I think my bf tried to kill me

lollilollilolli

Im with my boyfriend nearly a year , hes a lovely guy and i like him a lot, but when he drinks he becomes v weird and sometimes picks fights.

Something happened last night that has shaken me to my core, i was in the bath and my bf was staying over- he had been out with his friends and was a little drunk when he came to my house.

Anyway i was in the bath and he appeared into the bathroom and sat down chatting to me. I lay down in the bath to rinse my hair and all of a sudden im under the water being held down by him. I started screaming and thrashing around, Both his hands were holding my head down. A few seconds later he let go- i jumped out of the bath and ran into my bedroom, he came in after me laughing and saying "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" and went in to watch telly.

I came out an hour later and he had passed out on the couch, so i went asleep in my room and locked the door, when i got up today he was gone

He called me tonight asking why he hasnt heard from me alll day, and when i told him why he laughed and said "Take a chill pill you drama queen I was having a laugh with you.

I dont know what on earths going on is his head, was he joking or was my bf trying to kill me?

Solair

Do not spend ANY time on your own with that guy!

Dump him and stay very far away from him. That is just scary behaviour and completely inexcusable.

Get out of that relationship a.s.a.p.!!!

Gordon

I certainly wouldn't like it if my sister were in your position.

LegacyUser

Get out of that relationship asap! If he wont leave you alone after that, threaten to tell the gardai what he did - because technically it was attempted murder.

Pigman II

Some people just get turned on by that kind of weird stuff. I know I do! I even got turned on reading your post. Was it not exciting for you in the least?

biko

It may have been funny inside his own head but this behaviour is inexcusable, bordering some sort of assault. Demand an explanation and dump him if you think he might not appreciate the seriousness of what just happened.

Normal people may fantasise about harming their partner during an angry row or similar but do not act out like this in real life.

m2c

Jesus Wept

lollilollilolli wrote: »

Im with my boyfriend nearly a year , hes a lovely guy and i like him a lot, but when he drinks he becomes v weird and sometimes picks fights.

Drink reveals that element of him, it doesn't create it.

Gordon

Pigman II wrote: »

Some people just get turned on by that kind of weird stuff. I know I do! I even got turned on reading your post. Was it not exciting for you in the least?

Banned

professore

Pigman II wrote: »

Some people just get turned on by that kind of weird stuff. I know I do! I even got turned on reading your post. Was it not exciting for you in the least?

Yes perhaps ... but this was not consensual. You are a perv to be asking this traumatised girl this !!!!!

Kali

Please don't let this slide. It's very disturbing... as an above poster said, demand a proper explanation and do not accept anything but an honest and serious answer.
Now it's something that a young boy might do in a swimming pool having a laugh with some mates (and which might be the eventual "drunken" explanation), but to do that as an adult to a girlfriend (or anyone!) is definitely bizarre and very random, and obviously extremely distressing for you. I wouldn't go as far as the "dump him" posts, but definitely tell him where to stick it.

Jesus Wept

Kali wrote: »

Please don't let this slide. It's very disturbing... as an above poster said, demand a proper explanation and do not accept anything but an honest and serious answer.
Now it's something that a young boy might do in a swimming pool having a laugh with some mates (and which might be the eventual "drunken" explanation), but to do that as an adult to a girlfriend (or anyone!) is definitely bizarre and very random, and obviously extremely distressing for you. I wouldn't go as far as the "dump him" posts, but definitely tell him where to stick it.

She should dump him because imo he falls into one of two categories:

a: Psychopath
b: Complete imbecile

Dord

Thats certainly not healthy at all. Stay away from him!

Toots

s0mename wrote: »

Get out of that relationship asap! If he wont leave you alone after that, threaten to tell the gardai what he did - because technically it was attempted murder.

+1

But don't just threaten to tell the Gardai, actually make a report. Even if there's nothing they can do to follow it up etc, do it anyway so that they have it on the record. That doesn't sound like a drunken bit of fun, he sounds like a psycho. Ud have to be pretty f**ked up to think something like that would be funny, but there's a huge difference between thinking it and actually doing it. Delete his number from your phone and never ever see him again!

Overheal

Pigman II wrote: »

Some people just get turned on by that kind of weird stuff. I know I do! I even got turned on reading your post. Was it not exciting for you in the least?

actually, this could be true 0.o knew a guy who was like this. he was into all that snuffy dead ****

Ballerina

Is the first real scary thing hes done while drunk the whole time you've been with him?

and did he remember doing it?

if its a once off and he didnt remember it then id just put it down to far too many drinks!i know it only takes one night though for him to have a really hurt you or even killed you so thats not a great exuse

sounds like he should go easy on the drink or he could really hurt someone if he always gets that aggressive!

Even if he didnt remember doing it, did he not understand how you were really scared by the situation?he probably should have been apologetic??lots of questions to be answered there i think...

Treora

Can we take it that there never was any dominant sexual behaviour before? If it is then perhaps the reason (not excuse) is the effects that some or all alcohol has. Absinthe has an epileptic effect. Some people are genetically pre-disposed to bipolar placid/aggressive behaviour on alcohol consumption, purely chemical and not your regular Templebar behaviour. There may be other drugs involved or he could normalising an internal aggressive urge (blame the internet).

No matter how you cut it, you have to protect yourself from unconsentual acts of aggression. If you cannot avoid him over the next couple of days, keep him away from alcohol, stay in groups. And IF you do find yourself in a situation where you feel compromised turn the tables and seduce him into a submissive role. A guy who is blindfolded and whose hands are tied is not a much of a threat.

pretty-in-pink

Don't stick around for this type of thing. You said he has been thratening before, he could well end up really hurting you. I've seen it happen to far too many friends of mine, leave him now before he does any more damage.

Laslo

Sounds like you're blaming the drink and not your psychotic boyfriend. My advice:

• Dump him immediately
• Cut off all contact. Unlike another poster said, do not demand an explaination. Just avoid this nutjob like the plague
• Report the incident to the Gardai - men who demonstrate frightening, potentially murderous behaviour like this should be known to the authorities
• Explain what happened to your family and close friends so that they know to avoid him

LegacyUser

I have a mate who's recently been diagnosed as a paronied schycophrenic (wrong spellling!!)
...Anyways his really weird behaviour only came out when he was drunk.....Stay clear of yir man he sounds familiar(only more vicious!!)

lollilollilolli

Laslo wrote: »

Sounds like you're blaming the drink and not your psychotic boyfriend.

where did i say that?

how is mentioning he changes when he drinks "blaming the drink" exactly?

biko

lollilollilolli wrote: »

how is mentioning he changes when he drinks "blaming the drink" exactly?

When you say that he is only weird when he drinks this causes us to believe you think it's drink that does this to him.

lollilollilolli

biko wrote: »

When you say that he is only weird when he drinks this causes us to believe you think it's drink that does this to him.

no i was letting people know that the only time ive seen him go like this is when theres alcohol involved- wasnt any kind of accusation just a bit of information

Drink or no drink it's totally inexcusable behaviour, the guy clearly has issues if he thinks that sort of carrying on is a bit of laugh.
Personally I'd get out of the relationship straight away and also report this incident to the Gardai.

biko

Ok so either A) he stops drinking or you leave or C) he gets his act together big time.
This is the way I see it - if he gets away with "play drowning" you once he may try something similar again. People will push you until you push back - now is the time for you to push back, hard.

Karl Hungus

Drink shouldn't bring out something like that in someone who's mentally sound. I'd say this kind of thing was in him already, and that you would be well advised to get as far away from him as possible.

I would get the Gardai involved too, perhaps a restraining order, at the least.

Honestly, that is very disturbing, and do not take it lying down.

Treora

Laslo wrote: »

Sounds like you're blaming the drink and not your psychotic boyfriend.

Laslo, so uncool. Perhaps you're trying constructive criticism but it ain't looking that way.

Lolli, boards make everything appear b&w to the reader, especially those posting at this time of the morning and relationships are so much more complex. Safety first, but understanding the origins of the actions will help you to a sturdier solution. If a guy is on the edge and one goes all out then that might just end up being a trigger. Something you should only face if you have a pet pitbull. If he is mostly normal then having him disarm is better than purely building a wall. Perhaps professional help is the way to go and don't compromise yourself.

Jesus Wept

Treora wrote: »

Laslo, so uncool. Perhaps you're trying constructive criticism but it ain't looking that way.

Lolli, boards make everything appear b&w to the reader, especially those posting at this time of the morning and relationships are so much more complex. Safety first, but understanding the origins of the actions will help you to a sturdier solution. If a guy is on the edge and one goes all out then that might just end up being a trigger. Something you should only face if you have a pet pitbull. If he is mostly normal then having him disarm is better than purely building a wall. Perhaps professional help is the way to go

This....

Treora wrote: »

and don't compromise yourself.

...and this are contradictory.


The fact that her boyfriend didn't even realise he had done something bizarre and/or that she was upset shows that he is completely out of touch with reality.

PeakOutput

iv always kinda thought that people overreact to forums posts(iv done it myself) but this one takes the biscuit. "attempted murder" grow the **** up tbh either you ahve no idea what you are talking about or you enjoy bandying about serious accusations about people you dont know at all

your boyfriend absolutely crossed a line no doubt about it but that dosnt make him a psycho or whatever like other people are saying.

im sure iv been in situations where iv thought i could just do this or not do that and the person would die and im sure iv been the "victim" of the same aswell. the same way that me putting myself in a situation were it is a possibility(however slim) that i might die does not mean i want to commit suicide him doing/sayng this does not mean he actually wants it to happen.

if there is one opinion i will stand by its that the simplest answer is the right one the vast majority of the time. the simplest answer in this case is that your boyfriend, however stupid and misguided he is, legitimately thought what he was doing was funny and he was "having a laugh" anything other than this is less probable.

i think the telling fact here is that the first thing you thoguht was he is trying to kill you while he is drunk. this dosnt make it true but it does raise questions about why you have this impression of him when he is intoxicated

meglome

I don't think he was trying to kill you but it really wasn't a nice thing to do. As someone who almost drowned when I was younger I would go crazy if someone held my head under water, messing around is fair enough but to just shove your head under the water and hold you there is not okay. There would be no circumstance where I'd be okay with that. I think his attitude after the fact takes the biccie. To hold someone head under water and then say "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" is really wrong. The fact he thinks it's okay means it time for you to stay well away from him.

Requiem4adream

Vaguely similar happened to me in Crete this year. On holiday with the lads, in the pool messing around (i cant swim either) and 2 of them decide to dunk me and hold me down for a laugh - felt powerless, not a nice feeling. I laughed it off but it's fair to say i didnt see the funny side to it at all & they were in stitches laughing. I dont know if this is the case with your boyfriend or not, but lads (im 25, my friends same age/older) can find purile humour way funnier than it should be, especially when drink/drugs are involved.

How long have you been together? I presume this is the 1st time he's done something like this, if it's not the 1st time then :

dump him
tell your parents & brothers (if you have any).
Make it clear in no uncertain terms you want nothing to do with him

If he persists, involve the Guards. I think people are way too quick on message boards to suggest the Guards. As for suggesting attempted murder, that's a ridiculous suggestion.

If this is the 1st time he's done it, i'd be inviting him over to somewhere you feel comfortable (home) for a chat and ask him what on Earth he thought he was playing at? If you dont get a satisfactory answer or one you're content with, then dump him.

damonjewel

lollilollilolli wrote: »

when he drinks he becomes v weird and sometimes picks fights.

Dump him now!

This guy is either a violent nutcase, or someone who's got a serious drinking issue. Either way if you don't dump him you will most probably be at the receiving end of one of his violent episodes.

DublinWriter

Drink only takes away inhibitions. Obviously those impulses are there in him when he's sober.

Psycho alert. Run away.

Karl Hungus

Requiem4adream wrote: »

Vaguely similar happened to me in Crete this year. On holiday with the lads, in the pool messing around (i cant swim either) and 2 of them decide to dunk me and hold me down for a laugh

Well tbh, in a pool situation, with friends around, it's just hijinks. Alone with someone in a bathtub, and having them remark how they could've killed you, that's something very, very different.

jawlie

Kali wrote: »

Please don't let this slide. It's very disturbing... as an above poster said, demand a proper explanation and do not accept anything but an honest and serious answer.
I wouldn't go as far as the "dump him" posts, but definitely tell him where to stick it.

lollilollilolli wrote: »

where did i say that?

how is mentioning he changes when he drinks "blaming the drink" exactly?

The problem with someone who has an addiction, which your description of your boyfriends behaviour seems to outline, is that they are not able to control themselves. If your boyfriends behaviour manifests itself as violent towards you, then you have two choices;

1. You must either put up with violence, and the threat of violence, in the meantime, and all that might entail, and hope he gets it sorted out or
2. You can choose to leave him until or unless he sorts it out, and remove yourself from his dangerous behaviour.

Toots85 wrote: »

+1

But don't just threaten to tell the Gardai, actually make a report. Even if there's nothing they can do to follow it up etc, do it anyway so that they have it on the record. That doesn't sound like a drunken bit of fun, he sounds like a psycho. Ud have to be pretty f**ked up to think something like that would be funny, but there's a huge difference between thinking it and actually doing it. Delete his number from your phone and never ever see him again!

The most disturbing aspect of his behaviour is that he refused to take it seriously when you told him how it distressed you, and how it frightened you. What do you think this says about how he feels about you?

If it were me, I would definitely make a Garda report and remove myself from harm. By not making the Garda report, there is a danger that he will view his behaviour as acceptable to you and, by making a garda report, it gives him a chance to understand just how serious his problem is and may well set him on the path to helping himself.

Either way, who would anyone choose to remain with someone who behaves like that? If you are still unsure, go and talk to Al Anon ( http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/ ) and you will be able to discuss this serious problem with people who have seen it all too many times before, often with more serious consequences.

Requiem4adream

Karl Hungus wrote: »

Well tbh, in a pool situation, with friends around, it's just hijinks. Alone with someone in a bathtub, and having them remark how they could've killed you, that's something very, very different.

Agree.

All i'm saying is it's at least possible his mind was working on the same level - i.e. for some reason thought it would be mildly hilarious to do it. Purile drunken humour as opposed to borderline-psychotic behaviour. Not most people's idea of funny. To jump to a snap-conclusion that he must be a psycho/unstable/delusional weirdo with designs on murder is ridiculous.

Nevyn

Treora wrote: »

Can we take it that there never was any dominant sexual behaviour before?

That is not sexual dominant behaviour or dominant behaviour that was abuse pure and simple.

No one deserves to be abused.

Marksie

Good gods OP: you must have been terrified.

This was not a consentual act. Whether or not it was motivated by a Power/Control desire you had not agreed to this. *If* there was a sexual element to it it still does not alter the fact that you did not consent to the the role.

The drink may be a contributory factor but it has to be there in the first place, plus doing things like that with drink taken, lead to a severe loss of judgment and this could have been more serious. Can you think of any times he has non-physically used methods to control your behaviour? They will be there.

I dont believe he was trying to kill you, but he was proving something or wanting somehthing to himself.

His subsequent dismissal of what happened is unforgivable and shows his real character. No amount of asking him to stop or to go for help will work as he doesnt care or see it as an issue

Do you want to go through this again? By doing nothing about it you are going to allow it to happen again.

I would without hesitation, walk and leave him high and dry.

I would also, inform the gardai, its entirely possible that he will do this again to the next unfortunate.


The latter is your choice of course but No-one should be subjected to that kind of terrorising behaviour.

No sitting down and saying "but I love him" will excuse this. He should be history, now!

spurious

What he did was way over the line of any range of acceptable behaviour. The fact that he tells you to 'take a chill pill' rather than apologising profusely (if we were to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe the lie that people who drink lots do not know what they are doing) makes it even more disturbing.
Leave him now and under no circumstances take him back/go back to him.

Could you absolutely say you know for a fact he would not do it again? Or do it to a child in the future?

Leave. I would also report it to the guards but that is your choice.

dame

lollilollilolli wrote: »

Im with my boyfriend nearly a year , hes a lovely guy and i like him a lot, but when he drinks he becomes v weird and sometimes picks fights.

Something happened last night that has shaken me to my core, i was in the bath and my bf was staying over- he had been out with his friends and was a little drunk when he came to my house.

Anyway i was in the bath and he appeared into the bathroom and sat down chatting to me. I lay down in the bath to rinse my hair and all of a sudden im under the water being held down by him. I started screaming and thrashing around, Both his hands were holding my head down. A few seconds later he let go- i jumped out of the bath and ran into my bedroom, he came in after me laughing and saying "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" and went in to watch telly.

I came out an hour later and he had passed out on the couch, so i went asleep in my room and locked the door, when i got up today he was gone

He called me tonight asking why he hasnt heard from me alll day, and when i told him why he laughed and said "Take a chill pill you drama queen I was having a laugh with you.

I dont know what on earths going on is his head, was he joking or was my bf trying to kill me?

Power trip??? A boyfriend should not be trying to have a power-trip of any sort over his grilfriend. That was very dangerous, whether he thinks it was just a bit of fun or not. Drink makes him anti-social and unpleasant (at the very least) and then he pushes your head under the water with both hands.......what if his judgement was impaired by the drink and meant that he held you under for longer than he meant to?

Dump him. Could you ever live in peace wondering when he'd try to have another dangerous power trip at your expense? Make sure you are never alone with him ever again. Remember he can be violent and ex-boyfriends with a tendency to violent rows can be very nasty towards ex-girlfriends. Make a ststement about the incident to the guards. It's better to have it on record even if it is never needed again.

adsgirl

Get as faraway from the guy as possible!!
Even if this was a one off incident, it was an incident that could have resulted in you getting hurt.
For him to laugh it off suggests that he has lost control and there is every possibility it could happen again.

Laslo

Treora wrote: »

Laslo, so uncool. Perhaps you're trying constructive criticism but it ain't looking that way.

Excuse me? Please qualify this with something more substantial as it just sounds like silly dogma to me.

Treora wrote: »

Lolli, boards make everything appear b&w to the reader, especially those posting at this time of the morning and relationships are so much more complex. Safety first, but understanding the origins of the actions will help you to a sturdier solution.

You're not Sigmund Freud so stop trying to be. The actions of her boyfriend alone speak for themselves. Trying to 'find a sturdier solution' is incredibly naive and stupid advice in this instance.

Treora wrote: »

If a guy is on the edge and one goes all out then that might just end up being a trigger.

So what? If it triggers him to attack her properly or go nuts in the local shopping mall with an uzi then that's awful. But the OP has to think of herself first. Avoid this nutcase and call the Gardai.

Treora wrote: »

If he is mostly normal then having him disarm is better than purely building a wall.

What moronic and woolly headed advice! This psycho began to drown her, shouted "what a power trip" afterwards and then told her to "take a chill pill" when he had sobered up the next day! My God, Treora - how can you possibly suggest that the OP even consider going near this guy again.

Treora wrote: »

Perhaps professional help is the way to go and don't compromise yourself.

He needs professional help, she needs to run.

the_syco

lollilollilolli wrote: »

he came in after me laughing and saying "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" and went in to watch telly.

If he enjoyed it once, he may do it again, except a bit longer, for a better feeling. It'll be a pity when someone finds your lifeless corpse, though. I'd advise you to report it to the Gardai, so they'll have an idea who killed you.

This isn't a joke, but he treated it as one, so I'd advise you to dump him, and let your parents know that he is dangerous.

Miss Fluff

The fact is your were frightened enough to lock your bedroom door when you went to sleep that night. He obviously scares you. Fine to be scared of heights/serial rapists on the run/spiders/walking down dark alleys. You should NOT be afraid of your partner and his behaviour is bloody terrifying. I would hazard a guess that this will not be a one-off incident. To show so little empathy/compassion and show you, his girlfriend, a purely vicious streak like that does not bode well OP. Tell your friends/family and make a clean break because he sounds like a nasty individual, you mightn't be so lucky next time OP.

PeakOutput

the_syco wrote: »

If he enjoyed it once, he may do it again, except a bit longer, for a better feeling. It'll be a pity when someone finds your lifeless corpse, though. I'd advise you to report it to the Gardai, so they'll have an idea who killed you.

i really cant believe your for real. do you really think you can judge this guy as a killer from less than 100 lines written by a traumatised person.

its posts like above that make this place laughable sometimes complete and utter bull****

like i said before it is overwelmingly probable that he thought it would be funny and did it on the spur of the moment

this makes him stupid it does not make him ted bundy

Bottle_of_Smoke

PeakOutput wrote: »

i really cant believe your for real. do you really think you can judge this guy as a killer from less than 100 lines written by a traumatised person.

its posts like above that make this place laughable sometimes complete and utter bull****

like i said before it is overwelmingly probable that he thought it would be funny and did it on the spur of the moment

this makes him stupid it does not make him ted bundy

You're probably right but just read this again

"he came in after me laughing and saying "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" and went in to watch telly."

Even if he's not a potential murderer he is a complete f*ckwit. Also very inconsiderate. Not being able to breathe is one of the most panic inspiring things you can experience.

I think she should report it. Even for his sake, he needs to cop on or he could do something that might kill someone.

SligoBrewer

Dump him immediately OP and get as far away as possible from him.

Dunking you under water for his kicks, it is just plain psychopathic

edanto

Do you really need advice about this one? Can't you just imagine what your family would say if you told them what happenned and then follow that advice?

Get away from him, tell him you were frightened and what he did freaked you out - it isn't something you want to 'talk about', it's over. pack your bags.

Maybe it is something that he could get over with professional help and a lack of drink, but you're not there to fix his problems. Look out for yourself and get out.

PeakOutput

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Even if he's not a potential murderer he is a complete f*ckwit. Also very inconsiderate. Not being able to breathe is one of the most panic inspiring things you can experience.

dont get me wrong i think she should dump him its just the almost completely unfounded and overreactionary accusations that he is defo a cold blooded killer i take issue with. not least because its only going to frighten the op more

Laslo

PeakOutput wrote: »

i really cant believe your for real. do you really think you can judge this guy as a killer

From what the OP wrote, I think most of us can conclude that her boyfriend is highly mentally unbalanced with violent tendencies. That being the case, she needs to dump him immediately, cut off all contact with him and notify the Gardai of his psychotic and violent behaviour. He may not be a murderer but he's showing some of the symptoms.

Carrigart Exile

Hi OP, I was trying to look at your post from both sides. Yours, being held underwater..extremely frightening. His, just dunking you under the water, nothing but a bit of horseplay. Maybe just different sences of humour. But then you quote him saying "How weird was that i could have killed ya- what a power trip eh" and that scared me.

No one should live in fear of the partner and I have a horrible feeling you may end up finding more and more reasons to fear him. However, dumping someone isn't easy, especially if you do love them. If you are up to it, a sit down (maybe in a cafe) with him would be a good idea to discuss 'his weirdness' and is it put on by him or something more worrying.

PeakOutput

Laslo wrote: »

From what the OP wrote, I think most of us can conclude that her boyfriend is highly mentally unbalanced with violent tendencies. That being the case, she needs to dump him immediately, cut off all contact with him and notify the Gardai of his psychotic and violent behaviour. He may not be a murderer but he's showing some of the symptoms.

sorry i wasnt aware of your qualifications in psychology i bow down to your superior knowledge in the area...........oh wait.

she can definitely get him done for assault if she wants. he sounds like a dick when he is drunk if he generally picking fights (on a side note. if you do a bit of research you will find that this is not cold blooded killer behaviour)and for me that would be enough to see him out the door but you are not going to persuade me that the wannabe doctors of psychology here are not doing more harm than good with their replies

edited typo