making the first move

crused

I recently broke up from a long term relationship which was pretty dead for a few months before getting proper closure.
Now, there is a younger guy who is a very close friend and colleague. He has been incredibly supportive to me recently and I have been crushing on him hard.
He is not my 'usual type' but I have started fantasizing about being with him.
I have no idea if he would be interested, and really want to bring it up and find out but don't want to damage the already complex friendship in which I often act as a mentor to him.
Should I make the first move and tell him how I have been feeling?
Would doing so change or damage the current relationship?

Wibbs

If you're truly over the previous relationship. If you've moved on and learned from the previous relationship, then it's not a rebound. This varies with people and time and how they've used that time. OK that's that outa the way.

The age thing is a factor. The mentor and friendship thing is a factor. The not knowing how he feels is a factor. Its how you approach this is the biggest factor. I have found that the factors that worry someone before they start a relationship are 9 times out of 10 what will split a couple up.

OK that's that outa the way Part II.:D

Look at how you feel and what you may lose or gain from making such a move. I personally would say go for it. State your case. Life is too short for regrets.

Overheal

You never truly know until you try. Shouldn't be a big declaration, should it? If theres a physical attraction there it will be obvious when you both started lip locking.

Liam Byrne

Gotta question 3 words in there:

1. What's "recently" ?
2. What's "long term" ?
3. What's "proper closure" ?

And if all three of those have been completely sorted, why mention them at all ? Why not just post, as typed, except starting after where the "Now, " is ?

Marksie

Its a complex one, crused and only you can examine whether your feelings are "real" or have developed from your fantasies or are as a result from the freedom you have from your relationship.

Having come out of one are you ready to launch into another?

Particularly where the existing dynamic is complex.

If you can establish whether or not you are simply transferring need and desire, then go for it.
However if it is a runnerg then you really need to understand how he would react to this change from freinds to lovers and the possible ramifications of such a thing, particularly given the fact you are just out of a relationship

Of course he may not be interested, but that is a chance you take. How would you feel if he rejected you on that front?

if you weigh up the options..and decide to go for it. Then go for it 100%.

crused

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Gotta question 3 words in there:

1. What's "recently" ?
2. What's "long term" ?
3. What's "proper closure" ?

And if all three of those have been completely sorted, why mention them at all ? Why not just post, as typed, except starting after where the "Now, " is ?

Recently is one week, but we had both been ignoring the fact that we really weren't together any more. We hadn't been together in over three months and had fallen into more of a friendship.
long term is over four years
proper closure is both admitting that we were over and were wanting to go our separate ways (ie other relationships)

The reason for mentioning them is because my own system of checks and balances is taking these things into account and causing me to question the whole situation.

crused

Marksie wrote: »

Its a complex one, crused and only you can examine whether your feelings are "real" or have developed from your fantasies or are as a result from the freedom you have from your relationship.

I think this is the real crux of my problem tbh.
I tend to over analyse a lot for starters.
I have spent the last week trying to figure out what and where my feelings were coming from. I have back tracked over the last number of months in my mind and come to the conclusion that there were the initial sparks of curiosity. When I got closure from my last relationship it seemed that there was a floodgate of raw emotion which took quite a lot of figuring out and sorting out. Quantifying the reasons for this floodgate have been an issue. Were they so intense because of classic rebound, or were they because I finally found myself free to feel again?
I am currently swaying more with the second option! But there remains a seed of doubt driven by the overall complexity of the situation.

Marksie

crused wrote: »

I think this is the real crux of my problem tbh.
I tend to over analyse a lot for starters.
.

Yes, we can all do that at times crused.

The one thing for me would be the "colleague" and "mentor", I take it that it at work?

But I can easily see how these feelings have transferred.

Somtimes though you just have to stop analysing and make a decision one way or the other. Nothing in life is guaranteed and its too short not to take chances.


If you want it, and decide the risk is worth it. Then go for it totally :-)

Wibbs

crused wrote: »

Recently is one week, but we had both been ignoring the fact that we really weren't together any more. We hadn't been together in over three months and had fallen into more of a friendship.
long term is over four years
proper closure is both admitting that we were over and were wanting to go our separate ways (ie other relationships)

The reason for mentioning them is because my own system of checks and balances is taking these things into account and causing me to question the whole situation.

I would have a fairly sensitive rebound detector:), but I think this is not even close to being an issue in this case.

In which case we're back to standard nerves at starting a relationship. Not to belittle those worries or anything like that, I would say go for it. I really would.

jdivision

Ask him out for a beer, if things seem to be going well go for it