Custody/Access Question

LegacyUser

Present situation is my marriage is in a shambles - no external influences other than debt issues (weighing heavily at present) . Kids are a handful (4 and 3 years) but we brought them up to be free spirits so no problem with that either , although the wife struggles to cope with them . She (the missus) told me last night she wants me to leave . Fair enough , she wants rid of me i have to accept that . I dont understand her reasoning but i guess that's for another thread . My concern , and the point of this thread , is if i walk out of the house (dub city council) and go on the homeless i'll no doubt end up in a hostel for god knows how long . What chance do I legally have then of getting to see my kids ????

The wife wont stop me from seeing them but it's hardly quality time for them if i take them to the park for half an hour and i certainly wouldnt put them through ' a day with daddy in the hostel' .


Also whats the legal criterion for divorce in Ireland these days ? I know I could google it but seeing as I'm here and typing .....

davyjose

HeadDoneIn! wrote: »

Present situation is my marriage is in a shambles - no external influences other than debt issues (weighing heavily at present) . Kids are a handful (4 and 3 years) but we brought them up to be free spirits so no problem with that either , although the wife struggles to cope with them . She (the missus) told me last night she wants me to leave . Fair enough , she wants rid of me i have to accept that . I dont understand her reasoning but i guess that's for another thread . My concern , and the point of this thread , is if i walk out of the house (dub city council) and go on the homeless i'll no doubt end up in a hostel for god knows how long . What chance do I legally have then of getting to see my kids ????

The wife wont stop me from seeing them but it's hardly quality time for them if i take them to the park for half an hour and i certainly wouldnt put them through ' a day with daddy in the hostel' .


Also whats the legal criterion for divorce in Ireland these days ? I know I could google it but seeing as I'm here and typing .....

DON'T LEAVE!!!
I cannot stress that enough. If your wife doesn't want you there or doesn't love you anymore, then that's her problem to deal with, but why should you f*ck up your life (and I mean F*CK IT UP -- you think things are bad now?) for someone else?
Try to get yourself to the point where you can afford NOT to be homeless at least, before even considering it.

LegacyUser

I've started and stopped typing a response to this a few times.

There are so many variables and scenarios to consider, you'd really be better talking to a family law solicitor. I went through a separation a number of years ago, and no matter how civil it might start, the potential for it to get nasty is enormous. Throw in the fact that you may well be living in very depressing circumstances and that risk is multiplied. Do yourself and your kids a favour and talk to a professional, and don't leave the family home until you do. If you leave, you'll have abandoned your family, and this will be held against you if it comes to a family court issue. The fact she asked you to leave is irrelevant.

Some advice I will give you though.....No matter how dark it gets or how depressed you feel...it WILL get better with time. The two or so years following my separation were the worst and most stressful of my life, but they passed. I'm extremely happy now, with a new wife and 5 month old son, and I see my son from my previous marriage 2 or 3 times a week every week.

Also..you need to be separated 4 years to be eligible for divorce, but you don't have to have been living separately. So if the marriage broke down four years ago, but you've continued to live in the same house for the sake of the kids, but not as man and wife, you could be eligible for divorce now.

Best of luck to you...I hope everything works out for you.

gcgirl

Just like the above poster don't leave ! Have you tried family mediation it's free through Citizens Information Board ? You should also go to free legal aid if your low waged or on social good luck!

http://www.citizensinformationboard.ie/

MIN2511

davyjose wrote: »

DON'T LEAVE!!!
I cannot stress that enough. If your wife doesn't want you there or doesn't love you anymore, then that's her problem to deal with, but why should you f*ck up your life (and I mean F*CK IT UP -- you think things are bad now?) for someone else?
Try to get yourself to the point where you can afford NOT to be homeless at least, before even considering it.

You cant tell him not to leave, OP what have you decided to do? Sometimes leaving might be in the best interest of the children.
My advice would be to take your time and think of what you want... dont opt out and leave, talk to your wife about the kids
all the best!

SarahMc

Talk to your wife, both of you sound under a lot of stress, debt, 2 children raised as "free spirits" etc.

Before going anywhere, you should try marriage counselling, walking out of a marriage should not be done lightly. If that does not work, or if she refuses to go, try mediation to work out access, custody, finance.

davyjose

MIN2511 wrote: »

You cant tell him not to leave, OP what have you decided to do? Sometimes leaving might be in the best interest of the children.

If he leaves there is a possibility that he will be homeless. How exactly do you think this could be in their best interest?

Suave

Get some sort of lawyer asap - it's the only advice I can give. Good luck, sounds like an awful dicey situation!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies . It's uplifting to hear some rational thoughts on my dilemma . We managed to sit down yesterday and talk things through sensibly rather than emotionally - particularly the effect any decisions we make will have on our childrens' upbringing and future . The outcome at present is that we are going to try to stay together as a unit . Only time will tell if this is the right path but it feels right at the moment .

I will also seek legal advice as suggested . Marriage guidance is also a suggestion worth considering but will see how the next couple of weeks go first .

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply .

JuliusCaesar

what about mediation? They will look at whatever it is YOU and your wife want, whether it's reconciliation or seperation. It's a free service run by the state and not half as aggressive as bringing in lawyers who will generally try to get the best for their party and not look at what is best for everyone.

Jack B. Badd

OP, my parents went through mediation before their separation and, from what I've heard from both of them, it seems like the best option in a situation like this. As JuliusCaesar posted, it's a much less aggressive option than going to court and if you go through with the separation it can help you to make a legal agreement about issues that affect both of you and your children without it turning into a "me vs her" situation. Be aware that mediation is for couples that have decided to separate, if you're considering reconciliation then marriage counselling is the way to go.
Good luck.

Loopy

One of the happiest days of my life was when my parents broke up when i was seven. No more rows, no atmosphere in the house - it was heaven (my mum was the one to leave).

I do believe in trying to make a marriage work but this crap of staying together for the kids is crazy i think.

I wish you the very best of luck.

King of Kings

if you leave the family home - even if it's by agreement with her before a legal separation is drawn up - you are considered in law to have deserted the family home.
I understand you may not think this will go to court but if it did you are screwed.

I took legal advise during my separation and refused leave family home , despite intense pressure and lies spread about me.
In the end i bought her out and the house in now mine.
I would have been up ****s creek had i moved into my mates like I'd planned.

davyjose

HeadDoneIn! wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies . It's uplifting to hear some rational thoughts on my dilemma . We managed to sit down yesterday and talk things through sensibly rather than emotionally - particularly the effect any decisions we make will have on our childrens' upbringing and future . The outcome at present is that we are going to try to stay together as a unit . Only time will tell if this is the right path but it feels right at the moment .

I will also seek legal advice as suggested . Marriage guidance is also a suggestion worth considering but will see how the next couple of weeks go first .

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply .

That's brilliant news.

Try to get some sort of a grasp on your financial situation is the next step. I dunno if you can do overtime, make cut-backs even get a second job. The stress of hard work is nowhere near the stress of being poor, and that is something that can really hurt relationships. Yours won't have been the first to have been damaged by money problems.

Esel

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

what about mediation? They will look at whatever it is YOU and your wife want, whether it's reconciliation or seperation. It's a free service run by the state and not half as aggressive as bringing in lawyers who will generally try to get the best for their party and not look at what is best for everyone.

Mediation is for couples who are separating. Reconciliation is not an option that is discussed during mediation AFAIK.

OP, if your wife agrees, go to marriage counselling together. You can also go alone if she does not agree to go.