Told my girlfriend I like dressing as a girl sometimes...

LegacyUser

I guess I'm a transvestite. I've been dressing since a young age and have often gone out dressed... I showed my gf photos of me dressed up not long after we were going out, but it was a fancy dress night so that was my excuse. She found the photos pretty unsettling in some ways, mainly because I do actually have the ability and skills to transform myself into a quite attractive and convincing female... I won the best legs competition that night as well.

Anyway, recently I've felt that I should be straight about it with my gf. So I decided maybe little by little I'll reveal my love of dressing like a girl. So casually I threw into the conversation; "I remember once I went to liffey valley dressed as a girl, just for the craic like, and it was good fun". I kinda put it casually, and said "Sure it was a bit of fun, and I even got some nice comments". I made it clear that I am in no ways transgendered - I don't want to change my sex.

She got a bit freaked out I think, and then reacted by calling me a tranny, "Jaysus, don't tell me I have a tranny for a boyfriend!", or "You're a big tranny", kinda jokingly.. but then I started to feel a little uncomfortable with how she was dealing with it. Kind of laughing it off, and slagging me. I guess this is her way of dealing with it. I half-jokingly said "we could have some nice shopping trips together" but she does NOT want any part of my fem life!

I now have a feeling that she's much prefer that I had no fem life. She was pretty unsettled when she saw me dressed before and couldn't believe her eyes how feminine I looked. I was wearing a little denim miniskirt, boots, skimpy tight tshirt, and modern styled wig with blone highlights/lowlights. It was a very modern trendy style and I would have easily blended in at any niteclub if I was a little shorter... she said it was almost like I was another person. Which is kinda true, cos I look at my dressing as transforming myself into a totally different persona.

So girls, how should I proceed? I have many transvestite friends, and they all claim that while a partner may initially claim to be supportive, over time they actually build up resentment towards their man being a girl. Many of them eventually want to get out of the relationship as a result, and in most relationships it does cause problems. Women like their men to be manly men, 24/7, no exceptions. Well, my gf has put across the message many times that she loves me being a manly man, and that's what she wants. But sometimes I want to be a girl... and that makes her feel quite freaked out!

Beruthiel

I think you already know the answer.
She's not interested.
Perhaps you shoud be looking for a g/f that can handle that side of you. It's clear your present g/f can't.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Tough one.
I mean from her point of view

"is he gay?"
"will he someday want a sex-change?"
"what if my friends/family found out?"
"what if our potential kids found out?"

Lot of risks there. I think you'll find few girls who'd be comfortable with this & they'd be the ones who's be turned on by it.

Keep it a secret or be honest from the start.

Ste.phen

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Keep it a secret or be honest from the start.

This is unlikely to work out for the best, I feel.

tbh

To be honest, it'd be like a gay man getting married, figuring that he can just ignore the whole sexual side of his life. You know yourself, if this is a part of your life, you have to find someone who's accepting of it. I know you may live in a small town or whatever, but it really comes down to one choice: Hide it or be open about it. She has every right to reject you over this as for anything else, and you also have the right to reject her if she doesn't understand.

flogen

I think your biggest mistake was introducing the topic as a joke - as a result your gf was never going to treat the subject seriously or with any kind of sensitivity... going by what you said to her she probably doesn't even realise this is a big deal for you.

If you want this issue to be treated seriously by others, you have to treat it seriously too.

What you need to do is sit down with her and discuss the issue with the level of gravitas you want in return. It doesn't have to be morose and drab, that's up to you, but you can't throw it out there as a joke and hope she retorts with maturity.

What you need to do is explain this to her in very clear, calm terms where you put it all on the table.

Tell her exactly what you like doing, why you like doing it, what extent you like to take it and where you draw the line. Assure her that it has no effect on your relationship as far as you're concerned and that it's not an issue of sexuality or you being bi (and if it is, tell her it is).

Tell her what you'd like in terms of expressing this side of you within the relationship, what you'd like her role to be in this, in what situations you would like to have the freedom to dress as a woman and if you think introducing it to others is OK etc.

Basically you need to ensure that you have an answer for all the logical questions that come up from this and you need to give her clear boundaries on how this will impact on your relationship - then she can make a fully informed decision.

Good luck with it - just remember you'll get nowhere dancing around the issue. At least if you sit down and talk about it you'll resolve this one way or the other.

LegacyUser

Perhaps you shoud be looking for a g/f that can handle that side of you. It's clear your present g/f can't.

I'm not sure it's as simple as that. You're telling me to just drop the relationship just like that, but I love her too much now to do that. In any case, we carried on like nothing had happened, and even had sex after I'd told her about me going out dressed. So maybe she just either think I'm joking or is burying it (she does this a lot) or perhaps isn't that put off.

flogen wrote: »

I think your biggest mistake was introducing the topic as a joke - as a result your gf was never going to treat the subject seriously or with any kind of sensitivity... going by what you said to her she probably doesn't even realise this is a big deal for you.

You are right. But I only do it two or three times a year at the moment. I'd maybe like to do more, but I'm happy enough limiting it for my relationship and because of my circumstances.

If you want this issue to be treated seriously by others, you have to treat it seriously too.

But I don't really take it that seriously really. It's a bit of fun and I enjoy how it feels to be a girl sometimes. It's not a big deal and I don't do it much... so what's the prob?

What you need to do is sit down with her and discuss the issue with the level of gravitas you want in return. It doesn't have to be morose and drab, that's up to you, but you can't throw it out there as a joke and hope she retorts with maturity.

I don't mind if she never wants to see me dressed, I just want her to allow me the odd saturday night out dressed with "the girls" and maybe some private time to go away for a weekend to London "with the girls". That is all.

Tell her exactly what you like doing, why you like doing it, what extent you like to take it and where you draw the line. Assure her that it has no effect on your relationship as far as you're concerned and that it's not an issue of sexuality or you being bi (and if it is, tell her it is).

She doesn't really want to talk about it. It's a side of me she doesn't want to know about. So I guess I could just ask for some private time for three or four times a year, and leave it at that?

Tell her what you'd like in terms of expressing this side of you within the relationship, what you'd like her role to be in this, in what situations you would like to have the freedom to dress as a woman and if you think introducing it to others is OK etc.

I don't think I even want to express this side of me in my currecnt relationship, as I like to keep it totally separate to my masculine life. It's a totally different person really, and she doesn't need to be in my day to day life.

I did the comprehensive COGIATI test, which determines a persons level of transgenderism, and here are my results:

Your COGIATI result value is: 10 Which means that you fall within the
following category:
COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE
What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And
Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity
to be essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time,
or possibly neither. In some cultures in history, you would be
considered to be a third sex, independent of the polarities of
masculine or feminine. Your gender issues are intrinsic to your
construction, and you will most likely find your happiness playing
with expressing both genders as you feel like it.
SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:
Your situation is a little tricky in our current society, but not
tremendously so, depending on your geographic location.
The suggestions for your circumstance are not overly complicated.
1. If you have any comfortability about your gender expression, some
slight degree of counseling might well prove helpful. The primary goal
would be to make it possible for you to enjoy your gender expressions
free from any shame or embarrassment, and to resolve any remaining
questions you might have.
2. As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes are natural
to your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction might
bring significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go
through a complete transsexual transformation. You might find a
partial transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted
overall to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a
transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender
issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should be
viewed with great caution.
3. If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of
groups devoted to gender play of various varieties. There is literally
a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are
also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your
gender play.

dlofnep

Like it or not, it would be very embarrassing for her to date you. What's more important, a relationship with this girl or dressing like a girl?

Lux23

How about you dress as a girl but in your own time? If it were me and I loved the guy I would accept it but there is no way I would want to see him dressed as a woman.

I would also feel uncomfortable if he was going to parties with TV admirers etc, I would worry about his safety.

Sleepy

The way you describe this is akin to schitzophrenia - a totally different person inside you. I'm not a doctor or in any way suggesting that you are schitzophrenic but I think the analogy is a useful one - would you be happy with your girlfriend being a totally different person at times? What if that 'other person' was someone you didn't like / someone that did things you don't approve of?

This is essentially what you're asking her to accept. It's not going to be an easy sell. Best of luck and if it doesn't work out with your current partner, try being more upfront about this aspect of your personality next time.

microgirl

tgal wrote: »

I guess I'm a transvestite. I've been dressing since a young age and have often gone out dressed... I showed my gf photos of me dressed up not long after we were going out, but it was a fancy dress night so that was my excuse. She found the photos pretty unsettling in some ways, mainly because I do actually have the ability and skills to transform myself into a quite attractive and convincing female... I won the best legs competition that night as well.

Anyway, recently I've felt that I should be straight about it with my gf. So I decided maybe little by little I'll reveal my love of dressing like a girl. So casually I threw into the conversation; "I remember once I went to liffey valley dressed as a girl, just for the craic like, and it was good fun". I kinda put it casually, and said "Sure it was a bit of fun, and I even got some nice comments". I made it clear that I am in no ways transgendered - I don't want to change my sex.

She got a bit freaked out I think, and then reacted by calling me a tranny, "Jaysus, don't tell me I have a tranny for a boyfriend!", or "You're a big tranny", kinda jokingly.. but then I started to feel a little uncomfortable with how she was dealing with it. Kind of laughing it off, and slagging me. I guess this is her way of dealing with it. I half-jokingly said "we could have some nice shopping trips together" but she does NOT want any part of my fem life!

I now have a feeling that she's much prefer that I had no fem life. She was pretty unsettled when she saw me dressed before and couldn't believe her eyes how feminine I looked. I was wearing a little denim miniskirt, boots, skimpy tight tshirt, and modern styled wig with blone highlights/lowlights. It was a very modern trendy style and I would have easily blended in at any niteclub if I was a little shorter... she said it was almost like I was another person. Which is kinda true, cos I look at my dressing as transforming myself into a totally different persona.

So girls, how should I proceed? I have many transvestite friends, and they all claim that while a partner may initially claim to be supportive, over time they actually build up resentment towards their man being a girl. Many of them eventually want to get out of the relationship as a result, and in most relationships it does cause problems. Women like their men to be manly men, 24/7, no exceptions. Well, my gf has put across the message many times that she loves me being a manly man, and that's what she wants. But sometimes I want to be a girl... and that makes her feel quite freaked out!

It depends on so many different things - mainly that each girl is different and each TV is different

I think putting it to her in the making-light-of-it-manner that you did is possibly not the best way to go about it. I think sitting her down to an honest - if incredibly difficult - confession and conversation is better. It may very well be that she can't handle it, and in that case you will either have to deny a part of yourself, or break up with her, and only you can know which is the better choice there.

Oh, and before I go on I should say that I am an experienced girlfriend-of-a-TV I knew before we started going out, and we broke up after 14 months, but his dressing had nothing to do with that, at least as far as I'm consciously aware We're still good mates.

But just being honest and vulnerable can help. Many women though will find it odd, and even difficult - I'm not saying I found it easy myself all the time. I most certainly didn't. But it was what he needed, and ultimately, it was just clothes - but even finding it difficult doesn't necessarily mean that they won't consider it worth the effort. But it will likely always take compromise on both your parts.

Changing into an actual alternative persona is probably the most difficult thing for us women to accept. At least I think it is. I was lucky in that my fella was literally just a bloke-in-a-dress, more Eddie Izzard than anything else (Action Transvestite! ). He tried calling himself a girl's name, and always went by this name when dressed, but he really, really, wasn't. He'd never really pass, for example. Had he been a different person/persona, I'd have had a harder time with it.

One way I've heard of for persona-changing TVs in a relationship is that the husband/bf is always as manly a man as he ever was, and the GF gets to know the female persona as a friend, not as her fella dressed as a woman. Difficult at first, and requiring work, but can apparently be ok. It's one way of compromising. So the two "women" go out on a girly night out, drinking cocktails and dancing, or going to the cinema, or shopping, or whatever. But the guy, when he's being a guy, is *only* a guy.

Whatever happens, it requires a lot of honesty, and a *lot* of discussion and compromise. Neither party are going to get 100% what they want. It is possible that you may in the future meet a woman who has no problems whatsoever with it, and certainly someone who knows from the outset that you're TV has an advantage there, but it's not something you should hold your breath for

LegacyUser

she choose to date a man. not a man who wants to dress like a woman. i think its fair that she wants her man to be a man 24/7 since thats what she signed up for and finds attractive.

you need to sit her down and give her the option of whether or not she still wants to be with you.

Kazobel

To the OP I have alot of experience with situations like this from friends and in my experience when a girl reacts like that the relationship generally ends if the guy chooses to continue dressing. Bottle of smoke's points about what she'll be thinking are totally correct:

"is he gay?" :
Straight or not society still stereotypes all CD's/TV's as gay and she's probably already beginning to question wether you are too.

"will he someday want a sex-change?" :
Again another of societies stereotypes that all CD's/TV's will eventually want a sex-change. This will always worry her as will the worry that if she accepts it now how long will it be before you want to take it into the bedroom.

"what if my friends/family found out?"
"what if our potential kids found out?" :
How well do you think you'd be able to hide it? if she was to accept it you would eventually want to dress more often and that's also something she'll have to deal with and probably thinks she won't be able to.

It's very rare that a girl will become "friends" with the other side of you because for one you're essentially bringing another woman into the relationship, eventually you'll give the female side a name (if you haven't already) and giving a name gives a personality (you already refer to "her" as another persona and call her "she") and soon you'll start to refer to "her" in the third person by name when you're dressed as a man and your girlfriend will feel she's competing and add to that the fact that you also say you look convincing too means she may feel she's competing physically too.

I don't mind if she never wants to see me dressed, I just want her to allow me the odd saturday night out dressed with "the girls" and maybe some private time to go away for a weekend to London "with the girls". That is all.

This is totally unfeasable to a girl you've just told this too. The TV/CD scene is very much sexually charged and sexually oriented and you want to disappear to London on weekends to become part of that scene? No girl could deal with that, no relationship could. Her mind would be racing all the time you are gone. I'm afraid you have to admit to yourself that she's not ready to accept this and may never be, you may see it as harmless fun but she sees it as something totally different so you may very well have to make the choice. I honestly don't mean to sound harsh but you say you love her but sound like you think if she loves you too she should be able to accept it as a part of you or at least have posted looking for ways to change her mind but if you love her that much then to stay together you may need to make the choice of whether you can accept the part of her that can't understand and change your own mind. What it boils down to now is you'll need to choose her or "her".

I can give you the contact information of some support groups (both online and support meetings you can go too) that can help since you'll get to talk to people with more experiences of this so feel free to PM me if you like, I help alot of people on here and on other sites with info that I'm not comfortable posting on a public forum.

Take care and best of luck

Chinafoot

I'm not going to pretend to know anything about the TV scene but I noticed that you have stated twice that your girlfriend doesn't want to know.

As flogen already said, you can't present it as a joke and expect her to take you seriously. From what you've said, you haven't really come out and said "Look honey, I love you very much but there is a side to me you need to know about. I enjoy dressing as a woman sometimes and I would like to continue doing so. How do you feel about this?"

You made a joke about it, christ you even said you'd have nice shopping trips together! If she hasn't suspected any of this behaviour on your part, why would she take it seriously? You can't just say she doesn't want to know and won't talk about it when you haven't exactly tried very hard to get across your feelings on the matter.

You might see it as harmless fun but she might not. Either way your behaviour will have an affect on your girlfriend and it's only right that you discuss it with her.

It sounds to me like you're assuming that she won't want to know. Maybe that's true, then again maybe if she's given a chance, she might surprise you.

Sit her down and have a proper conversation. If this aspect of your life is important to you you need to discuss it properly with your girlfriend.

JuliusCaesar

Chinafoot wrote: »

It sounds to me like you're assuming that she won't want to know. Maybe that's true, then again maybe if she's given a chance, she might surprise you.

And then again, she may not.
You have to be prepared.
Either you are honest or you are not. This is your only choice. She choses whether to stay or go.

Jigsaw

You dress as a woman. Your girlfriend is a bit taken aback. Do you blame her? There are plenty of girls who would have instantly run a mile. If you want to dress like a woman then fire away, fair play to oyu and it is your right to do so, but understand that the vast minority of woman will be comfortable about this sort of behaviour from a boyfriend.

Esel

Sleepy wrote: »

The way you describe this is akin to schitzophrenia - a totally different person inside you. I'm not a doctor or in any way suggesting that you are schitzophrenic but I think the analogy is a useful one

Pretty obvious you are not a doctor, because you have no understanding of what scizophrenia is. One thing it is not is "a totally different person inside you".

Have a read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

LegacyUser

Many thanks for the kind hearted responses and for keeping an open mind.

Kazobel wrote: »

To the OP I have alot of experience with situations like this from friends and in my experience when a girl reacts like that the relationship generally ends if the guy chooses to continue dressing.

I guess it really is as simple as that. In honesty - because dressing is not as much of a big
part of my life as some other tgirls I know - I think I'm pretty much prepared to let go of it. I've been told by other tv friends that many have tried this, dumped the clothes etc. in order to have a normal life, happy marriage, etc. but they always say "you will go back to it". Maybe I will some day, but I'm certainly willing to keep dressing out of my relationship and my current life. As far as my girlfriend is concerned - I will have stopped. She won't see any traces.

Is it posible for me to completely stop? No. Would I want to? Yes. But read the results of my gender test above, and you will see that it is something within me that needs expression. I will do it secretly, and nobody will know. It is only for 3 or 4 times a year, so no big deal. I'll have my nights out, and will tell my gf I'm meeting up with some mates (which isn't untrue), but I won't tell her how I'll be dressed.

It's very rare that a girl will become "friends" with the other side of you because for one you're essentially bringing another woman into the relationship, eventually you'll give the female side a name (if you haven't already) and giving a name gives a personality (you already refer to "her" as another persona and call her "she") and soon you'll start to refer to "her" in the third person by name when you're dressed as a man and your girlfriend will feel she's competing and add to that the fact that you also say you look convincing too means she may feel she's competing physically too.

Yes, I have given her a name. She's been around regularly since I was 12, so it's not a new thing to me to have this "persona" in my life. The need to dress has become less and less in the last few years, but when I go for it and dress up, I really go the whole hog and love to party like a girl.

But I want to have a normal relationship so much that I'm willing to let go of "her" partially. She can't disappear - that could be dangerous. But she will have ceased to exist as far as the world is concerned.

The TV/CD scene is very much sexually charged and sexually oriented and you want to disappear to London on weekends to become part of that scene? No girl could deal with that, no relationship could. Her mind would be racing all the time you are gone. I'm afraid you have to admit to yourself that she's not ready to accept this and may never be, you may see it as harmless fun but she sees it as something totally different so you may very well have to make the choice.

This is all correct. If she knew what went on in the tv scene she'd be horrified, quite simply. Sometimes I consider the option of searching for somebody who will "accept" my tv side completely. Or maybe stay single and become a tv slapper, having lots of partners and playing the field. But I've been there and it wasn't fun...

The tv scene is filled with lonely, abandoned and misunderstood people. A lot of them are living in a loveless, empty, and seedy world that is certainly sexually-charged, but is quite hollow and superficial also. That kind of life isn't for me - I want marriage, family, community. I don't want to be living for the next sexually charged weekend, or the next night out. I want real companionship in my life. And that is something trans people and tv's have a difficult time finding.

I honestly don't mean to sound harsh but you say you love her but sound like you think if she loves you too she should be able to accept it as a part of you or at least have posted looking for ways to change her mind but if you love her that much then to stay together you may need to make the choice of whether you can accept the part of her that can't understand and change your own mind. What it boils down to now is you'll need to choose her or "her".

You have spoken some very healing words here, and I can tell you're a very intelligent and experienced individual. What you've said is right - and yes, I will accept her "will never understand ya" side. I am choosing her - my girlfriend; the other life leads to a world of craving, lonliness and sexual deviance - there is nothing in it. My gf's a lovely person who I love, but at heart she comes from a simple, working class family and doesn't know anything of the trans/cross dressing scene that I sometimes inhabit. I don't know if she could ever understand or fathom it, but I would prefer not to try because we've already worked through plenty of other issues and right now, we just need to relax in our relationship and enjoy each other. Not let all this get in the way of building a happy future together...

I can give you the contact information of some support groups (both online and support meetings you can go too) that can help since you'll get to talk to people with more experiences of this so feel free to PM me if you like, I help alot of people on here and on other sites with info that I'm not comfortable posting on a public forum.

Take care and best of luck

Many thanks, I may very well take you up on that

LegacyUser

Hi Tgal,
I know exactly how you feel and its such a relief to dress as a girl and does not in any way mean you are gay or anything, there are loads of guys who dress up very convincinly and are not attracted to men. I have the same fears as you and although single at moment, I want to meet a girl and settle down but little things like explaining my shaved legs could be tricky and worries me somewhat.

Is it such a bad thing that we would want to look dainty and feminine once in a while and allow oursevles to act all attractive and girlie, its a whole different world that we just can't explain but its really just magnificent. But the other side is that that side is indeed lonely and empty of love, its just a clubbing and partying type of thing and i myself am thinking of dumping stuff and trying to put that side behind me. Tough but maybe its something for the better. I know what your feeling and feel free to PM me if you want more chat about it, its hard to do on your own.

LegacyUser

tgal wrote: »

but I'm certainly willing to keep dressing out of my relationship and my current life. As far as my girlfriend is concerned - I will have stopped. She won't see any traces.

so you plan to introduce lies to your relationship? Big red neon warning sign at this hon, lies in a relationship baaad.

Yes, I have given her a name. She's been around regularly since I was 12, so it's not a new thing to me to have this "persona" in my life. The need to dress has become less and less in the last few years, but when I go for it and dress up, I really go the whole hog and love to party like a girl.

But I want to have a normal relationship so much that I'm willing to let go of "her" partially. She can't disappear - that could be dangerous. But she will have ceased to exist as far as the world is concerned.

from what it seems to me here, having read the rest of the advice especially the bit Kazobel mentioned bout your girlfriend being threatened by another female in the relationship, your only choice is to choose. Your girl or your girlfriend. A horrible nasty choice admittedly, but it would seem you can only be faithful one, not both.

Good luck

LegacyUser

I'm not introducing serious lies into the relationship - just hiding it for my girlfriends good. You guys have already said she probably won't be able to live with it. And I've found out that I should not stop for my own sanity. So I guess it's my only option. Some white lies to protect her are no harm.

Hey SameboatTGirl, nice to hear from you in this thread.

SameBoatTGirl wrote: »

Hi Tgal,
I know exactly how you feel and its such a relief to dress as a girl and does not in any way mean you are gay or anything, there are loads of guys who dress up very convincinly and are not attracted to men. I have the same fears as you and although single at moment, I want to meet a girl and settle down but little things like explaining my shaved legs could be tricky and worries me somewhat.

Yes, it feels really great. Nobody really understands that. I sometimes go out to tranniehaven in dublin (google it) and it's a really great feeling to be out with "the girls". I'm not attracted to men, and I was also in the same boat as you before I met my gf - I worried about having to leave my femme side behind. But that doesn't just magically happen. Even if your sex life is very fulfilling in the new relationship, the need to dress is still always there. Many have tried to dump clothes believe me, but it never lasts.

Explaining shaven legs is the least of your worries! In these times, with the advent of male grooming and David Beckham, etc. it is quite acceptable for a guy to shave his whole body. Usually my gf doesn't even notice, except for "down there". If she notices, I just say I wanted to look nice for her and keep myself looking tody and clean. I say "just given the old chest hair a trim to keep it under control", and she may not even notice legs.

Is it such a bad thing that we would want to look dainty and feminine once in a while and allow oursevles to act all attractive and girlie, its a whole different world that we just can't explain but its really just magnificent. But the other side is that that side is indeed lonely and empty of love, its just a clubbing and partying type of thing and i myself am thinking of dumping stuff and trying to put that side behind me. Tough but maybe its something for the better. I know what your feeling and feel free to PM me if you want more chat about it, its hard to do on your own.

Yes, I would love to press a button and stop it. But its not so easy, you will learn that as you get older. So don't waste your money throwing stuff out now, cos you'll probably end up spending it all again!! I would like to PM you but you aren't logged in

Yes, it is a clubbing and partying side of life. And in the cold light of day, it isn't anything that will help you to have any real joy in life. But it's not only a craving but also a mental and sexual condition - so forcing yourself to stop is the same as any sexual being forcing themselves to be celibate. And the effect that has had on those people has been well documented in various holy orders - so it isn't wise.

We can help each other to deal with it though, so I would like to email me if you could post your address.

SingingCherry

tgal wrote: »

I'm not introducing serious lies into the relationship - just hiding it for my girlfriends good. You guys have already said she probably won't be able to live with it. And I've found out that I should not stop for my own sanity. So I guess it's my only option. Some white lies to protect her are no harm.

I'm sorry, but, you're wrong here. You want to be who you want to be and there is not a soul on earth who could blame you, you do owe that to yourself, but lying to your girlfriend, even little white lies "to protect her" will absolutely ruin your relationship. Lying is lying. Whether it's big or small. And when she finds out you have been lying, that you go away on weekends in London or go out with "the girls" she will feel hurt and betrayed. You can't love her that much if you are willing to lie about your life so easily. If you do love her like you say you do, be honest with her. You, as a person who loves her, owe that to her.

LegacyUser

Sometimes things are not so black and white though. Will knowing this stuff help her in any way? You say I owe it to her because I love her; but loving somebody also means you don't want to hurt them or wreck their heads. Especially if you know they would be very uncomfortable knowing this stuff.

If it was something that had a big impact on my life, then yes. You are right, I should say something. But if it's only a few times a year, to me it seems like a silly idea to put her through all that trouble just so I can live up to this image of what you call "owing her my honesty". Because that is just an image or an idea - I don't know if it has any real importance. The reality is that is will cause complications...

lizzyvera

That wouldn't bother me, I always swap clothes with my boyfriend for fun. I don't know how serious you two are but if it's a big part of you, you'll have to find someone who doesn't think it's a big deal.