Advice for a secret admirer

picklocks

OK, I need some help.

There's this guy on campus that I see every now and then, and I've spoken to him a couple of times. (I doubt he even knows my name.) I'd really like to get to know him better, but there are a few problems. First, I'm not out yet, cause I've decided that I'll only come out once I've a bf. Second, I'm too shy to approach him, and what excuse can I use anyway? Three, I don't even know if he's gay. Perhaps the only clue (not a very good one) is that he almost hangs out exclusively with girls.

So Valentine's day is coming. I'm thinking I should just drop him a Secret Admirer's card in his mailbox, but is it too stalkerish, given that he probably doesn't even know who I am.

I'm really frustrated and conflicted now. What should I do?

swiss

That he hangs around with girls means nothing. You could ask him straight out (excuse the pun) whether he is gay or not. Or you can ask one of his friends. If that doesn't sound like something you can do you can try engaging him in conversation again and seeing if he mentions whether he has a girlfriend or makes any comment regarding guys or girls that might act as a giveaway.

Alternatively, get him pissed.

cotwold

swiss wrote: »

Alternatively, get him pissed.

I second that.

oneweb

What kinda stuff d'you two talk about?

picklocks wrote: »

First, I'm not out yet, cause I've decided that I'll only come out once I've a bf.

Without a doubt, one of the biggest regrets I have during my college time was not coming out to my mates. I came out to them about a year later by which time we'd missed out on the shared talent spotting! You don't need 'proof' to tell people you're gay, I wish I'd realised that at the time.

picklocks wrote: »

I don't even know if he's gay. Perhaps the only clue (not a very good one) is that he almost hangs out exclusively with girls.

Erm, it's also quite possible that that means he IS gay! I've been there.

picklocks wrote: »

So Valentine's day is coming. I'm thinking I should just drop him a Secret Admirer's card in his mailbox, but is it too stalkerish

But isn't that the ENTIRE point of Valentine's Day?? Do it!

picklocks wrote: »

I'm really frustrated and conflicted now. What should I do?

Ask him out for a drink

Rev Hellfire

picklocks wrote: »

I don't even know if he's gay. Perhaps the only clue (not a very good one) is that he almost hangs out exclusively with girls.

Well if you don't know if they're gay perhaps the most logical first step would be to discreetly find out :rolleyes:

As for him hanging out with women that means absolutely nothing, he may just like a particular member of that group or just enjoy their company.

Certainly any idea of getting him pissed and trying it on is a recipe for disaster, lets face it most drunk males do not handle surprises pulled on them all that well.

fozzle

Picklocks, if you can screw up the courage, I'd approach him and ask if he wants to go for a drink. It's one of the great things about college - if it all goes pear-shaped you never have to see him again!

I know I'll always regret that I wasn't braver when it came to asking people out in college, especially girls, if I was back there again I'd hope I'd be more willing to take the bull by the horns.

So go for it! And best of luck!

AARRRGH

I have lots of female friends, but I'm not gay.

I think the best route for you to take would be to get to know one of his female friends. You can then ask her if she thinks he might be gay.

I don't really like the secret admirer card route...

unreggd

Make a ninja-Bebo*

Send a card, with the address to said Ninja-bebo at the bottom


*Ninja-bebo = seperate Bebo page for talkin to people u dont want to know who you are

jady88

Why is everyone here saying that hanging around with girls means nothing! Would ye all for god (gays) sake get real. Hanging out with girls is a sign of gayness of course there are load of exceptions, loads of them but it is a sign.

oneweb

dublindude wrote: »

I have lots of female friends, but I'm not gay.

I think the best route for you to take would be to get to know one of his female friends. You can then ask her if she thinks he might be gay.

I don't really like the secret admirer card route...

There's a difference between HAVING and HANGING AROUND mainly with lotsa girls What single girl in her right mind would want to hook up with a guy who's always with a bunch of girls? :-p

unreggd

oneweb wrote: »

What single girl in her right mind would want to hook up with a guy who's always with a bunch of girls?

This is tooo true!

My recent year of nights out have been with work, a group of 10 of us, 6 girls, 4 guys, incl me

Its pretty impossible to score cos I think other girls think you're (1) With one of the girls, or (2) Gay!

cotwold

picklocks wrote: »

OK, I need some help.

There's this guy on campus that I see every now and then, and I've spoken to him a couple of times. (I doubt he even knows my name.) I'd really like to get to know him better, but there are a few problems. First, I'm not out yet, cause I've decided that I'll only come out once I've a bf. Second, I'm too shy to approach him, and what excuse can I use anyway? Three, I don't even know if he's gay. Perhaps the only clue (not a very good one) is that he almost hangs out exclusively with girls.

So Valentine's day is coming. I'm thinking I should just drop him a Secret Admirer's card in his mailbox, but is it too stalkerish, given that he probably doesn't even know who I am.

I'm really frustrated and conflicted now. What should I do?

So how did it go in the end? What did you end up doing?

Bottle_of_Smoke

picklocks wrote: »

OK, I need some help.

There's this guy on campus that I see every now and then, and I've spoken to him a couple of times. (I doubt he even knows my name.) I'd really like to get to know him better, but there are a few problems. First, I'm not out yet, cause I've decided that I'll only come out once I've a bf. Second, I'm too shy to approach him, and what excuse can I use anyway? Three, I don't even know if he's gay. Perhaps the only clue (not a very good one) is that he almost hangs out exclusively with girls.

So Valentine's day is coming. I'm thinking I should just drop him a Secret Admirer's card in his mailbox, but is it too stalkerish, given that he probably doesn't even know who I am.

I'm really frustrated and conflicted now. What should I do?

Good God, I hung out mainly with girls & people thought I was gay. Can someone send a memo around or something?

Anyway I'd imagine the girls he hangs out with know either way. Find out off them. If I got a card & it turned out to be a guy I'd be somewhat miffed. And very disappointed!

jady88

Giving a card would be more than a little spasticated....

fozzle

Jady? If you've nothing constructive to add how about you stay out of this forum? You obviously have a pretty narrow mindset, that's not really very helpful.

Rick_

Picklocks, how did this go?

jady88

fozzle wrote: »

Jady? If you've nothing constructive to add how about you stay out of this forum? You obviously have a pretty narrow mindset, that's not really very helpful.

Em that was constructive... I don't think giving a card is a good idea... putting it mildly. A card is just a little stalker-ish in my opinion and i can see that the admirer here is not a stalker so I was trying to offer my advice.

Also how do i have a narrow mindset? Cause i don't like the card idea?

fozzle

jady88 wrote: »

Em that was constructive... I don't think giving a card is a good idea... putting it mildly. A card is just a little stalker-ish in my opinion and i can see that the admirer here is not a stalker so I was trying to offer my advice.

Also how do i have a narrow mindset? Cause i don't like the card idea?

When you phrase your opinion properly like that it's fine, to say

Giving a card would be more than a little spasticated....

is hardly constructive now, is it? As for the narrow mindset thing, that may have been a bit of an over reaction, for which I apologise. it was directed towards the hanging out with girls is a sign your gay notion. It's been a long week and I guess I wasn't being very forgiving, sorry.

jady88

fozzle wrote: »

When you phrase your opinion properly like that it's fine, to say is hardly constructive now, is it? As for the narrow mindset thing, that may have been a bit of an over reaction, for which I apologise. it was directed towards the hanging out with girls is a sign your gay notion. It's been a long week and I guess I wasn't being very forgiving, sorry.

Coolness, i do tend to speak in rather blunt terms on-line which can come across wrong to those who don't know me but i swear i'm actually quite sweet and lovable (butter not melting).:)

However i still maintain that hanging out with girls alot is a sign however weak of gayness. Do you disagree?

azezil

I'd love to get a card from a secrete admirer, wouldn't care who they are, I'd just be so chuffed to have one

jady88

azezil wrote: »

I'd love to get a card from a secrete admirer, wouldn't care who they are, I'd just be so chuffed to have one

then maybe i am being harsh but i just think trying to find out from his friends would be a infinitely better decision.

cotwold

azezil wrote: »

I'd love to get a card from a secrete admirer, wouldn't care who they are, I'd just be so chuffed to have one

Yeah so would I, its a really nice gesture.

Rev Hellfire

jady88 wrote: »

However i still maintain that hanging out with girls alot is a sign however weak of gayness. Do you disagree?

I better explain it to my wife that I've been hanging out with her to much and I've caught gay from it. Once she reads your explanation for it I'm sure she'll understand.

azezil

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I better explain it to my wife that I've been hanging out with her to much and I've caught gay from it. Once she reads your explanation for it I'm sure she'll understand.

Ah here, that's entirely different

jady88

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I better explain it to my wife that I've been hanging out with her to much and I've caught gay from it. Once she reads your explanation for it I'm sure she'll understand.

I heart you! You seem like a really witty intelligent person me thinks thats what keeps the wife into you despite your gayness! LoL

Since you insist on being painfully simple (but i guess its probably tougher on you than it is on me) i'll have to explain in a terribly obvious way what i meant by claiming it was a sign.

I never suggested one could develop gayness(:D) from hanging out with girls, however from my experience of the world males with mostly female FRIENDS or who predominantly hang out with women are more often than turn out to be gay men . Think back to school or college...?

Rev Hellfire

jady88 wrote: »

however from my experience of the world males with mostly female FRIENDS or who predominantly hang out with women are more often than turn out to be gay men . Think back to school or college...?

Well that's settled it, with conclusive proof like that the matter is surely settled.

jady88

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Well that's settled it, with conclusive proof like that the matter is surely settled.

Conclusive proof of what? My personal experiences? You really don't seem to be able to follow a simple discussion...

Everyone here knows what i am saying is true... I'm not trying to prove anything.

Boston

jady88 wrote: »

Everyone here knows what i am saying is true...

You're wrong on both counts.

Stark

What Boston said.

jady88

Boston do you actually think that straight men at least in school or college, which is the forum we are discussing here, befriend and hang out with girls to the same extent as gay men..?

Honestly?

fozzle

Well in my experience, I've not seen any sign of it. But maybe my groups of friends are too mixed. But I've known straight guys who hang out with lots of girls, and gay guys with few or no female friends.

Stark

Aye, same here.

Boston

jady88 wrote: »

Boston do you actually think that straight men at least in school or college, which is the forum we are discussing here, befriend and hang out with girls to the same extent as gay men..?

Honestly?

The stereotype of the gay man with nearly exclusive female friends is one which is seldom realised today. In modern Ireland it not difficult to find groupings of both genders who will accept you. That said, most of my close friends are heterosexual males.

markw999

Boston wrote: »

That said, most of my close friends are heterosexual males.

Me too. Most of my friends are (straight and gay) men.

jady88

MEEE tOOOOO!

Look i am not saying this to be offensive or to reinforce a stereotype, i know that there are loads and loads of exceptions to this rule but in schools and colleges gay men tend to get on better with women then straight men do and men with mostly women friends are more often than not gay, not exclusively obviously. I think in fact that this is something that is true throughout life.

Agains i know there are many exceptions including myself but i still maintain from my personal experience that this is true. And i have plenty of gays around me who agree.

Stark

Like you know you're talking out your ass but like you're occasionally right so you're just going to keep digging with that.

jady88

Stark wrote: »

Like you know you're talking out your ass but like you're occasionally right so you're just going to keep digging with that.

Are you serious!!! I'm not digging i've not added a new point to my original one.
I can see that you are offended by my comment and to be frank i don't get why...

Do you believe that gay men get on better and tend to be friends more with women more than straight men especially in college and school... that is all i am saying! I actually cannot comprehend that no one is willing to accept that i mean its not offensive why is everyone making such an issue of it.

Obviously i know loads of gays have mostly straight male friends for my whole life my best friends were straight men until i met my boyfriend but i can still admit that many gay people do tend to hang around with girls alot more than straight lads. Maybe in Laois we have very odd gays but i doubt it.

Rev Hellfire

What you seem incapable of absorbing is that pretty much every other poster here both straight and gay doesn’t see or has observed the rather dubious association you’re trying to establish.

jady88

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

What you seem incapable of absorbing is that pretty much every other poster here both straight and gay doesn’t see or has observed the rather dubious association you’re trying to establish.

yes i simply can't accept that because it is just not true. As i said i must be living in another gay world. If everyone here was less defensive and more honest I'm sure they would acknowledge that my point is true.

Goodshape

jady88 wrote: »

yes i simply can't accept that because it is just not true. As i said i must be living in another gay world. If everyone here was less defensive and more honest I'm sure they would acknowledge that my point is true.

They're an argumentative bunch on this forum alright

Out of all the gay people I know (myself included) I can think of one guy who hangs around with mostly woman. Happy now?

Stark

jady88 wrote:

Do you believe that gay men get on better and tend to be friends more with women more than straight men especially in college and school... that is all i am saying! I actually cannot comprehend that no one is willing to accept that i mean its not offensive why is everyone making such an issue of it.

What's offensive is you generalising your personal experiences to be everyone's experiences and accusing everyone who claims a different experience of being a liar.

jady88 wrote:

If everyone here was less defensive and more honest I'm sure they would acknowledge that my point is true.

I don't for one second think any of the posters here are lying. What may be true of your social network is just simply not automatically true of every social network.

jady88

What!? I'm not accusing anyone of being a liar! I've not made any generalisation, i didn't say all gay men are friends with girls and girls only or that all guys with mostly or exclusively female friends are gay, that would have been a generalisation.

Stark you clearly have taken offence to my comments and i am sorry but i will not change my stance because then i would be lying! I was asking for people to relax a bit, to not react to me as if i was some kind of old fashioned homophobic stereotyping ignorant person and clearly that is what you think of me.

Rev Hellfire

No one's over reacting.
You asked a question, we answered, you disagreed with the answer and implied that somehow we're all wrong or lying and that only your opinion is valid.

jady88

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

No one's over reacting.
You asked a question, we answered, you disagreed with the answer and implied that somehow we're all wrong or lying and that only your opinion is valid.

No, i never ever implied that only my own opinion was valid, I did not imply that you were lying.

Yes i do believe you are wrong, I'm sorry but I do because of my experience and the experience of those i talk with both gay and straight is the same.

And by the way you and stark are the ones who reacted with sarcasm and a completely dismissive tone with regards to my opinion so i really don't get why you think you have the right to speak down to me as if i was being unreasonable.

Rev Hellfire

Ohh I don't know where do I get my crazy ideas?

jady88 wrote: »

Everyone here knows what i am saying is true... I'm not trying to prove anything.

Aka I'm right you're wrong

jady88 wrote: »

Boston do you actually think that straight men at least in school or college, which is the forum we are discussing here, befriend and hang out with girls to the same extent as gay men..?

Honestly?

God Boston you're such a liar.

I'm certainly willing to accept that within the small social group you inhabit that the majority of men who hang out with women are gay, but I would respectfully say that it is not obviously applicable to wider society as shown by the responses from the other posters who's 'evidence' is equally applicable to the topic.

jady88

Alright the first sentence was extreme, but only because i genuinely cannot believe that i live in some colony for backward gays.

However there is nothing that implies that i was calling boston a liar, i was simply asking him did her really think that because it goes so much against my view of the situation.

Also you haven't answered my question, why is alright for you to accuse me of things, treat my opinions with nothing short of disdain etc. and then complain that i did the same?

Rev Hellfire

jady88 wrote: »

However there is nothing that implies that i was calling boston a liar, i was simply asking him did her really think that because it goes so much against my view of the situation.

If you believed him you'd take his answer at face value. Adding "honestly?" implies dishonesty.

jady88 wrote: »

Also you haven't answered my question, why is alright for you to accuse me of things, treat my opinions with nothing short of disdain etc. and then complain that i did the same?

I don't recall treating you with 'disdain', all I've suggested is that perhaps there is the smallest of tinny tiny chances that your observations are wrong when confronted with the overwhelming responses here.

cutthroatangel

jady88 wrote: »

Why is everyone here saying that hanging around with girls means nothing! Would ye all for god (gays) sake get real. Hanging out with girls is a sign of gayness of course there are load of exceptions, loads of them but it is a sign.

Hey, it seems to me that everyone here is being a bit harsh towards jady88 and are missing the point that he's trying to make. He never said that the point he was making was to be taken as scientifically proven, he just implied that it is a sign that if a guy hangs out with a load of girls it sometimes points to being gay. I understand where he's coming from with this point because i made the same observations in school, generally the lads who hung out with girls and were not going out with any of them, they at some stage came out before we finished school. i'm not saying that all men who are friends with a lot of girls are gay I am just saying that it suggests they might be and sometimes this is the case. I believe this is the point that jady88 was trying to make before you all, especially rev hellfire, decided to imply that he was saying you were all wrong and that he was right.

jamesthekid

hello all. was watching this discussion from afar and becoming more and more irate. i think it is most certainly true that the gays of this world are far more likely to hang around with women moreso than men. its not even as if yer man was sayin they are born with an innate predisposition towards female company.. obviosly, it would be less likely for gays to hang out with yer average teenage straight guy, especially amonst the working class , who is probably homophobic to some extent ,than a a girl . no need to call the pc police. just cos you guys are a minority doesnt mean ye have to be so defensive. have ye ever seen the "race war" episope of southpark where stans dad is labelled the "****** guy". thats what this discussion reminds me of.

jamesthekid

oh the neo social consevatives are at it again censoring me. jesus h christ what year is this.

Stark

jady88 banned for signing up multiple accounts.