Condom phobia

LegacyUser

I've recently (about 6 weeks) started seeing a guy, tho I've known him about 6 months. We have GREAT sex, apart from one issue which makes me worry (about my behaviour and his)... (this is a bit of a rude one, sorry)

He seems to be almost physically phobic of condoms. Since the beginning I've asked him to wear one, but on many, many occasions, as soon as we (either he or I, we've tried both) try to put the condom on him, he goes back to mr. floppy. He says it's embarassing for him, and he doesn't try to push to have sex without a condom. But it's now happened a couple of times that, when drunk, I've gone 'oh f*** it' lets do it without one, and within seconds he's hard again. I'm on the pill and he has pulled out before coming, but I know that's not properly effective.

We've talked about what's up (or not as the case may be) and he just says he really hates using them and it somehow impacts on him physically, the thought that he has to put one on. The problem is, I also don't really like them either, was in a long-term relationship where we didn't use them and i think I got used to the increased sensation etc.

But I keep thinking I don't really know this guy's history, and suppose it's too early to really trust him. He told me he had a HIV test a few months ago at his Uni, but hasn't been tested for anything else. I know the advice here will probably be STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIM and I know this is right, but it's hard to retain the level-headedness after a few drinks, very turned on, everything else is going so well and then the attempt to put on a condom seems to ruin it all...

I suppose I'm wondering could this be a physiological thing, if anyone has experienced this and found better ways of dealing with it, or if 6 weeks in is time to consider trusting enough to move away from condoms... do couples these days all get STD checks these days before moving on to just using the pill?

Toots

You don't necessarily have to stop having unprotected sex with him, but you should both get an STD test before you continue to go condom free. You'll just have to be very careful in ensuring you take your pill every day without fail, and if you're sick, or on anitbiotics you either wrap it up or don't have sex. You might also want to consider switching your contraceptive to the injection or the bar as you don't have to remember to take them every morning (obviously).

Don't go into it lightly tho, make sure you're both clean and if it was me I'd go to my GP and ask which contraceptive they'd recommend if you're not using a barrier method anymore, just to be sure you're taking the best precautions.

Bottle_of_Smoke

condomphobia wrote: »

I'm on the pill and he has pulled out before coming, but I know that's not properly effective.

So long as you're taking the pill correctly, I think it would be statistically more effective than condoms even if he came inside you.

Xavi6

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

So long as you're taking the pill correctly, I think it would be statistically more effective than condoms even if he came inside you.

Yeah I agree. My other half is on the pill and we don't use condoms. Nearly 6 years later and no accidents. The pill is probably the single best form of contraception, although of course using condoms does reduce the risk even further but we've done ok without them.*

*I've gone and cursed it now haven't I?!

LegacyUser

em, i dont want to seem odd and old here, but is it normal to have a HIV test at college these days?? i would have thought if someone went for a HIV test, then they have either been with a prostitute with no condom, or alot of very loose women without a condom. Either way i would run a mile, my personal opinion. 90% of men if not greater hate using condoms and will do and say anything to get out of using one. Saying that he also could be allergic to latex, but that would be noticable. And it is very unwise to not be using a condom at 6 weeks going out, as i'm sure you know yourself the many many dangers of not using one, especially with a man who has went for a HIV test previously. I dont want to scare you at all, but i would really think the next time, if it means abstaining, and also remember he is a man, so if he goes without it long enuff then he will not have a problem putting on a condom at some stage!! You really got to think about it at this early stage, a few months down the road, having sex without a condom and you on the pill should'nt be an issue, don't be using the drink as an aul excuse as it'll come back to haunt you if you're not careful.

dr.bollocko

Get a packet of those condoms that go on super quickly. U know the ones. Snap, pull down, send the fella in sort of trick.
I reckon it's the build up to putting it on, fiddling in the dark with the wrapper, and then the issue that he has to focus on staying hard because it has already happened before and is now a bit of an issue that introduces mr. floppy. Is it possible that you are using too small condoms that restrict the blood flow? Like those bloody awful Durex avanti things? Is this gentlemen particularly well endowed? (You dont actually have to answer that publically, just if he is, think of tryin a different brand.)
Also, I am just saying, flavoured condoms? Let him go soft, then make him get hard again!

biko

Go get an STD check anyway. Regardless of whether you're using condoms or not it's good to know you don't have anything you can pass on to your partner.
It's free and quite quick. See sticky in this forum for clinics.
Also you should discuss with you partner what would happen should there be an unplanned pregnancy.

flyingdagger

It still amazes me in this day and age that people are willing to have unprotected sex with a partner without having a full STI test first.OP you should ensure both of you are tested if continuing to not use condoms

SingingCherry

Grando wrote: »

em, i dont want to seem odd and old here, but is it normal to have a HIV test at college these days?? i would have thought if someone went for a HIV test, then they have either been with a prostitute with no condom, or alot of very loose women without a condom.

It was widely encouraged at my college to get an HIV test and I know myself and all my friends went in for one, even though none of us are prostitutes nor did we think anyone we had slept with in the past would have been infected, but you never know. It was free, so why the hell not? Best to know that you are in good health. So, while I don't know if it's "normal" I do know it's encouraged and free.

OP -- stop having unprotected sex with him. I know it's hard to stop when you're in the moment but this is stupid behavior. Think of how much you will regret all of that "heat of the moment" sex when you do end up with a positive STI test.

Mighty_Mouse

do couples these days all get STD checks these days before moving on to just using the pill?

How else can ya be safe?

em, i dont want to seem odd and old here, but is it normal to have a HIV test at college these days?? i would have thought if someone went for a HIV test, then they have either been with a prostitute with no condom, or alot of very loose women without a condom. Either way i would run a mile, my personal opinion

What kind of Billy-Go-Backwards type of attitude is this.
Were you actually born in 1950's rural Ireland or something?

Personally, I reckon there's an obligation on any person not in a steady relationship & sexually active to get regularly tested.

nevaeh-2die-4

as peace of mind you should ask him to get tested.

if the results come back negative, once you take your pill at all times, there will be no problems wit him going bare back and coming inside u (sorry about being a bit graphic there:eek:)

chris_oc

get tested yerself tested..

[Jackass]

my gf is on the pill, been together a year and a half and everything is gravey..with "come inside" and all that... **TOUCH WOOD**

Why don't you both go and get an STD test during the week...couple of weeks till results are in, then you're good to go condmom free...probably...

scoot on

My bf is the exact same. When we first started going out I asked him to wear them because I wasn't on the pill. We tried a few times and every time we did he just went completely soft. He hates them. In the end I went on the pill (which I was intending to do anyway) and we haven't attempted to use them in years. So don't worry about it, it's not just your fella.

Talliesin

condomphobia wrote: »

Since the beginning I've asked him to wear one, but on many, many occasions, as soon as we (either he or I, we've tried both) try to put the condom on him, he goes back to mr. floppy.

It's pretty common (purely from anecdotal experience I would say the vast majority of men and a large majority of women) to prefer intercourse without a condom. There's nothing wrong with this preference, though it doesn't necessarily make unprotected sex a good idea.

As well as that, it's extremely common to go at least a bit floppy when it comes to put on a condom. Let's face it, even if one doesn't particularly mind the things, few of us get turned on by the feel of latex (I can think of a few exceptions) or the smell of nonoxinol-9 (no doubt there are exceptions, but I've never heard anyone say it did it for them). This is generally easily dealt if he is otherwise able to get an erection. Let's face it, there are few men who can keep it floppy if it's being licked even if they try. Give it a few licks, and then stick it on.

condomphobia wrote: »

He says it's embarassing for him,

This sounds like someone having an idea of how sex is meant to happen and it not matching reality. Often the problem is the idea, not the reality.

Going floppy for a small amount is not an issue, though you might perhaps edit that out if you were making a film.

condomphobia wrote: »

But it's now happened a couple of times that,

Whoopty-do. Even if you can maintain an erection for hours of intercourse the chances are high that you will lose it briefly when you go to put on a condom. Suck it up and deal with (possibly by sucking it up ).

condomphobia wrote: »

I'm on the pill and he has pulled out before coming, but I know that's not properly effective.

Pulling out isn't even worth thinking about in this regard.

The pill alone is better than condoms alone as contraception, though of course of zero value for preventing infections.

Grando wrote: »

em, i dont want to seem odd and old here,

You failed.

Grando wrote: »

but is it normal to have a HIV test at college these days??

Especially so in college.

Grando wrote: »

i would have thought if someone went for a HIV test, then they have either been with a prostitute with no condom,

So you think that people who practice particularly unsafe sexual practices would have tests, but people who are more careful wouldn't.

How does that make any sense at all? It's like saying that only smokers watch their diet, or only drunk-drivers check their mirrors before signalling.

Grando wrote: »

and also remember he is a man, so if he goes without it long enuff then he will not have a problem putting on a condom at some stage!!

In which case there are no women in the world who are pissed off at their male partners for not wanting to have sex very often. I do not think this argument has a high correlation with reality.

Grando wrote: »

don't be using the drink as an aul excuse as it'll come back to haunt you if you're not careful.

Here you're talking sense. Drink is rarely a good excuse for anything.

Princess Helen

Hi,

I've had similar issues with my current boyfriend in the past but the suggestion about the flavoured condoms is a good one. Let him go soft and then make him hard again. If it is pyschological its associated with something so make it condoms associated with something he likes rather than pressure which I suspect is an issue. Putting on condoms means you have to stop for a second and then you lose your trail of action so to speak and can be offputting I think for some men and for a lot of women.

Perhaps having huge levels of foreplay may also be good to make sure that he can stay hard. I really think you need to have an STI check done - both of you and then the pill is ok to use alone. But try and use condoms if you can as its obviously so much more effective.

I would also say if you both have tests done it shows a major sign of respect for yourself and your partner as it can be a daunting experience for so many people. It will bring you closer together and then sex will be even better with trust as an element

Sam Fehily

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