Funny stories

TheNog

Anyone with any sort of experience in any type emergency service will have a funny story or two to tell so lets hear them.

Rules:
What not to mention - No names, no places, no jokes about a serious incident that a reader can identify.
No gruesome stories involving the deceased or the seriously injured.
No people with learning or physical disability

What you can use - common sense

offaly1

imagine walking into the garda station and telling them that a frozen chicken broke your windscreen!!!!!!!:L

timmywex

A number of years ago, a crew was sent to Dublin, it was about 2.5 hours from dublin at the time and they were sent to collect a patient in Dublin, they went up, collected the patient and when they were nearly back in the nearest hospital(pateint was going home for christmas) they were talking to him and mentioned sure ******* is a great place to live anyway, Aty this the patient corrected him, saying they meant Sligo, but they didnt, it soon became apparent they had taken the wrong person and their man was infact en route to Sligo, the totally wrong place, and the person they had was supposed to be going to Sligo, they went to Dublin again, waited around, got the correct patient and returned home, needless to say, they didnt get paid any overtime for their mess up!! The sad part it was one of the emt's(at the time) first day!!

True story but you are not finding out the station to keep it all secretive and unidentifiable

the locust

happen in the North, years ago, a local nutter went into an RUC station in Belfast wearing a wetsuit and SCUBA gear,
he waddled up to the counter and said he'd like to report a lost submarine.

True story

vasch_ro

I once found a german sheperd in of the cells when i came in a 6am....

eroo

the locust wrote: »

happen in the North, years ago, a local nutter went into an RUC station in Belfast wearing a wetsuit and SCUBA gear,
he waddled up to the counter and said he'd like to report a lost submarine.

True story

could it have been this guy...?

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=_vOahyn2WSA

Traumadoc

Had a guy last year who got his todger trapped in a thermos flask,

TheNog

Grandad used to be an emt years ago and told me this one.

A fairly new emt was taking a patient to dublin being escorted by local cops. Approaching the m50 toll plaza the cop car went thru the car lane with the ambulance following resulting in the roof lights and siren being left on the road

ex_infantry man

the locust wrote: »

happen in the North, years ago, a local nutter went into an RUC station in Belfast wearing a wetsuit and SCUBA gear,
he waddled up to the counter and said he'd like to report a lost submarine.

True story

hahaha say they got some laugh from this fella thats pure class hahaha

sgt.bilko

A few years back, a friend who is in the Gardai was walking home after finishing his shift in Dublin city centre.

He went in to a newsagent to get a bottle of coke or something and there was a junkie at the counter with a knife in his hand, junkie spots yer man and cops him as a copper (truncheon carry handle)

Story goes along the lines of:

Junkie : Fcuk off or i'll do ya
GS : Put down the knife & we'll talk
Junkie : Ive warned ya
GS : i'll put my truncheon away if you put the knife on the gound

eventually junkie puts knife on the ground whereupon GS promptly kicks him in the crown jewels to ensure he doesn't pick up the knife again!

TheNog

some of my colleagues were pursuing a stolen car when the car hit a ditch.one of our lads jumps out with the truncheon in one with the intention of smashing the window and grapping the keys. He swung the baton as hard as he could and hit the driver full on the face,breaking his nose.

You guessed it, the window was open

Dave!

lol, that will do it

ex_infantry man

hahaha very good that put a stop to the thief

TheNog

This one has been doing the rounds but here goes:

Garda Management wanted to test the effectiveness of their specialist units so they picked a forest and each unit was instructed to find a rabbit. Here is how it went-

First up the National Surveillance Unit was sent with the instruction. After a week of of listening devices, cameras and covertly following known suspects, they could find no rabbits

Second up was the ERU. After 20 minutes all the forest animals were dead or dying but still no rabbit to be found

Last up was two uniformed Gardai from Donegal Division.After 10 minutes they return. One of them has a bear in a tight head lock, the other is giving the bear a few slaps and the bear is screaming "Alright, alright I'm a f**kin a rabbit".


Disclaimer

* I have a few good friends working in Donegal and I admire their work. No animals were harmed in this joke*

UrbanFox

TheNog wrote: »

This one has been doing the rounds but here goes:

Garda Management wanted to test the effectiveness of their specialist units so they picked a forest and each unit was instructed to find a rabbit. Here is how it went-

First up the National Surveillance Unit was sent with the instruction. After a week of of listening devices, cameras and covertly following known suspects, they could find no rabbits

Second up was the ERU. After 20 minutes all the forest animals were dead or dying but still no rabbit to be found

Last up was two uniformed Gardai from Donegal Division.After 10 minutes they return. One of them has a bear in a tight head lock, the other is giving the bear a few slaps and the bear is screaming "Alright, alright I'm a f**kin a rabbit".


Disclaimer

* I have a few good friends working in Donegal and I admire their work. No animals were harmed in this joke*

Excellent. Send that to Fred Morriss.

metman

In August a couple of PCs happened to be in the van patrolling a popular park that attracts lasses prone to stripping off in the hot weather. While diligently patrolling this part of their sector one of the PCs phones rang, he answered and it turned out it was his Mrs. This PC, who had an eye for the ladies, had a particularly suspicious other half. The conversation then went something like this:

Mrs: "How's your day going?"
PC: "Really busy. We haven't stopped all day."
Mrs: "Really?"
PC: "Yeah its been mental, we haven't had a break."
Mrs: "So you're not out eyeing up girls then?"
PC : "Of course not, we're out on patrol, why?"
Mrs: "Because I'm sitting in the park and your police van has crawled past me 4 times. You didn't see me as you're too busy ogling the girls with their tops off...."

Busted.

Sully

metman wrote: »

In August a couple of PCs happened to be in the van patrolling a popular park that attracts lasses prone to stripping off in the hot weather. While diligently patrolling this part of their sector one of the PCs phones rang, he answered and it turned out it was his Mrs. This PC, who had an eye for the ladies, had a particularly suspicious other half. The conversation then went something like this:

Mrs: "How's your day going?"
PC: "Really busy. We haven't stopped all day."
Mrs: "Really?"
PC: "Yeah its been mental, we haven't had a break."
Mrs: "So you're not out eyeing up girls then?"
PC : "Of course not, we're out on patrol, why?"
Mrs: "Because I'm sitting in the park and your police van has crawled past me 4 times. You didn't see me as you're too busy ogling the girls with their tops off...."

Busted.

Fantastic!

TheNog

Back in the 60's my dad went to a Sunday football match with a couple of lads from the college. At the time my dad didn't drink but his mates persuaded him to have a few. Seven or seventeen pints of Carlsberg or Hineken or whatever later they were very late to get back to the college and all were very drunk including my dad. Driving down to Templemore my dad sitting in the passenger seat with one lad driving (obviously) and another sitting behind my dad. This is how it went:

Dad: I need to go for a p**s
Driver: We can't stop, go out the window.
Dad: *does the business out the window with the car still in motion*

Queue 1 hour later and arrival at the college

Backseat passenger wakes up and asks: Was it raining?

Steyr

metman wrote: »

This PC, who had an eye for the ladies, had a particularly suspicious other half. The conversation then went something like this:

Mrs: "How's your day going?"
PC: "Really busy. We haven't stopped all day."
Mrs: "Really?"
PC: "Yeah its been mental, we haven't had a break."
Mrs: "So you're not out eyeing up girls then?"
PC : "Of course not, we're out on patrol, why?"
Mrs: "Because I'm sitting in the park and your police van has crawled past me 4 times. You didn't see me as you're too busy ogling the girls with their tops off...."

Busted.

You mean she was busted!:)

TheNog

The other day we were involved in an emergency along with two ambulance crews. One EMT stuck his head out the back door and said "One of you will have to drive". It was more of a demand than a question and we taken aback by it but I volunteered even though I don't even have chiefs to drive a patrol car. Anyway I drove the second ambulance with only me in it,following the lead ambulance to the hospital, with full lights and sirens on. I thought to myself ' this has been a really, really crazy day'. Along the way maybe about 6 or 7 times I heard over the radio Control were calling the ambulance in front of me saying in a worried voice " is the garda member driving 63 still with ye?

If it wasn't so serious I would've laughed

timmywex

i was actualy at an rta where my dad had to drive the ambulance in with a garda escort because one of the paramedics had to stay behind!! Luckily though, he has a course in van driving and has a truck license so wasnt sooo bad!!

Fyr.Fytr

Nog you were loving it being a big kid i bet ya lol. No need for lights and sirens you just threw them on for the craic lol

fair play, fair play

TheNog

Fyr.Fytr wrote: »

Nog you were loving it being a big kid i bet ya lol. No need for lights and sirens you just threw them on for the craic lol

fair play, fair play

ok,ok you are right. I did love it

Fyr.Fytr

Too right, who wouldnt













*mumbles under breath* jammy git

tbh

I was in a panto a few years ago, and the guy who made all the sets lived in Baldoyle (I'm in Swords). He was also playing Neptune in the panto. One saturday, a piece of the set broke and he had to drive home to get something to fix it. I went along for the ride, along with his brother, who was directing, and playing the dame. We hadn't long before the evening show, so we were all dress ed in full costume, and full makeup. We were passing through Portmarnock, and there was a line of cars at a garda checkpoint. When our car pulled up, the guard looked into the car, did a double-take, and then pulled out a breathalyser, and blew into it. Cracked me up.

Random

tbh wrote: »

I was in a panto a few years ago, and the guy who made all the sets lived in Baldoyle (I'm in Swords). He was also playing Neptune in the panto. One saturday, a piece of the set broke and he had to drive home to get something to fix it. I went along for the ride, along with his brother, who was directing, and playing the dame. We hadn't long before the evening show, so we were all dress ed in full costume, and full makeup. We were passing through Portmarnock, and there was a line of cars at a garda checkpoint. When our car pulled up, the guard looked into the car, did a double-take, and then pulled out a breathalyser, and blew into it. Cracked me up.

That's ****ing brilliant!

lehanemore

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel: "That's all the bullets we had!"

(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

Random

lehanemore wrote: »

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel: "That's all the bullets we had!"

(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

Priceless

TheNog

*bump*

Any more funny stories?

Angus MacGyver

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes atrue story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a localneighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a manleaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with theGarda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on fivevehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He wastherefor a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and droveoff. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it wasa fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted thehorn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and thenremained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehiclesleft. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowlydown the road.
The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started upthe patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the manover and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the manhaving consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Garda said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany meto the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

True story...

metman

Angus MacGyver wrote: »

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

True story...

I'm assuming this individual was promptly arrested for obstructing police?

maglite

metman wrote: »

I'm assuming this individual was promptly arrested for obstructing police?

doubt it what he did was legal and the garda would be humiliated in court,

whats the charge, testing your wipers on a dry night? not walking according to expectations? driving sober?

i like it, and whats more i can see it working

Shield

maglite wrote: »

doubt it what he did was legal and the garda would be humiliated in court,

whats the charge, testing your wipers on a dry night? not walking according to expectations? driving sober?

i like it, and whats more i can see it working

Don't see this being true, but let's suppose it is and it happened in the UK which is where both metman and myself work - you are quite right, what he did was perfectly legal, but the minute he spoke and admitted his intent, he implicated himself and thus committed the offence of Wasting Police Time.

"The public interest will favour a prosecution" if "the accused knew, or ought to have known, that police resources were under particular strain or diverted from a particularly serious inquiry".

In the above example, I believe the PPS would favour a prosecution because someone might have been killed that night by a drunk driver who would have otherwise been caught were it not for the actions AND intent of the accused.

CLADA

Angus MacGyver wrote: »

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes atrue story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Gardai patrol ...

Can't be too recent, I've heard that story several times over the last two years and each time it occurred in a different town.

Maybe the designated decoy gets around:D

metman

maglite wrote: »

doubt it what he did was legal and the garda would be humiliated in court,

whats the charge, testing your wipers on a dry night? not walking according to expectations? driving sober?

i like it, and whats more i can see it working

Joking aside....wasting police time would work, but I'd be looking at bringing him in for obstruct;

A person obstructs a constable if he prevents him from carrying out his duties or makes it more difficult for him to do so.

The obstruction must be 'wilful', meaning the accused must act (or refuse to act) deliberately, knowing and intending his act will obstruct the constable: (Lunt v DPP [1993] Crim.L.R.534). The motive for the act is irrelevant.

Many instances of obstruction relate to a physical and violent obstruction of an officer in, for example, a public order or arrest situation. This standard only deals with conduct which can amount to an obstruction in the context of an interference with public justice.

Examples of the type of conduct which may constitute the offence of obstructing a police officer include:-

Warning a landlord that the police are to investigate after hours drinking;
warning that a police search of premises is to occur;
giving a warning to other motorists of a police speed trap ahead;
a motorist or 'shoplifter' who persists in giving a false name and address;
a witness giving a false name and address;
a partner who falsely claiming that he/she was driving at the time of the accident but relenting before the breathalyser procedure is frustrated;
an occupier inhibiting the proper execution of a search warrant (if the warrant has been issued under the Misuse of Drugs Act, see also s 23 of that Act);
refusing to admit constables into a house when there is a right of entry under s.4(7) of the road Traffic Act 1988 (arrest for driving etc while unfit through drink or drugs).

Maglite guess again.

Shield

ANYWAY..... let's get back on-topic by keeping the funny stories coming.

Eru

While on the front counter a man came in demanding that I arrest a bus driver for stopping too near the path. the man felt that the planning was all wrong and the bus stop should not be there. When I refused to arrest anyone he made an official complaint!

Another one, again the front counter. A second man wanted me to officially note his dislike of all the foreign people allowed on O'Connell street and wanted me too make the authorities aware that they are lowering the tone of the place!

A women then came too me very worried that people were using her name because she looked up the phone book and saw a lot of people using her name!

People are crazy

TheNog

Went to the home of an elderly lady who had died suddenly in the street. She lived alone and me and my skipper went to check the house of valuables/money to take back to the station for safe keeping. Anyway the house was very run down. No running water, electricity, no floors, cobwebs everywhere and a horrible smell. It was fairly dark inside despite it being afternoon. My skipper was in the bedroom and found a bucket beside the bed which he saw something in it and decided to move it outside.Just as he was walking out the back door I said to him that there didn't even seem to be a bathroom in the house. Just then I could hear him wretching out back.

He had just found the toilet!!!!!! (it was the bucket)

Oh god how I laughed

lehanemore

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.



Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
Well, that's great, That's really great.........

Some asshole has my pen.

ojewriej

My GF works in a Pathology Lab, and she told me this story:

Her friend used to work in the Pathology Lab in the Galway Hospital. One day, they brought a body, that was in a water for a very long time. it looked pretty bad as you can imagine, eaten eyes and ears, you get the picture.
Mary Cassidy was doing a post mortem, GFs friend was assisting, two Guards were present as well. According to the friends, they were two big lads.

Just when Mary Cassid was about to cut it open, something started moving under the corpse's skin. GFs friend just panicked and started screaming, and two Guards just legged it. They were found later sitting in their car.

The thing moving under the skin was some kind of crab.

Dave!

LOL I'd probably do the same tbh

ojewriej

I just remembered another one, which I read in this Book

Back in the 80s, two cops in US were interrogating a gang member, who wasn't too educated, too put it nicely. They had a strong feeling, that the witness was lying. So they told him, that they gonna bring in a lie detector, and see if hee is telling the truth.

What they actually brought, was a photocopier. They put a page with " He is lying" written on it on the scanning surface, and started to interogate the witness. Everytime he answered their question, they would press a button, and a copy of the "He is lying" page would come out. Apparently it worked.

Victor

Wandering into town one Saturday afternoon, I saw a bloke on Gardiner Street handcuffed to the railings, wearing only orange Y-fronts. Families with kids out shopping, the works. I can only assume it was an extended stag night prank.

I popped around the corner to the Garda Station on Store Street, where a 14 year old (from Malahide!) was gettign the lecture of her life fromt he desk sergeant and her parents for shop lifting. When that was finished, I mentioned Mr. Orange to the sergeant only to be told "not interested". I wonder if he was a garda:D

sickpuppy32

metman wrote: »

In August a couple of PCs happened to be in the van patrolling a popular park that attracts lasses prone to stripping off in the hot weather. While diligently patrolling this part of their sector one of the PCs phones rang, he answered and it turned out it was his Mrs. This PC, who had an eye for the ladies, had a particularly suspicious other half. The conversation then went something like this:

Mrs: "How's your day going?"
PC: "Really busy. We haven't stopped all day."
Mrs: "Really?"
PC: "Yeah its been mental, we haven't had a break."
Mrs: "So you're not out eyeing up girls then?"
PC : "Of course not, we're out on patrol, why?"
Mrs: "Because I'm sitting in the park and your police van has crawled past me 4 times. You didn't see me as you're too busy ogling the girls with their tops off...."

Busted.

and the name of the park would be?
:P

TheNog

A few years ago a fella was arrested and Section 4'd for a fairly bad assault. In the interview was your man, guard 1 asking the questions and guard 2 writing down the questions and answers. As you can imagine the interview got quite heated with one the guards nearly losing it. This is how it went:

Prisoner: I didn't go near her.

Guard 1: Pedro, your a fcukin lying b**tard

Guard 2 writes: I put it to you, you are lying

Another member was investigating a serious traffic collision with injuries. On the diagrams she drew a small river which passed under the road near the crash scene. The member put down the completed file to go to the toilet but while she was gone one of the lads drew little ducks in the river. She didn't notice it and sent it up before he told her. It never was noticed by the Super or the defending solicitor in court.

deadwood

Guard enters the box to give evidence for a public order summons. Defending solicitor stands and suggests to the judge that a strike-out might be appropriate. The guard looks bemused as the grinning solicitor hands the Inspector a copy of the summons with a portion of it highlighted. The Inspector does a quick check and comes to his feet applying for a srike out, to which the judge acceeded. The poor guard is puzzled and embarrassed and slinks out of the box. The cig growls after him to read his summons. The guard studies his handywork and after a couple of goes, the penny dropped. "..acting in a manner contrary to section 6 of the Criminal Justice (Public Order) Act 1994, to wit saying "no, I will not [EMAIL="f@!k"]f@!k[/EMAIL] off home".