Lack of Self-Esteem

LegacyUser

Remaining un-regd for this. I'm nearing 20 yrs of age, male, I have a good circle of friends who I got out with regularly, I have a good job and have plans to travel in the future. I know I'm no the best looking guy in the world but I've had limited success in the past with members of the opposite sex. However my self-confidence and how I view myself couldn't be any lower. I always over-analize everything that is said to me. Things have been said to me in the past that have been very hurtfull and I still dwell on them. My mates have always been very supportive but they have no problem with how they see themselves.

Basically it boils down to the fact that when I go out to the pub or go to a club I don't think I'm able to just strike up a conversation with a girl I might like the look of. In my job it is mainly women I work with and I get on fine with them, they are of differing ages but I get on well with all of them. I can never seem to break the ice so to speak. It was a mates bday recently and we hit a club in dublin city centre. I liked the look of one girl in particular and I was itching to just have the courage to say something and one of my mates was doing his best to encourage me but I just didn't have the guts to.

I've dealt with rejection in the past and I don't believe that is my problem. It is the hurtfull words that I keep thinking I will hear again. I fear that if I try chatting to someone they will just look down on me and make me feel even worse.

Any words of advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

St Bill

Hi OP, it takes a lot of courage to go up to a random girl and face possible rejection. What makes it even harder is when the girl has issues and takes it out on you because she wants to make herself feel better.
Instead of seeing niteclubs/pubs as a place to meet a girl, see them as places to enjoy yourself and meet your friends. If you happen to see a girl you like, say hello and ask her if she's having a good night and take it from there. Don't bother with rehearsed one-liners. If the girl is rude to you, just say 'I'm sorry, I didn't realise you wanted to be on your own' and walk away. If you're getting on ok, try this....tell her that you're in a round with your mates and it's your turn to get the drinks in, ask her can you get her something? She might like the fact that you're thinking of your mates, and that you haven't forgotten about them simply because you're chatting up a girl.
There are nice girls out there, and there are some downright nasty ones. Don't beat yourself up when you've had a nasty rejection, it's not your fault if the person you're chatting to can't respond to a decent conversation. Good luck, you sound like you have some good mates so you've got a great headstart.

MattKid

two very quick pieces of advice that were given to me that helped. I also over think and that just quickly leads to being almost paralysed.

1. 3 second rule. See a girl you like the look of, you've got 3 seconds to go over and start talking.

Most of the time she'll notice you walking over and by the time you've got to her she'll have made her mind up about you, if she likes you, then unless you say something really stupid she'll give you a chance.

2. She's already not fcuking you.

Really you have nothing to lose, forget about your ego. If she blows you out nothing has changed in your life, infact it's got better, there is one more girl you don't have to waste any time and energy on, leaving more time for the others.
If they say something hurtful, it says much more about them than you. Let's face it you can't take it personally, they have 'known' you for at most 3 mins.

JMCD

I think the the advice been given is good but its aimed directly at how to meet girls. As the op said himself he has a problem with self esteem so even if he was to pick a girl up........that would probably mask the fact that he has low self esteem for a while but when the girl is gone he still has the problem of lack self esteem.

OP I think you should maybe join a gym and start working out. It might sound silly but when you get into it and start to see improvements with your body your confidence will also improve. I would also recommend taking up a martial art.......It also gives you great confidence especially if you lack confidence.
Because you are been taken out of your comfort zone and it might seem difficult first but when you get through a couple of weeks/sessions and start to enjoy yourself you start to wonder what the big deal was in the first place and have a great sense of joy and well being that will improve your confidence.

There are also some books out there Im sure you could read that would be helpful to you.Im not sure which ones would be best as I never had to deal with any such thing but im sure some other helpful boardster will guide you in the right direction.

Best of luck in anyway and keep us posted with how you get on........:)

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Been thinking about joining the gym for a while now. Might move that plan forward.

Thanks again.

Mrs OBumble

Self-esteem comes from achievement. Forget about women, focus on doing activities/hobbies/whatever where you set yourself achievable goals and then work hard so you actually achieve them. If self-esteem is really the problem, then gaining it in this way will stand you in good stead.

And if it's not, then you'll have a bunch of hobbies to keep yourself entertained with.

JMCD

JMCD wrote: »

I think the the advice been given is good but its aimed directly at how to meet girls. As the op said himself he has a problem with self esteem so even if he was to pick a girl up........that would probably mask the fact that he has low self esteem for a while but when the girl is gone he still has the problem of lack self esteem.

Agreed. I know from experience. I feel better when there's a girl around but as soon as she's gone I'm back to square one. It's only a temporary solution.

JuliusCaesar

JMCD wrote: »

There are also some books out there Im sure you could read that would be helpful to you.Im not sure which ones would be best as I never had to deal with any such thing but im sure some other helpful boardster will guide you in the right direction.

That's me!

Melanie Fennell, Overcoming Low Self Esteem, Robinsons publishers
Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning, Self-Esteem,

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html