Girlfriends Family - i really dislike them

LegacyUser

Well, after 6 years of being with my GF i just cannot stand to see her family anymore, they do my head in.

Im from a different background to them and am just into a lot of differetn stuff so i havent got a lot in common with them. Shes also really close to the which makes it worse, she has to see them every couple of days. Her entire family are really close and have get togethers all the time, i try to avoid them as often as possible but then my GF gets a lot of hassle from them about me not being there and then they usually start telling her that im a dope/****ing eejit etc. I wouldnt give a **** whta they think but she insists i go to these get togethers all the time and i dread them.

Every month it just gets worse and worse and my relationship with them deteoriates and ive had enough now I just dont want to make the effort with them anymore, i dont want them in my life.

This has already caused tension between me and my GF and its going to get worse when i tell her im not going to her folks house or any of their get togethers anymore.

What do yis think,anyome in a similar situation and how did you resolve it?Is there an answer?

JuliusCaesar

You want to stay together with her? You are going to carry on livng in the same locality? They are going to be part of your life. Either you make an effort to get on with them or you split up. OR.....talk to yuor GF and arrive at a compromise.

LegacyUser

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

You want to stay together with her? You are going to carry on livng in the same locality? They are going to be part of your life. Either you make an effort to get on with them or you split up. OR.....talk to yuor GF and arrive at a compromise.

Ye i want to stay with her, definetly. its not as easy as make an effort with them. 6 years ive been making an effort and i just wont do it anymore.

Its a really annoying situation

LivingDeadGirl

What exactly is it that bothers you about them all so much? If you knew that it might be easier to resolve.

Feelgood

Try the honest route, tell them you think they are a bunch of muppets and you might actually end up having a bit more fun with them. Instead of having to pretend you like them, you can hate them to their face....then you will stop getting invited to all the family do's.....

Honesty is the best policy.....

seamus

Your partner and their family come as a package. You don't get one without the other. You can attempt to completely ignore them, but that leaves your girlfriend as the elastic band in the middle. It will eventually get to her, to the point where she has to make a decision. And seeing as her family haven't done anything wrong, you're going to lose out.

What exactly is it that you dislike about them? Do they bore you, or are they actually horrible people?

K_P

How awful can they be if your gf came from that family? You've been with her 6 years and want to stay with her. I'm also curious to know how awful these get-togethers are if you seriously can't stand seeing them every few weeks or so. If you want to stay with your girlfriend, you're going to have to make the effort. Simple as that. It's called compromise. And you haven't a hope of making this relationship last without it.

py2006

What if you marry this girl eventually?? You are going to have to marry into the family!

You haven't explained what it is about them you don't like. Perhaps the problem is you and not them?

LegacyUser

Theres quite a bit I dont like about them.

There just completly different people to me and as much as ive tried nothing is going to make it better.
Hes just an example, one night about 2 years ago we were all out, I had to go to Scotland for 3months for my company and professional development. After my GFs family heard this that night one of her brothers told me to go and not come back, he then punched me in the face.

When we go out with them they continously talk about how many people they have kicked around, how many dodgy deals they've done, what goods they've stolen etc and im just not into that so cant really contribute to conversation so am just left sitting there bored.

Other little things like they love football etc and talk about it all the time whereas I have no intrest in football but instead prefer GAA and rugby which to them is "gay".

I get called all sorts of stuff behind my back and to my face, i suppose that doesnt even bother me that much anymore I just accept that thats the way it is. My GF and one of her sisters are the only normal people to come out of that family I think.

I have to go out with them again tomorrow (its her sister that I like 21st) and I am dreading it. I usually try not drink to much around them as I think one of these days i'll loose it around them.

Beruthiel

misterelliot wrote: »

Hes just an example, one night about 2 years ago we were all out, I had to go to Scotland for 3months for my company and professional development. After my GFs family heard this that night one of her brothers told me to go and not come back, he then punched me in the face.

When we go out with them they continously talk about how many people they have kicked around, how many dodgy deals they've done, what goods they've stolen

:eek:
Ok
They are a bunch of knackers.
Why you have bothered getting to know them is beyond me. I have no clue how you've managed for 6 years!

I went out with someone once for 4 years, saw his family maybe 3 times during that time.
They didn't like me on first meeting and my attitude was 'life's to short to care'. Thing is, my then b/f had absolutely no problem with that, he didn't get on great with them either. Any time he had to go see them, it was by himself.

Can you not talk to your g/f about this at all? Does she not understand where you are coming from?
Some people think that you must get on with your partners family in order to have a relationship. I don't believe that. Sure, it makes things easier during family functions, but if you're partner has no big problem with it, it can work.

I have to go out with them again tomorrow (its her sister that I like 21st) and I am dreading it.

If I were in that situation, I wouldn't go. I would however, call her up and arrange to bring her out to dinner on a different night for her 21st.

LegacyUser

tbh, they are her family not yours, you shouldn't have to go. I'd never pressure my other half to visit or whatnot. Wouldn't bother me if she never met them.

the_syco

IMO, you're dating her, not her family.

BaZmO*

I really can't understand stand why you're even bothering with these people. On one hand if you don't go you're called every name under the sun and then on the other you get a punch in the face for your troubles.

Fair enough you love your girlfriend and all but if I was in your situation I wouldn't give a flying fvck if she started to complain if I didn't want to go to any family gatherings.

Does your girlfriend really think it's fair that you have to put yourself through that all the time? If she does she is waaaay off the mark.

Oryx

Jeez. You got a punch in the face from her brother and youre still meeting these people for her sake. Thats love. Which is one good thing in all this, anyway.

Trouble is this is a situation you can only ever tolerate, never win. Youre outnumbered for a start. And these people are family, and will always come as part of your gfs life. Its tough, but if they wont change, then you have to. Avoid them as much as is possible (and talk and explain all the time to your gf why you must) and when you are in their company do as you have been doing, dont get drunk and avoid taking their bait.

Theyre scumbags, and see you as a goody two shoes. That may be making them nervous so they attack you. All you can possibly do is both you and your gf present a united front that they can see. Divide and conquer is a tactic they will try.

echosound

jeez, I really feel for you.

I have a similar-ish situation myself, in that my own family, while not the big scumbags your GF's family seem to be, are very clannish and prone to making really nasty comments, being judgemental, and happiest when they are causing strife and drama and making mountains out of molehills, to the point of inventing lies designed to cause rifts.

My poor husband has put up with them over the years, and bitten his tongue for my sake as if I don't go to see them, I get a steady stream of calls from various relatives more or less bullying me and pressuring me into calling out to keep the peace.

When I am avoiding calling out, rumours are put about by one family member in particular suggesting I am the root cause of the strife - so to clear my own name I often have to call out to give the actual truth of the story to the rest of the family, which is normally that this particular family member who is playing the injured party, is actually the one who turned nasty in the first place, who is the aggressor, and I had to stop calling out so as not to end up having a row with her as I just don't like rows and confrontation.
This is not an ideal situation though, as for the most part people know what's shes like, and I have come to the end of the road in being bothered about what the rest of the family think of me due to the lies she spreads, if they want to belive them fine I am not interested in clearing my name anymore TBH. Why should I bother.

OK, having given you a quick outline of my situation, my suggestion to you is that you talk to your GF about your situation, explain why you don't want to visit her family or attend functions etc.
The punch to the face you spoke of should be a damn good reason, plus the namecalling etc, and in all honesty, I would be wondering about how cowed and bullied by her family your GF feels if she insists on you going out to visit them after they did something so violent and outrageous to you as to actually deck you. I can tell you, while my husband grits the teeth and smiles at my family when he actually does visit, if one of them ever did anything like that (punching him) I'd be cutting all contact myself with them anyway, and they'd be out of our lives ASAP.

Try to come to some arrangement where she can call out to see them without you, you can come up with any number of reasons/excuses for this - you're stuck in work, you've taken up a night course, you're working on some stuff at home, you decided that you'd visit your own family while she gets some "quality" time with her family, etc etc.
That's if she is not keen to go down the route of telling them the bald truth - that they are horrible to you and you don't want to be around them.

Avoid them as much as possible, and at times where you absolutely have to be present, hold your tongue, don't rise to any jibes, dont' give them any excuse to start up on you, and if they do, just quietly say "I'm heading home now, I have an early start tomorrow, night and thanks for the hospitality" and leave without fuss.

The problem is that your GF sounds like she can't cut ties with her family, and I can see where she comes from, a sense of loyalty no matter how misplaced, a sense of guilt, whatever. I get it because I have the same feelings about my own family, as silly as that may be. Your GF will probably always have them in her life to some extent, so minimise contact with them on your part, be quiet and polite when you can't avoid seeing them, and if any of them ever threaten you again, walk out imediately and you have your reason for never darkening their door again.

Try to get your GF to - as the previous poster said - present a united front, if she stops sitting back and not defending you or telling them to cop on regarding their treatment of you, they may back off if they realise they may end up driving their daughter away from the family fold if they keep it up.

There's nothing quite like the shock of realising they may end up upsetting your GF enough for her to drop all contact with them. Over the years that's the only way I've gotten my own family to back off at times - tell them I wont' stand for how they treat me or my husband, and if they want to apologise, they know where I live, until then, don't expect to see or hear from me.

Good luck, I know how tough it is to live with eejits interfering in your otherwise happy relationship.

jaykay1628

make your excuses for the party nite, meet a few friends and have a lads nite out. explain this to the gf beforehand and make arrangements to bring the sister out next week! U dont need that kind of hassle on a family?? nite out! good luck, know the feeling, i've a father-in-law that would make osama bin ladin look like a saint !!!!!!

LegacyUser

tbh i'm in your gf's situation at the mo. Not that my bf doesn't get on with my family. When he's with them he's fine but he worries so much about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing that he can't be comfortable. We're together over 6 years. He's only met my dad a handful of times. It's actually gotten worse over the last 2 years because he's gotten more comfortable saying no to me. At the start he was so eager to please me that he'd go to things even though he worried so much about it beforehand. Now I know when I have to ask him to go to something it's going to cause a fight between us.
The situation is slightly different because he feels that i'm from a better family than him so it's visa versa to you but all I can tell you is that as much as it's making you unhappy to have to put up with them it's having an equal effect on your gf. She's completely caught in the middle between you and her family and no doubt dreads broaching the subject with you as much as you do with her. Sit down, talk about, and lay it all on the line. I know i'm going to have to do that in the near future with my bf and tbh i'm dreading it because I don't know how it's going to end up. I know people will say that you're going out with her and not her family but if her family are close and you want to stay with her you're going to have to come to some solution.

SarahMc

Its a tough one, but its your gf I sympathise with. She is straddling two worlds. She (I hope) has risen above the knackerville she has come from, but still feels some ties with. To you their world is alien, and you are right not to engage and soicialise with these people.

Your g/f sadly, has to just "suck it up soldier" and put up with the ribbing from her family about your absence. They are calling you a ponce, gay, goody two shoes whether you attend or not.

I wound however attend weddings, christenings and funerals (but watch out for broken glasses).

LegacyUser

Well, the way I see it is... if you enlist... you soldier.

No one comes from the same "back ground".

The reason being - we were all brought up differently in what we personally consider a family unit.
That in itself is never familiar to an outsider brought up in a different way, in a different family unit. I've gone out with people who's family dynamics could only be described as bizarre and unhealthy, but I was there, and tolerated it. And enjoyed the good bits of it. The reason being - I wanted to continue my relationship and two or three hours ever so often wasnt going to kill me regardless of the ****.

Perhaps you just couldn't be bothered tolerating them?

Perhaps you really believe they are evil people?

If its the first option I would suggest that if you continue down this line you might just cause more problems for your other half. Is this an issue for you?
Or are you selfish about it? When/if kids and marriage come into the picture you may be forced to deal with them unless you move to a country far far away.

If they are evil people, avoid them at all costs.

People do this all the time. It's called life.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I am in the very same situation at the moment. My boyfriend and I are from very different upbringings and were not rared with the same moral values. Things that they accept as the norm, I can often find very difficult to understand.

EXAMPLE 1 - Smoking Indoors.

• In his household, nobody would bat an eyelid if a stranger walked in off the street and sparked up without asking if it was okay. Recently I had a cold and sore throat, that didn't stop anybody smoking in front of me! Oh and they all smoke in the kitchen which I think is disgusting, not that much food preparation goes on in there, see point 6 below
• In my house, nobody would dare smoke indoors, even my own Dad is forced to smoke outdoors, regardless of the weather conditions.

EXAMPLE 2 - Weekend Behaviour

• His family seem to think that weekends should be a booze fuelled 2 days of debauchery and vomitting with anyone deviating from this seen to be alien. The first question always asked on a Sat/Sun morning is "Are ya dying!?"
• My family like to enjoy drink from time to time but it is perfectly acceptable not to drink on a Fri/Sat night.

EXAMPLE 3 - Work Ethic

• His family do not have any. Nearly all of his Uncles do not work, any that get a job lose it within days due to rows with management, bad time-keeping etc. Of course the employer is always called scumbags or whatever and it is never their own fault for losing the job. Any that do work are always out sick for the slightest little thing and don't just take one day off, a week is required to get rid of a cough. :rolleyes: I often laugh when one of his family ask me on a Sunday night am I staying for a few drinks and then I mention to them that I have work in the morning. I generally get a "oh" response as if work in the morning is some foreign concept.
• All of my family work, we all completed school/college to some level. We rarely if ever take sick days and if we do we are genuinely sick. I literally have to be immobile before I would consider ringing in sick.

EXAMPLE 4 - Respect for Authority

• In his family, the Gardai are the lowest of the low, filthy scum of the earth.
• In my family, while we don't agree with everything that the Guards do, we certainly don't view them in the way my boyfriends family do.

EXAMPLE 5 - The world hates us!

• In his family, the world is against them. Most of them live in Corporation estates yet all they do is give out about the f'ing council and how they're a waste of time and do nothing for nobody. Most recently, one of the Aunts was giving out that the f'ing ba#tar@s were going to be putting new central heating into her house, oh the inconvenience of it all! :rolleyes:
• My family have a mortgage and have paid for everything we own, since we actually work!

EXAMPLE 6 - Food

• In his family, very little fresh food is prepared. Currys, takeaways, chinese's, pizzas etc form part of their everyday diet.
• My family rarely orders takeaways and enjoy cooking nice meals using fresh ingredients.

EXAMPLE 7 - Disposable Income

• This is the one that annoys me a lot. He is from a perceived poorer area that I am. However due to the amount of benefits/scamming of system/purchasing of dodgy goods, his family has a higher disposable income that we do. I know that we could not afford to legitimately purchase the volumes of alcohol and takeaways that they consume.
• We pay for our rent/mortgages/medical expenses/bin charges etc ourselves and thus while we may appear richer on paper, they have more money to enjoy themselves simply because of their refusal to work.

Anyway I could go on and on but just so you know original poster, you are not the only person who is experiencing difficulties with their partner's families. And before people start calling me a snob or whatever, I am merely providing my observations of my boyfriends family versus mine. I too can see it becoming an issue for myself, however I am slowly learning to deal with them.

stovelid

Did you tell her about getting a slap from one of her brothers?

If so, I'm amazed she would meet them herself, let alone make you.

RuailleBuaille

InSameSituation wrote: »

Hey OP

I am in the very same situation at the moment. My boyfriend and I are from very different upbringings and were not rared with the same moral values. Things that they accept as the norm, I can often find very difficult to understand.

EXAMPLE 1 - Smoking Indoors.

• In his household, nobody would bat an eyelid if a stranger walked in off the street and sparked up without asking if it was okay. Recently I had a cold and sore throat, that didn't stop anybody smoking in front of me! Oh and they all smoke in the kitchen which I think is disgusting, not that much food preparation goes on in there, see point 6 below
• In my house, nobody would dare smoke indoors, even my own Dad is forced to smoke outdoors, regardless of the weather conditions.

EXAMPLE 2 - Weekend Behaviour

• His family seem to think that weekends should be a booze fuelled 2 days of debauchery and vomitting with anyone deviating from this seen to be alien. The first question always asked on a Sat/Sun morning is "Are ya dying!?"
• My family like to enjoy drink from time to time but it is perfectly acceptable not to drink on a Fri/Sat night.

EXAMPLE 3 - Work Ethic

• His family do not have any. Nearly all of his Uncles do not work, any that get a job lose it within days due to rows with management, bad time-keeping etc. Of course the employer is always called scumbags or whatever and it is never their own fault for losing the job. Any that do work are always out sick for the slightest little thing and don't just take one day off, a week is required to get rid of a cough. :rolleyes: I often laugh when one of his family ask me on a Sunday night am I staying for a few drinks and then I mention to them that I have work in the morning. I generally get a "oh" response as if work in the morning is some foreign concept.
• All of my family work, we all completed school/college to some level. We rarely if ever take sick days and if we do we are genuinely sick. I literally have to be immobile before I would consider ringing in sick.

EXAMPLE 4 - Respect for Authority

• In his family, the Gardai are the lowest of the low, filthy scum of the earth.
• In my family, while we don't agree with everything that the Guards do, we certainly don't view them in the way my boyfriends family do.

EXAMPLE 5 - The world hates us!

• In his family, the world is against them. Most of them live in Corporation estates yet all they do is give out about the f'ing council and how they're a waste of time and do nothing for nobody. Most recently, one of the Aunts was giving out that the f'ing ba#tar@s were going to be putting new central heating into her house, oh the inconvenience of it all! :rolleyes:
• My family have a mortgage and have paid for everything we own, since we actually work!

EXAMPLE 6 - Food

• In his family, very little fresh food is prepared. Currys, takeaways, chinese's, pizzas etc form part of their everyday diet.
• My family rarely orders takeaways and enjoy cooking nice meals using fresh ingredients.

EXAMPLE 7 - Disposable Income

• This is the one that annoys me a lot. He is from a perceived poorer area that I am. However due to the amount of benefits/scamming of system/purchasing of dodgy goods, his family has a higher disposable income that we do. I know that we could not afford to legitimately purchase the volumes of alcohol and takeaways that they consume.
• We pay for our rent/mortgages/medical expenses/bin charges etc ourselves and thus while we may appear richer on paper, they have more money to enjoy themselves simply because of their refusal to work.

Anyway I could go on and on but just so you know original poster, you are not the only person who is experiencing difficulties with their partner's families. And before people start calling me a snob or whatever, I am merely providing my observations of my boyfriends family versus mine. I too can see it becoming an issue for myself, however I am slowly learning to deal with them.

Oh please, you're not a snob and yet you've listed in bullet points all that is wrong with your BF's family - you've CLEARLY spent a lot of time drawing distinctions between your family and theirs - here's a wakeup call: when comparing other families to your own, very rarely will you allow others to come off better than your own BECAUSE YOU'RE BIASED. So what if his family does things differently to yours, didn't they raise a son you fell in love with? And you did not 'merely provide my observations of my boyfriends family versus mine' because there is nothing objective mentioned about your family. Get a grip and focus on the relationship you want to foster. OP same goes for you too, and if your GF needs it explained to her that you don't enjoy the company of people who are capable of random acts of violence, maybe you need to grow a pair and tell her.

Gyalist

InSameSituation wrote: »

Hey OP

I am in the very same situation at the moment. My boyfriend and I are from very different upbringings and were not rared with the same moral values. Things that they accept as the norm, I can often find very difficult to understand.

[interesting list snipped]

Anyway I could go on and on but just so you know original poster, you are not the only person who is experiencing difficulties with their partner's families. And before people start calling me a snob or whatever, I am merely providing my observations of my boyfriends family versus mine. I too can see it becoming an issue for myself, however I am slowly learning to deal with them.

So, what is it about your boyfriend that you find so attractive?

LegacyUser

ItchyInside wrote: »

Oh please, you're not a snob and yet you've listed in bullet points all that is wrong with your BF's family - you've CLEARLY spent a lot of time drawing distinctions between your family and theirs - here's a wakeup call: when comparing other families to your own, very rarely will you allow others to come off better than your own BECAUSE YOU'RE BIASED. So what if his family does things differently to yours, didn't they raise a son you fell in love with? And you did not 'merely provide my observations of my boyfriends family versus mine' because there is nothing objective mentioned about your family. Get a grip and focus on the relationship you want to foster. OP same goes for you too, and if your GF needs it explained to her that you don't enjoy the company of people who are capable of random acts of violence, maybe you need to grow a pair and tell her.

+1 There

Indeed, I mean going down this road another family could pose the same argument about someone else

Like .....
Keeping animals indoors
Wearing shoes in the house
Not having a waste disposal unit
Wasting water
Having a 1 to 1 car ratio ...

The list goes on .. i think your trying to differentiate between classes or something, however the country i live in some of the practises in Irish households would be seen as downright disgusting.

If someone wants to do something in their house thats their business, if you dont want to be there then don't. If they come into your house they follow your rules.

spinandscribble

that bit about food seems a bit smug btw.
i dont know how your gf is letting this happen. they dont have a right to punch you and no amount of alcohol or lack of education changes that. you're not being selfish, your gf is. you dont need to see them. if your gf cant accept that then think aqbout what the rest of your life will be like.

Mazeire

Insame situation, you are not actually in the same situation because you are looking down on your partners family because they live a different way to you. Believe it or not, as consenting adults they are entitled to their own views, to choose what they want to eat, how much they drink, to decide if they want to smoke and how they want to spend their time. Amazin' or wha'? They are not the scum of the earth because their lifestyle does not match up to your rose tinted middle class little view of things.

OP, thats brutal. If they hit you again call the Garadai. If your girlfiend objects then you really need to reassess how much of a future you really have with her, no matter how great she is. After all is this what you want to be bringing kids in to? Watching their dad being smacked around by their uncles and grandad?

Teddi

hey op, I really sympathise with you.....My last g/f family was like that....

Im a south sider, they were north siders...there was already a bit of a dislike for me purely because of that.....

the first time the mother met me...she was sitting down in the sitting room, barely acknowledged me when I said hello....through out the odd 5 months we were together...i was called Dichead about 5 times, ejit,twat....and wont go into the others......now...to them they thought it was only messing...."oh...here comes the ejit now" ....(somebody should have given them a lesson in sarcasm...they sucked at it!)

anyway, this kind of thing made me very uncomfortable anytime I went over.....and I believe that her family was a huge contributing factor in us breaking up...

as a previous poster has said.... your not going out with her family...if you dont want to,you dont have to give a toss about the family...only maybe if things progress with your g/f and you get married....but otherwise your not obligated to show face all the time...your G/F should be respectful of your descision..

other methods would be to show to whatever the event may be, for an hour and leave...or only go to every 3rd or 4th occasion...

your in the driving seat here mate, not them...

hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

I thought I was in a similar situation, but mine is nowhere near as bad as some of the ones I've read!!

However, my gf is from one of the most notorious estates in Dublin (these holes seem to manufacture a lot of fine looking babes from the sounds of what people are putting up with in the other posts!!) and I'm starting to get the feeling, and she is too, that her family would prefer her to not be going out with a bogger or a culchie. And that I keep bringing her away from them, and she doesn't see the sisters as much. The sisters are starting to treat her really badly and play mind games, always slagging, etc...

Before I met my gf, I didn't even believe people in the city could be so ignorant to even use terms such as bog trotter, bogger, culchie, but they do. She says it to me jokingly, but I still don't think it's nice.

I'm also from a middle-class family and she is more working class. I'm not saying that is the problem, but I have not got much in common with her family, and my parents would be very different and not as *backward* in lots of ways (my gf has said this herself). I'm not saying her family are wrong, but my parents don't sit around all day talking about celebrities (did posh get a boob job?) or different types of biscuits, or soaps. And they don't moan and give out about stuff half as much. Sometimes her family seem sort of insane to me but I guess you can't change people. You just have to accept them. And in my case, they've never openly insulted me or punched me, so I guess I don't have it too bad! they aren't physically harmful, but I feel they are mentally or psychologically very *different* to put it politely.

LegacyUser

Have been in that situation and this is how we worked it:

Don't go to any social gatherings were her family are the only people attending.

Do go to social gatherings where her family has been diluted by other people in your GF's extended social circle