I want to **** her up

LegacyUser

Last September I began a pretty intense relationship with a girl. We were getting along just fine and then out of the blue one day close to Christmas she said she wanted to break up. It came as a shock as we'd spent the previous weekend together and it'd been great. She'd made this decision in the space of a week.
She went on to outline the reasons for breaking up and compared me unfavourably (I won't go into details) with previous boyfriends. Obviously this added to the shock and hurt.

A couple of weeks later she emailed me to say she needed back a few items she'd left in my apartment, including her only set of keys for a holiday home she owns. The email was all business: no, "how's things?" or "hope you're ok", which made me feel 2 inches tall. That was the only contact we had since and I didn't reply.

While in hindsight I feel I might've had a lucky escape - she showed some symptoms of being a basket case - I just feel like burning her cr*p and throwing her keys into a lake. When I was with her I treated her great and paid for everything and I feel like causing her some expense as revenge being a mean selfish bitch. Also, every time she puts a key into the new lock she'll have to fit, she'll remember what happened.

I know we aren't going to get back together - don't want to - and that doing this won't make me feel any better, but I'd feel like a sap just handing her stuff back as though nothing has happened...

The thing that most surprises me about myself is that I've met someone new who's worth a 100 of my ex and is great for me, but I still can't deal with this revenge loose end...

...I'm sick, aren't I?

Overheal

Right now Ive got a flaming housemate who thinks as a result of moving out im trying to ruin her life, so shes done a 180 and has started to spit bile at me.

I cant understand the behavior to be honest. Isnt it enough to break off and remember the good times? Is it really worth it in the end to bury it all under a pile of bad feelings?

One day or another you will try to look at the good times again and you wont be able to until you dig through the metres thick layer of dirt first. My advice is to not go there. More than once i've seen someone (this girl, actually) do horrible things to people that cross her only to later have to try and reconcile with them. I just dont get it. Why put yourself through that? Revenge is an empty satisfaction.

biko

Even though you're hurting from the sudden breakup I don't think you should be anything other than civil. Put her stuff in a box and give it to someone else for her to pick up.

Dragan

Not really, your just reacting the way people do when they get dumped. It happens.

My advice would be to let her know when she can collect her stuff from you and just leave it in a box on the porch for her to collect and walk away with.

Let her know you have no real desire to see her again and move on dude.

LegacyUser

Be the bigger man. Give her her stuff back and don't make a big deal out of it. Deal with your hurt feelings yourself, don't assume she deserves to be punished. You might never know why she changed her mind, and who knows, maybe you're better off not knowing. You spent some time together, had a nice time, and now it's finished. Deal with it and move on.

Lemming

Harsh dude, harsh.

TBH I think you've had a lucky escape. The whole comparing with previous boyfriends is a bit unfair on the whole, so she's done you a favour in showing what she's like I guess.

Just come out of this with some dignity. You'll feel better for it. She probably wont care either way and doesn't so trying to turn the screws on her is most likely a complete waste of time emotionally. Just drop the keys at her feet like they're excrement, and just turn your back and walk away without saying a word. She's not worth one more moment of emotional time or effort on your part.

How Strange

+1 for Dragans comments.

IMO, in these situations dignity is always the best revenge. If you are composed and civil (no said anything about friendly - that would be stupid) she will be suprised because she is probably expecting you to be vengeful.

It makes it look like 'why would I want to be spiteful, you weren't that important to me'

It may seem superficial but as long as she isn't given the satisfaction of seeing you all wound up then it doesn't matter. You can thrown darts at pictures of her at home if thats what you want to do as long as she doesn't know about it.

Karen_*

Don't do anything as revenge because what will haunt you in the future is not how you were treated but they way you behaved. Revenge is not the way and apart from a temporary feeling of triumph you will be left feeling bad about yourself.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, don't sink to her level. Just give her the stuff back and get her out of your life. You're well rid

How Strange

Lemming... Harsh dude, harsh.
TBH I think you've had a lucky escape. The whole comparing with previous boyfriends is a bit unfair on the whole, so she's done you a favour in showing what she's like I guess.

Just come out of this with some dignity. You'll feel better for it. She probably wont care either way and doesn't so trying to turn the screws on her is most likely a complete waste of time emotionally. Just drop the keys at her feet like they're excrement, and just turn your back and walk away without saying a word. She's not worth one more moment of emotional time or effort on your part.

Weird feeling of deja vue here!

AngryBadger

Tell her you're busy but that you'll happily leave her stuff in a box outside your door.

Lux23

She hurt you granted but the best way to get at her is to get on with your life and your new girlfriend. Im sure she will be more annoyed if you seem not to care about her then if you go all bunny boiler on her. It will haunt you for life and you don't want to be her psycho ex story she brings out for a laugh at dinner parties.

BaZmO*

No point in destroying her stuff as it'll just give her an excuse to say that you're the psycho.
If you know where she lives/works (which I assume you do) just get her stuff and put it in a box and either do it yourself or get a friend to drop the stuff off there. Don't arrange a situation were you actually have to meet up with her.

Dudess

I agree with all the above but I would include in my equally cold and official-feeling responding email "Household bills will be in the post shortly so I may as well ask for your contribution now: please send a cheque for x amount and made payable to me. Regards." She actually would have incurred expenses from staying over, and while these can usually be overlooked, I think it's fair enough for the OP to make the point that she can't just forget the fact he was very generous to her. Yeah yeah, there was nothing wrong with it at the time, but if she was going to break up with him she could have at least expressed a little gratitude - for everything he invested in her, not just the financial aspect.

Sorry to hear it, OP, but other than the above, do yourself a favour and move on. Plenty of us gals aren't high maintenance and neurotic - hard to believe but it's true!

LegacyUser

Thanks Dudess,

I know there are plenty of women who appreciate a generous man. Meaness is bad enough in itself, but I think it also points to deeper flaws.

In hindsight she wasn't even good-looking enough to qualify for high-maintenance allowance!

adsgirl

Your not sick, she sounds like a right bitch and you are better off just packing up her belongings, leave them outside the door, send her a text to come and collect them then delete her number.
Then get on with enjoying your new relationship.

BaZmO*

Dudess wrote: »

I agree with all the above but I would include in my equally cold and official-feeling responding email "Household bills will be in the post shortly so I may as well ask for your contribution now: please send a cheque for x amount and made payable to me. Regards." She actually would have incurred expenses from staying over, and while these can usually be overlooked, I think it's fair enough for the OP to make the point that she can't just forget the fact he was very generous to her. Yeah yeah, there was nothing wrong with it at the time, but if she was going to break up with him she could have at least expressed a little gratitude - for everything he invested in her, not just the financial aspect.

Sorry to hear it, OP, but other than the above, do yourself a favour and move on. Plenty of us gals aren't high maintenance and neurotic - hard to believe but it's true!

Ah I wouldn't do that as it would just seem petty and in fairness out of order as she wasn't actually living with him.

Stuff back, number deleted, no contact.

Zombrex

funwubc wrote: »

It came as a shock as we'd spent the previous weekend together and it'd been great.
...
Obviously this added to the shock and hurt.
...
The email was all business: no, "how's things?" or "hope you're ok", which made me feel 2 inches tall.
...
I feel like causing her some expense as revenge being a mean selfish bitch.

Well the first thing I would recommend is you get over this nonsense.

She is a "mean selfish bitch"? Why exactly? Because she broke up with you? You bought her stuff so what? she owes you a girlfriend?

That isn't the way it works.

She didn't want to go out with you so she broke up with you. That is normal. That is correct. You need to get over it. Feeling that she has done some massive wrong to you for simply breaking up with you, is just silly and makes you look nuts.

Secondly give her back her stuff.

It's her stuff, and again if you hold on to it or do something stupid like burn it that just makes you look really nuts.

In which case you would need to ask yourself why do you think she broke up with you in the first place ...

Liam Byrne

If this was 3 weeks ago, I'd have been off on a rant identifying with a decent amount of what the OP wrote....when I saw the thread title and the bit about "September" and "intense", I though I might've posted myself in a drunken stupor but no, the holiday home reference cleared that up for me.....plus (in my case) it wasn't so much a sudden change of heart as a 3 week hot-and-cold headwreck which finally got me to deliver a "cop yourself on, or else".

Now, I just look back and state the obvious: some girls can't seem to cope with being with decent guys; they blow full steam ahead at the start, freak themselves out at the intensity, and then start playing silly games - that's great if they just want the odd shag or whatever, but if they act that way that's the type of guy they'll end up getting - maybe a different one every week, leaving the good ones behind.

Revenge is best left for the psychos themselves.....if you let it eat you up, it'll screw up your future relationships; write yourself off as damn lucky, like I did, and (if it comes to it) the best revenge is in dealing with it with dignity and maybe (assuming she has an ounce of decency in there somewhere) the sting in the tail might be when she comes to realise that you've handled it with dignity, and that she let a decent one go.

Give her back her stuff.....you don't really want to be reminded anyway, especially as she appears to have done you a favour of sorts and left you free to find a far better option for yourself.

St Bill

OP, you talk about your girlfirend having the makings of being a basket-case, and in the very next line you talk about burning her stuff! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. And maybe she went on to outline reasons why she broke up with you because you might've asked her why she was breaking up with you (you don't say in your post whether or not you'd asked her for a reason for the break-up).
It looks to me that you're blaming her for how you're feeling now, even going so far as to say that she's ugly. Why did you go out with her if you didn't find her attractive?
If you carry these feelings with you, you'll never get over her no matter how much you might deny it. Start anew with your current girlfriend, if you see your ex, treat her with the courtesy you'd expect for yourself. Give her back her stuff, and as other posters have said, arrange it so you don't have to meet her (no point poking at the wound!!)

Susannahmia

Hey be the bigger person here and give her back the stuff. You will look pathetic if you don't give it back and that will make her happy. You know the best form of revenge is to pretend you don't care and are well over it, believe me the fact that she is so forgetable to you will bug her more than having to change a lock. Give them back your self and act dignified be polite but quick about it and slightly indifferent, leave quickly like you have something more important to do .

dresden8

funwubc wrote: »

Thanks Dudess,

IIn hindsight she wasn't even good-looking enough to qualify for high-maintenance allowance!

Aaahhhh, the beginning of healing. Give her the stuff back and tell everyone that she's gotten a fat arse since you broke up. That'll learn her.

Wibbs

Be the bigger man, don't fight basketcasery with basketcasery. OK so she left out of the blue. Unless she really is a basket case there were probably signs.

First and foremost it got intense too quickly. In my experience the faster something gets intense the faster it dies.

Now if there were no signs or obvious reasons for the split, then chalk it up to experience. I've gone out with more than one nutjob and if they split with me, yes it was hurtful etc, but better that than stuck with them in the long term.

togster

What wibbs said!
You are essentially in control. So be the better person and grow up.:)

Bottle_of_Smoke

I have sympathy but you need to cop on. She can break up with you whenever she feels like it just as you could have if, for example you found someone you liked better.

I understand it hurts a lot because it was intense but all's fair in love & ice cream. Perhaps there's more to this than you want to include in your post & it's a bit crap of her to be so formal in the email, though, come on, it's her stuff. It'll help you to get over her to get this out of the way. Just make sure you don't bring it to her, get her to pick it up from you.

LegacyUser

Susannahmia wrote: »

Hey be the bigger person here and give her back the stuff. You will look pathetic if you don't give it back and that will make her happy. You know the best form of revenge is to pretend you don't care and are well over it, believe me the fact that she is so forgetable to you will bug her more than having to change a lock. Give them back your self and act dignified be polite but quick about it and slightly indifferent, leave quickly like you have something more important to do .

Have to agree with this statement.I know you might still be hurt and don't want her back but it seems you are in the process of moving on especially now that you have a new girlfriend.

In fact,if she wanted to be so hurtful by comparing you to past boyfriends then you are lucky to have broken up believe me.

However,if you really want to get back at her,my advice is as follows.It doesn't make you out to be the smaller person but it will leave her with plenty to think about and make her feel as small as you felt before.

Without being seen as obviously vengeful/vindictive,ring her and tell her that you'll leave her stuff in a box outside your front door (do not include the keys btw) and if she asks why you won't give them to her face to face or if you get the chance,in passing tell her that you'll be taking your girlfriend out to dinner/out for the day (to somewhere magnificient but again don't sound obvious that you are trying to rub it in,say it in a normal manner).This will be your reason for not meeting her on the day.

She'll then realise that A) she feels ridiculous having a box of her belongings in her hands looking foolish and that she is insignificant because she wasn't dealt with in a warm manner You have moved on with a new/better girl and all she's worth is a collection of her stuff in a cardboard box and C) she might just get a bit jealous that you moved on so quick after her that it really didn't take long to get over her.

Believe me,a lot of girls like to feel they have a certain power/effect on a guy and that even if she doesn't want you,she doesn't like the idea of anybody else having you.Thats more in relation to C).Thats how a lot of girls work.

The key to feeling better and making her feel bad about herself (which she deserves by hurting you in an insensitive manner) is to be cold with her.Make her feel insignificant without being obvious that you are just out to hurt her.Throw her key in the water if it makes you feel better but do not brag about it just to hurt her.Use it as a mechanism to make yourself feel better privately.She going to pissed off that the key was "lost" anyway.That way she won't know that she got to you in the first place and you can sit back and laugh at her privately.

Thats my 2 cents anyway.Good luck.

*Murphy*

dude..................... think about it this way... if you broke up with her, you would want your stuff back and if she wanted to 'fcuk up' you would think she had some kind of mental illness. and would want to have nothing to do with her. you broke up. move on get over it. be the man you claim you are give her her stuff back and remember the good times. at the end of the day its jus life.... and as ya say now ya have a better girl.being bitter and wanted revenge is like drinking poision and wishing the other person would die

LegacyUser

*Murphy* wrote: »

revenge is like drinking poision and wishing the other person would die

You're right. I'm like Gollum hanging onto the ring. Looking for a showbox now to post her stuff to her in.

Thanks for the advice everyone,

Joe

Wibbs

Yea nice way of putting it murphy or as your Chinese cousin puts it "before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves".

nomorebadtown

funwubc wrote: »

compared me unfavourably (I won't go into details) with previous boyfriends.

for me, this means this person is a complete bitch. good riddance. dump her stuff if it makes u feel better but it probably wont.

Jigsaw

Agree with posts above telling the OP to be a bigger man. However, I feel that generally speaking revenge gets a bad press. I think that in certain circumstances revenge is exactly what is needed.

nixion

how sure are you that the new girl you have is better than your x girlfriend. let me suggest to you something if you were to break with this new girl and find another you would say the same words. you are a man and you really love the first girl just call her and tell her you would like to meet her and be nice to her. this will do miracles. i promise you

Wibbs

nixion wrote: »

how sure are you that the new girl you have is better than your x girlfriend.

Have you actually read the post? She split up with him, compared him "unfavourably" to exes and may or may not be in basketcase territory

let me suggest to you something if you were to break with this new girl and find another you would say the same words.

Huh? Psychic?

you are a man

The point being?

and you really love the first girl

Not exactly established. He's just got some fixation with the old revenge thing. Hardly a recipe for love now, is it?

just call her and tell her you would like to meet her and be nice to her. this will do miracles.

Ehhhh no it won't. Not outside cheesy romance flicks. If she doesn't want him as a boyfriend, pretty much nothing he can do will change her mind. If she did want him as a boyfriend, pretty much nothing he will do will change her mind either. Join the dots. It'll be her choice, so unless you're the OP's ex and you know how she feels, then him asking her out nicely won't work.

Plus unless she was mad she wouldn't have left in the first place if she loved him. In any case, not exactly fair on the new squeeze, is it?

LegacyUser

Nixion,

There's an acid test I do to see whether I really miss an ex, it's this:

Hypothetically, say she rang me post-breakup and said she was pregnant. After the initial shock, would I be glad she was going to be the mother of my child? Despite our differences, would she be a responsible, level-headed mother in whose care (and with my help)my child would be safe and well brought up?
Some of my exes pass the test, some don't. Miss recent falls into the latter category.


Jigsaw,

I'm inclined to agree with you. While I'd consider myself an educated, empathic and - threadstarter nothwithstanding - sane individual, I do think sometimes one can be TOO civilised: that if they push you far enough, sometimes people merit the threat of violence (except women) or destruction to property.

estar

lowers you, not the other person

it makes you look and feel bad.

give her back her keys and move on

requiem1

i had a pretty **** break up just at christmas and you'll feel much better if you just give her back her stuff even though she probably doesn't deserve it and then just delete her from your life and that means everything; phonenumbers email etc. you've met someone new so forgetting about her will be easy.

milli

OP sounds like you're much much better off without this girl, no one deserves the treatment you got BUT not returning her things would be a petty thing to do. Prove to her that you're over her; face her and give her her things. At least then you can get some 'closure'!