Should I feel this guilty?

LegacyUser

Hi
I need a bit of advice really.I have a friend who basically saved my life one time when we were out swimming,honestly my friend was fantastic,stayed with me the whole time and I am so grateful.So i feel extremely guilty for even saying this but the problem is that even before that happened I was beginning to realise that my friend is a bit of a user (of people not drugs or anything).We live in different counties and my friend absolutely adores the nightlife where I am so he regularly visits but every time he does my friend expects me to put him up.Which i didnt mind at the start but it has became close to every week that he would show up without an invitation or a place to stay and id let him crash because Id feel really guilty not to.Now in all fairness he has never used the accident against me but the people I live with have made it clear to me (and sorta to him as well )that this is not acceptable.So this is putting me in a really awkward position.lately ive been telling a lot of lies just so i dont have to meet him when he visits and it makes me feel horrible.Im always on edge when I talk to him because i know just what hes going to say and I have to have an excuse ready for when he calls.I really dont know what to do

Saibh

squinty wrote: »

Hi
I need a bit of advice really.I have a friend who basically saved my life one time when we were out swimming,honestly my friend was fantastic,stayed with me the whole time and I am so grateful.So i feel extremely guilty for even saying this but the problem is that even before that happened I was beginning to realise that my friend is a bit of a user (of people not drugs or anything).We live in different counties and my friend absolutely adores the nightlife where I am so he regularly visits but every time he does my friend expects me to put him up.Which i didnt mind at the start but it has became close to every week that he would show up without an invitation or a place to stay and id let him crash because Id feel really guilty not to.Now in all fairness he has never used the accident against me but the people I live with have made it clear to me (and sorta to him as well )that this is not acceptable.So this is putting me in a really awkward position.lately ive been telling a lot of lies just so i dont have to meet him when he visits and it makes me feel horrible.Im always on edge when I talk to him because i know just what hes going to say and I have to have an excuse ready for when he calls.I really dont know what to do

i wouldn't feel guilty. if i had saved you that day, i wouldn't use it as a reason to do what i want. your friend should accept that you don't want him staying anymore if he is really a friend to you. if he really likes the night life where you live, i would imagine by now he must have made friends with other people, why can't he crash with them instead of you. say something soon to him. ring him when he has gone back home if you don't want to say it to him face to face. i have had a friend or two who are users and they are not worth having around we don't really talk anymore but i'm better off without them to be honest

Overheal

I would find that unreasonable. He needs to realise hes owed nothing just like the rest of us.

In that kind of situation I find one of the most natural ways it gets solved is through a direct conflict - tell him youre place doesnt have an open door open bed policy anymore and youre tired of it - youre all tired of it; but especially you because ultimately hes your responsibility when hes there. Handle it in a firm but calm way as a group (like when youre all chillaxing in the living room) and he'll get the message unless he's a complete dick.

davyjose

Overheal wrote: »

In that kind of situation I find one of the most natural ways it gets solved is through a direct conflict - tell him youre place doesnt have an open door open bed policy anymore and youre tired of it - youre all tired of it; but especially you because ultimately hes your responsibility when hes there. Handle it in a firm but calm way as a group (like when youre all chillaxing in the living room) and he'll get the message unless he's a complete dick.

And if you don't feel guilty enough now, just wait til you've said all that. And to do it in front of others, as suggested, would mark you out as a prize a**hole in my book.
Just tell him he can't stay, if he's got a problem and mentions the accident, ask him did he only do it for repayment. To be honest though, I'd just let him stay.

The Corinthian

Go away for a weekend or two. That should give your friend the idea that you're not simply a hotel.

Overheal

davyjose wrote: »

And if you don't feel guilty enough now, just wait til you've said all that. And to do it in front of others, as suggested, would mark you out as a prize a**hole in my book.
Just tell him he can't stay, if he's got a problem and mentions the accident, ask him did he only do it for repayment. To be honest though, I'd just let him stay.

Not really. I was a tit last year to some of my college mates and they brought up the subject in a similar manner. They ganged on me i suppose but they weren't talking sh*t either: I had been an asshole and I needed to know about it. They just brought it up as a conversation point when we were throwing a house party among ourselves and it happened out of that. Their complaints were genuine and their advice was supportive.

Basically, we were splitting up a dinner rotation and i was being stingy about it. same idea: I was being a user. I needed to be told. So I went out on my own and fed myself and only myself for 6 months while I matured a bit. The matter seems childish now of course and we stopped talking for a few months, and yeah: I guess they did come off as assholes. But I respect them immensely for having the balls to tell me when I needed to grow up. Your friend, OP, sounds like he might need a proverbial kick in the balls also.

Continuing to put up with him teaches himm that its ok to treat his friends like night porters. Leaving town for two weeks teaches him oh well I wont go for two weeks but ill go get plastered when he gets back. It doesn't send any real message across. Think about it. You can't suck your mom's nipple for the rest of your life - one day she'll tell you to **** off and then you'll start buying your own damn milk

davyjose

I understand Overheal but there are two distinct differences - 1) your friends all had a problem with you, not just 1 of your friends bringing his mates with him for back-up. There's a distinct difference here and it could be very intimidating.
2nd) He is a little bit indebted to his friend. I know that perhaps he shouldn't have to feel that way towards him. But it would, on the surface, look fairly nasty telling a person who saved your life that they are irritating.

Overheal

This is where I base my advice off of:

squinty wrote: »

Hi
I have a friend who basically saved my life one time when we were out swimming,honestly my friend was fantastic,stayed with me the whole time and I am so grateful.

i didnt mind at the start but it has became close to every week that he would show up without an invitation or a place to stay and id let him crash because Id feel really guilty not to.

the people I live with have made it clear to me (and sorta to him as well )that this is not acceptable.

Your friends seem to be doing already what I'm talking about. The weak link in the chain seems to be you and feeling indebted to him.

You have two choices: You can either tell your house mates to leave him alone and defend this guy, or you can say whats on your mind to him and drive the message home.

iguana

Why not just tell him that your housemates have instigated a new rule re house guests, such as nobody is allowed have someone over more than once every couple of months.

unregd147

If someone had literally saved my life, as it sounds he has done for you, I would forever hold him/her in the highest regard. After all you wouldnt be writing this if it wasnt for him, you wouldnt have those friends that are complaing about him etc.
If I was in your situation I would let him stay, and if the friends kick up about it I would tell him the friends dont want him staying.
I would feel guilty if I was fobbing him off just because of what my friends were saying/pressuring me to do.

togster

unregd147 wrote: »

If someone had literally saved my life, as it sounds he has done for you, I would forever hold him/her in the highest regard. After all you wouldnt be writing this if it wasnt for him, you wouldnt have those friends that are complaing about him etc.
If I was in your situation I would let him stay, and if the friends kick up about it I would tell him the friends dont want him staying.
I would feel guilty if I was fobbing him off just because of what my friends were saying/pressuring me to do.

+1 he saved your life ffs.

LegacyUser

unregd147 wrote: »

If someone had literally saved my life, as it sounds he has done for you, I would forever hold him/her in the highest regard. After all you wouldnt be writing this if it wasnt for him, you wouldnt have those friends that are complaing about him etc.
If I was in your situation I would let him stay, and if the friends kick up about it I would tell him the friends dont want him staying.
I would feel guilty if I was fobbing him off just because of what my friends were saying/pressuring me to do.

So the OP is supposed to completely disregard the fact that his housemates are sick and tired of this other guy turning up and using their house as a hotel every weekend? He's using their electricity, space etc and I doubt he's paying for it. The guy saved the OP's life. Like any normal, healthy, well adjusted person would in the same situation. How long must he "repay" him for saving his life? Is it an eye for an eye situation?

The OP is NOT indebted to him for the rest of his life. Neither are his housemates.

Balmed Out

OP have you actually spoken to your friend about this? Some people are a bit slow when it comes to taking hints. I dont see why u need to feel worried anyhow, your housemates dont want him there. Thats all you need say.

TPD

Sounds like hes just kipping on the sofa, doesnt really sound like too big a deal. As suggested, go away for a couple of weeks (weekends - whichever night they come over), but make sure your friend wont know which nights your in. That way they'll have to ring and check thats it ok in advance.