For Men: Marriage life worry

MollyOLeary

Hi there boards crew,
This is my first post, as I am Molly's cousin Holly. Anyway.. this question is for the men on boards.
As a newly wed, who just got married 2 months ago.. I'm starting to feel terribly confused and anxiously overwhelmed..
I have a good paying job in a lawyers office and have worked there for the last 5 years. But I always imagined that once i got married, I'd quit my job and settle down, have babies and be a stay at home mum who cooks, cleans and irons and does all household duties.
However my husband is convinving me to stay in work, he thinks id be stupid to quit work and a waste of a good brain.
So for the guys out there...
would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...
or wud u prefer ur wife to stay in work??

jon1981

i could not have a wife that wants to be a housewife...im sorry but i dont see why two people should struggle on one income while both are quite capable of working. I understand in the first few years when the baby is born that my wife my have to stay off work but not indefinitely! we aint back in the 60s anymore!
I know i may seem harsh and whatever but I personally thats not the life i want. it sounds like a horrible lifestyle to me , as i said in the early years of childhood is fine but after that..get back to work!

maybe its a female thing but how can anyones goal in life be about becoming a person that cooks cleans irons and look after babies?

avalanche

for me i think the most important thing is to be happy. i have a sister who stays at home and seems pretty depressed and not having kept up with her career. now it is very difficult for her to break the mould. ask yourself what you really want to do and do it. im sure your husband just wants to see you be all that you can wherever and however that can be.

telecaster

There's no right or wrong. My wife has worked, and is now full time at home with the family. If you are fortunate enough to be in a situation where you can get by on one income that's great.

"Would you be happier working outside the home or inside the home?" - it's as simple as that.

If it's not a financial issue I don't think your husband has any business pushing you one way or the other. It's hardly a waste of a brain to run a happy family home.

biko

I'd rather have my partner working that just hanging about the house.
When kids come we'll split the staying at home between us - I want to spend time with the babies too.
Cleaning/all that craic we can do in the weekends.

MCMLXXXIII

At this stage, I would rather have my wife at work. I assume you just bought a place together, and weddings can be expensive (if you are the ones paying) so it would be good to make the money while you can. I hope to marry someone smart, independant, and willing to work.

Once I have kids, I would like to have someone at home doing everything you mentioned. I think it's important for a family to stick together and have someone to take care of them...and it not be paid help.

I would feel wierd telling my wife to limit herself and stay at home. And I would not nearly be ready for children after only two months of marraige. Work now, make money, spend it on travel, nice clothes, and anything else you want - because once you have kids - both of your lives and incomes will mostly be dedicated to the children.

tritium

There's no right or wrong answer to this, but I guess for me when I get there I'd want my partner to stay working and for us both to contribute. Part of me never got this whole 'wife gives up career and raises the kids while husband provides' stuff. Actually I think I'd kind of resent being a wage packet while I missed out on spending time with my kids cause I was trying to pay a two salary mortgage by working all the hours God sent - harsh maybe, and only my own view, but thats my take on it.

dudara

Why are you asking other people's opinions? You need to decide what you want to do for yourself.

Some women are truly fulfilled by staying at home, raising their children and making a home. Others don't want to have children. And in the middle you have women who want a career and family.

The main thing is to know what you want, and to be with someone who is on the same wavelength as you.

How Strange

As others have said, it really depends on what you want to do not what others think.

I personally couldn't think of anything worse than being a 'housewife'. I've worked hard to get where I am and I wouldn't want to give it up. Having said all that if I had two or more children then I think I would have to consider my options as working fulltime and being a mother would be very stressful and the cost of creche fees would probably cancel out most of your salary so there would be little financial benefit.

There's no right or wrong answer. It depends on you and the situation you find yourself in.

paulksnn

Holly,
Did you ever voice these ideas of marriage to your husband?
Had you ever talked about the idea of kids, as in when, how many, if at all?
Maybe your husband doesn't want kids or doesn't think kids are an issue at the moment?
At which time, he may just want to be maintaining the status quo, or maybe doesn't want to pressurise you into the traditional role of motherhood.

Did ye discuss any of these issues during/after the pre-marriage course?
A nice sit-down and a cup of tea and a "where are we going with our life" conversation looks to be on the cards.

As all the others have said, it doesn't matter what another couple would do, it's horses for courses.

WhiteWashMan

MollyOLeary wrote: »

As a newly wed, who just got married 2 months ago.. I'm starting to feel terribly confused and anxiously overwhelmed..?

course you are. regardless if how much people think that getting married wont change anything, it does.
you start thinking about now that your married, are you supposed to be different, are you supposed to do things differently, are you supposed to feel different.
but dont worry, you'll sort them out.

MollyOLeary wrote: »

I have a good paying job in a lawyers office and have worked there for the last 5 years. But I always imagined that once i got married, I'd quit my job and settle down, have babies and be a stay at home mum who cooks, cleans and irons and does all household duties.

was this your thoughts, or did you actually have a discussion with your husband that this would be a plan?

MollyOLeary wrote: »

However my husband is convinving me to stay in work, he thinks id be stupid to quit work and a waste of a good brain.
So for the guys out there...
would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...
or wud u prefer ur wife to stay in work??

i think it really depends on the situation.
if youre not pregnant, and dont plan on being pregnant for the foreseeable future, i think it would be a bit silly to quit your job.
any reason to quit your job right now? i mean, you can only stay at home and mind the kids if you have them

in my situation, we have no kids, and dont plan on any right now, so it makes sense for us both to work. ive spent time not working through choice, and you get pretty bored after a while. you will probably also end up getting a resentful husband who only sees you being at home, halving the income you had, and if you dont clean the house or bother making dinner, will end up wondering what it is you actually do all day while hes out bring home the bacon.

but like i said, it really depends on your circumstances.
its pretty obvious that your husband doesnt want you to give up work right now. you havent stated what you actually want.

do you know what you want?

Ishindar

i work, the wife is a homemaker and we have a very close family life. i think people underestimate the comfort and joy of having a focused life.

different strokes for different folks. the career thing is a joke imho a natsy ploy of capatalism, one of lifes many pitfalls to distract from more worthy things in life. I have one of them and its worthless to me. colleges in work dont measure up well to the company of those i love.
when i come home from a hards days work its nice to be greeted, pampered and hugged by my family

Bottle_of_Smoke

whatever makes you happy. if you're paying a mortgage or daving I reckon you should work until you're pregnant anyway

Carrigart Exile

Is this about your imagined role as a wife or because you hate your job?

Mena

Important thing here is that YOU are happy. If staying at home does it for you, so be it, if not, stay working.

My wife took 5 years off after the birth of our daughter, but is back in work now and happier than ever.

LegacyUser

I don't think there's an easy answer for this - everybody's situation is different. I'm getting married in 3 months and we've obviously discussed our future together. We'll start our family in 3 or 4 years and until then my missus will continue to work fulltime. As has already been posted, to struggle along on one income when both people in the relationship are capable of working seems absolutely ridiculous.
Things will change when we have kids though - the missus will give up fulltime work and possible work freelance for a couple of days, but this is only because this situation is best for US and not because society dictates that that's how it should be. My best mate on the other hand quit his job when his missus had their first child and he now stays at home as a househusband. Again, that's what suits THEIR situation.

Beruthiel

MollyOLeary wrote: »

But I always imagined that once i got married, I'd quit my job and settle down, have babies and be a stay at home mum who cooks, cleans and irons and does all household duties.

Please tell me you discussed this in detail with your husband before you got married?

However my husband is convinving me to stay in work, he thinks id be stupid to quit work and a waste of a good brain.

He's dead right. Why would you?
When and if you have children, that's when you discuss quitting.

So for the guys out there...
would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...
or wud u prefer ur wife to stay in work??

What difference does the opinion of others matter with regards to this? Everyone has their own idea about what suits them. It makes not a jot of difference what anyone else thinks. It all comes down to what the both of you think.

Mighty_Mouse

would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...

Whatever she wanted to do herself I suppose.
'Tis her life isn't it?

jdivision

Until you have kids I fail to see why you'd want to hang around at home all day cleaning etc. You'd crack up. I'd advise you to take two weeks off and spend them at home cooking, cleaning etc. I'd say you'll be sick of it within a week.

As soon as the youngest in my family was 16 I convinced my mother to go back to work. Her brain was getting addled and she's a smart woman. Ended up manager of the shop she was working in within a year and regularly shows me up now.

Gurgle

MollyOLeary wrote: »

would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...
or wud u prefer ur wife to stay in work??

Whichever p1sses her off the least.

& what Beruthiel said, obviously.

marti101

You could always work parttime that way your home with the kids but you also have your own time.Iwas like that stayed at home for first couple of years then went back to work im pregnant now and the idea of being at home fills me with dread,i will be going back to work but only partime so think it through and talk to your husband and see if their can be a bit of give and take

deisemum

Until you have a baby you don't know how you'll feel because reality is often so different from how you imagine it will be.

I've seen so many women who planned on going back to work after maternity leave but then once they had their baby some of these women couldn't imagine leaving their baby.

I've also seen the opposite where women have been looking forward to staying at home once baby arrives yet they're then shocked that the reality is completely different from how they'd imagine it would be and cant wait to get back to work.

I'm a childminder and I've had so many parents tell me that they couldn't stick it at home and that they go to work for a rest. I think a lot of people underestimate the amount of work, usually menial and sometimes soul destroying work that goes with staying at home and how repetitive it is.

All of the parents that started with me minding their first child on a full time basis ended up working part-time once the second baby arrived. The mums all ended up working part-time.

I think it's better to be open minded and what you decide now doesn't have to be set in stone. Most mothers (usually mums from my experience) change their working hours as their family needs change.

Lux23

I don't see any reason why you need to stay at home because you have just got married. When you have a baby I would understand but don't you want some independence from your husband until then?

deisemum

Another thing to bear in mind is that it can be a good thing to have financial independence. So many marriages don't work out and it would be very difficult as a stay at home parent to find yourself without an income and then having to try and get back into the workforce.

r3nu4l

MollyOLeary wrote: »

Hi there boards crew,
This is my first post, as I am Molly's cousin Holly. Anyway.. this question is for the men on boards.
As a newly wed, who just got married 2 months ago.. I'm starting to feel terribly confused and anxiously overwhelmed..
I have a good paying job in a lawyers office and have worked there for the last 5 years. But I always imagined that once i got married, I'd quit my job and settle down, have babies and be a stay at home mum who cooks, cleans and irons and does all household duties.
However my husband is convinving me to stay in work, he thinks id be stupid to quit work and a waste of a good brain.
So for the guys out there...
would you rather your wife quit her job and stay at home all day and mind the kids and keep the house clean etc. (be a housewife)...
or wud u prefer ur wife to stay in work??

Well if I earned the sort of money that meant my wife could stay at home and raise our kids if she wanted to then I'd be very happy for her to do that. However, you really need to look at all the figures before making such a decision. Will you have to sacrifice nice holidays, clothes or cars by cutting your household income?

Is that why your husband doesn't want you to give up work? Didn't you discuss any of this before getting married?

seamus

r3nu4l wrote: »

Well if I earned the sort of money that meant my wife could stay at home and raise our kids if she wanted to then I'd be very happy for her to do that. However, you really need to look at all the figures before making such a decision. Will you have to sacrifice nice holidays, clothes or cars by cutting your household income?

Is that why your husband doesn't want you to give up work? Didn't you discuss any of this before getting married?

+1

If I earned enough that my fiance could quit full-time working and focus on her hobbies and/or the house, then I'd be happy for her to do that, if that's what made her happy.

I'm sure she feels the exact same except that she'd prefer not to leave the house in my hands . But if she earned enough to let me go off and do what I wanted to do, she'd be content with that. But I enjoy the work I do, so I'd probably keep working.