Not spoken to brother in 6 years

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, long post and apologies in advance

I'm a lad, mid-twenties and I'm in good job and earning a decent salary.
When I was in school I was was your stereotype nerd, e.g glasses, few friends, poor fitness, too much computer games

Man, I got badly bullied in secondary school. From my classmates mainly from 1st year to 3rd. It wasn't so bad for 5th & 6th as I discovered I was good at GAA and that increased my confidence twentyfold.

Living in a rural area, I got a Bus Eireann school bus every day. I got conkers thrown at me, my bag flung around the bus and got roared at to open the windows sometimes.
With few friends in school, at lunchtime I'd go "downtown" to local hotels and hang out in a toilet cubiclle as I was terrified of being seen on my own. This meant being loner imo.
Biggest culprit was my younger brother. 2 years younger but I'll admit he is stronger and fitter and would beat me up easily.
I would be in my room at weekends maybe watching TV and he and his friends would shout abuse outside my window and I'd do nothing as I wasn't physically incapable of lashing out.

Went to college and worked hard to get my degree. Had a few girls interested in me and often had girls approach me in nightclubs but I'd ignore me as I was so embarressed and self-conscious to dance or kiss a girl in from of others. In short, 26yo lad and kissed a few girls but still a virgin.
I had one girl who I fancied to bits and would often call me to meet her in some pub/nightclub but I was so terrified of walking into a pub on my own I'd make excuses not to go.
Even at a training course everyone had to write anonoymous comments on everyone and everybody wrote that I was as smart and funny in a small group but I just was too shy and no zero confidence in a large group. Harsh but fair!

I've not spoken to my brother in 7 years, he's 24 and I'm 26. He still lives at home and will no doubt inherit the farm and become a millionaire(land worth millions). I don't mind as my parents supported me through college.

It's gotten to the stage that at Christmas dinner, we eat at seperate times and we never,ever enter the same room. Lots and lots of tension and I know it's killing my parents to see it.

I've never reacted bar a few times I lashed out and said I won't stand for being bullied.
But somehow my parent saw me as the agressor and I was only making up the bullying story. It's one to be bullied by a strong, older person but it's humiliating from someone younger.

Seriously, I'm 26 and I feel like I've not gotten over stuff than happen 8,9,10 years ago.
I go around imaging I'm strong and confident like an army officer or maybe Roy Keane but I'm the very opposite.

Any advice appreciated.

DawnMc

That must be such a difficult situation to be in.
It must have been very difficult growing up having to deal with such bullying and it seems this has really dented your confidence.

Have you ever thought about psychotherapy? I think you would benefit a lot from it.

Elessar

I'd echo the other comment and say that maybe a psychologist would be best to speak to about this. It's obviously a major issue to you and the abuse you suffered in school and by your own younger brother has clearly taken it's toll on your self esteem and ego. Have you ever sat down with your brother and had a man to man talk - to tell him how sh*t he made you feel growing up? Maybe the two of you can go for a drink and have a good talk. It's an idea.

But I would seriously look into psychotherapy, even just to vent it out to a professional.

rmacm

I was tempted to go unreged with this but **** it most of my mates know about it anyway...I'm in a vaguely similar situation with my brother. I've never suffered from abuse from him but he's done a number of things that I know about and I've been put in the situation of being forced to tell my parents as they were paying for some of his exploits unknowst to them........I was really not looking forward to this Chirstmas given the situation and not knowing how my brother had taken myself and my sister telling my parents about certain things. It turned out fine I think and I talked to him which was good....maybe you should try and talk to your brother as well but then again this may not be the best approach and I'm not sure if I can recommend an approach to this situation. Hopefully things turn out good for you, I think you should talk to some one about what's going on though...things like that don't get resolved unless you do talk to someone.

Nehpets

OP: I obviously don't know your family but if I was you I'd be on to my parents about getting the farm. I'd also cut "my brother" out of my life.

seraphimvc

mate,all you need to have in mind is HE IS YOUR BROTHER.

for me,someone who born to be a part of your closest ones:family ,is the luckiest thing ever happened,you know how rare is that?yes,maybe some family member/s will never work well in reality,but you should at least be graceful you have a brother ,you two have the same blood running in veins.do you not have any good memories with him?ever?if none,i would still suggest you keep in mind that he is still your brother,more importantly,your are his elder brother!

talk to him!tell him what you have in mind(something like above),then see what will happen.if things stay the same,that 's all you can do ready,leave it then,at least you wont have any regrets from now on,and so you wont need to avoid him in purpose anymore.trust me,things will turn well in time:)

i believe this still bothers you cause' you somehow still feel like it's a part of your responsibility as a elder brother?ha!good luck to ya!:)

foxy06

I haven't spoken to my brother in 10 years and I have no intention to either. We all have our reasons but if you don't like him and don't want to talk to him then don't feel you have to just because he is related to you.

Requiem4adream

Each to their own but i couldnt go a day without talking to my brothers let alone 7 years!

Eh.... i mean the problem here is your brother was an immature jerk when he was younger and thought he'd try be the big man with his mates by picking on a soft target. It's bullsh1t and you deserve better clearly.

People do change and mature though, there's nothing wrong with giving him a chance. If it were me i'd lay it on the line for him - tell him exactly how i feel about him and his actions. He may well deeply regret his actions when he was younger. And look, if he's still an immature jerk at least you made an effort. Should the onus be on you to make an effort with him? Probably not ...sometimes it takes the bigger person to offer an olive branch to someone.

*Murphy*

im suprised it took someone so long to say this!!: ya never know when it will be too late, speaking from expeirence i wake up everyday and wonder why i had never called my sister and now i cant.
he prob feels ashamed and stupid and prob thinks you dont wanna talk to him. and he has every right to feel that way. you obvo wanna patch things up if you have posted here, so why dont ya give it a go?? the worst that can happen is that things stay the same?? again it takes the biggest person to make the first move, even if things dont turn out brilliant at least you can have the slef satisfaction that you tried. and your parents will see that aswell. the only way to get over it is to tackle it

CrazyTalk

From the way you made him out to be, I wouldn't give him the time of day, tbh.

LegacyUser

I can relate to some of what you've been through. Like you I was bullied all of the way through secondary school by my so called mates about my physical appearance. It has completely destroyed any confidence I ever had with the result of me being 28, single and never being able to approach a girl I like.

In your case the bullying seems to have been a lot more vicious and extreme and from reading your post it is obvious that it still affects you to this day.

One thing I would definitely advise is that before you approach your brother about the past; make sure that you get your own head sorted out first!!

If you don’t you could end up saying something to him that could ruin any chance of reconciliation between you for ever. Some of the replies have been useless and not helpful in the slightest. The suggestions of seeing a psychologist or councillor are defo heading in the right direction as a first step. You’d be surprised how much this can help.

Bullying affects different people in different ways. It is a form of mental torture. Most just put up with it and suffer with the consequences of it for the rest of their life, not telling anyone about the suffering they go through. Other people take their own life as a result. Then there’s those who feel the need get payback on the world and everyone else before committing suicide (see U.S.A in dictionary).

One of the most intelligent comments I’ve ever heard came from Marilyn Manson after the Columbine High School massacre. When asked what would he say to the kids responsible for it if they were still alive today, he responded by saying he’d say nothing to them. He’d just listen to them and that was their problem, nobody did that.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not implying that your gonna go all Rambo on us but when you say that you are 26 and feel like you’ve not gotten over stuff than happen 8,9,10 years ago, well that’s simply because your not over it. And to be honest probably won’t be over it until you sit down with a total stranger and spill your guts out to them about everything.

Trust me It’s a step in the right direction.

BeardyGit

seraphimvc wrote: »

mate,all you need to have in mind is HE IS YOUR BROTHER.

for me,someone who born to be a part of your closest ones:family ,is the luckiest thing ever happened,you know how rare is that?yes,maybe some family member/s will never work well in reality,but you should at least be graceful you have a brother ,you two have the same blood running in veins.do you not have any good memories with him?ever?if none,i would still suggest you keep in mind that he is still your brother,more importantly,your are his elder brother!

talk to him!tell him what you have in mind(something like above),then see what will happen.if things stay the same,that 's all you can do ready,leave it then,at least you wont have any regrets from now on,and so you wont need to avoid him in purpose anymore.trust me,things will turn well in time:)

i believe this still bothers you cause' you somehow still feel like it's a part of your responsibility as a elder brother?ha!good luck to ya!:)

What? Responsibility as an elder brother? Are you for real?

This 'blood is thicker than water' stuff is nonsense. The OP is an adult, living out of home, and paying his own way. His relationship with his brother is, quite frankly, unnecessary.

OP, if I were you, I'd leave your arsehole of a younger brother to his own devices. Quit worrying what your parents make of it and just get on with your own life. Forget about the farm, it's not relevant.

And stop blaming your brother and his friends for your current lack of confidence. You're not a kid any more so just get on with making things right for yourself NOW. The past is the past and the only thing tying you to it is you. Move on.

TheJoker

If you are very nervious about confronting your brother over his actions then why not write a letter and give it to him.

That way he will know exactly how you feel and you wont have to have a confrontation.

keystone

Tough situation!

If it was me.........I would make an effort to meet him on the farm, tell him you want to talk and want to put the past in the past, draw a line in sand on it.....etc. Make sure that your parents are aware that you are doing this though.

I would not do the letter, you are both old enough to do this face to face.

Remember, you'll regret it more if you don't make an effort at contact!

If he is not willing to talk, he is not worth it.

What you do then is another question.

Conor108

CrazyTalk wrote: »

From the way you made him out to be, I wouldn't give him the time of day, tbh.

I agree. He sounds like a twat and I wouldn't even bother trying to establish a relationship with him.

JCB

I go around imaging I'm strong and confident like an army officer or maybe Roy Keane but I'm the very opposite.

Hi there!
I think that what you said above sums up your lack of confidence in yourself.
You need to make changes so that you can believe you are strong and confident. Since you went into so much detail e.g. school bus, girlfriends etc... can I take it that this is more than your brother, though of course he has a role to play.

What I have done below is show examples of
Black bold = lack of physical confidence
Blue bold = lack of emotional confidence
based on what you wrote.

Could you read it twice, first focusing on the black bold and then on the blue

I'm a lad, mid-twenties and I'm in good job and earning a decent salary.
When I was in school I was was your stereotype nerd, e.g glasses, few friends, poor fitness, too much computer games

Man, I got badly bullied in secondary school. From my classmates mainly from 1st year to 3rd. It wasn't so bad for 5th & 6th as I discovered I was good at GAA and that increased my confidence twentyfold.

Living in a rural area, I got a Bus Eireann school bus every day. I got conkers thrown at me, my bag flung around the bus and got roared at to open the windows sometimes.
With few friends in school, at lunchtime I'd go "downtown" to local hotels and hang out in a toilet cubiclle as I was terrified of being seen on my own. This meant being loner imo.
Biggest culprit was my younger brother. 2 years younger but I'll admit he is stronger and fitter and would beat me up easily.
I would be in my room at weekends maybe watching TV and he and his friends would shout abuse outside my window and I'd do nothing as I wasn't physically incapable of lashing out.
Went to college and worked hard to get my degree. Had a few girls interested in me and often had girls approach me in nightclubs but I'd ignore me as I was so embarressed and self-conscious to dance or kiss a girl in from of others. In short, 26yo lad and kissed a few girls but still a virgin.
I had one girl who I fancied to bits and would often call me to meet her in some pub/nightclub but I was so terrified of walking into a pub on my own I'd make excuses not to go.
Even at a training course everyone had to write anonoymous comments on everyone and everybody wrote that I was as smart and funny in a small group but I just was too shy and no zero confidence in a large group. Harsh but fair!

I've not spoken to my brother in 7 years, he's 24 and I'm 26. He still lives at home and will no doubt inherit the farm and become a millionaire(land worth millions). I don't mind as my parents supported me through college.

It's gotten to the stage that at Christmas dinner, we eat at seperate times and we never,ever enter the same room. Lots and lots of tension and I know it's killing my parents to see it.

I've never reacted bar a few times I lashed out and said I won't stand for being bullied.
But somehow my parent saw me as the agressor and I was only making up the bullying story. It's one to be bullied by a strong, older person but it's humiliating from someone younger.

Seriously, I'm 26 and I feel like I've not gotten over stuff than happen 8,9,10 years ago.

Now of course the two are interlinked, but I honestly don't think you can get over the emotional without fixing the physical first.
Maybe it's a typo but I think this line is particularly telling:

Biggest culprit was my younger brother. 2 years younger but I'll admit he is stronger and fitter and would beat me up easily

Shouldn't that be 'was stronger'? I suggest that you still feel inadequate and hence don't reccommend having a face to face, as some of the others are suggesting.
Probably, the best solution would be for you to have a massive fight and show him you're not weak. But, of course, violence is not the answer! I think you need to get fitter, remove your physical inadequacy, so that you know you could take him if the need arose. Remember the confidence you got from GAA? Maybe you're already fit? Great, one less step.

Let's forget your bro for a sec. What are the benefits of being fitter? We look better, feel better, we see more approving looks generally, feel proud of our achievement and our emotional confidence rises.
You should have more confidence around women, workmates etc... it's like an upward spiral - we feel more deserving in general.

Back to your family. I suggest trying to talk more and work on your relationship with your parents. You said your parents thought you were the 'aggressor'. Based on what you said, this is not the case. Show them that. Maybe some guilt towards your parents is showing in your statement that you don't mind not getting the farm. Why shouldn't you? succession laws ended many years ago. Remind yourself that your parents do in fact love you too!

I recommend not tackling the brother issue for a long while. Only a sincere gesture unprovoked by you, will show any remorse that will help heal your wounds of the bullying many years ago. If that's not forthcoming, then I wouldn't worry about him for the present anyway.

On a final note, it's OK to have these memories of the bad bus rides and others, don't try to block them out. Everyone has some scars, these are yours. Just confine them to the past, and don't let them rule your future. Focus on your good job, improving yourself, and leave behind those who are stuck in the past.

I hope this has been of some help!

LegacyUser

TALK TO YOUR BROTHER

You havent spoken in 7 years?? just the next time you know your gonna be n the same place as him just initiate simple conversation and it WILL go from there.

DO IT-YOU WONT REGRET IT

Movershaker

I definitely think you should try and talk to him. What's the worst that can happen? You don't have a relationship with him at all, so it's not like it can be damaged any further.

I also agree that it would be very beneficial to speak to a professional. Even go to one or two sessions and see how you get on. 26 is a good age to start getting all this stuff sorted in your head, otherwise it could seriously decrease your chances of having a happy, fulfilling life from now on.

black & white

I haven't spoken to my brother for nearly 8 years, fault on both sides but it was his wife that was stirring it up and making it worse than it really was but it all came to a head and now neither of us can or will go back.

For the first few years it was very difficult but now I don't give 2 f*cks about him. We live in the same medium sized town and belong to the same sporting club.

Sit your old pair down if you want to and try to explain why the situation is as it is but try to forget about him. As previous posters have said, try some counselling.

Beruthiel

Nobrother wrote: »

I've not spoken to my brother in 7 years, he's 24 and I'm 26.

Am I to understand that by posting here you wish to form a relationship with him?
As you haven't spoken in 7 years, that makes him 16/17 when he acted like an asshole, probably to impress his friends cos you were the nerd and he had to compensate for being an idiot by lashing out at you.
I'm betting he was jealous of your brains.
Seven years on, he probably looks back and knows what an absolute asshole he was, thinks you will never speak to him again and doesn't have the balls to apologise.
If you wish for a relationship with him, then pop down and tell him you've had enough of this stupidity, ye are adults now and time to move on.
If he can acknowledge what went on then perhaps ye can get past this.

I also think it would be good if you had a chat with your parents, they should know what went on and how it's affected you, even now.

LegacyUser

20 years ago I was in a similar situation. I hadn’t spoken to my brother in years. There was no bullying involved, just the usual fighting between brothers that got out of hand I suppose. One day communication broke down and we probably went 5 or 6 years ignoring each other as much as possible. He was a couple of years older than me and we were both in our mid teens.

Anyway, things went on and on and eventually it got to be a habit more than a choice to ignore each other. My brother went to work abroad one summer when I was 18 and I found that in a way I missed him. When he returned at the end of the summer, he gave me a bottle of whiskey as a present (the first present or acknowledgement of each other in years) We cracked it open, finished it in one sitting, had a long chat and cleared the air.

We had probably reached the stage that we both realised that not communicating was childish and came about as a result of childish behaviour. It was a cause of pain to our parents and other siblings. I realise now that what we went through is fairly common between siblings and that all it took to get over it was a bit of common sense and the humility to apologise and receive apology without prejudice.

My brother is now the closest of my sibling even though he lives the furthest away. Our wives are firm friends and our kids spend their summers in each others houses.

I won’t presume to advise you on your own situation but I just thought that hearing my story would encourage you to take some action with your own brother.

barbiegirl

My sister also 2 years younger than I were never close as kids, we always fought and were totally different. I was also the studious type but we've grown up and now in our early thirties she is my best friend, and this is only in the last 7 or so years.
Sit down and maybe write your brother a letter and contact accord and see can you arrange councelling for the 2 of you together. Give it a try if it doesn't work at least you know you tried. Your parents and your brother won't be around forever so give it a go.
I was also bullied very badly in secondary school, I was smart and cute, though I didn't know it then, only looking back. Anyway I have moved on, forgave most people and am friends again with some, not all, mainly because they never said sorry.
If you continue to let this affect your life you let them win.

Keano

OP I am just wondering has he ever mentioned it to your parents about your not talking to him? Hence them thinking you are the aggressor?

Do you think he would talk to you if you approached him?