g/fs 21st birthday

Sephiroth_dude

MY G/FS birthday is coming up in feb,and ive told her that I dont want to go to it,shes said its ok,but i know shes not ok with it,is it bad that im not going to go to it?iI went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......I just wanna know if people think its wrong that im not going

thanks

DSB

Of course its wrong. You know that yourself without asking anyone really. Its her big night and you're being selfish.

biko

You can maybe offer to take her to a lavish dinner beforehand and then make some excuse to not be at the party.
Tbh, you should make the effort to go this once.

dudara

It is her 21st birthday, and she is going to be disappointed that you're not there, no matter what she tells you.

Make an effort. If she know you, she will know the effort that you're making and will truly appreciate it. You don't have to stay the whole night, but get out there and be with her for a while.

LegacyUser

You should go. People aren't going to be paying attention to you anyway.

Teddi

echoing what the other posters have said, yes you SHOULD GO!

use Biko's advice and take her out somewhere nice for din din's,

and go to her party but even just make an appearance, you dont have to stay the whole night, she'd be far Far more appreciative that you came and made the effort, even though it was only for a short time than not go at all...

I gaurntee that you will have horrible regretful feelings after, thinking on some level that you let her down.

Go for an hour, have an excuse handy.......you'll be fine.. Im sure she understands your situation and would love even if you came for a short while..

you'll be far more pleased that you went after

Recon

Is the only reason you don't want to go because you're shy?

If it is I'd really suggest to still go! I know from friend's past experiences that missing a 21st birthday, when you're not dying in a bed somewhere, will put serious strain on the relationship.

Mr. Incognito

Go- and bring a mate for support if that's what you need.

Mazeire

Go. You will be looking at a break up if you don't. I know it will be difficult for you but you will be putting her in a really crap position of having to explain to all her friends and family why you aren't there over and over again for the whole night. Which i'd be pretty certain is not how she will want to remember her 21st.

Melion

How old are you just out of interest?

Susannahmia

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

MY G/FS birthday is coming up in feb,and ive told her that I dont want to go to it,shes said its ok,but i know shes not ok with it,is it bad that im not going to go to it?iI went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......I just wanna know if people think its wrong that im not going

thanks

Yes its wrong and really selfish. If you were my boyfriend I would be, 1. Really hurt and 2. Embarrassed because I would have to explain to everyone why you didn't bother to turn up. Who is going to give her her 21st kiss?! You're her boyfriend and you are expected to go. You should make the effort.

It sounds like you might be suffering from social phobia, maybe you should take a visit to your GP if this is interfering with your life. No one is really interested in staring at you they are far too concerned with themselves!

Cathmandooo

Agree with the above, it would be very selfish of you to not go and your girlfriend wont like you not being there. It's your gf people will be looking at, not you :rolleyes: be a grown up please.

As Susannahmia said go to your gp if you have some 'phobia' or 'condition'.

Sephiroth_dude

Melion wrote: »

How old are you just out of interest?

21 why?

Daithio

Do you smoke alot of hash? If you do it probably doesn't suit you and you should stop. If you don't then you should probably see a psychologist.

The Real B-man

Cathooo wrote: »

Agree with the above, it would be very selfish of you to not go and your girlfriend wont like you not being there. It's your gf people will be looking at, not you :rolleyes: be a grown up please.

As Susannahmia said go to your gp if you have some 'phobia' or 'condition'.

+1
why would people be staring at you? unless theres something obviously different about you..? what age are you seems childish behaviour imo.

Colonel_McCoy

Dont be so selfish............how will your gf look if her bf does not turn up. All her friends and family be there wondering what the hell is she doing with some maggot of a guy who wont turn up his own gf's 21st. PATHETIC she should dump you now!

JustCoz

Definitely go. Even if she says it's ok it's not. If my boyfriend didn't come to any birthday of mine for no good reason I'd be very pissed off and a 21st would be way worse

LegacyUser

take it easy, the guy's obviously shy as all hell.

anyways, get in there and be kiss 21, it's tradition

If you feel isolated from proceedings then get involved and talk to the people there, try not to be so standoff-ish. Get to know the people who are in your gf's life, they could be the in-laws one day.

tbh

Not only should you go, but you should go and make a huge effort to look like you are enjoying yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't go under protest, give her the gift of letting her have her night with you there. This is the price you pay for all the good stuff you get out of the relationship, and if you're not willing to pay it, you don't deserve the good stuff.

K_P

tbh wrote: »

Not only should you go, but you should go and make a huge effort to look like you are enjoying yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't go under protest, give her the gift of letting her have her night with you there. This is the price you pay for all the good stuff you get out of the relationship, and if you're not willing to pay it, you don't deserve the good stuff.

+1

In your heart you know it's wrong of you not to go. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

WindSock

The fact that you feel really uncomfortable when you go out because people are looking at you suggests you may have bigger problems. You need to get yourself sorted out so you have lead a normal, healthy social life.

event

yeah, not to sound harsh, but suck it up

you're shy, you dont have two heads.
if you arent there, not only will she notice, but so will everyone else. She will be asked by everyone "where is X?" and she will probably have to lie

dont make her do this, its not fair and could ruin her night

go and enjoy yourself, its what, 5 hours?

Drift

She'll probably feel very bad when it comes to the 21 kisses and her bf isn't there to give the last one. I'd say bite the bullet and go. We all have to do things we don't want to sometimes in order to make people we love happy.

Actually the fact that it will make her happy should be something that would make you want to do it.

Beruthiel

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

I went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it.

If you are finding it difficult to attend a birthday party because of the above, then you need to speak to a prefessional asap.
If you allow this kind of thing rule your life it's going to be a pretty miserable one. Most people look forward to doing stuff like this with their partner.
It's time to gain some confidence and self esteem, it won't come to you, you have to make it happen. You'll be a happier person if you try.

thecheese

I'm surprised there's not another thread on here written by your girlfriend asking should she put up with this!

Seriously, you need to go. If your anxiety over it is that bad, as other posters have said, you should seek help over this.

GrumPy

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

MY G/FS birthday is coming up in feb,and ive told her that I dont want to go to it,shes said its ok,but i know shes not ok with it,is it bad that im not going to go to it?iI went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......I just wanna know if people think its wrong that im not going

thanks

Force yourself to go, have a few drinks, look happy, and she will be delighted you made the effort. and possibly thank you later

Femelade

oh god, you have to go!!
i would kill my boyfriend if he didnt go to somethign as important as that.
her family will probably be there and what will she say to him, of my boyfriend isnt here cos he's too shy...i doubt they will be impressed with that kind of excuse either.
Dont be mean, bring a friend or something...just be there!!

Wibbs

OK. If you do think you have a mental issue, get help.

If you don't then for God's sake grow a pair and man up.

To not go to a night as important as this for someone you doubtless claim to love, is selfish to a crazy degree. Shyness is one thing, most go through some phase of it.

In most cases I would hazard a guess that it's not a mental issue either. In most cases it's a self centered glitch. You assume everyone going to be looking at you. You assume everybody gives more of a damn than they actually do. You assume everybody see the issues you have about yourself. Guess what? They don't. They've got their own crap to be dealing with. Thinking about you to the degree you think they do is frankly too much bother.

You have two choices. Grow out of this and fast, or spend your life as a wallflower.

If you have a social phobia, then the best way to lose it is to face it and keep facing it until your brain gets pissed off with the fight or flight response. You were clearly not too shy if you got a woman in the first place.

In addition your girlfriend will leave you. Fact. Indeed if she was a mate of mine and she told me this I would advise her to do so and find someone who has the empathy to think about her, or someone who sees a problem in him that effects their life together and chooses to sort it out. It is a choice BTW.

Basically stop being self centered. It's not all about you. When you figure that one out, your shyness will be eased a lot.

The above may sound harsh, but if you mollycoddle yourself or others feed into that, it'll likely do you no good. In any case it's just my opinion.

nice1franko

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......

Why would people be staring at you??

Maybe you're ego's got the better of you. I'm sure people have better things to be doing than stare at you all night.

spinandscribble

why are you in a relationship if the world revolves around you to the extent you cant be in one?
noone would stare at you for being shy, if anything they wont even notice you. that is unless you just stare at them when they try and talk to you.
the nights about her. alot of ppl are shy but they dont treat their gfs badly to suit it.
i you're really serious and this isnt a joke, go get help.

Magic Pips

Hey Dude,

This does sound like a problem you should work on getting over, you look normal so i doubt people are looking at you. Try to concentrate on your missus for the night, focus your attention on her and forget anyone elses.

Failing that flashbang em all!

Juju

spinandscribble

tbh wrote: »

Not only should you go, but you should go and make a huge effort to look like you are enjoying yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't go under protest, give her the gift of letting her have her night with you there. This is the price you pay for all the good stuff you get out of the relationship, and if you're not willing to pay it, you don't deserve the good stuff.

exactly, nothing worse then a bf acting like he's doing you a huge favour for just showing up to your birthday party. if you're this shy how did you get a gf?

Sephiroth_dude

Thank you all for your replies,I realise im being a selfish prick,and i've decided im probbly gonna go for her and bring a mate with me seeing as I dont know any of her mates.

@ spinandscribble I do not treat my g/f badly!

l3LoWnA

Not only should you be there, but you should be practically organising it! How long are you with this girl? Have you got other issues? Do you know her friends/family? Why not bring a friend/brother along with you for morale support? Try to relax and have a few (not TOO many) drinks to relax. Really and truly, this isn't about you, it's about her, it's her big night. Try not to make it about you, for your girlfriends sake. And seek help as people have advised above, if your shyness is affecting you so badly!

Cathmandooo

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies,I realise im being a selfish prick,and i've decided im probbly gonna go for her and bring a mate with me seeing as I dont know any of her mates.

@ spinandscribble I do not treat my g/f badly!

Glad to hear it! Enjoy the night

Susannahmia

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies,I realise im being a selfish prick,and i've decided im probbly gonna go for her and bring a mate with me seeing as I dont know any of her mates.

@ spinandscribble I do not treat my g/f badly!

Why just probably?:eek:

spinandscribble

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

@ spinandscribble I do not treat my g/f badly!

dude if you actually went throught with ditching the party you would be.

Overheal

Personally Im not pushed to go celebrate someone's 21st unless they're close; but from what I've seen 21sts are especially sentimental to girls... You'll be dead if you don't go. She'll remember it for the next 10 years :eek:

jellie

Not going to your girlfriends 21st without a valid reason, like being hit by a car, is probably a dumping offence.

Davei141

sar84 wrote: »

Not going to your girlfriends 21st without a valid reason, like being hit by a car, is probably a dumping offence.

And rightly so.

Call Me Jimmy

OP if you have a girlfriend then you should be able to go to this party no problem. I don't go anywhere AT ALL because of my problems but I had to go to a party there a week ago and all ye do is ye slap on a big smile and get some drink into ye, have a drink before ye go - it'll make a big difference.

Placebo

why would anyone look at you? its her bday like. gosh !

SarahSassy

You have to go.... No one will be passing any heed of you - its her big night and only comes along once.

Morlar

Reckon you should try make the effort if at all possible. If your are not there she will have to explain to all her fam/friends and it could cause resentment down the road.

estar

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

MY G/FS birthday is coming up in feb,and ive told her that I dont want to go to it,shes said its ok,but i know shes not ok with it,is it bad that im not going to go to it?iI went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......I just wanna know if people think its wrong that im not going

thanks

so your shy. stand in the corner and dont talk to anyone - but go.
its her night. you should put your needs aside and think of hers.

if something is difficult - sometimes its good to do it anyway. it makes you
grow as a person.

TouchingVirus

tbh wrote: »

Not only should you go, but you should go and make a huge effort to look like you are enjoying yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't go under protest, give her the gift of letting her have her night with you there. This is the price you pay for all the good stuff you get out of the relationship, and if you're not willing to pay it, you don't deserve the good stuff.

+1

aidan24326

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

MY G/FS birthday is coming up in feb,and ive told her that I dont want to go to it,shes said its ok,but i know shes not ok with it,is it bad that im not going to go to it?iI went to a mates 21st before xmas and I feLT really uncomfortable at it,felt like everyone was staring at me,im really quiet and shy :-/,maybe that has something to do with it......I just wanna know if people think its wrong that im not going

thanks

Of course it's wrong of you not to go. Your post reeks of me me me. Poor little me. So what if you're a bit quiet and shy? You're hardly the only one. Whatever your gf says she will be well put out if you don't go, and rightly so. Just go. It's called making an effort, something you do for people that you care about.

dr.bollocko

I don't think a bunch of more confident boisterous posters insulting a guy with a genuine problem is going to help the issue much. Its not out of selfishness or laziness that the guy is nervous about going, but out of a genuine fear of the occasion. If anyone here can point to any irrational fears that they have and compare them to the OP's, you will see immediately that his worry about going is not borne from a desire to be a bad boyfriend, a lack of testicles or selfishness. I am sure, like anyone in a phobic situation, that the guy wishes that he could just cut out these irrational emotions and be the life and soul of the party like his girlfriend wants. In reality it ain't so easy.
I applaud the OP for facing the fear and going, but remember, once you confront it this once, make sure and get out and do the same thing again soon so that you arent cursed with the crippling shyness for ever more.

Lawless_Samurai

Yeah its pretty bad dude. If you had a genuine reason for not going fair enough but you don't so its pretty selfish. Its one night a couple of hours, thats all, since you already told her you're not gonna you should surprise her on the night by showing up, nothing fancy just appear. I bet it'll mean the world to her and it might make it up for not wanting to go in the first place

Melion

Did she go to your 21st? If so, then of course you should go to hers.

Mazeire

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I don't think a bunch of more confident boisterous posters insulting a guy with a genuine problem is going to help the issue much. Its not out of selfishness or laziness that the guy is nervous about going, but out of a genuine fear of the occasion. If anyone here can point to any irrational fears that they have and compare them to the OP's, you will see immediately that his worry about going is not borne from a desire to be a bad boyfriend, a lack of testicles or selfishness. I am sure, like anyone in a phobic situation, that the guy wishes that he could just cut out these irrational emotions and be the life and soul of the party like his girlfriend wants. In reality it ain't so easy.
I applaud the OP for facing the fear and going, but remember, once you confront it this once, make sure and get out and do the same thing again soon so that you arent cursed with the crippling shyness for ever more.

All fair enough Herr Doktor, but he seemed well able to come out of himself enough to make an effort for a friend but was happy enough to leave his girlfriend sitting pretty until he was given a bit of a boot in the bum here.