Cheating a**hole?

Miss Sunshine

I'm new to boards, and this is my first post. My boyfriend swears by it however and treats it like its the bible so I thought I'd get some advice from you guys.
Just checked the history on our computer and found that my boyfriend has an account on a site called adult finders. Basically a way to have cyber sex. ON his profile he has written that he is single and is looking for attractive woman to have 1-1 "chat" with or groups of 3 or more, he did also mention that he would like a discreet relationship.
We've been going out for over 5 and a half years and this has just devestated. I know when I approach him about it he'll say that its normal and all guys do it. So some advice from some guys and girls would be really appreciated.

Buzz Buzz

As a guy I have definitely come across these types of sites, and indeed the one your talking about it. When I originally came across them, of it sparked my interest and I did register an account aswell. As I'm sure many guys will agree, curiousity does get the better of you and of course you want to see if there are actually hot girls on these sites genuinely looking for nsa/casual sex. The catch with some of these sites is you have to register first before you can search for what your looking for. Once you register, then you can search, but if you want to contact anyone for the '1-1 sex' etc, you have to start paying the monthly fee. Personally, I have never gone beyond registering, my friends have talked about these sites aswell and as far as I'm aware none of them ever paid fees either. Of course this is upsetting to find your boyf involved in this, and I'm not defending him here, but as far as I'm aware its pretty common place. Its just curiousity. If however, he has registered to pay fees and you see an unusual payment on his next credit card statement, well then there should be alarm bells ringing in your head.

pirelli

Miss sunshine, Love the name,,,

1.First the discreet part it's ok it's part of the routine of signing up and way better than most of the other options.

2.There are scary sites out there and adult finder isnt obviously one of them.But your boyfriend might discover that it has a partialist side to it, and therefore I understand your concern as after a few months this type of behaviour becomes unhealthy in that it is partialism after 6 or so months. Google partialism and sexuality etc..

3.Consider it as a weakness on his part and maybe tease him away from it.
Plenty of u tube dateline pedo fest should make him more aware that women dont pertain to such activities and to be careful as he wont find what he is looking for.

4.Maybe there is another side to his sexuality he hasnt shared with you. In summary only he knows why he is using adult-finder.

5. It is natural for men to check out these sites, Most men check them out just in case there really is an assemblea of baywatch beautie's who want to confide in a tall dark and handsome man.That could be it.Maybe he is learning more about what you want romantically or getting some hands on expertise tip's for in the bedroom or initially that was the plan and something deviated and he is being swallowed up into the a world of the partialist fantasy.

6.He might have the all male fantasy of two women in a bed.

7. Be subtle and leave a few magazine articles' laying around that are anti-internet eroticism.

Respect his privacy but try to show your uncomfortable with this type of behaviour.


Doctor Pirelli

dvega

well i know if i found my gf doing that i'd hiit the roof but he is right,there are loads of guys out there doing this sort of thing,married,long term relationships etc. Talking to other girls online may not be the worst thing but this 'discreet relationship' is what worries me,maybe he wants a bit of excitment in his life but you definetly have to sit him down and have a chat....

Pye

While there may be "loads of guys" supposedly doing it I don't think people should accept it as something men do. I certainly wouldn't go behind my other half to look at such sites and would consider it a complete breach of trust and loyalty to do so.

Miss Sunshine, you need to have a think about this for yourself. Do you want this level of secrecy/dishonesty in your relationship? If his reaction to you finding him out does go along the lines of "all blokes do it" he's either deluding himself or trying to make a fool out of you with a lame excuse. I do think you need to confront him on this but maybe think about where you want this to go. Are you prepared to stick with him knowing this? Will you still trust him?

I wish you all the best with this. Just remember to keep your cool and stick to what you believe in your heart.

IRISH RAIL

that adult friend finder comes up on the bottom of a lot of innocent websites
theres no dazzling bueaties waiting to take him away from you and if you look carefuly at it you will see its the same pictures of girls with different names underneath check the creditcard bill then decide but at the moment I wouldnt worry about it

justsomebloke

Buzz Buzz wrote: »

As a guy I have definitely come across these types of sites, and indeed the one your talking about it. When I originally came across them, of it sparked my interest and I did register an account aswell. As I'm sure many guys will agree, curiousity does get the better of you and of course you want to see if there are actually hot girls on these sites genuinely looking for nsa/casual sex. The catch with some of these sites is you have to register first before you can search for what your looking for. Once you register, then you can search, but if you want to contact anyone for the '1-1 sex' etc, you have to start paying the monthly fee. Personally, I have never gone beyond registering, my friends have talked about these sites aswell and as far as I'm aware none of them ever paid fees either. Of course this is upsetting to find your boyf involved in this, and I'm not defending him here, but as far as I'm aware its pretty common place. Its just curiousity. If however, he has registered to pay fees and you see an unusual payment on his next credit card statement, well then there should be alarm bells ringing in your head.

have to agree with this. If you can log into account check to see if he has actually paid the membership, if he has you have something to be worried about however if he hasn't there is a good chance that he just want to see what all the fuss is about

Canis Lupus

Likely it's just porn. Relax yourelf OP.

Or..... Sign up yourself and get in contact with your boyfriend anonymously and arrange a meeting. If he shows up you Jerry Springer his a**.

Personally tho I'd reckoon it's just harmless porn. I wouldn't worry too much.

faceman

seems like there is an issue there and definitely a breach of your trust. Most responses are making it sound like your bf has done nothing wrong but regardless or not as to whether he has done anything yet, the intention is there.

What he has done is a little bit more than just surf for jazz.

TerrorFirmer

I wouldn't get too relaxed - the fact he has seeking discreet relationships down would be a worrying point. It may be all innocent, but don't convince yourself that it is so prematurely just going on what's being said here - joining adult dating sites, specifying yourself as single and looking for a discreet relationship is not typical male behaviour nor should it be advocated/accepted as such. It's not 'just porn' and you need to raise the issue with him immediately.

Poppy84

Oh been there, it must be a 5 year itch or something cos i caught my fella doing the same thing.
Be open and honest talk to him about it see if there is some internet
"activity" you can do together to get him away from that.

In my experience though confronting him ended in a row and denial and you will look back and wonder why you stayed.

There must have been some reason behind you checking the history is it a trust issue that you dont want to come to terms with? Do you think he is cheating on you in real life? This cyber thing is a form of cheating.

To be honest if i was back there i'd end it then i hope your guy doesnt stray like mine did, 2 years after i found his adult friend finder account.
Talk to him if that doesnt work sit down talk to yourself and decide whether you really can continue in a relationship where the trust is starting to crack. Checking the internet history, then his texts etc it can very easily spiral x

Ginny

pirelli wrote: »

2.There are scary sites out there and adult finder isnt obviously one of them.But your boyfriend might discover that it has a partialist side to it, and therefore I understand your concern as after a few months this type of behaviour becomes unhealthy in that it is partialism after 6 or so months. Google partialism and sexuality etc..

I'm perplexed at what this has to do with the original post.

Miss Sunshine, can you see on the profile when he last updated or last logged on?
And it is not acceptable for him to be actively doing this while in a relationship, confront him and if he says its normal, then tell him fine you'll set up your own and see how he reacts.
I'd blow my top at this and rightly so.

funloving

Poppy84 wrote: »

Oh been there, it must be a 5 year itch or something cos i caught my fella doing the same thing.
Be open and honest talk to him about it see if there is some internet
"activity" you can do together to get him away from that.

In my experience though confronting him ended in a row and denial and you will look back and wonder why you stayed.

There must have been some reason behind you checking the history is it a trust issue that you dont want to come to terms with? Do you think he is cheating on you in real life? This cyber thing is a form of cheating.

To be honest if i was back there i'd end it then i hope your guy doesnt stray like mine did, 2 years after i found his adult friend finder account.
Talk to him if that doesnt work sit down talk to yourself and decide whether you really can continue in a relationship where the trust is starting to crack. Checking the internet history, then his texts etc it can very easily spiral x

same thing happened to me..and it's still upsetting because you don't have evidence that he met up with some girl and he cheated on you in real life.
If you think you won't be able to trust him anymore,consider the possibility of breaking up with him but first confront him..of course he will say that it was something harmless and he was only killing some time,having a laugh or something

LegacyUser

My work brings me into contact with misuse of computers, from what i see, many, many guys tend to register with this particular site, although there are many similar sites. Like the guys say, they're free to register, but to get contact details you normally have to pay. What happens is that the guys who pay tend to be disappointed, there's normally about 100 times (really no exaggeration) more guys on these sites than girls, I've also come across someone masquerading as a girl and chatting to guys.
Sites such as these prey on the weakness of people, they purport to offer no-strings attached sex, many people in their weaker moments go along for a look see (the adverts tend to be on pornish sites, when the viewer may be a little aroused), maybe even pay the fee, but they may not take it further, indeed, they may regret ever having registered. Of course they may not, I'd monitor the situation, although I imagine part of the reason you've posted on here is to let him know you know - cunning, I'm impressed.
Message to boyfriend - these sites are pretty much bollocks - no-strings attached sex is still reserved for sultans and other such satraps who can afford their own harem.

pirelli

GinnyJo wrote: »

I'm perplexed at what this has to do with the original post.

I stand corrected . Paraphilia is a more appropriate word which becomes such after a period of at least 6 month's provided that the behaviour effects the person in some area of that persons life to a point of almost clinical distress.Voyerism etc..

So if this is effecting or distressing his girlfriend and in turn this not what he wants then in actual fact after 6 months of this it could be unhealthy to their relationship on a clinical level.

LegacyUser

Miss Sunshine wrote: »

I'm new to boards, and this is my first post. My boyfriend swears by it however and treats it like its the bible so I thought I'd get some advice from you guys.
Just checked the history on our computer and found that my boyfriend has an account on a site called adult finders. Basically a way to have cyber sex. ON his profile he has written that he is single and is looking for attractive woman to have 1-1 "chat" with or groups of 3 or more, he did also mention that he would like a discreet relationship.
We've been going out for over 5 and a half years and this has just devestated. I know when I approach him about it he'll say that its normal and all guys do it. So some advice from some guys and girls would be really appreciated.

See if it is a paid subscription?

It is easy or tempting, person dependent, to sign up for these type of sites when you are bombarded with ads showing Local women with their bits out. Curiosity may have got the better of him. That is why I mention the Local women part rather than Generic porn type site.

Most of those sites work on the basis that you have to register, for free, to see the minimum content. I would not read to much into it if he ticked the single box as I doubt many of the sites have people signing up under happily married and just curious.

An importnat factor would be whether he decided to pay for extra access. That would be some thing you might want to check out. If he didn't them as much as you may not like it, and if so it is up to you, he may have just been bored and curious.

shabaz

Hi there, I had the same problems in my relationship, similar to yours, in relationship for 5 years hse an all together, i found he had registered to one of them sites, i went mad brought it up with him he said someone sent it to him said he thought he could get free porn from it, so i accepted that, then one night i found he had actually paid for it, only one month i caught him out, i went balistic again felt so hurt and really distrusted him now at this stage, so had a big fight i told him i couldnt stay in a relationship with someone doing that on me cos i think its the start of something bad, i told him to leave and we are now broken up 5 months, its been really hard as i just started my new job that night i found the stuff and we had holidays and stuff booked and paid for. But when we spoke he said he had been feeling of late that he didnt have the same feelings anymore so that was that.....dont know if he just said that in the spur of the agrument but, its been heartbreaking for me, but as well i kinda always felt worried about him in that way, like had to check his phone and email, didnt trust him, i dont know call it woman intuatuion, you have to listen to your head in these situations and not your heart.
Sorry men, but i do think they will tell you everthing is ok, until you find out its not. Trust your own head on this one.

Good luck.

And to all you ****ing men out there that think its innocent enough these sites, if your not happy with your girlfriend, tell her, move on!

Lockstep

Cyber sex is nothing to really worry about.
Granted it feels like betrayel etc but most guys just see it as porn, nothing more.


Meeting for sex: you don need me to tell you about this.

Talliesin

pirelli wrote: »

I stand corrected . Paraphilia is a more appropriate word which becomes such after a period of at least 6 month's provided that the behaviour effects the person in some area of that persons life to a point of almost clinical distress.Voyerism etc..

I think you've got the right word now. It's done nothing to stop your argument being nonsense, and you now seem to be muddling part of the DSM diagnosis with the cause.


OP:
I'm afraid Jurysstillout is on the money here. "Afraid", because it would be more useful (and I suppose more satisfying) to be able to say he was definitely cheating or definitely just curious about the site, or definitely anything.

pirelli

Talliesin wrote: »

I think you've got the right word now. It's done nothing to stop your argument being nonsense, and you now seem to be muddling part of the DSM diagnosis with the cause.


OP:
I'm afraid Jurysstillout is on the money here. "Afraid", because it would be more useful (and I suppose more satisfying) to be able to say he was definitely cheating or definitely just curious about the site, or definitely anything.

Same nonsense your spouting Talliesin, DSM?.
Afraid !, I missed that part of Jurysstillout post.

My post in summary respect his privacy but if it distress's you then you have to deal with it at some stage but no immediate panic thats all.
Admitedly body part's was well off target.

Poppy84

shabaz wrote: »

Hi there, I had the same problems in my relationship, similar to yours, in relationship for 5 years hse an all together, i found he had registered to one of them sites, i went mad brought it up with him he said someone sent it to him said he thought he could get free porn from it, so i accepted that, then one night i found he had actually paid for it, only one month i caught him out, i went balistic again felt so hurt and really distrusted him now at this stage, so had a big fight i told him i couldnt stay in a relationship with someone doing that on me cos i think its the start of something bad, i told him to leave and we are now broken up 5 months, its been really hard as i just started my new job that night i found the stuff and we had holidays and stuff booked and paid for. But when we spoke he said he had been feeling of late that he didnt have the same feelings anymore so that was that.....dont know if he just said that in the spur of the agrument but, its been heartbreaking for me, but as well i kinda always felt worried about him in that way, like had to check his phone and email, didnt trust him, i dont know call it woman intuatuion, you have to listen to your head in these situations and not your heart.
Sorry men, but i do think they will tell you everthing is ok, until you find out its not. Trust your own head on this one.

Good luck.

And to all you ****ing men out there that think its innocent enough these sites, if your not happy with your girlfriend, tell her, move on!

Completely agree with you on this one! sounds like we both have been through the same crap, except i stayed longer......men listen to shabaz
"if your not happy with your girlfriend, tell her, move on!"

LegacyUser

I like watching porn - even on the Internet.
It gives me NEW ideas for what I'm going to do to my g/f - if
you know what I mean !

evry1sm8

Id initially feel cheated and hurt if it was me...but id try to be rational about it. My advice is talk to him about it but dont make him feel like the bad guy, say youre interested to know what interested him about it.

evry1sm8

PS: If it was me, thinking truthfully, id probably never trust that guy again, id wonder whether i wasnt good enough for him, or id feel insecure about it for a long time...

Talk to him about it and hopefully he can reassure you.

madbev90210

And to all you ****ing men out there that think its innocent enough these sites, if your not happy with your girlfriend, tell her, move on!

Totally agree. We'd rather be told before guys go behind our backs. No prob with the boyf looking at porn but if I thought he was looking for any "discreet" relationships?! Seeya!:D

evry1sm8

Agreed.
Its the same principle as cheating.

Wibbs

evry1sm8 wrote: »

PS: If it was me, thinking truthfully, id probably never trust that guy again, id wonder whether i wasnt good enough for him, or id feel insecure about it for a long time...

While the morality of a bloke looking at pron is up for debate, a hell of a lot of guys do it and it is not a reflection on their feelings, sexual or otherwise for the women in their life. It's fantasy pure and simple. In fact fantasy suggests more thought. There's precious little thought involved. There is a bit of a gender gap here. Your insecurities would be a bigger issue than his pron viewing IMHO.

Talk to him about it and hopefully he can reassure you.

Agreed, though depending on the woman reassuring them in the face of deep insecurity can be an uphill battle.

Needless to say, scoping the web for "like minded females" is a step waaaaaaay too far.

evry1sm8

You misunderstand me, looking at porn is fine, but paying and saying youre "looking for a discreet relationship" is what i would lose trust over.