Confidence or lack of it

LegacyUser

Hi all, decided to post anon here but been an ancient user of boards. Well let me start by saying i'm 27 y/o M non drinker non smoker, currently doing a college course in something i love, have friends there and am generally happy. However this is the kicker...i am percieved to have the confidence necessary to overcome anything thrown at me but in reality it is far from true. If this seems like a long post, i'm sorry but would rather not see tl;dr posts

Everything was going great until i hit 18, by then most of my mates had moved from my area, there was little to do where i live and i wasn't on a sports team ever, so i decided to get into online gaming which was nice, as although i was chatting to people it wasn't the same as normal life so now i've all but quit my adiction to games and am trying to focus on real life I have one redeeming feature about the net though, i never got sucked into that hellhole that is bebo . However i found it quite hard to adjust to it, have somehow made a few friends in my college class even though i'm alot older than them but it may be the fact i'm the most relaxed guy there and not alot will irritate me and i'm good at giving bits of advice.

Now at 27 i recently went to 2 college social nights but found myself sitting like a tool on a seat all night, have no confidence to chat with any type of female, i can't dance and can't find the courage to learn which sucks. I've NEVER ( and i'm ashamed to mention this ) had anything as much as a kiss from a female, which i don't like as i see all my mates doing alright yet i am there like some inanimate object unable to do anything through inexperience of anything remotely romantic. I am looking at this new years sitting in again more than likely as i just don't fit in with the social scene but am quite fed up of it at this stage. I'm sure there's more i could post here but don't wanna bore you all.

So it comes to this: is there ANY way i can become more of a social butterfly and not the caterpillar i seem to have been since i was a teen ?

Are there people you actually want to talk to or is it all "I want to be able to say I talked to a female"? I mean seriously, women are people too :eek:, if you don't have anything to say to them/in common with them, it's not going to happen...
Stop getting hung up on their gender and what you want from them and just chat to them

biko

OP,do you have female friends? Practise flirting innocently with them before you move on to strange women.

Also try social modelling. By that I mean copy someone else. Listen in to what other guys are saying to girls. This way you'll have an arsenal of things to say to girls.
Btw, girls are very happy talking about themselves, use this. Ask question like: What's you class/work like? Where you from? What's it like there?

Good luck!

dr_manhattan

aw man, don't be discouraged, seriously.

I generally don't post outside of humanities but saw this and just thought it deserved a reply: everything you say above - given what people perceive as being a social life these days - makes you an unusual and interesting person... lol that's not a chat up line though ;-)

Just because you don't like or feel involved in college social nights doesn't mean you have low social skills. They suck arse. Most forms of "going out" suck arse.

Myself, i have no problem socialising with people but i just can't pick women up in those situations because it's just so boring and trashy. I also find it pretty vulgar that irish people's idea of flirtation or first meeting is necking outside a pub. When you give someone your phone number as a bloke you're percieved of as being aloof (in otherwords, sober, haha)

I mean, i'm no moral majority either, in fact i'm quite the male ho', but i have standards and try to avoid that cheap, trashy crap.

IMHO, many people feel they have to fit into a social scene to get what they want from interaction, whether that be a conversation or a one night stand.

I think this ruins everything for all of us.

We all stand around, stacking up dutch courage so we can pretend we're interested in a certain thing in order to be liked. It means that pubs are reduced to inane meatmarkets and everyone's acting like people off the TV to be popular. It's like all the insecurities of school following us on in life, and IMHO it's just a waste of time.

It's not just a waste of time, but out there among the throngs of craptalking chat up merchants are some seriously depressed people who are wearing big fake smiles and just want to do *anything* other than another night of this crap... it's really just an awful thing the way we all push ourselves to do the same things in the same places as everyone else.

I mean, if you just want to 'score' then fine, go to these places but what you say about yourself seems to me like you're a bit deeper than that.

But my advice would be to make your choices and think about who you want to meet and what you'd like to happen. Then think of places this person might be, and start going there.

In the early 21st century you are a rarity, sir: and i would not be ashamed of that i'd be very proud of it. Stop trying to fit in with the booze and shags crowd if you don't like it, and start widening your horizons.

You seem content with who you are, so be that person cos women are attracted to calm and self confidence.

good luck sir.

oh and PS Biko:

"Also try social modelling."

LMAO, have you been to pickup artist classes or read 'the game' by any chance? I have to say that copying other peoples' behaviour to get women into bed sounds like the most mutually cheapening thing in the world. Nothing makes me feel more bored than pretending i'm something i'm not to a woman... i mean, really.

Anyone can trick a woman (or a man) into bed. Really, if someone doesn't like me, why the hell do i want to wake up next to her?

It's all part of this "scoring" crapola that - to me - takes all the joy out of socialising and all the fun out of sex. If i have to think up things to say to a woman then why on earth am i interested in sex with her? Cos she's hot?

Hookers are hot. Why spend an evening lying to everyone?

biko

dr_manhattan wrote: »

oh and PS Biko:

"Also try social modelling."

LMAO, have you been to pickup artist classes or read 'the game' by any chance? I have to say that copying other peoples' behaviour to get women into bed sounds like the most mutually cheapening thing in the world.

Nah mate, just psychology major. By what I wrote I simply meant: simply copy what others are doing. There is no tricks involved. And I certainly don't condone trickery to get girls into bed.

Here - if you don't know how to skate you simply observe how other people do it and then you copy.
You will fall on your face a few times in the beginning but every time you get up on that board it gets easier. /lame analogy

dr_manhattan

Sorry biko, didn't mean to come off as critical, it's just all that "right line for every woman" stuff just kills me.

I guess skating is a fair analogy... it's just think about it: if you look around most night clubs in ireland and copy what you see men doing...

I'll stretch the analogy: to copy people in ireland is like copying the lousiest, least classy skaters who try ande make up for lack of skill with booze ;-)

I just hate when people can't hack this ridiculous circus we call 'socialising' and so they assume it's their failure when in fact it's everybody's.

Oh and btw to any in this thread: read Neil Strauss' the game, it's insightful about so-called "pickup artists" (PUAs, i'm not kidding) and extremely funny. Anyone who thinks that social confidence = the good life should read.

LegacyUser

Well thanks for the repiles, but i would like to point out that i'm not just posting here cause i "wanna score", i put that reference in there as an example of how my life has been without much social contact and how isolated i actually kept from the rest of society. In college now, is actually the first time i've had some females beside me every day, and i did feel quite uncomfortable about it, but am starting to get used to it.

I know alot of women will actually like a person for who they are, but if i haven't even got stuff to talk about, and sit there in complete silence among most of my class, how am i meant to progress. I do have some very lonely interests like watching tv, go to the movies alone and as i said played computer games.

@Bluewolf: i'm not here complaining about being unable to score, it's about actually having something resembling a life.

@Biko: i have no female friends outside college and never had a female friend in my whole life, the ones in there wouldn't be classed as friends but as regular girls who attend class and can share a joke or two with everyone.

@dr_manhattan: other than this issue, yes i am pretty content with my life. I have no other form of stress, doing great in college and my assignments have been v good so teachers and tutor are pleased with my work. Recently done work experience for my chosen field and the supervisors report gave mostly excellent remarks. I would rather not be one of the boozing crowd, as i find alot of them to be pure and utter morons who talk crap basically, and can't remember a word of it the next day I was thinking after christmas i would join a gym to have something to focus on as an activity after college during the week. I'm already fit, eat right and ain't too bad looking so i really don't have alot to worry about so i'll see what happens in the future.

Should my situation improve i will gladly write back here and share my positive experience.

Thank you all yet again.

dr_manhattan

good on ya.

I think this idea of 'having a life' as a status symbol is overrated. Too many people who are terrified to spend time by themselves.

Not that I don't appreciate your predicament, I have in the past felt very socially isolated and of course, company is a basic need.

But it's the balance, imho.

have a good xmas

k-a-t-e

[QUOTE=I've NEVER ( and i'm ashamed to mention this ) had anything as much as a kiss from a female, [/QUOTE]

Dn't ever be ashamed of who you are or the life you have lead up to the present full ucking stop

If you can't think of anything to say to a female ask them a question - anything: about what they're studying, where they're from, where they are living, what their flatmates are like, what they are up to at the weekend. If you get monosyllabic answers then the problem is with them not you and move onto the next person.

Also regarding the New Year's thing on your own - join the club! Don't think that the whole world is out partying, cos they ain't.

toolong102

toolong102 wrote:

@Bluewolf: i'm not here complaining about being unable to score, it's about actually having something resembling a life.

About half your post was about socialising with women.

I know alot of women will actually like a person for who they are, but if i haven't even got stuff to talk about, and sit there in complete silence among most of my class, how am i meant to progress. I do have some very lonely interests like watching tv, go to the movies alone and as i said played computer games.

What do you like watching on tv, what movies do you like, what games do you like, can you join a games society at uni. You have actual interests, it's more than enough to build on

It's not about having stuff to talk about, it's being interested enough in someone else that you want to find out more about them/their interests, etc. If you're not in any way interested in the people around you, find different people.

the dee

All good advice so far but could I add that you shouldn't think of women as strange, alien creatures. Except for body shape we're all pretty much the same inside. Talk to a woman like you'd talk to anyone.