A short story I've been working on: "Computer Love".

randomcountdown

Even after the three years after working on it, I can say my greatest achievement seemed to be just perfect. A home-brewed A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) program on my personal computer made me feel just awesome. Of course, “she” helped out a lot.

Yeah, “she.” The AI program I rendered initially was to be a guy but I figured that a girl would be a whole lot better for me. My decision was easily helped by my parents support. Thanks to them, I managed to get the entire house computerized. And since I made a special network that allowed her to travel to any part of the house with her will, she seems not only a protector but a friend.

I think the only bad thing about her is that she really doesn’t have a name except a program name. Her program number is AI-12. Not exactly the twelfth AI program I made but it was the twelfth modification. But I have thought about calling her Melissa. There will be consequences if I gave her the name of the girl I modeled her after. I will have to be careful.

I have currently nicknamed her “Twelve.” To make sure she will accept, even though she was programmed with a feedback function that I got from a friend overseas, I had to ask her myself. “Program AI-12, I’m still here. I need to talk to you,” I said.

As she popped onto the screen, there she was; a beautiful girl standing replying, “Yes, Brian-san. What do you need?”

I have no problems against her calling me Brian-san, since I did create her. I said, “I know you have a program name, but I seem to have trouble coming up with a real name for you. But I believe I did come up with a nickname for you.”

“That’s great! What did you decide?” she asked in that sweet tone of hers.

“How about I call you Twelve until we decide to give you a real name?” I asked.

“That is perfectly fine, Brian-san,” she replied. “What made you decide on that?”

“Well, it is your program number,” I replied. “It’s hard to call you AI-12. So I decided to call you Twelve. Do you have any objections?”

She simply smiled and said, “Nope. No objections.” She took a moment to sigh and asked, “Otherwise, Brian-san, how is your day going?”

I smiled as I know that a girl like her would be out of my league but she keeps me company. I replied, “It’s going pretty good. I had a slow day, though.”

“Oh, before we continue, Brian-san, you just received an email from Koichi Tokugawa,” she said.

Ah, it’s him. If it wasn’t for Koichi, Twelve’s feedback function would have been a simple idea. “Very well, Twelve,” I said. “Can you open it for me?”

As she complied with my request, Koichi asked about my AI’s progress. “Twelve, can you get a blank email ready to be filled?” I asked.

“Sure thing,” she said. “What would you like to say?”

I smiled and said, “First, address it to Koichi Tokugawa. And in the body, write on it what I say. ‘Program AI-12 is going perfectly fine. Her feedback function is working flawlessly, thanks to you. I must thank you greatly. No name is currently given but we have decided to nickname her Twelve because of her current modification number.

“‘So how’s your AI going? I’ll bet anything you went female yourself. Can you send me a pic of your AI? I’ll send a pic of Twelve.’ Finish with my usual ending signature, Twelve. Still photo yourself and attach it to the email,” I instructed.

“Done, Brian-san,” Twelve said. “Ready to send the email?”

I nodded and said, “Please do. It means nothing if I keep an email originally written for Koichi.”

She chuckles and said, “Very true.”

After sending the email, Twelve looks at me and said, “Continue with your story.”

I smiled and told her everything that happened today. “I see. So you had a pretty long day. You have my sympathy, Brian-san,” she said. “but . . .”

“But what, Twelve?” I asked.

“If I can make one wish, that would be a real girl and keep you even more company and give you even more sympathy,” she said.

Whoa. Even I am still impressed at how realistic Twelve has gotten over the past few years. “I don’t know how you got that thought, Twelve, but I am proud to say at how realistic you have gotten in the past three years and twelve modifications,” I said. “You are undoubtedly an excellent friend to have, even if you are a computer program.”

“Thanks, Brian-san,” she said. “That means a lot.”

Even though she has been rendered and designed, I imagined what it would be like if she really was real. Oh man! I would be the envy of the friends in my circle. “Oh dear. It’s close to ten o’clock, Brian-san,” she said. “You should get some sleep. Tomorrow’s your competition.”

That’s right. The Magic the Gathering® tournament country finals at my college. I have waited for this day.

After waking up from Twelve’s excellent alarm clock, I went out and arrived at the college for my tournament. After a gruesome eight hours at the college, I arrived home with the title of 2008 United States Pro Tour champion. “Twelve!” I yelled.

My parents asked, “What do you mean, Brian?”

Oh, that’s right. I forgot to tell them about her nickname. “Well, I decided to give my AI a nickname of Twelve,” I said. “Since I don’t have a good name for her anyway.”

My parents nodded and I yelled again, “Twelve! Where are you?”

Her face popped up on the special TV screen I developed. “Hey, Brian-san! How did the tournament go?” she asked.

“Say hello to the 2008 United States Pro Tour champion!” I said.

“Congratulations, Brian!” my mom said.

“You were right, Brian,” my dad said. “Perhaps that is your knack.”

“I’m so proud of you, Brian-san,” Twelve said. “Which deck did you use to win?”

“My Pow-Red deck,” I replied. “A legitimate deck and rained supreme as the instrument of my new title.”

After a glorious day, I went downstairs and rested. As I laid down on my bed, Twelve came on the screen right next to my bed. “I am so proud of you, Brian-san. You have trained that deck for so long,” she said.

I chuckled and said, “To be perfectly honest, if it weren’t for you, my deck would get creamed every time. Your deck analyzer is just perfect.”

After thinking about the three years that I spent to make Twelve perfect, I put on my headphones and asked, “Hey, Twelve. Can you turn on my Windows Media Player and playlist DRJ84?”

“Sure thing,” she said.

After doing what I asked of her, she glances at me and says, “You do recall that your Dance of the Machines is my favorite song?”

I smiled and replied, “Of course, I recall. Besides, I seem to recall that you liked Sleep in Peace even more?”

As we exchanged quips at each other, I continue looking at her and seeing a huge resemblance to a girl I once knew. After she sent her last photo, I lost contact with her. I modeled Twelve after her in my haste. I kept a secret from Twelve; if she ever became real, I would definitely name her Melissa.

After listening to some music that I wrote and composed, Twelve asks, “Is there anything else you require of me, Brian-san?”

“Just one, Twelve. Amplify the VRAM to maximum and execute Dance eJay 6,” I replied. “I have an idea for a new song.”

I have been composing some music as a hobby as I did on my stories. However, I have paid a little more attention to my music than I used to. I guess it is only natural for being the only musician in the family. I have no idea how I got the idea of becoming a musician got into my brain but helps balance out my logical brain to nice equal weight. Oh well.

As I selected samples to play as the beats, Twelve pops up in her own window and said, “That is a neat beat, Brian-san. I suggest adding some sound that resembles the sound of a beat of a dragon’s wings. Add some color to the composition overall.”

I smiled and said, “That is a good idea, Twelve. Thanks. I may be a music composition student but I do know the elements of a good song.”

randomcountdown

Please respond.

Fenster

It's not great. Speaking as a computer user and science fiction fan, the premise is way too far for me to suspend my disbelief. An aware Turing intelligence running on a home desktop?

I don't like a lot of the language or techno-babble because it simply doesn't ring true.

It's an interesting concept, but the setting needs to be changed to add credibility.

rockbeer

This contains interesting themes and ideas but I would say you must work on your delivery. It doesn't matter how good the ideas are if your presentation doesn't engage the reader.

I found your use of language a little flat and predictable, especially much of the dialog. The piece all comes across on the same level, lacking drama or tension, and you've missed a number of obvious opportunities to create this e.g. the competition, which you've reduced literally to "a gruesome eight hours".

Some of the phrasing is kind of clumsy - I suggest you read the following sentences carefully and ask yourself what's wrong with them:

---

“If I can make one wish, that would be a real girl and keep you even more company and give you even more sympathy,” she said.

After waking up from Twelve’s excellent alarm clock, I went out and arrived at the college for my tournament.

I have no idea how I got the idea of becoming a musician got into my brain but helps balance out my logical brain to nice equal weight.

---

(I had a fantastic English teacher once who stressed that 'nice' is probably the blandest word in the entire language. Reserve it for the mouths of bland characters unless you want your own writing to be bland.)

Also you make some strange switches between tenses e.g. in

"As we exchanged quips at each other, I continue looking at her..."

and

"As I selected samples to play as the beats, Twelve pops up in her own window and said..."

where you switch from past to present and back to past again all within a single sentence.

hth, sorry if I sound excessively critical but there's quite a bit to work on here.

Memnoch

I'm not going to comment on the story itself too much. You do however need to work on your craft. Especially grammer and sentence construction.

I suggest getting a few highschool or even junior cert english grammer guides and studying them thoroughly. It's important to get those fundamentals as solid as you can so that it doesn't impede your work.

Also, read a lot. If you want to write sci-fi, you should be reading Ian M. Banks, Peter F. Hamilton and probably all of Isaac Asimov. The more you read the more your sentences will flow.

best of luck

randomcountdown

Are you offering me a job?

rockbeer

randomcountdown wrote: »

Are you offering me a job?

Is that all you can say after we've spent our precious time offering you feedback on your efforts?

Terran

Looks like you copied all this from Somethingawful.com

darkestlord

I don't understand why people post stories and poem's on this site, there are plenty of good writing sites out there.