Do men feel remorse / regret for their actions?

SarahSassy

Hi all,

My story is above and I was wondering, from experience, do men feel bad when they treat people badly... I actually thought this guy was sensitive, caring and nice... He has his friends for years and is close to his family....

Just curious as I am hoping he feels 1/100th of what I am feeling right now.

SS

Jesus Wept

Good grief. Do women? It depends on the person.

It's not about MEN, it's not about gender. It's not about whether you have a penis or a vagina between your legs.
It's about people.

Some people are just ****, it's not gender specific.

Join a club or go travelling. (This forum should be a subforum of PI today)

Tom Dunne

The-Rigger wrote: »

Good grief.

Do women?
Start a PI or get a blog or go on Oprah, ffs.

The-Rigger, voted Mr. Sensitivity 1987.

Edit: ROFL. Having seconds thoughts?

Sarah, some men do feel remorse. It doesn't justify their actions, but the vast majority of us feel bad when we act the dick.

In this situation, however, I am not so sure I could guarantee he is feeling a hint of remorse.

Jesus Wept

tom dunne wrote: »

The-Rigger, voted Mr. Sensitivity 1987.

w00t \o/

That post was a work in progress Brother.

Rattlehead_ie

Sorry to hear that Sarah, sounds like a bit of an asshole if you ask me to be honest......... Yes we do feel remorse, regret and have a conscious about things that we do like women as well but this is not the case of Male vs Female, this is down to the individual and to be honest. Id thats the kinda guy he is, your probably better off without.

gcgirl

There are a few good guys out there ! Its just that we have not met them yet! My ex is a compleat wanker! we have 3 kids and he was and stil is a non hands on dad! a compleat deadbeat dad whose parents thinks he is a scumbag, missed his sons first birthday to go play golf and then theres the hospital visits i could write a book on him!

SarahSassy

The-Rigger wrote: »

(This forum should be a subforum of PI today)

Well women are well known for talking about personal issues and thats why I posted here. You tend to get proper advice here without the sensationalising that goes on in the PI forum.

I guess what I was actually asking if men are better able to compartmentalise their guilt... I know if I did that to him it would be eating me up..

Rigger, dont bother replying if you are only going to sneer. We can go to oprah alright and why dont you P O to PI where you are better suited.

Right now I am not worried about finding a man or if there are good ones out there. I want this out of my system first.

Saruman

Men in general are much better at dealing with emotions, well actually that depends too... Women explode with emotions in general, Men keep them to themselves or consult a best mate.
So in general, men are less likely to let guilt rule them. They will feel it but it will not consume them and they can push it away.

Jesus Wept

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well women are well known for talking about personal issues and thats why I posted here. You tend to get proper advice here without the sensationalising that goes on in the PI forum.

I guess what I was actually asking if men are better able to compartmentalise their guilt... I know if I did that to him it would be eating me up..

Rigger, dont bother replying if you are only going to sneer. We can go to oprah alright and why dont you P O to PI where you are better suited.

Right now I am not worried about finding a man or if there are good ones out there. I want this out of my system first.

I wasn't sneering at you, your original thread title was a poor choice, IMO. It's still fairly crap because as I said, it depends on the person/individual.

Some PEOPLE feel remorse/regret, and some people do not. Some of these people are male and some are female.

I'm not your ex, so don't take out your frustrations on me.
I you really.

SarahSassy

The-Rigger wrote: »

I'm not your ex, so don't take out your frustrations on me.

Oh I am not.... I posted here because up to now the replies to all other posts have been decent and not sneery.... I was hoping for more of the same.

Jesus Wept

SarahSassy wrote: »

Oh I am not.... I posted here because up to now the replies to all other posts have been decent and not sneery.... I was hoping for more of the same.

I'm not sneering. Your ex sounds like a d1ckhead.

Now have some love:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4MNCkErQVw

Latchy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well women are well known for talking about personal issues and thats why I posted here. You tend to get proper advice here without the sensationalising that goes on in the PI forum.

I guess what I was actually asking if men are better able to compartmentalise their guilt... I know if I did that to him it would be eating me up..

QUOTE]

Hi Sarah ,i can only speak from my own expierences but i know looking back at various times in my life regards 'wimmin' i know i could have being more caring ,sensitive and considerate when dealing with members of oppisite sex regards relationship or friendship .This is just from your average guy who has also expierenced the pain and hurt of failed relationships .My attidtude was very much out of 'sight out of my mind 'without a second thought for how that person might feel but i put it down to my own imaturity at the time and not understanding or seeing the bigger picture .I still to to this day have pangs of guilt thinking about some events becuse the girls in question were nice people .But also looking at how some of my peers behaved towards girls i think i wasn't the worst .Some wimmin are attracted to complete bastards .I knew lots of guys like that and couldent figure out why they wimmin would come back for more

best wishs

monkeyfudge

SarahSassy wrote: »

I actually thought this guy was sensitive, caring and nice...

Unfortunately this can also equate to being spineless. He seemed unable to find the resolve within himself stand up and tell you. Which is really rather sad.

As for me... I don't know if I've ever really done anything terribly bad in a relationship. But I certainly regret not doing enough to try and make things work better.

Latchy

monkeyfudge wrote: »

Unfortunately this can also equate to being spineless. He seemed unable to find the resolve within himself stand up and tell you. Which is really rather sad.

As for me... I don't know if I've ever really done anything terribly bad in a relationship. But I certainly regret not doing enough to try and make things work better.

Thats what i wished i had done .Some people fit into relationships like a hand in a glove.With me when i couldent sustain a friendship due to shyness and akwardness on my behalf i would squirm out cuz i was so used to doing my own thing when i wished ie, as in liking my own company as much as others .But that was then and only now do i realise how selfish i was at times .I wished i could have had the wisdom to try make things better to . Having real friends male and female and a healthy relationsship is a blessing .

monkeyfudge

Yep. It's very easy to slip into a mindset of taking a person for granted.

But you live and learn... and can hope to apply yourself better next time around.

Pj!

I myself have lots of guilt about aspects of relationships with the wimmins.
Men do feel remorse and regret. But men in general keep all that bottled up. Girls will go talk to friends, get advice, etc but if most guys ask each other whats wrong they will either say 'nothing' or maybe say 'pissed off' and leave it at that.
We do have sleepless nights over girls, we may shed tears (obviously I wouldnt though, far too manly ) but no-one will ever know about it.

Rozabeez

And give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt you? Screw that, cut him out and find a real man! /huggles

monkeyfudge

The situation in the opening post is familiar to me though.

I got chatting to a German girl one day who got involved with an Irish guy online. But she went as far as coming all the way over to Ireland before finding out that he had broken all contact with her. She even went up to the address she had and there was no answer at the door.

Seems to be a pitfall of online relationships. Thankfully any online romances I've ever had have never gone that way.

King of Kings

felt bad - sometimes.
regret - no.

but i've never pulled a stunt like that.
i'm generally honest - and sometimes appear mean for being so.

Although I'll say this - as women get older (as I am getting older) they do appreciate honesty a lot more and are less prone to the hysterics, upon the relevation of this honesty, of there younger brethren. (sorry all that is qualified by IMO )

Quality

What is the story with all the men in the ladies lounge today?


Sassy, He is a prick for leading you on, He should have been honest with you from the start.....

I dont think we should generalise on "all men" being unremorseful.

I am sure he does feel some shame in treating you like this. Sounds like your better off with out him..

Maple

to answser your thread. yes tehy do. they're not all unfeeling robots.

your ex was a muppet, a horrible spineless muppet and as bad as you feel now you're so much better off without him. what if something important happened in your life? like you were sick or someone died and he showed his true cowardly colours then? count yourself lucky missus. he's a fool.

Mizz Piggy

Whats the problem wit men like him, cant they just be upfront, men treatin women like that is crap (we're not all angels but I'm always honest), nothin worse than a coward for a man. Ur so much better off without him. By the sounds of some of the replys men seem to think they can just walk all over us and get away wit it, we've all met some asshole like him at some stage.

Good luck

Latchy

Some men from birth seem to be programmed to see wimmin as sexual objects and for child rearing purposes.This was the stereotypical image of male irishmen until recent times and that is not to say there arent loads of em out there still ,there are as the forum will testify to but the guy who takes part in flirting or sexual innundeo on here may not nessacaraly be like that in the company of wimmin in public .Some men never mature regardless of what age they are in their views of wimmin specialy if they have being brought up in a strong male dominated family but yet as i already mentioned these are the guys loads of wimmin fall for time and time again.

monkeyfudge

Dear lord the word 'wimmin' is horrific... do people actually use it?

Latchy

monkeyfudge wrote: »

Dear lord the word 'wimmin' is horrific... do people actually use it?

As it's (dublin slang ) used quite a lot in the BARG thread the answer is yes

milli

latchyco wrote: »

As it's (dublin slang ) used quite a lot in the BARG thread the answer is yes

Can we please ban it from The Ladies Lounge? Please? Mods?!

Noc81

Sarah I wouldnt' give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much he hurt you. Realisically he probably won't care too much as he sounds like an ahole & you would probably get even more hurt.
Easier said than done but try to forget him & don't waste your time on people who are not willing to waste their time on you

Tom Dunne

milli wrote: »

Can we please ban it from The Ladies Lounge? Please? Mods?!

Used in proper context where no offence is intended, such as BGRH, it is actually quite witty.

Used in warm, fluffy situations such as the Ladies Lounge, it is quite patronising.

Ban it, I say.

monkeyfudge

oh right.. I always thought it was supposed to be a hardcore feminist term used to say women with having the word 'man' in it.

Etymology is a harsh mistress...

Latchy

Ban it i say ....

Wibbs

Shítty thing to do alright. TBH I reckon he's thick and weak minded more than insensitive. If he was insensitive he would be fully aware of what was what and told you regardless. As it is I reckon he got his lines crossed(thick) and then when he thought about it, didn't have the balls to tell you earlier and hoped it would go away(weak minded).

In my experience, there exists a too large proportion of men that are emotionally dimwitted, needy, weak, ill defined, boorish idiots, that are a pain to have to deal with and often need a firm hand to direct them. Just as there exists an equally large proportion of women that are emotionally crippled, needy, weak little children, with little integrity, that need to be treated as such to have any chance of a quiet life(in fact they respond well to being treated that way). With age this tapers off in both genders, or they get better at hiding it at least.

I will say and it's against my own gender there are an awful lot of weak men out there IMHO. Either overly emo or overly macho, or just plain thick. Neither good, especially in the wrong context. They get angry when they shouldn't and don't stand up for themselves when they should. This is doubly true in their dealings with the women in their lives.

Gordon

SarahSassy wrote: »

quote removed

I don't understand how long you were actually together. You were friends for 3 years but how long were you in a relationship for?

I'm not sure if it's because I'm a guy but your posts didn't raise much emotion in me, instead turned on my mathematical and logical side by trying to decipher the exact timeline of your past with this guy.

As for the remorse/regret, guys will tend to gloss over things more than women imo, some kind of security measure. However, you can be sure that the actual gravity of a situation that has been purposefully neglected will resurface at a later date. Maybe on purpose or simply through a mirrored experience towards the man in question, he will feel remorse and regret. Maybe the steely cold non-feeling/no regret/shame appears on the outside only? Either way, that feeling will appear eventually.

Sorry for your experience, I wouldn't want to sound condescending by saying that all experiences build our spirit even when they seem like they are tearing us down; so I'll just give a cheers to the New Year and hope all will be well soon.

SarahSassy

It hadnt been a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. We discussed starting that about 7 weeks ago. We always stayed in touch but because of the distance we did not meet that often....

Latchy

SarahSassy wrote: »

It hadnt been a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. We discussed starting that about 7 weeks ago. We always stayed in touch but because of the distance we did not meet that often....[/QUOTE

That may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship,feelings can change and you both could have met other people. I imagine you both considered and had this in mind ?

luckat

Wow, lucky escape, OP. Imagine if you'd got really involved with the man.

In relation to your question, my observation is that men are very good at post-hoc rationalisation, which allows them to avoid guilt.

SarahSassy

latchyco wrote: »

That may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship,feelings can change and you both could have met other people. I imagine you both considered and had this in mind ?

Absolutely and thats why we were not 'exclusive'. We were starting down that road. Its not about him meeting someone as such. His feelings changed so between when I booked it (dec 10th) and when he stopped contacting me which is exactly 1 week. After I booked it he told me he was thrilled etc.

Him meeting someone is about 15% (it was always going to happen one of us) of the hurt, its the fact that very recently he led me on my telling me to come over and he would time time off work. What hurts the most is that he was a friend and he would not respond to me to tell me to stay put. I had to text, mail and call him to get my PFO. As the trip was only two weeks away I had started getting organised, travel iron, plugs etc which I needed to borrow from friends...

I only found out this week...

Barlow07

SarahSassy wrote: »

Hi all,

My story is above and I was wondering, from experience, do men feel bad when they treat people badly... I actually thought this guy was sensitive, caring and nice... He has his friends for years and is close to his family....

Just curious as I am hoping he feels 1/100th of what I am feeling right now.

SS

My answer would to your question would be yes. I treated a girl who i liked very badly in my eyes, not that she was an angel herself. If i had the chance i would do things so much differently now. I still regret it to this day and its going back a while.

SarahSassy

I have to thank you all for your replies.. I guess my only satisfaction is that at some time he may feel a bit ashamed of what he did to me unnecessarily.

I know he really enjoyed my company, getting the small texts, mails etc and I hope at some point he misses them and me.

He has ruined our friendship, which had survived strongly for a long time over 3000 miles but I am not going to keep looking back...

I guess I am just very hurt that, at this stage of my life, a friend treated me so badly and thats the bottom line.

Barlow07

SarahSassy wrote: »

I have to thank you all for your replies.. I guess my only satisfaction is that at some time he may feel a bit ashamed of what he did to me unnecessarily.

I know he really enjoyed my company, getting the small texts, mails etc and I hope at some point he misses them and me.

He has ruined our friendship, which had survived strongly for a long time over 3000 miles but I am not going to keep looking back...

I guess I am just very hurt that, at this stage of my life, a friend treated me so badly and thats the bottom line.

I'm sure if he had any feelings towards you then he will remorse for what he has done, it take a while and he not even show it or tell you. I think your better off with out him and you've learned a lesson as well by the sounds of it.

Good luck.

John Mason

jaysis, the poor mens in here today are getting a bashing

do women feel regret when they feck men around ?

as was said previously its nothing to do with gender just the peoples and you cant tar everyone with the same brush

SarahSassy

Irishbird,

I asked the question about men.... I do think the majority of them have different emotional responses to things than me....

I wouldnt treat a dog like he treated me but if I did I would feel strong regret...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Guilt is usually just a voice that tells you someone might be watching.

Women get a little more worried about their reputation than men so I'm guessing, yes, men don't have as much remorse.

John Mason

SarahSassy wrote: »

Irishbird,

I asked the question about men.... I do think the majority of them have different emotional responses to things than me....

I wouldnt treat a dog like he treated me but if I did I would feel strong regret...

oh okay, if any of my male friends are anything to go by yes, they do and probably a hell of a lot more then me

Treora

There are a few relevant articles turing up in the New Scientist (and even in the economist) that carry on from the Naked Wo/man series by Morris in this area. All the gender stereotypes have empirical evidence backing them up.

The literature claims women are more mentally evolved and men more physically. Both have a equal propensity to feck each other around, but in slightly different ways. And 'biological markets' exist in all animal groups. Its a case of love the one you're with.

Cruel, harsh, but apparently an evoluntionary dictum. The bell curves for the two genders point to many men seek many women, but many women seek few men. Therefore when a man gets a women he does not have the luxury to maintain a distant relationship because the chances are that he will loose out.

Women will feel more emotional guilt after such an action, but is no less likely to commit it.

Not my words. Cruel & harsh and totally against civilised conscious morals, but nature fights to win.

Balmed Out

i cant understand how people can have so little understanding of the opposite sex as to think they are somehow immune from guilt etc. We are far more similar then we may like to think despite womens obvious driving problems. Neither gender has a monopoly on treating the other badly. I for one have never hit, done the dirt, or treated any girl very badly. The majority of my male and female friends are the same and the two people im friends with that have done it have also had it done to them.

watna

I think the only difference between men and women in these situations is that men are better able to compartmentalise their lives. So yes, they feel bad but they just keep that locked up in their brain and don't think about it. I think a lot of women lack this ability, I know I do. I overthink things and can't switch off. I think some women do have the ability to switch off and some men lack it but it's more common for a man to be able to think that way. So it may appear they don't feel bad but really they're just better at stopping themselves from feeling bad.

SarahSassy

And he also has the benefit of a new gf to make it all better grrrrr

WhiteWashMan

Quality wrote: »

He is a prick for leading you on, He should have been honest with you from the start.....

I dont think we should generalise on "all men" being unremorseful.
..

From the view of one person, it is considered 'leading on'.
from another way, it could be seen as just being indecisive.

I find it hard that many people actually go out of their way to lead someone on, to waste someones time and to just generally be horrible. i think people just dont make decisions they should make, and end up doing nothing, which in turn, leads to people thinking that they are actively wasting someones time. Ive done it so many times in my life. When you dont know what youre doing, and youre unsure of your own emotions, or what you want, the most obvious choice is to make no choice and just let events unfold and leave time to make the decision for you.

And yes, many people are unremorseful, but i think most people are. Personally, ive battered myself senseless over some of the things Ive done to other people. And a lot of it as I have described above. Ive hurt a lot of people over my own ability to not make a simple choice. But as you get older you realise that theres very little you can do about that but learn from your own mistakes. Theres no point in continuing to beat your self up over something thats past and that cant be rectified. Otherwise id be having an "my Name is Earl' type thing going on.

But to anyone Ive ever hurt or pissed off, I am truely truely sorry.And in the end, you were all better off without me. I was a complete tool until I was about 26.

WhiteWashMan

Balmed Out wrote: »

i cant understand how people can have so little understanding of the opposite sex .

Men and women arent that different. There a couple of larger differences, but overall, the best advice I can ever give to someone trying to understand the opposite gender is 'How would you feel, then thats probably how they feel'

Women are real people too you know!

SarahSassy

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

Women are real people too you know!

Ha ha yeah but are men????

I am getting to the angry stage now... Very annoyed that he let me book the flight only 4 weeks ago now... Hoping to get it claimed back on the insurance but also annoyed he didnt offer to pay for the flight.... I would take the money off him, give it to charity with the donator's name put in as MUPPET and post him the receipt.

Maple

SarahSassy wrote: »

Ha ha yeah but are men????

I am getting to the angry stage now... Very annoyed that he let me book the flight only 4 weeks ago now... Hoping to get it claimed back on the insurance but also annoyed he didnt offer to pay for the flight.... I would take the money off him, give it to charity with the donator's name put in as MUPPET and post him the receipt.

what sh1te are you talking?? you'd buy yourself something nice with it!! its the rules.
charity is all very good but a new lipstick/handbag would be much nicer.