God, them Irish are Thickos!

mickrourke

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site as an odd-job man. The foreman asks him what he can do.
"I can do anything," says the Irishman.
"Can you make tea?" says the foreman.
"Jesus, yes," replies the Irishman.
"I can make a great cup of tea."
"Can you drive a forklift?" asks the foreman.
"Mother of God!" replies the Irishman.
"How big is the teapot?"

Did you hear about the Irish orphanage?
They had a parents night.

And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.

Did you hear the one about the Irish Evel Knievel?
He tried to jump over 13 motorbikes in a double decker bus.
He almost made it as well, but some b*stard rang the bell!

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism?
A couple have called in Satan to remove a priest from their son!

Hagar

You're on fire tonight Mick. I love the exorcism.

mox54

?, why do I not find irishman jokes funny anymore!!

drunk_monk

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?
He was found dead underneath Tesco's!

Did you hear about the Irishman that went to the doctors with scolded feat and bleading ears?
He was trying to cook christmas pudding and the instructions said prick hear and stand in boiling water!


yeah yeah I know they are bad!!

mickrourke

a few more.. I think we should call it the "mega huge bumper thicko Paddy thread'

Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who died in the Dublin air show when his Flippers and snorkel failed to open?

An Irishman is at JFK Airport in New York standing over a broken whiskey bottle crying uncontrollably. He is approached by a security guard who asks him what's wrong. The Irishman replies, "I'VE LOST ALL ME LUGGAGE!!"

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

An Irishman wins the lottery and goes to claim his winnings.
Congratulating him they tell him they will have to pay him the millions in 3 weekly instalments.
With that the irishman replies' Well, if your gonna f*ck me about I'll have my quid back!'

Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland?
The lady with the recipe died.

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says "F*ck me, theres a bloke here who was a hundred and fifty-two!"
Paddy asks "What was his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are captured in the jungle by cannibals. They're tied up and carried back to the cannibal village. When they get there the Englishman and Scotsman are untied and put in the cooking pot. The cannibals untie the Irishman and let him go. The Englishman says to the chief, "I'm awfully sorry old boy but why exactly are you letting Paddy off the hook?" . The chief says, "Because the last time we put him in the pot he ate all the f*cking potatos."

Paddy finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Help me bejesus i've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb". The operator replies "is it tickin"? "No" says Paddy "Oi tink its beef"!!!

Sofaspud

You people are so racist! I find this very offensive to my culture!

I jest, I jest.

KTRIC

I haven't laughed this much in months, thanks guys

drunk_monk

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman meet. The Scotsman says: "This is my son Andrew, I call him Andrew because he was born on St Andrews day." The Englishman said This is my son George, I call him George because he was born on St Georges day." The Irishman says: "This is my son Pancake."