved about by anyone who goes. You can be guaranteed to meet like minded people through it, and do it in a safe, non-judgmental environment.

http://www.toastmasters.ie/

Btw, congrats on the progress, grapsing the nettle is always a strong starting point. Making a mistake is not the true test of character, it is how you pick yourself up and try again that will genuinely be the making of you.

All the best