boyfriend in trouble

brokensoul

HELP.

Boyfriend has been drinking too much for the last while ( as some people here might know iv had my own alcohol issues, but im dealing with them.) The funny thing is that we rarely drank together, drinking is something that he does alone and in secret.

He went on a big binge before Christmas which ended in me having to contact his parents as i couldnt leave him alone and i had to leave for Christmas. He was with his parents for Christmas and new year and stayed off drink. he returned on Tuesday night to go back gto work on Wednesday.

He only lasted in work til about 11 yesterday and drank for the rest of the day. He had an apt to see the doctor today to get some help and he turned up to the appointment after drinking a bottle fo vodka.

Both his parents and myself are beside ourselves with worry. I just feel so helpless and useless and i have no idea what the hell to do...

How Strange

Brokensoul, I remember your post about your alcohol problems so my advice for you is to stay away from your bf until he sorts himself out.

What you need right now is a quiet, uncomplicated life. You don't need the trauma and drama of someone else's personal problems.

I'm going to sound ruthless here but you are not his keeper, you can't fix him or make him better. But you can fix and help yourself so make you your no.1 priority and take a step back from this situation otherwise the stress of this will drive you back to drinking.

brokensoul

How Strange wrote: »

Brokensoul, I remember your post about your alcohol problems so my advice for you is to stay away from your bf until he sorts himself out.

What you need right now is a quiet, uncomplicated life. You don't need the trauma and drama of someone else's personal problems.

I'm going to sound ruthless here but you are not his keeper, you can't fix him or make him better. But you can fix and help yourself so make you your no.1 priority and take a step back from this situation otherwise the stress of this will drive you back to drinking.

I do appreciate what you are saying but honestly, the last thing i want to do right now is pick up a drink. He is not exactly a advert for it like!

I just hate watching him go through the same suffering that i went through and being unable to help.

How Strange

brokensoul...I just hate watching him go through the same suffering that i went through and being unable to help.

But that's the point - you can't help him. Only he can help himself. He is an adult and if he wants to get over this addiction then he can and will.

Give him the number of an AA clinic and tell him to attend. Then give him the space to get better.

Then think of yourself and what you need to be doing to keep yourself healthy.

brokensoul

How Strange wrote: »

But that's the point - you can't help him. Only he can help himself. He is an adult and if he wants to get over this addiction then he can and will.

Give him the number of an AA clinic and tell him to attend. Then give him the space to get better.

Then think of yourself and what you need to be doing to keep yourself healthy.

Just spokt ot his parents there. They are on the way so im going to meet them in his house with the doctor and between us try and get him to accept that he needs to go into treatment.

I remember ( though through a haze of alcohol!) this being done to me. It is the most awful, powerless feeling.

Am fairly sick to the stomach thinking about it but hopefully it might be the start of his recovery...

Dizzyblonde

How Strange wrote: »

But that's the point - you can't help him. Only he can help himself. He is an adult and if he wants to get over this addiction then he can and will.

Give him the number of an AA clinic and tell him to attend. Then give him the space to get better.

Then think of yourself and what you need to be doing to keep yourself healthy.

brokensoul please take this advice, you're doing fantastically well and you really don't need this stress no matter how much you love your boyfriend.
He has to admit he has a problem and seek help. It's time for tough love - he has to take responsibility for himself.

brokensoul

At least he is sober today!

He has agreed to go for an alcohol assessment next Tuesday and seems resigned that the options are residential care or out patients care.

Feeling a bit better today, wsa fierce stressed last night but went to a meeting and for coffee with some AA members after. I cant stress enough what a great organistation it is

Dizzyblonde

That's great news, I'm glad for him - and for you.

HarrierJoe

How Strange wrote:

Brokensoul, I remember your post about your alcohol problems so my advice for you is to stay away from your bf until he sorts himself out.

What you need right now is a quiet, uncomplicated life. You don't need the trauma and drama of someone else's personal problems.

This must be the worst, most pathetic advice I've ever heard. What a sad person you must be.

When in trouble - the ONLY way you'll get through troubles like this is with the help and support of friends and family. You should be ashamed of yourself. What comes around goes around. If you keep that attitute up, you will depart from this world a very lonely person.

Overheal

Very recently had a row with a friend because I was trying to say I wanted to make space and stop involving myself with her problems because Im turning into a wreck again myself: been forgetting the little things like instead of staying up all night talking to each other that i need to be in bed for class at 9.

But the truth is we all quickly forget the benefits: someone who cares about you; confides in you; respects your opinion; and gives YOU support when youre down (even if it is embarassing)

OP my advice is not to leave your boyfriend alone but you need to worry about yourself as well: its easy - too easy - to forget to take care of yourself when youre caring for others. Please fit your own oxygen mask before helping small children or other passengers.

He needs some strength and this could be a sink/swim moment for you. Be strong. Show him your strength. Don't confuse that with showing him pity: how else will he realize that its ultimately silly to wallow in self-pity. Ooh.. that rhymes..
Set the good example, and show him and yourself theres life without alcohol.

Victor

HarrierJoe wrote: »

This must be the worst, most pathetic advice I've ever heard. What a sad person you must be.

When in trouble - the ONLY way you'll get through troubles like this is with the help and support of friends and family. You should be ashamed of yourself. What comes around goes around. If you keep that attitute up, you will depart from this world a very lonely person.

I think your comments are unfair and don't appreciate what was said. Would you expect someone with broken legs to carry someone else with broken legs?

HarrierJoe

Victor wrote: »

I think your comments are unfair and don't appreciate what was said. Would you expect someone with broken legs to carry someone else with broken legs?

I am sorry you feel this way. If people just leave loved ones alone because they don't need the extra burden, why do we have friends, family, support groups, this forum, help lines etc?

Even if 2 people are stuck in the same "broken leg" situation, and they support each other with their fears, trials, triumphs, joys, sadness and worries, they have a far better chance of getting out of their situation than someone who is alone.

If BrokenSoul, for argument sake, is unable to support her boyfriend, I can understand that. But that's not what she stated above. If she did, this thread would have taken a completely different direction. But she can help. There are plenty of professional counseling services and anonymous helplines that she can call - even the VHI nurses helpline. She does not have to reveal her identity, and if they cannot help her, they will certainly point her in the right direction.

BrokenSoul came to this forum for help - not discouraging opinions. The bottom line is her friend needs professional help and if there are anyone who can make other suggestions then please do so.

How_Strange wrote:

Give him the number of an AA clinic and tell him to attend. Then give him the space to get better.

If someone is left on their own devices how can they be expected to improve without some accountability? People at the AA only "cares" on a professional level. And no one attending the AA is forced to do anything. (Although I agree that encouraging someone to go to the AA is definitely a step in the right direction.) The only people who would ensure that the person attending the AA pulls through is the ones that close and that cares - but this must be done in a loving, encouraging way, not negative and destructive way.

Marksie

Harrierjoe: Continued posting about the way the forum should operate is not for this thread.
If you wish take it to feedback.

The opinion and advice of How Strange is valid and reasonable. The only person who can change this is the OP boyfriend.
How strange points out that brokensouls may not be strong enough having gone through crises herself (thugh she may be). He is therefore asking her to look after herself first, not in a bad way, but so that she does not regress in her own development.

No one is saying her b/friend does not need professional help. But posters are fully entitled to give their opinions as long as they obey the rules of the charter.

HarrierJoe

Marksie wrote: »

Harrierjoe: Continued posting about the way the forum should operate is not for this thread.
If you wish take it to feedback.

Fine. I am dumbstruck.

Marksie wrote: »

He is therefore asking her to look after herself first, not in a bad way, ....

Ok but that's not the way I interpreted it.

Overheal

I'll just repeat: "Please fit your own oxygen mask before helping others"

How Strange

Wow, Harrierjoe, I log on here for a quick browse and find that you've take complete offence to what I said.

Marskie is absolutely correct; my postings were given in the context of an alcoholic who is only recently on the wagon finding that her bf is now in the same position that she was in a few months ago and from which she worked hard to get out of.

Believe me, I have experience of alcoholics and the heartbreak it brings for their families. It is heart wrenching to give 100% support to an alcoholic, to put your life on hold and put their needs before yours because you love then only to see them slide back down into that big black hole because they aren't yet ready/capable to help themselves.

The point is sometimes the best support you can give is to stand back and let that person make the realisation that they have to make the first steps themselves. When they get to that point then of course you can be there for them but you can't save someone else. And its a lovely idealistic notion to believe you can but I'm sure other people whose family/partners/friends are alcoholics will agree that it is so heartbreaking to see someone you love destroy themselves. And regardless of how much support you give them, because they will tell you what you want to hear (I'll get help this time etc) until they are ready to confront the gravity of their alcoholism then no-one can help them.

In the context of the OP, I was concerned that she was putting the needs of her bf before her own at a time when she needs to be thinking of herself and her needs.

You may not agree with this viewpoint but it is based on some experience of alcoholism so if it sounds harsh its because I have been there and realised that sometimes being hard and tough is the best thing (in my situation) for dealing with an alcoholic person.

HarrierJoe

How Strange wrote: »

You may not agree with this viewpoint but it is based on some experience of alcoholism so if it sounds harsh its because I have been there and realised that sometimes being hard and tough is the best thing (in my situation) for dealing with an alcoholic person.

But you have to concede that you handle each situation differently. I doubt if anyone can offer treat-all-the-same advice and recommend measures if they are not aware of the full history/situation. Unless I know the OP personally, I certainly can't.

How Strange

Harrierjoe, the point is this is a forum where people come for advice, I gave mine. You didn't agree with it and launched into a fairly irrational nasty attack on me.

This being a public forum we can all read advice and think that sh1te and we can disregard, argue with etc but all within context and with a modicum of respect for each other.

Yes my advice is subjective but so is 90% of the advice given here.

That's the last comment I will make on the matter as it is detracting from the original issue of the OP and her problem.