I'm a social disaster!

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start! I am in my early twenties and have never had a girlfriend. I am pretty bad at this sort of thing so here goes....

I went out last weekend for the first time in about two years on a pub crawl and went clubbing afterwards. I don't really know what is wrong with me but I never seem to have the courage to talk to women I like and the weird thing is I do not fear rejection which makes it worse. I just simply freeze out or just start blabbering my words. I usually don't drink either as it makes me worse. I have been reading this book and it gave me the courage to go out but I can't seem to put its advice (americanised) into practice.

Another fact that rails against me is I have very little male friends as I never developed these through school and college mainly from fear of being dubbed gay. (I am fine with gay people but it wrecks my head if people thought I was). I suffered severe bullying throughout secondary school and it really effected me during a key developmental stage also add the Nazi parents from hell, (think catholic guilt and the rosary) and I never developed friends of either sex. I am also still a virgin and recently it has being crushing me and I was tempted to give Amsterdam or Nevada a try but I don't have the guts for it as I would be paranoid of catching something, i'd probably hate myself anyway for it.

I am trying so hard to break the shell I am in but it seems to grow a foot for every inch I dig off it. I am reasonably successful in my career and am well of but If I could have a quarter of my academic success in the social scene i'd be flying high.

I wonder has anyone here been in a similar situation and if anyone has any tips in how to normalise myself it would be great.

thanks for reading

Max_Damage

You may have love shyness.

thedude52

I know where you're coming from as I was totally inept in social situations until very recently. There is a large online community of guys just like you trying to learn how to be more comfortable in social situations and ultimately be successful with women.

Several companies run 3 day bootcamps where they will help you overhaul your attitude to social interactions. The one that has helped me the most is www.charismaarts.com. Its based on being a better conversationalist and building up your self confidnece. Theyve got lots of great blogs and podcasts on thier website and the forum has lots of people willing to help you get through your sticking points. I havent done a bootcamp yet as they are expensive, but just reading the material and listening to the podcasts has helped me enormously.

You could also look at
www.realsocialdynamics.com
www.stylelife.com

You can see the charisma arts guys in action on youtube on the seduction school program where they took three guys and helped them feel more comfortable in social situations with women. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DYn4-h3Cnk

Its working for me so it can probably work for you too, but it wont happen ovenight and its a lot to take in at first.

Good Luck.

newestUser

Well, as regards the Amsterdam/Nevada thing, as I mentioned in another thread lately, a recent survey (2002/2003) found that 7% of dutch prostitutes are HIV positive. Do you really want the hassle of several months of sleepless nights, wondering if your tests are going to come back positive?

Lots of people are in their early twenties, and never had a girlfriend. Being in a relationship does not necessarily equal happiness, in any case.

I'd recommend seeing a counsellor of some description if I were you. For what it's worth, I wouldn't attach any stigma to it (though you may think differently). It's worth paying the money and spending the time talking to a professional who may have a greater degree of insight into how you can break out of your shell than anyone here may have.

I'd recommend reading 'Emotional Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman. I think it's one of those books where you dismiss it as ridiculous, because *everyone* knows this stuff, or where you have this forehead-slapping-why-didn't-I-look-at-it-that-way-before reaction to it. Good book.

Social skills are learned. Put yourself around people who are good socially. Look at how they act, try to understand why they act that way. The more time you spend around people who are socially adept, the more they'll rub off on you.

You're not going to turn into a whole new person over night, or over a couple of months, or even over a couple of years. Change doesn't happen nearly as quick as we'd often like it to. Deal with it.

alantc

I heard that 93% of Dutch prostitutes tested negative for HIV.

newestUser

alantc wrote: »

I heard that 93% of Dutch prostitutes tested negative for HIV.

What the f*ck is wrong with you? Not a joking matter!

Wibbs

alantc cop on or take an enforced break

nomadphase

alantc wrote: »

I heard that 93% of Dutch prostitutes tested negative for HIV.

newestUser wrote: »

What the f*ck is wrong with you? Not a joking matter!

While the response from alantc might not have been in the best taste, it is, in my opinion, a fair point. This combined with protection from a condom might be sufficient protection for some people to feel comfortable with a greatly reduced risk.

It may also be possible for the OP to reduce the risks by exercising some care in his choice of prostitute, he may ask to see proof of their being clear of HIV and other STIs. If this is forthcoming he may be in a position to proceed with the transaction with a massively reduced fear of infection.

Furthermore, Amsterdam is a great city which is well worth visiting. There is much else to see there, all the more reason to pay a visit.

Just my two cents.

LegacyUser

Futurama FAN wrote: »

I never seem to have the courage to talk to women I like and the weird thing is I do not fear rejection which makes it worse. I just simply freeze out or just start blabbering my words.

Another fact that rails against me is I have very little male friends as I never developed these through school and college mainly from fear of being dubbed gay.

I am also still a virgin and recently it has being crushing me and I was tempted to give Amsterdam or Nevada a try but I don't have the guts for it as I would be paranoid of catching something, i'd probably hate myself anyway for it.

Three issues:
1. gaining confidence with girls you find attractive. (Are you ok with girls you don't find attractive? Don't understand your comment about NOT fearing rejection.)

2. You need more friends! Are you over the fear of being called gay if you have friends of the same sex?

3. Dunno why the other posters have gone off on the Amsterdam route. HeSAID he's probably hate himself! And same has been said in recent similar threads.

You need to make more friends, get out and about, do things that interest you, get physical exercise, as you gain self-confidence the rest will come. If you look at the other similar threads, women are generally quite forgiving of lack of experience - more fun to learn together.

LegacyUser

Max_Damage you diagnosis of Love Shyness seems pretty accurate and having read that encyclopaedia article it is me to a Tee give or take a few things. I am great with women who I know or who I would not be physically attracted to, this has caused trouble also as some of these women would then take a liking to me.

I am not the type of fella that just hits on the first dizzy blonde he sees and personality is key for me, however I can't gauge personality as I usually get a good enough conversation going.

As for the whole travelling abroad thing it was something I thought of as a solution to the whole virginity chestnut, however I'd swap a 10hr s*x session with a nympho for 10minutes of some special space and peck on cheek from the right person. I know it sounds girly and chick flick type stuff but I am very conservative and am not at all a risk taker. People have recommended that I just get hammered drunk and let nature take it's course but alcohol brings out the worst in me plus I can't stand the taste of the stuff.

thanks for all the suggestions

__plec__

Hey, i was in a very similar situation to you, the one thing i picked up on rather than the talking to women thing is that you said you went out for the first time in nearly 2 years. i used to be the same, id never go out, i was terrible at chatting to women, then i found out i had a thing called social phobia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_phobia. i read this and it basically describe who i had become.

I also think that the fact you were worried about beig branded gay shows that you probably overthink situations, i used to play things over and over in my head to make sure i didnt /wouldnt do anything stupid,i know this sounds silly.

The thing is that you believe you're terrible at chatting up girls, and once you believe something then it will be reflected in your actions.Its not something that is easy to change on your own though, last year i finally found someone who could help me, got into positive thinking etc and my life has changed completely,for the first time in my life i feel comfortable with myself.
I can give you a link if you want.

I may be wrong with my diagnosis of you, but i do think its coming from a negative view of yourself, which if yo can change will open the world up to you, hope this is of some help, would be happy to chat more if you're interested

Take care

newestUser

nomadphase wrote: »

While the response from alantc might not have been in the best taste, it is, in my opinion, a fair point. This combined with protection from a condom might be sufficient protection for some people to feel comfortable with a greatly reduced risk.

It may also be possible for the OP to reduce the risks by exercising some care in his choice of prostitute, he may ask to see proof of their being clear of HIV and other STIs. If this is forthcoming he may be in a position to proceed with the transaction with a massively reduced fear of infection.

Furthermore, Amsterdam is a great city which is well worth visiting. There is much else to see there, all the more reason to pay a visit.

Just my two cents.

Nah, that's rubbish.

You can't endorse this kind of behaviour by saying that the odds are against HIV transmission occurring. That's true, they are, but that's not the same as saying it can't occur. You're planting the seed of thought into someone's head that they're never going to contract HIV in this kind of encounter. Which is bull. Keep doing it long enough (and, if it was a regular part of your life, we're not necessarily talking centuries here) you'll catch it.

And if a large number of people are doing this, at least some of them are going to contract HIV. Maybe they won't even bother getting tested because they believe it's not possible they could be positive! Also, the more people that are HIV positive in a population, the more it's going to spread. You may end up with a situation like South Africa, which has the worst AIDS epidemic on the planet.

I don't mean to scare the bejesus out of people who have had intercourse with a pro in Amsterdam. It's highly unlikely they're HIV positive. *Highly* unlikely, but possible. And going on message boards and telling potentially large numbers of people that it's ok to shag someone who has a 1 in 14ish chance of being HIV positive as long as you rubber up, is just plain irresponsible. It's like telling people that drink driving is ok.

And as for asking to see proof of a prostitutes STI status, lol. What do you think they'll tell you? Only way to be sure is to get a blood test and wait a couple of months, and tell them to stop seeing punters in the interim. Not going to happen buddy.

FFS people. Stop saying that it's ok to see prostitutes. It's not. It exposes you to unacceptable risks, and it doesn't solve the OPs problem in any case.

nomadphase

newestUser wrote: »

Nah, that's rubbish.

You can't endorse this kind of behaviour by saying that the odds are against HIV transmission occurring. That's true, they are

FFS people. Stop saying that it's ok to see prostitutes. It's not. It exposes you to unacceptable risks, and it doesn't solve the OPs problem in any case.

I did not endorse visiting prostitutes. I said that there are actions which OP may take to reduce the risks of contracting HIV. I did not state the risks be acceptable or unacceptable, I cannot make that decision for him.

Whether it will solve his problem or not, it is still relevant information.

LegacyUser

What I would recommend is you try out a program called Second Life. I know it seems strange and contradictory. But it really did seem to break down a few barriers for me.

newestUser

Is it just me, or are spammers/cults/'life-coaches' etc targetting this thread?

vorbis

Futurama Fan, the links thedude52 posted would be very helpful to you. You need to learn social skills. For some reason you never developed them. Those sites are good at breaking down the dynamics behind talking to people and giving you a framework to use. I was in a similar situation up to a few years ago. I wouldn't suggest buying anything though. There's plenty of free information.

Everyone assumes that you should have basic social skills by your twenties so its hard to get help for it. It'll be tough but you can improve! You probably do have a fear of rejection though. You'll need to face that rather than deny it.

/OT
Newestuser, you're spouting seriously mis informed information about HIV transmission rates. With a condom, a straight male has an EXTREMELY tiny chance of contracting the disease. You'll probably die of a car accident first. Without a condom, the infection rate for a straight male is around 1 in 300 (for a single encounter).

You're even wrong about how long it takes to test for HIV. I did a test for it as part of my regular checkup. Took 2 weeks to get the results (all clear)

newestUser

*Shrug* I'm aware of the transmission rate of HIV. But condoms don't completely eliminate the risk. They bring it down to a tiny level, but don't completely eliminate it.

I'm not au-fait with the waiting period associated with various STI screenings. So, I'll give you that.

However, I thought that you can't get tested immediately after an encounter for several months, because HIV won't show up in your system immediately. Hence, the requirement to wait several months to take a test. If the OP (or anyone for that matter) is a worryer, that's something that might bug them.

If enough people have protected sex with a group of people where there is a high incidence of HIV, condoms or no, eventually someone's going to contract it. And yes, it may be as likely as getting killed in a car crash on your way to work, but just because it's a remote chance, doesn't mean it should be dismissed. Telling people that sex with prostitutes in Amsterdam is probably going to be ok is like spreading the message that driving without your seatbelt on, or driving with 1/2 pints in you, probably won't cause any harm. Yeah, you're right, it probably won't, on an individual basis, but I wouldn't like this attitude to become widespread.

gollyitsolly

Ive never read such crap in my life.(well i have really),from all these dodaaaas! Sweetheart,if you are not meeting the women or making the connections its because you are not being yourself! Stop trying to be interesting,witty, handsome,clever,studdy,seducuctive........or any of those other things that scare women off. Just be normal. Dont go to a club or pub with that desperate look on you face. Go in, buy a drink, dance by yourself to your favourite song. Love yourself first, before anyone can love you! Lads, love your mates and look after each other, not compete with each other.

ballymary

hey, dont beat yourself up...i think most irish guys suffer from the nerves when dealing with the ladies, the nice ones do anyway! not drinking is an advantage-girls hate when a guy comes up to them at 2am smelling of all sorts and falling on top of them drunk...i think you should start off by observing girls when you go out and see which ones seem "nice"...any girl would appreciate a good guy, as for rejection-its part of it-you cant expect every girl to like you-the same way you wouldnt like every girl...you have to learn to blow it off and move on...if you aint in-you cant win!! please dont go to a prostitute-its degrading to women if nothing else and im sure you would like your first time to be more meaningful?