Confused about relationship

ConfusedAnon

I could not think of an appropriate subject title for this thread so please bear with me. I am very confused of late. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend but lately, I have being thinking alot about our relationship and what the future holds for us. I have finally started to think hard about the relationship, something I have put off thinking about for a few years now. She is pushing to get engaged, which is fair enough as we have been together for a very long time. I am not too keen on getting married right now but that is not the issue I want to talk about here. I have been thinking about ending the relationship for a while now for two main reasons.

First reason: We have very little in common. I am worried about how that will affect us in the future e.g. I can see us sleeping in separate beds and only talking about the weather and general stuff like that in the years to come. I have my interests and hobbies and she has hers. There is very little crossover. I think that both of us have known that we are opposites for a very long time and both of us bring it up in any arguments we have. I do love her and she loves me. I want her to be happy and to have someone to talk to and do stuff with but in the longterm, I do not think we are made for each other. It makes me incredibly sad to think about life without her and I have cried on a number of occasions recently when I begin to think about it. I NEVER cry. It hurts so much just to think about it. It would be the hardest and most painful thing I will have done and will ever have to do in my life but I do think that it would be for the best. We cannot just keep cruising along like this especially if I have these doubts in my head.

Second reason: I have very strong feelings for another girl. I can hear all the moans from you lot and before you start on me, I want to explain this further. These feelings are not just a recent thing as I have had feelings for this other girl for about one and a half years. It is more than infatuation and I am not having a mid life crisis and using this as an outlet. I have genuine feelings for her. My feelings for her have grown stronger recently as I get to know her more. I have tried avoiding her for weeks on end but it does not work, I cannot get over her. I might end up having a conversation with her or just see her in the office and I get butterflies in my stomach. She is on my mind all of the time. I do not know her too well as we have very limited contact outside of work and I have never kissed her, or anybody else for that matter, whilst going out with my girlfriend. At our Christmas party, we talked all night and barely left each others side. I could not take my eyes off her (same as when I am at work) and I keep thinking to myself that she is the one. I would have married her there and then that night. I would elope with her in an instant. I love everything about her - she is very good looking;she is very easy to talk to; I love the way she dresses in and out of work, I love her hair even though it is tied back in work and probably very ordinary to look at for others; I love her size (she is a few inches smaller than me and I am not the tallest); I think she has a fantastic body; I love her accent (thick Kildare accent not to everybodys taste), I love the way she walks, I love her face, her eyes; she makes me laugh. I am head over heels. We seem to have alot in common. I seem to be able to talk to her, which is something I struggle to do with my girlfriend. I even find myself doing things I do not normally do like dancing with her (not to slow songs!) and at some stages it was just the two of us dancing like lunatics the other night whilst the rest of our work colleagues were drinking away. Some people even said to me after the Christmas party that I had an admirer all night - her. She actually seemed to make a conscious effort to be near me for the night. I plucked up the courage to confront her with my feelings in work a few days later and we had a very brief conversation about it. I told her I liked her, which she had guessed. She said she was in a relationship with someone (about six months I think) and that she was happy and that was not going to change so I left it at that. She knows that I am also in a relationship. She is the hardest person in the world to read. I thought we really clicked at the party and I think we have clicked before but it might just be my imagination?

I have no idea if she likes me or has ever done. Whether she does like me or not, does not hide the fact that I have feelings for someone other than my girlfriend. Ever since I became aware of the opposite sex, I have always been a little idealistic in that I always thought that you could only love one person. I could never understand my friends being able to kiss and sleep with other girls whilst having a girlfriend. The way I feel now, I think I would regret for the rest of my life having not said something to this other girl. I even left a present for her on her desk before we broke up for the Christmas. I left her one of my favourite cd's / bands and even left a quote from one of the songs which I thought best described the way I felt about her at from the Christmas party. That kind of stuff is out of character for me and plucking up the courage to talk to her was a massive thing for me to do. She sent me a text later that day asking was it me who left the present for her. I told her I did and I also told her that the two line quote I left was exactly the way I felt about her. She thanked me for the present full stop. Nothing about the other stuff. She is a pretty sensible girl and I get the impression that she would not cheat on her boyfriend in any way and I respect that. I will not cheat on my girlfriend either. However, I would like to know if there is a chance of anything happening though. I do not think that there is though and I hope I have not come on too strong so as to frighten her away from ever talking to me again. Whether she does like me or not will not influence my thoughts and upcoming decisions I have to make on my current relationship.

I am so confused by all of this. I am physically and mentally exhausted thinking about it. I am even thinking about emailing the other girl the link to this thread so as she knows exactly where I stand and why I have come on so strong and maybe she will even contact me with a response. How and when do I approach my girlfriend about all of this? I do not think I should mention the other girl as it is not the deal breaker. We are getting on well recently and this will come as a major shock to her. Has anyone got any advice on what I should do now?

Decayor

Your obviously not a 100% commited to your current gf or else you wouldnt have those feelings for another girl.

I think the best thing you could do is maybe just end your current relationship or take a break and explain your reasons to your gf.

Your not ready for marriage, if you got married now, sooner or later you'll see someone else that catches your eye.
You probably also want her more because you cant have her.

MIN2511

OP, very detailed thread here.
I think your gf is your friend not your lover, have you thought of the possibilities of remaining friends after. Would she approve? I think you need to talk to her about how you feel; i believe you both know you are not compatible. The only reason you are together is because you are both comfortable and the hope that you might some day share some interest in something/anything together.
As for your crush, i don't think you should send her this thread-too much detail on how you feel about her. Saying that, she's in a relationship at the moment and i would not advice you to stir up things, if you break up with your gf i suggest a break from the relationship scene.. Few drinks with the lads, trip to Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Glasgow... you know what i mean :)rather than jump into another relationship.
I don't know if this helps at all, i can only imagine how you feel it's very complicated.
Do you have a house together, shares, cars e.t.c.. That might take some time to sort out.
Let us know how you get on
All the best!

pm1979

have you had many girlfriends before or was your current girlfriend your first long term one?

Maybe you need to be single for a while.

Nevyn

MIN2511 Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.
Read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
Have a nice day
Thaedydal.

OP, whatever you do, if you do decide to break up, do NOT jump directly into a relationship with the new girl. You will need some months on your own first. It would be highly unfair to start a new relationship with anyone with your head in the place it's at.
Actually, to continue on that, try and forget about the other girl completely. You need to focus on this relationship on its own. Leave it as a possibility for the future if you're single, but wanting to end a LTR is enough hurt and confusion on its own without thinking about another girl.

As for advice on what you should do now, the first thing you should do is sit down and explain all this to your girlfriend. There are two of you in the relationship together, you don't get to do or decide all this on your own. Explain how you're feeling confused, where your head is at.
Oh and no, don't mention the other girl at all or the rest of your confusion will seem like a smokescreen for "I've met someone else".

LegacyUser

ConfusedAnon wrote: »

Second reason: I have very strong feelings for another girl. I can hear all the moans from you lot and before you start on me, I want to explain this further. These feelings are not just a recent thing as I have had feelings for this other girl for about one and a half years. It is more than infatuation and I am not having a mid life crisis and using this as an outlet. I have genuine feelings for her. My feelings for her have grown stronger recently as I get to know her more. I have tried avoiding her for weeks on end but it does not work, I cannot get over her. I might end up having a conversation with her or just see her in the office and I get butterflies in my stomach. She is on my mind all of the time. I do not know her too well as we have very limited contact outside of work and I have never kissed her, or anybody else for that matter, whilst going out with my girlfriend. At our Christmas party, we talked all night and barely left each others side. I could not take my eyes off her (same as when I am at work) and I keep thinking to myself that she is the one. I would have married her there and then that night. I would elope with her in an instant. I love everything about her - she is very good looking;she is very easy to talk to; I love the way she dresses in and out of work, I love her hair even though it is tied back in work and probably very ordinary to look at for others; I love her size (she is a few inches smaller than me and I am not the tallest); I think she has a fantastic body; I love her accent (thick Kildare accent not to everybodys taste), I love the way she walks, I love her face, her eyes; she makes me laugh. I am head over heels. We seem to have alot in common. I seem to be able to talk to her, which is something I struggle to do with my girlfriend. I even find myself doing things I do not normally do like dancing with her (not to slow songs!) and at some stages it was just the two of us dancing like lunatics the other night whilst the rest of our work colleagues were drinking away. Some people even said to me after the Christmas party that I had an admirer all night - her. She actually seemed to make a conscious effort to be near me for the night. I plucked up the courage to confront her with my feelings in work a few days later and we had a very brief conversation about it. I told her I liked her, which she had guessed. She said she was in a relationship with someone (about six months I think) and that she was happy and that was not going to change so I left it at that. She knows that I am also in a relationship. She is the hardest person in the world to read. I thought we really clicked at the party and I think we have clicked before but it might just be my imagination?

Your obsessed with someone you don't know to be honest. You should listen to yourself...I think you are suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome but to be honest, from what you have described of your current relationship, it doesn't even sound like one so i can see how you are dying to get out of it.

I reckon you should dump your current girlfriend and be single because it doesn't like your in a proper relationship at all. Don't have any high hopes for this second girl though. Just play it all by year and take life as it comes. Make sure that this is not just a crush on the second girl, they do happen...even when your in a proper relationship with a gorgeous girl, your eye wanders...and crushes can occur.

awesom-o

I don't think it's fair to your current girlfriend to go on the way you are. You both seem to have differing views to where your relationship is going. Sit down and tell her how you feel. Otherwise your just going to leave her with false hopes.

Don't do anything else about the other girl. She knows how you feel. No need to go overboard on it and start pestering her. Play it cool.

Good Luck, I hope you sort it all out.

corcaighcailin9

Jeez OP you really are confused, i'm not surprised you're drained from all of this.

First off, I agree with the comment about "the grass is always greener" and I hate to say but it does sound like infatuation, I mean how well can you know her if ye never have anything to do with each other outside of work? I behave one way at work and I'm more myself at home as I'm sure most people can relate to. It sounds like she is genuinely happy even if she is in her relationship a much shorter time than you. For your sake and her's, don't pursue her as she seems to have made it very clear she's not romantically interested in you. Sorry to be blunt about it but that's my take on it.

On the whole different interests issue, in my situation I have very different interests to my other half but we compromise. Some days we have less to talk about than others but I think that's ok and natural. I might have had a crap day at work or he might have and we might not feel like talking too much. That's ok with both of us, we'll just watch tv or get some work done or whatever. One of things I love about our relationship is that we live together and we dont have kids so our house is nice and quiet. It's not always perfect and butterflies-in-the-tummy but I don't think that feeling can ever last. You should prob talk to your gf about how you're feeling. She will probably be shocked and hurt to know that you've been so confused and upset of late. If you're genuinely unhappy then end it for both ye're sakes but don't finish with her because you're idealising somebody else; that's not fair on your gf or any other woman who comes along because no-one is perfect; we all have flaws. If you do find yourself single soon, it might be best to take some time out from relationships for a while.

Good luck. I hope you sort your head out.

Talliesin

ConfusedAnon wrote: »

Ever since I became aware of the opposite sex, I have always been a little idealistic in that I always thought that you could only love one person.

Why on earth is that "idealistic"?

ConfusedAnon wrote: »

I could never understand my friends being able to kiss and sleep with other girls whilst having a girlfriend.

Woah! Completely different thing.

That's either something one's partner is okay with, or it's betraying them. It's not being dead in the groin or in the heart.

If anything the bull**** about not being attracted to others - whether sexually, romantically, or otherwise - makes cheating easier - "hey, if it was the real thing I wouldn't want to do this, so it isn't, so I might as well stick my dick into anything that moves".

The whole, "couldn't love anyone else thing" is pretty insulting to your girlfriend also, "oh, I find you so wonderfully attractive in so many ways - now granted, I'm an emotionally stunted eunuch who doesn't find anyone else attractive, but still".

And precisely this sort of notion is making it harder for you to separate your crush on your colleague (no, crush, yes it is) from your situation with your partner, which in turn means you can possibly put your own house in order before possibly (if it's appropriate after you do so) seeing whether or not that crush can turn into something else.

So. First of, forget about the other woman for maybe 90seconds.

Then forget about what you do or do not have in common with your partner for 80seconds. Common interests are very good, but as long as you can talk to each other it doesn't really matter if you don't understand the appeal of Japanese Noh Theatre or she doesn't appreciate the finer points of Ulster-Scots traditions in craft baking, or whatever it is the two of you are each into.

Now, while the clock is ticking. Are you more of what you can be when you are with her than otherwise, and is the same true for her. If not, could you possibly be?

If not and you couldn't be, split up and get on with your life (which may or may not involve your contender of Rose of Kildare - work that one out later).

If not but you could perhaps be, then it's time to talk to your partner about where things are going and what needs to be fixed.

If you are. Then stop whining and get on with your life (which may - indeed probably will - also involve talking to your partner about where things are going and what needs to be fixed).

The world we live in is terrible and wonderful. Ideals that don't relate to that aren't really ideals, but just insults to us all. What world do you live in, if you take away that dumping your partner wouldn't be nice, and take away that certain curve of that particular colleague's body that flashes in your mind from time to time when your mind should be on other things, and take away any awkward or even painful complexities in tearing down the life you've built with your partner? Is it a world where your being with your girlfriend is a good thing or a bad thing? And what do you need to do to make things better in either case?

Quite possibly, when you take everything else away, the answer - while not necessarily comfortable - isn't quite as hard to see as it seems.

Aseth

ConfusedAnon wrote: »

I do not think we are made for each other. We cannot just keep cruising along like this especially if I have these doubts in my head.

However, I would like to know if there is a chance of anything happening though.

Has anyone got any advice on what I should do now?

Sorry OP but you don't need advice. You just want someone to tell you to break up with your gf. IMHO you already made that decision.
And I think it's the only honest and right thing you can do. Either you find out the other girl is just friendly and doesn't want to change anything in her life or she gets encouraged[if she needs to be] and breaks up with her bf.
So or so your gf will get a chance of meeting someone who will love her and share interests with her.

One thing I don't understand is: you are together for such a long time how did it happen that you discovered you don't have anything in common just now? Love is not everything unfortunately.