Some Clarity for '08

flyingdagger

To cut a really,really long story shortish, i ended up hanging out with my ex for new years eve.I know there are 3 sides to every story-Mine.Yours.The real situation.I can only give my point of view

Bit of background,we were together for a few months.Split up+no contact at all.He went through a really rough period Jan '07 and i got in touch to see how he was coping.This kicked off us hanging out lots and for a few months it was brillant.Things have slowly gone downhill over the past 3 months due to me being stressed over flatmates/work etc and him suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder+depression.We started to argue,mainly started by him(common feature of B.P.D).Spoke about splitting up due to the fact that he wants a nonmonogamous relationship and i didn't(tried kissing+hanging with another person but it wrecked my head+made me realise it was my guy that i wanted.He was aware of all this).So trying to be mates with each other and it seemed to be going ok the few times we hung out pre xmas.

Then called to his new years eve.Ended up getting food+a few cans.Long story short it was cool,not awkward,just mates watching a dvd.Then at 5am he went to bed and i got a duvet to crash on couch.Ended up hugging,kissing and the rest is history.When in the shower the next day things started to click and some things he said over the night made me sure that he had slept with an old f***buddy/mate before xmas.I panicked and left his house without saying goodbye.

Before people jump down my throat for doing so-I know it wasn't fair to leave without a goodbye but i felt ill at the thought of him sleeping with her,even the fact that the lamp she gave him is on display in his living room seemed like a reminder when i left.I didn't want another argument about him wanting to see other people and if i stayed there would have been one.I also know that him and i aren't together anymore,shouldn't have slept together etc but it doesn't stop it hurting like hell.I guess that somehow i thought that we could work through stuff,thought that he loved me.

I text him to say sorry,i had to leave,that i can try and do the friends thing but can't handle being a shag for him from time to time,it was a mistake etc.He replied that i had ruined his day,i was a selfish bitch,that i stomped into his space and took it over etc etc.When i replied why i felt this way and mentioned a liason with the other woman,he didn't deny it.When i said this to him,i was told to f*** off,leave him alone etc.

Has anyone any advice on moving on?Its difficult,he was such a huge part of my life for a year,trusted him with a lot of stuff.Need to get some clarity but am failing miserably so far.Feel that i'm not the worst person,i can be an idiot from time to time like anyone.But i've tried to be good to him over the year and care about him a lot.I left because i couldn't handle another fight,being called names
Sorry if it's been a long post but i'd appreciate some opinions from other people.I know time will help but at the moment i feel lost.Is it possible to remain mates with someone after so much history?

JuliusCaesar

Regard it as a one-night stand. It's the easiest thing in the world to succumb to sex with the ex.

WhiteWashMan

Delete his number, start living your own life, go out with your own friends, meet new friends, take up a hobby, find a new fella to have sex with, find new places to go out to, buy some new clothes and get a new hair do, try some different make up but most of all, just stay away from your ex.
Wehter its his disposition, or hes just a muppet, he sounds pretty immature, and he is not in a place where you would like him to be either, so there is really no point. all you are going to do is make both of you miserable if you try and stick in there and get him to conform to what you need. You need something different, then you need to go and find it elsewhere.
We are all idiots at some stage or another, just learn from it and move on.

Petey2006

Unfortunately, OP, the only way to really get over him is to cut contact completely. I was in a similar situation with an ex of mine. Despite knowing it was the wrong thing to do, I kept seeing her after we broke up, hanging out and just being mates. But because there were residual feelings there, it made our 'friendship' impossible. It was only by making a clean break that I was able to move on. Since then, we have become friends, and hang out on rare occasions (mutual friends calls for this) but it's always cool. Clean break is the best way. Best of luck

flyingdagger

Thanks for your views,just thought that prior to this that we could be in each others lives as friends without history getting in the way.Have heard nothing from him and don't really expect to.I presume i'll just be added to the long list of woman that he has had in his life..I'm heartbroken,he lit up my life in so many ways;the thought of not being able to talk about stuff/do things together is scary.

Sleepy

Like WWM says, delete his number and move on.

Some people you can be friends with after a breakup, others you can't. He's not one of the one's you can stay friends with.

Son_of_Belial

Hmm... Give him some space and chat to him maybe. His nastiness may be because of the whole BPD thing. But then again, you don't want to be with someone who just wants to use you. Also, whoever he sleeps with when you weren't together is frankly not your business (so long as there's no chance you're likely to catch any STIs, and I'm not being funny here). Other than that, you don't need an @r$€;hole like that bugging ya.

King of Kings

i have no experience of mental illness but tbh it sounds like you excuse asshole behaviour cos of his condition and this allows him to treat you badly.

he has no right to tell you to "**** off" and this crap of "ruining his day"

as previous peoples have said - ignore him.
in a years time you'll wonder why you bothered.

estar

he isnt your friend he isnt your boyfriend. he sounds rude, selfish, and not
very interested in you. he seems solely interested in himself.

sometimes we meet people who suck us in with all their issues. we get addicted to the highs and the lows. is it on, is it off. it can be more exciting than the humdrum of being in a caring non rollercoaster relationship where people dont pick you up and drop you but are around all the time just being nice.

it can also lead to you forgetting all about what you want from a relationship
and just thinking about the catch and chase.

he said fcuk off and leave him alone. seriously.
you dont value yourself enough if you accept that and are still agonising
over him.

if he liked you he would want to know how to fix it and what he could do to make you happy, and that would be all.

move on to someone who tries to make you happy all the time and not just when hes not obsessing about himself.

LegacyUser

Amen to all that......I've just had cause to review a similar "relationship" and realised that I was the one doing all the work while the return was a head-wrecking combination of normality, OTT full-steam ahead and pure contempt and disrespect on her part.

Yes, the BPD (or whatever, I'm not an expert) can be a factor, but it can also be used as an excuse; where's the dividing line ? I haven't a notion after the rollercoaster that was the last few weeks but I know that if she was even half interested I'd still be there, but at the moment it looks like it was all a con or an easy cop-out.

I wasn't staying around when it was blatantly obvious 80% of the time that I wasn't wanted. Yes, it's a tough call and I barely have my sanity as a result of trying to figure out how much leeway to give someone who's going through crap; and yes, my heart still goes out to her occasionally, but at this stage I genuinely can't figure whether that's justified or whether I was a complete gullible mug.

So cut your losses, for your own sake. Otherwise it'll affect you too - believe me. Someone out there will appreciate you properly.

And if I post here again on a related subject, someone please direct me to my own advice.....

WhiteWashMan

flyingdagger wrote: »

the thought of not being able to talk about stuff/do things together is scary.

And that right there is the biggest reason why so many people get back together, and its the worst reason to.

Being scared and lonely happens. Its natural. Its not nice, but dont ever make it make you go back with someone. Ever.

If you are that desperate to be with someone, ask here. Plenty of people will go out on a date! You just don't need to get back with someone that treats you badly becusae you're lonely and scared.

flyingdagger

Hey,well yesterday wrapped the whole situation into a neat package for me.I text him to find out where i could drop stuff(eg shop) that he left in my house.I get a load of really nasty messages back.followed by a long abusive email,i replied to it calmly that i want nothing more to do with him+just wanted to know what he wanted done with his clothes+books.Another abusive email informing me that he had contacted the local cops(this ties in with an incident a few months back where i had to contact the gardai)saying that i was harrassing him.Also some vague threats mentioned also.I contacted the same cop that i dealt with in sept and explained the situation,she has offered to follow up+wanted me to fax her the emails.I just want the situation to go away and told her as such.

Estar,i understand the theory of addictive highs and lows.But yesterday was the final straw and made me realise how damaged,self absorbed and possibly dangerous he is.

Whitewash,i'm not desperate to be with someone,i think you took me up wrong.Whats scary to me is the thought of someone i deeply trusted,could talk to him about anything,and considered him my closest confidant(sp?) and thats gone.I haven't spoken to my mates in detail about him as they don't like the sound of him or moreso how upset he makes me when he's in one of his depression/anger periods.I don't want to go near anyone else as i'm gonna lick the wounds,let them heal and start living my life again.

I hear you!
I feel the same after this year,i've managed to get to '08 with my sanity barely intact. feel free to PM if you want to talk about your situation.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.