She's Pregnant

LegacyUser

Reg poster going anon for this.

I've been seeing a girl for about two months now, it was pretty casual and if I'm honest I didn't really see it having long term potential. She's just called me to tell me that she was told by her doctor today that she's a little over three weeks pregnant.

I'm totally shell shocked. We used protection and it's one of those things I never expected to happen to me. This is going to change my life massively and right now I can't see that as a good thing though I know that's probably just initial shock.

Anyone gone through this? She's on her way to my place now and I'm terrified. I really don't know how to handle this.

Nevyn

Contaception is not 100%.
I suggest that first and foremost you listen.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php

LegacyUser

You say it was a "pretty casual" relationship, and you didn't mention anywhere that she was your girlfriend so (and I don't mean to offend here) - are you 100% sure that it wasn't somebody else who got her pregnant? Might be something to look into.

Toots

Thaedydal wrote: »

Contaception is not 100%.
I suggest that first and foremost you listen.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php

+1

OP, it's normal to be scared/shocked etc, but you will be ok.
This happened to my cousin and he was only 17, but they got through it and now have a beautiful baby girl.

Don't forget ur GF is probably feeling the same, if not worse than you are right now, so give her the support she needs too.

http://www.cura.ie

Best of luck, OP!

IamBeowulf

ScaredtobeaDad, I know how you feel. Me and my gf found out she was pregnant. We were together longer than you two, but the shock and fear was no less powerful.

Do 3 things:

1. Remember this is not the worst thing to happen. In fact, it could turn out to be the best thing. Far better than getting hit by a bus or told your toes need to be amputated:)

2. Tell your parents. No-one understands how you feel more than your folks. They'll talk to you and help you deal with your worries.

3. Listen to your gf. Let her talk. Ask her how she feels. This is far more terrifying for her. I'm not putting you down. I just mean she also worries about the physical side of things.

4. Both of you go to the pregnancy advice centres. They are really brilliant. No pressure pro-life OR pro-choice. It's rally a comfort zone for both of you to speak with a calming counselor who will go through the options and all the implications.

5. If in doubt, see point 1.

Please feel free to PM me if there's anything I can do. I know exactly how you feel. It's a maelstrom of emotions. Just don't put yourself under any pressure. Be there for each other, and be open to any help or advice offered, and the both of you will be OK.

thefinalstage

Make sure its yours. Simple as.

Nevyn

thelastangryman wrote: »

Make sure its yours. Simple as.

No way to be 100% until after the child is born and a test is done.

The Hacker

Thaedydal wrote: »

No way to be 100% until after the child is born and a test is done.

Or he could simply ask her..

longshanks

i dont want to sound too blunt, but abortion is also an option. and sometimes its the better option.

glasgowspremier

Is 3 weeks not a bit early to know if you are pregnant or not?
I cannot imagine a doctor calculating pregnancy that early.
According to my scant knowledge of these things (never having been pregnant) and a brief scan of the web, week 1 of pregnancy is the week of your last period so most lwomen wouldn't have suspicions they were pregnant until probably week 5 when they have missed a period.
I would agree with the advice of an earlier poster and listen to your partner - listen carefully-and ask questions.

Nevyn

It is possible to be 3 weeks later and upon testing that becomes 3 weeks pregnant.
Abortion is an option for some and for some it is not.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php

has links to serval differing places that do crises pregnancy couselling and not just for the mother to be and they usually happy to see couples.

IamBeowulf

The centre just off OConnell St in Dublin is very good. Staff very friendly, and counselors are open, honest and non-judgemental.

Nevyn

IamBeowulf wrote: »

The centre just off OConnell St in Dublin is very good. Staff very friendly, and counselors are open, honest and non-judgemental.

that would be the irish family planning clinic on cathal brugha st.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling a little calmer about this after talking to her.

She'll be having the baby and I've said that regardless of what happens between us, I'll be there to help raise it. I'm as sure as a man can be that it's mine, we've been exclusive since about the third or fourth date. She has two kids from a previous relationship and thanked me for not asking who's the baby was like her ex did.

I had planned to do the whole backpacking thing this year and she knew about that so was initially planning not to tell me until a friend told her that I had a right to know.

I'm still very confused. I think I'd make an ok dad and it's been something I always looked forward to at some point in the future. I just didn't expect or want it at my age: 27.

kawaii

It sounds like you're handling this very well. I hope it works out well. It could end up being a good thing.

AARRRGH

OP when you say you used protection do you mean she was on the pill or you used condoms? You say you are sure it's yours as you've been exclusive since the first date - how do you actually know this? Have you been with her 24 hours a day? TBH I'd be very suspiscious of a girl who gets pregnant so quickly even when you're using protection, and already has kids from a previous guy (who didn't trust her).

Is she calm, happy, angry, upset?

Remember you don't actually know this girl (three months is nothing) so she could be a total psycho.

Sorry to hear about your situation. If it is your kid you'll be delighted you have him/her.

LegacyUser

I understand the posters telling me to make sure it's mine and I will once the child is born. For now though, I have to assume it is. She's upset about this too. DD - we were using condoms rather than the pill due to medical reasons and I was pretty damn careful with them. They're not 100% though. Never are.

What I'm trying to deal with at the moment is letting go of my dreams of travelling the world etc. Any pointers from people who've had this happen them?

spinandscribble

my friends parents had 4 kids and once the eldest was 17 or so they packing in the rat race and began travelling the world doing odd jobs along the way. you make you're dreams happen. it'll all work out.

thefinalstage

Sounds a rat in a trap to be honest.

"Your not going anywhere!"

pow wow

Are you planning on staying together as a couple or being parents but separately? Assuming the child is yours, as you are, the degree to which that affects your plans to travel really depends on if you are going to do the mum & dad thing together or whether you'll be a 'dad' from a relative distance (I mean not living in the home, you could live round the corner!).

If you're not staying together then (again, assuming child is yours) once you take care of your responsibilities I don't see why it has to mean the end of your dreams to go abroad for a while. Granted you might go for a shorter stint, or wait a couple of years, but your life is not over.

Good luck with it all.

MIN2511

ScaredToBeADad wrote: »

I understand the posters telling me to make sure it's mine and I will once the child is born. For now though, I have to assume it is. She's upset about this too. DD - we were using condoms rather than the pill due to medical reasons and I was pretty damn careful with them. They're not 100% though. Never are.

What I'm trying to deal with at the moment is letting go of my dreams of travelling the world etc. Any pointers from people who've had this happen them?

Wow, thats now a different ball game... You say you used condoms?

1. Before wearing the condoms, did you penetrate? Sometimes there's little emission that can get a female pregnant.
2. I know protection(condoms) isn't 100% accurate but the chances of her getting pregnant when you USED condoms at all times is highly suspicious.

Sorry i am not judging her or anything but as Dublindude said i would be really suspicious especially with her past...
If the kid is yours then you would make a good dad:)
And as thelastangryman said make sure it's yours

Nevyn

Even used correctly condoms are about 90% effective.

The Corinthian

Why are people discussing contraception? It's a bit late to help the OP.

As to the OP, the fact is that your fate rests in the hands of your 'girlfriend'. She will get to decide if you get to be a father or not. All you get to do is let her know your position in the hope that it will influence her.

As such you need to decide quickly if you do want to be a father or not and tell her unequivocally. Do not do the 'noble thing' simply out of some idiot sense of duty as it will as often as not end up in tears.

Of course, even if you do make your position clear, she may well still go ahead and do the opposite (either keeping it or not), so in that case you don't really get much of a say in the matter.

Dave!

OP great to see how calmly you're handling all of this. I suppose at 27 it's a bit different to say 17/18. You'll probably have your life on track to a certain degree at this point. Now it's a matter of prioritising things and realising that the child comes first.

I wish I could give you advice about giving up your dreams, etc, but I've not been in the situation. Might be worth reading here (it's a message board where people are asking about taking children travelling). You don't have to give up everything, you just have to alter some things

I'm sure you still have a tonne of things to iron out between yourselves, and then you've to tell the folks, etc, but I'm sure when it's all said and done, you'll see this as the positive development that it is, and make a great father.

All the best with the future and I hope you have a beautiful healthy child!

Zeppie

As a girl who is in this situation myself (I'm 26 and was seeing a guy for a short period before falling pregnant) I think I can relate a little to where the OP is. Ok so I'm not the guy in this scenario and the pregnancy is a little different for me (it being my body its happening to!!). I've also had 5 1/2 months to get used to the idea.

I have to say I wish the guy I was seeing with had taken the news as well as you seem to be. He's a 30 year old man who already has a kid, this is my first. I've not heard from him since I let him know when my first hospital date was. Nor sure whats happening as he had orginally said he would be there and wanted to be a part of his kids life ...for me that starts during the pregnancy.

It was decided that we weren't going to be in a relationship (ok this was my decision) but going to go through with this as best we could otherwise. He seems more in denial about it and when I was last talking to him had only told a friend, I on the other hand had told my mom, 2 close friends and my brother.

Its a tough time for both of you and I don't think filling the OP with idea's that the babys not his at this stage is going to help matters. I agree that he needs to bare in mind that this is a possability however he knows this girl far better than anyone posting in this forum and I think to be honest if he feels she's being truthful when she says he's the father then surely he's the best judge of that ....not us.

It would have been very easy for the father of my baby to ask me the same as we live a good distance apart, thankfully he never has. I NEVER slept with anyone whilst I was seeing him (or since for that matter!!!) and he had really no reason to believe me (he didn't know me that well and with the distance there would have been ample ooputunity). It happens to be the truth though, he's the father.

So anyway, I think you dealing with this fantastically OP. Yes its scary ...and that feeling kinda stays with you. But if you and the mother work together I don't see why this can't be a great thing for you. Different to travelling for a year ...but so so rewarding!

Feel free to contact me if you want OP.

Mezcita

Thaedydal wrote: »

Even used correctly condoms are less then 90% effective.

Can you clarify that sweeping statement as I find it a little bit alarming.

WHO states that (used correctly) the pregnancy rate while using condoms is 3%. Higher failure rates are associated with incorrect use.

Linky:

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/

Anyway, good luck OP. You're taking the whole thing very well and I hope everything turns out ok for you.

dublad23

I don't know what I would do.

Your chances of doing a year working holiday visa in Oz are pretty much gone if you decide to stick around although if you go now you could come back in 7 months or so.

Fair play to you on being a Dad and I'm sure you will be a great one but I would also be very suspicious and I wouldn't get too close to her until you know for certain it's yours.

She could easily be pregnant by someone else, don't be so naive to make "We were exclusive" statements

I hope everything goes well but don't put your life on hold as it may be a trap

mucker23

The exact same thing happened to me, i stood by my now x girlfriend, we were young and we didnt stay together, i have a 3 year old son now, yes, there is a lot of responsiblities with a kid, but a feel i still have the same freedom as i did when i didnt have a kid. I also went through college and got honours degree as well, so its not the end of the world. just to say as a dad, its the best feeling in the world to have a little one...

Also, dont stay together just for the baby, believe me it wont work out and you will end up resenting the babies mother, try to be good friends as things will be a lot easier in the long run

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Even used correctly condoms are less then 90% effective.

Mezcita wrote: »

Can you clarify that sweeping statement as I find it a little bit alarming.

Thaedydal is known for dressing up nonsense as facts. Happens multiple times per day. She's not the smartest girl in town.

From the Mayo Clinic -

How effective are condoms at preventing pregnancy?

Of every 100 couples who use condoms correctly and consistently, only two will experience a pregnancy [over the period of one year.]

That's a lot better than 98% reliability.

Nevyn

correct use equaling typical use not perfect use.

Perfect use 2%= 98%
Typical use 10–18% = 90-82%

http://www.contraceptivetechnology.com/table.html

There is a difference between perfect use and typical use.

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/

Estimated pregnancy rates during perfect use of condoms, that is for those who report using the method exactly as it should be used (correctly) and at every act of intercourse (consistently), is 3 percent at 12 months.

The most frequently cited condom effectiveness rate is for typical use, which includes perfect and imperfect use (i.e. not used at every act of intercourse, or used incorrectly). The pregnancy rate during typical use can be much higher (10-14%) than for perfect use, but this is due primarily to inconsistent and incorrect use, not to condom failure. Condom failure – the device breaking or slipping off completely during intercourse – is uncommon.

Nevyn

To those that are soo brave as to be posting in this thread anon,
balls up and start a thread in feedback not here, no more of your 'comments will be approved.

acorntoast

Thaedydal wrote: »

correct use equaling typical use not perfect use.

Perfect use 2%= 98%
Typical use 10–18% = 90-82%

http://www.contraceptivetechnology.com/table.html

There is a difference between perfect use and typical use.

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/

Um, the dictionary definition of correct is far closer to perfect than to typical. Correct doesn't mean typical.

I don't think this is actually helpful at all to the original poster, as someone else has already pointed out. It seems to be a bit off topic, and more about scoring points against other posters.

OP - this must be an awful shock, especially after such a short amount of time. I suppose whether it's a 2% or 10% risk when we have sex there is some element of risk involved. Well done for doing your best to protect yourself and her from unwanted pregnancy and diseases. The horse has bolted now, however, and I'm sure this contraception post morten isn't really helping you.

I would echo the other posters who have recommended a paternity test. Also perhaps try to think back to the dates involved and see if anything lodges in your memory.

Other than that - I hope you and your girlfriend consider getting some crisis pregnancy counselling, and consider all your options. Good luck man.

Marksie

acorntoast wrote: »

I don't think this is actually helpful at all to the original poster, as someone else has already pointed out. It seems to be a bit off topic, and more about scoring points against other posters.

This is more suited to feedback. But i will say it was a response to an posters questions rather than point scoring, clarifyng and backing up comments.

But 2%, 10% or 20% is immaterial to the OP as it has already happened.
Could we please now return to the OP.

acorntoast

Marksie wrote: »

This is more suited to feedback. But i will say it was a response to an posters questions rather than point scoring, clarifyng and backing up comments.

But 2%, 10% or 20% is immaterial to the OP as it has already happened.
Could we please now return to the OP.

Thanks Marksie I will post in Feedback.

Also OP - you asked about people in similar situations - I actually know of a couple who got pregnant really early into their relationship, like the first two months - they were in their 30s though and probably ready for kids in their own minds. However they are still together now and have gone on to have more children. They seem really happy together.

As to your worries about not being able to travel etc - those are real to an extent. It seems unlikely that you'll be able to take a lot of time away from your kid. Again - a friend of my brother's managed 3 weeks in Oz rather than a full year away when he became a dad. It's not the same, but you're not entirely limited either.

Seriously - I reckon sit down with a really good friend and talk out some of your feelings. It'd be totally natural to be feeling shocked and a lot of grief about the things you will miss out on and the way life will change. I'm sure there are upsides down the line, if you go ahead and decide to have the kid, but it's totally natural to be feeling a little freaked out right now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the words of encouragement, can those discussing contraception please take it to another thread. I knew the risks of relying solely on condoms and was pretty fastidious about their use but it's too late to think about that now.

Unless there's a miscarriage this baby is going to be born. I admit that a very large part of me is hoping for one which I feel pretty ****ty about but it's the truth. I'm freaked out at all this, it seems like my life is over in so many ways.

Looking at friends posting photos of their travels is almost making me break down. Going travelling has been the main focus of my life for a number of years now and I was within twelve months of being able to afford it.

I can't picture myself being a weekend dad. Not trying to take anything away from guys that do this but once this kid is born, my life is his/hers, not my own.

Adding to the fear of that is the fact my girlfriend already has two kids whose dad is a waste of organs. If this baby comes along, this time next year I'm going to effectively be a father to three kids. I know I've no technical reponsibility for them but I just can't see myself only seeing my son or daughter for two days a week, I think that would kill me.

LegacyUser

ScaredToBeADad wrote: »

I just can't see myself only seeing my son or daughter for two days a week, I think that would kill me.

Lots of very happy children only see their fathers at weekends. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself regarding being there for the child. There are compromises which will still result in you being a good father and the child being happy...

acorntoast

I don't think you should feel bad for having those sorts of thoughts at all. In the context of what you're going through I think those are totally understandable.

But I'm also hearing you saying you're going to be a great dad pretty much.

Don't beat yourself up or feel ****ty for feeling angry about this - your emotions are your own business and feeling them doesn't hurt anyone - not the baby or your girlfriend. In fact it's safer to come on here and be honest about them - at least that way you'll be able to think things through and deal with them, rather than just exploding.

I really think the grief your feeling about how things are going to change is totally understandable too. It sounds like you built your whole life around the idea of going traveling and now it's not going to happen.

I have to say - the imp in me thought - god why doesn't he **** off traveling now for 6 months - not very mature I know.

Don't think too far ahead about how exactly you're going to get to parent this kid, or her other kids - we never know how things will pan out. I know you won't ever be a waste of organs dad - just based on how honest and solid your posts have been on this. There are lots of dads who are there 24-7 and make **** all difference in their kids lives. Whatever happens if you are consistently there and unconditionally loving it will work out alright. I've seen so called part-time dads who are exceptional parents, and no less important to their kids.

That said - this is a tough one - there's no doubts about that - I really feel for you.

killwill

longshanks wrote: »

i dont want to sound too blunt, but abortion is also an option. and sometimes its the better option.

sorry but abortion is not a form of birth control, OP same thing happened me and right now am sitting with my 4 month old daughter listening to bob dylan, and loving being a dad

TheNog

If you and your gf are still together when the baby is born, only then will you truly know if you want to be the child's father. It doesn't matter if you are the biological father or not. From my experience I fell in love with a single mother of a two yr old. At the time I was about 23 yrs old and a bit wild, no very wild. Nine years later that little girl has the same humour as me and carries on like me. I love her to bits like she was my mine own daughter, always have and always will. Myself and my fiancee have a boy too at 7 yrs old. He is a mini version of me and loves to be called Mini Me from Austin Powers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its up to you and your gf to decide.

Yes kids can put a hold on your plans but it is only a temperory hold!! My parents had us when they were fairly young and even though they are in their 40's early 50's (i'm in my 30's) they still disappear on holidays like a couple of teenage of young ones.

Believe me kids add a new dimension of fun into your life though although you may not see it at the moment, but you will. I remember when my little girl was young and everyone assumed I was her father, I asked her what she thought about it. God damn it she was only about 5-6 yrs old at the time and knew her real dad but she said "to me you are not real dad". I actually cried in the shop.

foxy06

OP, I have 2 kids now and the first was very unexpected. My partner was a lot older and had done all he wanted to do and I had just turned 20 so hadn't had the chance. I sometimes feel a little bitter that I missed out on a lot but now all my plans have changed. In fact, thats why we had the second one. I was not expecting to have holidays in eurodisney.....was more thinking Ibiza! But I am happy with the way things tuned out. We were only going out 3 months too by the way.

One thing I will say to you OP is that you may not be in a relationship with this girl when the child is born and it may be up to her whether you are a weekend dad or not.....Personally I would have thought that a girl who had a loser of a father of previous children would have been a lot more careful when it came to contraception. She should have been on the pill or had the injection or coil. there are also diapraghms (SPELL?) and they can all be used with condoms. If I'm being honest I think you should do the travelling. You will miss a lot with the child but there will be a lot more to come too when you get back. If you don't go you will probably be very resentful to the child in the future.

yaynay

Same thing happened to me after four months. I was young (19), in college, and without a job. I thought the world was going to end (dramatic - I know!). I left college and got a full-time job to provide for my child. Leaving college was difficult and didn't go down well with my family (apparently one cannot get a good job without going to college!). My beautiful son is now 2 and a half, I have a beautiful Finaceé, a new home, a new car and a fantatic job earning more money and life experience than I would have done if I stayed at college for another 3 years.

The only advice I would give is to be ambitious and want more for yourself. Don't panic - your life does not and will not end because you have a child (hell, you'll have an excuse to go to DisneyLand ). Too often do I see people who have children in their teens, they tend to give-up on their life goals, etc. and become victims of their circumstances and conform to the stereotypes.

The Corinthian

killwill wrote: »

sorry but abortion is not a form of birth control

Someone said it was? And even if it was, has it not already pointed out that the horse has bolted on that one?

Now that I think of it, while it may not be contraception, strictly speaking it is a form of birth control.

sullivk

Just reading the above post got me laughing, Im taking my son 2 disneyland in 2 weeks Can't wait!!

Anyway i had him when i was 15. I am now 20. I'm saving for a house, i've got a car and a job and am 6 months away from getting my degree. Having a child doesn't ruin your life! Yes you need to prioritise things and some plans (ie:travelling) may have to go on the back-burner but it's not the end of the world. I split from his Dad 3 years ago and it has been tough but he gives me the motivation i need to get through things.

Things rarely go according to plan so don't put too much pressure n yourself or you're setting yourself up to fail... Just go with the flow!
Best of luck

TheNog

oh, oh i went to disneyland 2 yrs and i love it more than the kids!!got picture taken and erverthing

metrovelvet

You have a choice.

You can be there for your child or you can leave a trail of pain behind you and go on your trip.

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote: »

You have a choice.

You can be there for your child or you can leave a trail of pain behind you and go on your trip.

You've not exactly given him much of a choice given how you phrased it. Perhaps you could suggest the same choice of the mother?

To begin with, as I already pointed out, he does not have much of a choice. The woman does - he can at best influence it, but that's about it. After that, it comes down to what he is willing and able to do.

I would strongly advise that take into account the character of the mother. If she goes through with it, you will have to deal with her the rest of your life. This is less than an attractive proposition in some cases, but can also work out well in others.

metrovelvet

The Corinthian wrote: »

Now that I think of it, while it may not be contraception, strictly speaking it is a form of birth control.

As much as infantacide is, but legal.

The Corinthian wrote: »

You've not exactly given him much of a choice given how you phrased it. Perhaps you could suggest the same choice of the mother?[QUOTE/]

She has made her choice. Given that, he has a choice. He can be there for his child or not. And there are consequences to either. One of them being that the child will be hurt, if he can live with that, then so be it.

Her choices are as limited if not moreso. You tell that to the mother.

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote: »

As much as infantacide is, but legal.

No argument there.

She has made her choice. Given that, he has a choice. He can be there for his child or not. And there are consequences to either. One of them being that the child will be hurt, if he can live with that, then so be it.

It's interesting that you ascribe consequences to the man's choice and not to the woman's. Surely a woman should also learn to live with the consequences of her own choices too?

Her choices are as limited if not moreso.

How so?

Marksie

The Corinthian and Metrovelvet.

Take it to PM please or a more appropriate forum, if you wish to pursue these issues.

This thread is for direct discussion of the OP issue