Am I a commitment phobe?

LegacyUser

Ok...another relationship-advice-seeking thread...

Just wondering...am I being too fussy?

Recently started seeing a guy. Nice guy, been on a good few dates. Get on really well.

Ok, the thing is he's told me he really likes me, whereas I'm not quite sure. I mean, he's a really nice guy, we have good fun together, but just not sure if I fancy him all that much...

I'm a bit of a novice at the whole relationship thing.
My only long-ish relationship was about 18 months long, but that was a few years ago. It was a relationship similar to ones described on other threads here. I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore after the first year, but his needyness and talk of "I dont know how I would cope without you" etc made me stick around, when I should've ended it sooner. Basically I was miserable, really wanted out of the relationship, wanted to be out having fun with college mates etc.

So anyway, that ended.
After that I made sure I put myself first. I went travelling alone which gave me lots of independence, freedom etc...and I loved it.

Now there is this guy...

He's told me he really likes me. However, I'm not as certain as he is.

Not really sure what I'm trying to say...

The thought of getting into a relationship that I'm not 100% about scares the crap out of me.

I know its only been a few dates but I know he wants to be (without sounding cheesy!) "exclusive" proper bf & gf.

But I'm just terrified of giving up my freedom!
I know you are going to say "you dont have to give up your freedom just because you have a boyfriend". I think I will though to a certain extent.
Not sure how to put it really...
His views on drugs means its highly unlikely he will get on too well with alot of my friends.
Also, he has only recently moved over to Ireland and so he hasn't really got too many friends yet. I know this isn't a major thing but I'm one of the few people he knows here so far so I feel like there is alot of pressure already on me to invite him places etc.

All that said...
I've no idea if I am being too fussy and deep down I am just a commitment phobe who is looking for any small negative detail to end the relationship.

I'm not even sure what I am asking really.

Do I sound like a commitment phobe?
Or am I right, not settling for a guy just because he is nice?
Or am I being too fussy?
Or have years of being single made me too independant?

I know I am over analysing this, it has only been a few dates, but for some reason there seems alot of pressure.
I enjoy being with him, but I think its just the "being with someone" bit (as I've been single awhile) as opposed to actually being with him. That make sense?

God, I've even bored myself with this rant!!!

sportswear

i read this post and I am utterly amazed. you are exactly the same as me!

I have exactly the same problem. going out with someone freaks the **** out of me. i feel it strips me of my freedom and i feel smothered and tied down.

I can't help feeling like this, im sure you don't either. if i were you i would steer clear of this. its a disaster waiting to happen.


if you succumb to his need you will just find yourself wanting to break up with him in a few weeks, thats not healthy for him and you. Just be yourself and explain to him that you don't want a bf.

Thats not your fault.

Furthermore by not gettin into this you can avoid all the crap with him and your mates , which i can also identify with.


If you really, truly, liked him, you'd know it.

save him and yourself the bother.


Don't think that you're not normal . eventually you'll meet someone you want to go out with .


Until then keep yourself a free agent and enjoy it!!!!!

JuliusCaesar

Phobic wrote: »

I mean, he's a really nice guy, we have good fun together, but just not sure if I fancy him all that much....

....The thought of getting into a relationship that I'm not 100% about scares the crap out of me.

I know its only been a few dates but I know he wants to be (without sounding cheesy!) "exclusive" proper bf & gf.
.....
His views on drugs means its highly unlikely he will get on too well with alot of my friends.
Also, he has only recently moved over to Ireland and so he hasn't really got too many friends yet. I know this isn't a major thing but I'm one of the few people he knows here so far so I feel like there is alot of pressure already on me to invite him places etc.

Not sure you fancy him
He's keener on you than you are on him
Won't fit in with your friends
You feel sorry for him

Well............I think you're answering your own question here, and it has nothing to do with being phobic about committment.........

You could tell him all this and discuss. Or you could make it clear that you don't want to have a bf/gf relationship with him.

Queen-Mise

Short and Simple. Stop psychoanalyzing the whole thing.

it may be a few dates at the moment. might even turn into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but with the understanding that this means, no dates outside the relationship.

Don't let it become serious too early. keep your single life, whatever you think best, like no more than 2/3 nights together a week.

your are not responsible for him settling into Ireland etc etc....

Don't overthink the whole thing, at this it should be fun.

Pick a level your comfortable with, and stick to it.

ps hope this doesn't sound like mumbo jumbo stuff..

DEmeant0r

Aye, stop overthinking things, just take it as is and enjoy it. After all, dates are meant to be fun, right?

wylo

I agree with the first two replies. As a person thats been on both ends of that story ,(im sure everyone has),you are better off staying fully away from bf/gf relationship.

LegacyUser

sportswear wrote: »

i read this post and I am utterly amazed. you are exactly the same as me!

I have exactly the same problem. going out with someone freaks the **** out of me. i feel it strips me of my freedom and i feel smothered and tied down.

I can't help feeling like this, im sure you don't either. if i were you i would steer clear of this. its a disaster waiting to happen.


if you succumb to his need you will just find yourself wanting to break up with him in a few weeks, thats not healthy for him and you. Just be yourself and explain to him that you don't want a bf.

Thats not your fault.

Furthermore by not gettin into this you can avoid all the crap with him and your mates , which i can also identify with.


If you really, truly, liked him, you'd know it.

save him and yourself the bother.


Don't think that you're not normal . eventually you'll meet someone you want to go out with .


Until then keep yourself a free agent and enjoy it!!!!!

It's good to know I'm not the only person like this!!

Queen-mise & De Meant 0r - I agree with you both that I need to stop over-analysing the whole situation.
The dates are good fun.
Its just the fact that he is very keen on the whole bf/gf thing, whereas I am enjoying the dates for what they are...dates! I'm not seeing them as a stepping stone to a relationship to be honest. (That make sense?). The problem is he is.
I just dont want to give up my single life really...I think.
I'm not saying I want to be out scoring randomers every night of the week or anything like that, I just enjoy my independance, enjoy nights out having the craic etc, and I think this particular relationship (if it were to become a r'ship that is) would really put an end to a lot of that.


Hmmm...

Ah I dunno.

Maybe someone will come along who will totally change my mind on all of this & turn my eternal-singleton-fun loving self into a smitten-kitten! haha

Until then I am doomed to remain a commitment phobe.

Overheal

You have as much say on the speed of the relationship as he does. If you want to do some casual dating maybe once a week/fortnight then do that. (dont get mad if he 'cheats' or anything when its not exclusive of course and vice versa) but at least that way you learn whats comfortable for the two of you. Diving into commitment and then realising it was a mistake - always a mucky situation.