The truth will out....

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Some of you may recall my problem from a few months ago in regard to my marriage problems... see here for a reminder
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055185295&highlight=marriage+in+trouble

I think an update is due. We had arranged to go to Athy this week for a few days to sort things out. Off we went on Monday morning. Just checked in to the hotel and were in the bar chatting, getting along well and I thought we were going to re-connect and all would be well. Then he dropped the bombshell. Told me that he wanted out of the marriage and that he had in fact been having an affair with the girl I had been suspicious of all along.

I had the worst drive of my life trying to get home from Athy. Needless to say I left him there. It took me nearly 4 hours for what should have been a 90 minute drive. I was so distraught and kept getting lost. Nightmare. Then when I eventually got home he was bloody sitting in the house!!! He got a taxi back. I immediately told him to get out - which thankfully he did.

I've had an extremely hard couple of days but I've retained a solicitor today and have initiated separation proceedings and arranged the sale of the house. I feel so sick to my stomach. I should have followed my gut instincts months ago.....

What a horribly callous thing to do though. Bring me all the way over there just to tell me that. I'm very angry at how he did it. I feel he should have told me before we left - he led me to believe we were going to resolve everything. I feel very foolish and used.

Right now I am numb. It's an added difficulty for me as all my family are up in the north and I am pretty much on my own down here. My sister is coming down tomorrow for support. I don't really know why I'm posting this - just thought some of you who helped me previously would be interested in the final ugly outcome. Thanks again for reading and for all previous help.

MIN2511

I am so sorry, that was the ****tiest thing to do... That was childish and juvenile, but what is done is done. All you can do is think about the future, he should have told you ages ago rather than waste all those years. I believe everything happens for a reason, who knows what would have come out of it.
I would like to say men are all dogs!!! But i don't think mods or male posters would appreciate it...
Am happy you are already seeing a solicitor to discuss things and also that your sister is coming down for moral support. I think you need a break, maybe move out of the house cause it holds memories you would rather not remember..
Really sorry, no one deserves this

Zaph

MIN2511 wrote: »

I would like to say men are all dogs!!! But i don't think mods or male posters would appreciate it...

Not all men are dogs, but unfortunately some of us are and the OP had the misfortune of marrying one of them.

SarahSassy

OP

I remember that post and I am so sorry it has ended so badly. In fairness, you deserve better than to be in a horrible marraige but Im sure you are still devastated.

Best wishes to you.

SS

Sherifu

Ouch, that's nasty. Why bring you all that way to lay you out cold?

tbh

hey mate, I've got a couple of cliches for you.

1. The worst is over. It can only get better from here. It'll be tough, but not as tough as today. And today is nearly over

2. Your real life starts here.


hugs

gcgirl

I am really sorry to hear what you went through he sounds like a compleat callous B**stard ! I know what your going through! thank god you don't have kids with him it could have got an awful mess! But there is life after these B**stards and keep strong!

dudara

I remember your original thread and my heart went out to you that time. And once again, I feel so sorry for what you're going through. You've just been kicked in the stomach and it hurts.

As another poster said, it won't get any worse now. It's not going to get better fast, but now there are no more lies in your life. Knowing the truth will let you start to feel better.

Hang on in there. Talk to us here. We'll listen and help as best we can

spinandscribble

well done for leaving him there. im being honest when i say i hope you'll meet someone who'll treat you the way you deserve. make the most of your new life. suit yourself. do whats best for you. take care.

m83

ffs i can't believe he would do that to you. <hugs> just remember you're free from him now so it only gets better from here in

Lollipops23

Fair play to you for maintaining your dignity and walking away with your head held high, OP.

And I know it's no real consolation,but I always believe that once a cheater always a cheater. This guy isn't just a filthy liar,but also cruel for leading you on all these months.

At least he is now(well,very soon) out of your life and you no longer have to put up with his deceit and horrible behaviour.

Good Luck pet, my heart goes out to you:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages of support. Everyone here is so nice and supportive and it has really helped me in the past to have this outlet. I went to my GP today and he was very helpful and kind. He gave me a mild sedative to help me get through the coming days and has said I can call anytime if I just need to talk.

I think I'm still in shock. I unfortunately have to meet with the bollox tomorrow to get him to sign papers etc in regards of the house and I have to say that is something I am dreading. I want things to be amicable - even though I don't think he deserves this from me right now, but I need to make sure I get everything sorted in my best interests. If anyone has any advice regarding this meeting I would appreciate it.

I'm trying to be strong and keep a clear head but it's pretty hard. The sedative is working. Feel much calmer within myself even though I still can't eat. The thought of food just makes me wretch but I'm forcing soup and liquids down me anyway.

I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and part of me does feel a certain sense of relief that it's all out in the open now. I just wish he had been honest with me from the start and spared me the 9 months of torture. But what's done is done.

Lollipops23

Thing is OP, it's only been what a few days?don't expect too much from yourself!do try your best to force down food,you'll be no good to yourself if you're malnourished.

About meeting him....would your sister go with you?that way it'll be more on your terms(2 against one!) and it'll perhaps prevent any descent into arguing.You owe him nothing!!you don't need to be polite.....mono-syllabic answers will more than suffice.

................oh and look ravishing!!!!;)

fuzzywiggle

First day of the rest of your happy life. Try to have a positive outlook. Life is too short.
All the best.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

................oh and look ravishing!!!!;)

Never anything less sweetie!!

Nevyn

Re meeting if you can have some one with you as a witness, get to the solictors office before him and leave directly after the documents are sorted and keep clear of him.

Toots

Thaedydal wrote: »

Re meeting if you can have some one with you as a witness, get to the solictors office before him and leave directly after the documents are sorted and keep clear of him.

+1, and if you're not meeting him at the solicitor's office, ask your solicitor can he accompany you to the signing. If he can't, then ask your sister or maybe a close friend to come with you. You need moral support and also someone to witness the event.

I'm sorry that things turned out this way, it's tough now, but it will get easier with time and your life will be infinitely better without him.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Re meeting if you can have some one with you as a witness, get to the solictors office before him and leave directly after the documents are sorted and keep clear of him.

I've actually asked him to come here to do things. I want answers from him as I feel he has gotten off very lightly with me. I need to get some sort of closure from him on a personal level if that makes sense? Do you think this is a bad idea? I just feel like it's something I need to do to be able to move on.

pookie82

Wow, I remember your last thread felt really sorry for you at the time. Although it was done in the worst possible way, at least the truth is out now. God help the woman he's gone to is all I can say. Best of luck for the future, and with the legalities (hope he doesn't get nasty in that regard but do be prepared!!). Your life will improve ten fold without him once you get over the hurt. Look forward, draw a line under you two and be brave!!

All the best.

WhiteWashMan

its going to take some time for this to sink in. but now you know. whats the worse that can happen, eh?

while it is the start of your new life, it is going to take a lot of time. you are going to need closure. you need to say all the things to him that you want to say, and at a time thats good for you.

dont go trying to organise too much right away. give yourself time to get over the shock, and dont be hard on yourself about being all over the place. you will be. you will be in bits. you will cry. you will be irrational. you will have odd thoughts going through your head, and you will be unmercilessly tortured by your own emotions and thoughts.

but you know what.

this too will pass.

aidan24326

OP, I also remember your original thread, and even though things have ended badly it's as well that you know the truth of what's been going on, and can get him out of your life. Your earlier posts painted a picture of a guy who's the type that gives all men a bad name, uncaring and sneaky. And the callous nature of his actions on Monday was hardly an improvement.

For the meeting I would echo what others have said, bring a close friend/family member as witness (if not solicitor) and do not feel any need to be amicable, you're quite right that he doesn't deserve it. Lollipops23 has it spot on, mono-syllabic answers and a cold business-like tone is as much as you're obliged to give right now.

tritium

OP, my heart goes out to you. I know it won't feel like a true statement now, but you're lucky to be rid of the slimeball. I'd echo other posters that you owe him nothing, so do bring a friend or solicitor along to the meeting to ensure someones there to be in your corner. Also, when you've had a few days to deal with things, talk to a solicitor to ensure you get everything you're entitled to, since it sounds like this callous git would be more than willing to mess you around on this stuff if he could.

Good luck OP

Nevyn

me&him wrote: »

I've actually asked him to come here to do things. I want answers from him as I feel he has gotten off very lightly with me. I need to get some sort of closure from him on a personal level if that makes sense? Do you think this is a bad idea? I just feel like it's something I need to do to be able to move on.

Do that separately after you have the papers sorted.
Get the offical legal stuff out of the way so that he can't try and hold it over you and delay things and pick a neutral place to do it.

milod

OP, Sort out your future first, and yes prioritize the legal/financial aspects - they're the only thing left now as he has clearly indicated that there's no future for your emotional relationship. Ideally you should not even attend a solicitor at the same time, and you should completely avoid contact with him. Let you solicitor sort this out aspect.

Also, regardless of the location, you don't need to emotionally 'engage' with him, and you can't really expect a satisfactory answer to your questions. This is something you have to face now as a single person, not as a couple.

Dressing up, or trying to show him what he's losing are a pointless exercise and only prove to him that he still 'has' you on some level. Don't bolster his ego by making it clear you still need something from him. You're worth more than that, and you have had an unfortunate experience with this man. Start letting go now, and don't obsess about revenge - it'll eat you up.

You can torture yourself for the next few years about the injustice of it all and you might even end up alienating friends/family with your unresolved feelings, but none of this will be helped by asking him for answers.

Beruthiel

me&him wrote: »

What a horribly callous thing to do though. Bring me all the way over there just to tell me that. I'm very angry at how he did it. I feel he should have told me before we left - he led me to believe we were going to resolve everything. I feel very foolish and used.

What an utter pr!ck. You are soooo well rid of him.
Fair play for getting the solicitor and house up for sale so quickly.
The faster all that crap is behind you the sooner you can start to heal.

WWM is correct. Having been through a difficult breakup myself, I am well aware of the fact that it takes time to get back to your old, happy go lucky self.
Your head is all over the camp, you change your mind with regards to decisions every 10 seconds. You may even doubt your sanity at times. But when you get through to the other side, you will be a stronger, happier person because of this. You will have a greater respect for yourself.
You now have given yourself the chance to eventually find happiness elsewhere.
I know you will find this hard to believe now, but the day will come when you will look back at this and be so glad you left. You will be happy and you will have a better life than the one he's put you through this past while.
I recommend you have as little contact with him as possible, it won't help you emotionally.
I wish you the best.
Be good to yourself.

Mazeire

God almighty OP thats horrendous! I really can't express how much my heart goes out to you. Try to get sometime off work and go back up North for a while if you can. It will do you good to get out of the enviroment where every thing reminds you of him, and there is nothing worse than having to go in to work and having to pretend everything is normal when your world has fallen apart around your ears.

Just as a side note I was looking at your original thread, and it was amazing how many people were quick to hop in and call you "clingy" etc. much as in the thread started by "bluering" during the week, many were quick to call her a "bunny boiler". Lesson learned ladies. Trust your gut. If you feel somethings off then its off.

ellenmelon

yuck, sorry to hear it hun. what a horrible person.

(if it were me, i would have everything signed then ask the questions if you were going to do it that way..just in case he refuses to sign or something)

take care of yourself..let yourself be sad but take the time to do some fun things/things for yourself.

xxxxxxx

tbh

the thing is, asking him why he did it isn't going to get you anywhere. Lets assume that he's totally honest, and tells you exactly why he did what he did. I can think of a number of "reasons" he might do it, but nothing you can do could change any of that. Maybe he didn't fancy you anymore. Maybe he got on better with someone else. Maybe he felt tied down blah blah blah. It's not you, it's him. So what difference would "knowing" do? If you want my advice, get the legal stuff ironed out, and then forget about him.

Marksie

Thaedydal wrote: »

Do that separately after you have the papers sorted.
Get the offical legal stuff out of the way so that he can't try and hold it over you and delay things and pick a neutral place to do it.

I agree with thaed in this.

You may be looking for answers but now is not the time

Separate out teh practical from the personal, for the moment.
and get your self into the correct headspace for listening to answers.

Dont try to overburden yourself too much with too many different strands.

Get the legal sorted, then look for answers.

ellenmelon

tbh wrote: »

the thing is, asking him why he did it isn't going to get you anywhere. Lets assume that he's totally honest, and tells you exactly why he did what he did. I can think of a number of "reasons" he might do it, but nothing you can do could change any of that. Maybe he didn't fancy you anymore. Maybe he got on better with someone else. Maybe he felt tied down blah blah blah. It's not you, it's him. So what difference would "knowing" do? If you want my advice, get the legal stuff ironed out, and then forget about him.

i get ya tbh, but sometimes knowing why can help stop the questions whirling around in your head. the OP should still remember that none of it is her fault,no matter what he says.

tbh

fair point, it's easy to be rational when you're not involved.

the OP should still remember that none of it is her fault,no matter what he says.

you said it better than me

LegacyUser

I have been through something very similar and on a piece of paper I keep with me is a line in a song by We are Scientists that says "Having all the questions answered, will it really answer anything?"

Asking him questions will not make you feel better but will only give him attention - forget him and get on with your life. Don't give him another second of your precious time. He is not worth it.

Keep your chin up xx

K_P

Thaedydal wrote: »

Do that separately after you have the papers sorted.
Get the offical legal stuff out of the way so that he can't try and hold it over you and delay things and pick a neutral place to do it.

+1

I remember your original post OP and I'm so sorry things have worked out this way for you. As other posters have said, you're well rid of him and though things are terrible now, at least you don't have to put up with his bulls*** anymore.

I'd agree with what Thaedydal said up there. You're in such an emotional state at the moment that you're better off keeping things cold and distant for now. Get the legalities sorted out first. The closure and emotional healing will come later. Take care.

Pyjamarama

I remember your first thread OP and feel so bad for you that this is how it all turned out. You were the bigger person and gave him a second chance and then he's just a grade A asshole in return.

I know the questions can haunt you but like a lot of people have said getting the papers signed is the important thing now because the only answers you're likely to get are lame excuses. Wouldn't you need someone there as a witness to him signing anyway?

Loopy

I also remember your original post and wondered what the outcome was. He's a cruel person to have brought you down there to tell you that, Spineless! It just shows u that when we have a gut feeling about something we are generally right.

I agree with a lot of the others saying get the legal stuff out of the way, I feel you also need to talk to him in order to move on. As you said yourself 'Closure'...Something v similiar happened me in the past and I ignored him after we broke up but it festered away with me and I really needed to talk to him to get it out of my system. I felt big relief after I did even though it was very tough to do it. It allowed me to move on.

Be good to yourself and go with the pain, its gonna be very hard the next while but you sound a very strong character and u will get through it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Well, he's just been here and we spent an hour or so going through stuff. He has said that he wants to buy me out of the house, which I feel good about because I think this will speed the whole process up. It was a very amicable conversation because I don't see the point now in being nasty about it. The hurt has been caused and I just have to deal with it now and move on with my life. We have discussed at length our financial situation as regards outstanding debts and have agreed on a course of action here too. He has agreed to leave all money matters ie: keeping up mortgage payments etc in my hands and has left his bank card etc with me on the understanding that if he needs money he will come to me to get it.

We discussed the whole affair thing too. I found emails last night between him and her dating back to October last year. Proclamations of undying love for each other etc and a ticket for flights for him to visit her in Austria on 26th Feb. Talk about a slap in the face!! I produced all this evidence to him so he could no longer deny the extent of their relationship. Well, good luck to them. She better keep looking over her shoulder though because in time he will probably hurt her too.

I actually feel so much better now having done this. I can see now that I am stronger than him and that I will get through this. He is the one who has to live with the regrets and shame whilst I have kept my head high and been the better person.

Thanks again to you all for the support.

watna

OP, I remember your original thread and I'm so sorry to hear that it has worked out this way. You may not feel like it but it is for the best, you'll take a while to get over it but think how free you'll be then? Free from worrying about your relationship, free from being suspicious and free from feeling like crap. The uncertainty is always worse so although it's a terrible thing for him to do at least he know what he was definitely up to and can move on.

It's good that you're sorting out money matters, especially if he's buying you out of the house and you can move on completely. Maybe you could even go away for a while with the proceeds. I know I'd be eager to do that!

Miss Fluff

He has been such a prize knut OP and you have behaved with remarkable dignity. Keep the chin up, time for a new start, you had a lucky escape.

fits

My heart goes out to you OP. I wish you the very best of luck in the coming months. You're doing really well so far.

SarahSassy

me&him, why dont you register and come over the The LAdies Lounge under Rec for some girly support...

starlight07

Oh god I read the previous thread, a womans intuition huh? By the sounds of it you were such an understanding wife, it really is his loss, I cant believe someone could be such an asshole. Honestly Im almost speachless after reading.

I hope you get through it, try to surround yourself with people you love and keep busy, its important to look after who truly matters- YOU.

Maybe once all the legal/ financial matters are dealt with and when you feel well enough to come off the sedatives you should book yourself a nice holiday... take a break and get away from it all- the sun would do you the world of good.

All the best, BEAR HUGS!

the_syco

me&him wrote: »

He has said that he wants to buy me out of the house, which I feel good about because I think this will speed the whole process up.

Ensure you get what you've put into it.

You may just want it out of the way quickly, but keep a level head, get what is due, and then leave. See if you can get an apartment with the money, or something, so that you can move your stuff there.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

me&him, why dont you register and come over the The LAdies Lounge under Rec for some girly support...

Am already a reggie user.... Skye to anyone who knows me...Thanks for the invite!

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

Ensure you get what you've put into it.

You may just want it out of the way quickly, but keep a level head, get what is due, and then leave. See if you can get an apartment with the money, or something, so that you can move your stuff there.

Have an estate agent coming tomorrow to value the property. He is intending to buy the place as it sits, furnished. Have spoken to my solicitor about this today and am meeting with her in the morning to sort it