Was he just using me?

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start here, but I suppose a bit of background info might help.

I broke up with my boyfriend of over 2 years nearly 3 months ago. Pretty bad breakup and I was left confused, heartbroken and humiliated. But I picked myself up, threw myself into my hobbies and made new friends etc, and more or less refused to allow him to ruin my conifidence.

Anyway, that's not what has me here.
I was out at the beginning of last week with a group of friends I had not seen in a while. There's a guy in this group who I would know, but have never really had the chance to talk to outside of the social setting. I have liked him for quite a while, and I suppose he'd have been the one guy I would have had an "innocent crush" on whle with my ex, and he's always been friendly towards me - always saying hello, and usually accompanied by a friendly squeeze of the arm. He's not loud or rowdy, but pretty quiet. Not necessarily shy, mind. I've always thought of him as a genuinely nice guy - polite and intelligent to boot.

So as the group filtered off home towards the end of the night, we got talking. I guess we were both pretty drunk at this stage, but not totally inebriated... He asked whether I was still seeing my bf (they had met briefly a year ago at a mutual friend's party) and I told him no, explained briefly what had happened and continued with more general conversation. The bar closed, and I left to get a taxi home, but he called me back as I was leaving and suddenly kissed me, and one thing led to another and we ended up back at his place.

I had NEVER done this before, and had it been any other guy I would have gone home alone, in spite of being drunk. The fact that I knew him and really liked him didn't even allow the idea of a one night stand enter my head, I just got caught up in the moment and before I could even tell myself to slow down, it was already too late.

Next morning, he wasn't awkward with me, we kissed and cuddled a bit, he showered, offered breakfast, brought up some water, but conscious that I had the previous night's make up still on and had to go all the way home in a dress and heels on a weekday morning, I was a little quiet. I was eager to leave while his parents were not around, but he assured me that it was alright, he knew it was an awkward position to put me in, but to stay another hour, instead of sneaking out first thing, so I did. As I was leaving, I both of his parents were in the hallway, and he introduced me before I left. I was so humiliated! We're both in our mid/late 20's, now. I'm aware of this sounding a little teenager-ish.

He texted me later that day, just a random comment on his day, nothing to to with the night before. I replied but did not hear back from him. I texted him again 2 days later, and he replied but only to the first message and I haven't heard form him since, so almost a week. I don't want to come on too strong but at the same time, I don't want this to be just a one night stand.
I don't know what to think now, though. I don't know why he'd bother to text me the following day if he regretted it. He knows me well enough to know that I'm not the type to sleep with just anyone, and I can't believe that someone would be so cruel to use someone like that knowing how badly they had recently been treated by their ex. And why would he put me in such a position where I would bump into his parents?


Part of me wants to simply ask him if he'd like to meet up for coffee or something, but I'm worried that it was just sex for him. And given that I haven't heard from him in almost a week, I don't know whether it's shyness or if he's simply not what I thought he was.

I'd really like to get to know him better and see where it goes though, he's the first guy I've met since the breakup that I haven't compared to my ex, and the thought of throwing any chanced I had of getting to know this guy over a one night stand makes me feel pretty ashamed of myself, frankly.

Any advice?

k-a-t-e

I think it woulr be best if you forgot about him tbh. If he's not answering your messages then he cant be that bothered. Saying that you don't know what's going on in his life, so maybe best to get on with your own life and if he contacts you again with a valid/genuine reason then it may be worth pursuing, if not you haven't lost anything.

A similar thing happened to me, breakfast in the morning, no rush to be out of his place etc and now I hardly hear from him. If you do the running now you'll always wonder 'would he have called me?'

I think the phrase is: we live and learn.

Keep positive

LegacyUser

It has only been one message though, tbh. I haven't been bombarding him with messages, and he did text me the next day after all (he was out that evening, which I already knew, so I wasn't expecting him to reply then).

I just don't see why he would have asked me about my ex, and comment on what an a*s he'd been in he was only interested in a one night stand.

Carrigart Exile

wooooah, stop overanalysing things and filling in the blanks. He's probably going through similar emotions regarding awkwardness. Why don't you text asking to meet for a coffee and a chat and see what he has to say.

Mighty_Mouse

I can't believe that someone would be so cruel to use someone like that knowing how badly they had recently been treated by their ex.

This attitude from girls drive's me nuts.
Fact is, it takes two to tango.
(plus girls are just as likely to operate the same way.)

Anyways maybe's he's been busy. Send him a text saying "shout if you fancy a coffee any time?" or something along those lines.

sobriquet

I have to agree with Mighty_Mouse here tbh, I don't follow the OPs reasoning - unless the assumption is that casual sex is invariably wrong and shameful, and the bloke the OP pulled should also believe this or known that the OP was of that opinion.

It does take two to tango - how was he to know that you don't do one night stands? Before, during or after you actually slept with him without saying as much? He might not feel the same way, maybe one nighters are fine by him, and he's slept with women who agree and do it with as little shame as he does. They do exist.

I don't want to be harsh OP, but leaving aside the (perfectly real) possibility that he is interested in more than sleeping with you, you have be clear about what you want, and communicate that to blokes who try it on. Having a crush on them doesn't somehow make them more psychic. You might believe that one nighters are wrong and shameful, but not everyone agrees. You're only going to tell the difference by actually stating your own beliefs or asking of their intentions.

And for the record, I've been in the same situation pretty much, slept with a girl I wanted more than just sex with. She didn't, so I had to deal with getting the cold shoulder the next morning. So it goes; she didn't owe me anything, there were was no trust or no promises broken, and I walked into the situation knowing what I was doing. I can hardly blame her for feeling hard done by.

Beruthiel

feelingused wrote: »

I can't believe that someone would be so cruel to use someone like that knowing how badly they had recently been treated by their ex.

Sorry, but that's a cop out comment.
Accept responsibility for yourself and your actions.
He asked you back to his place, you accepted because you wanted to.
If you feel guilt now it's because you regret your actions. He got a nice evening, which it what he and you were both looking for at the time.

Now instead of making all sorts up in your head, quit texting like a teenager and pick up your phone and call him. You will then find out once and for all whither it was a one night stand or whither he'd like to see you again.
As simple as.

LegacyUser

Funny how the guys all defend the p*ick!


Okay, firstly, he sounds like a di*khead, you've just escaped from the last one. Don't go chasing this one!

I've been in a similar situation. Well not a one night stand but being dumped shortly after taking things further! Some guys will lie through their teeth and keep an act up for months just to get what they want. Don't trust ANY of them!

I really admire you for not letting the last idiot damage your confidence. I've been completely shattered since it all happened. My confidence has gone way down. I don't even like myself anymore. You're stronger than a lotta people and should be very proud of yourself.

Forget this new guy. I know it's hard. My ex was texting me and said he missed me and still cares about me and then when I replied he went all cold. Haven't heard from him since. After all the lying and cheating and manipulating he did, he still managed to have the last laugh. Proof! Some guys really are cruel.

You sound like a really cool person, don't let him drag you down. Go find somebody who appreciates you.

Beruthiel

Iknowhowufeel wrote: »

Funny how the guys all defend the p*ick!

I'm not a guy.
And if she or you are a fully consenting adult then it's a cop out to blame anyone but yourself for the actions you take on 'expections' for the future.
All you can expect from a one night stand, is a one night stand.
Sometimes they turn into something else, but that can hardly be expected on the night.
I fail to see how he is a p*rick. He asked, she said yes.

edanto

Maybe, just maybe you are overthinking this one. Don't forget that he just found out that you are single, he had no idea about the little crush you had.

He may think that he's blown his chances by putting you in such an awkward situation (one night - parents 8-[ ) oor maybe he's been seeing a few other girls and he's giving them the flick before he meets you ooor maybe he's been really busy, working 80 hours the past week..

The answer to your question 'have I been used', is, as always, 'no idea'. Call him, meet him. Ask him if he feels that you used him. then fall about laughing ;>

I'm a guy. Unfortunately it's a reaction for a lot of guys not to consider someone that you slept with on the first night / one night stand as a serious prospect for a relationship. Of course the male sex drive is there but that's not what we really want even though we will definitely take the opportunity if it's on the table - especially with alcohol in the mix. Better for a girl to hold off a while - few weeks or so and then get down to that after knowing each other. I wouldn't be surprised if that is what the story is with him. It's not really a recoverable situation really..... best to forget about it.

oh - on the used thing - the 2 of you had sex - that's the story - it's not a case of one person using the other.

spinandscribble

tbh op if you wanted a relationship and not a one night stand you shouldnt set yourself up for one. after he kissed you you could have said "how about the cinema this weekend?". he'd just heard you were freshly single and most ppl in my experience want causal flings after a heavy relationship. thats probably what he figured.

i agree with Beruthiel, you're a big girl and are responsible for yourself, you cant expect others especially some friend you dont really know to watch out for your feelings especially since you didnt at any point let him know before it happened you wanted more.

*Lees*

glasso wrote: »

I'm a guy. Unfortunately it's a reaction for a lot of guys not to consider someone that you slept with on the first night / one night stand as a serious prospect for a relationship. Of course the male sex drive is there but that's not what we really want even though we will definitely take the opportunity if it's on the table - especially with alcohol in the mix. Better for a girl to hold off a while - few weeks or so and then get down to that after knowing each other. I wouldn't be surprised if that is what the story is with him. It's not really a recoverable situation really..... best to forget about it.

oh - on the used thing - the 2 of you had sex - that's the story - it's not a case of one person using the other.

+ 1

Your asking if he used you? Maybe sex was all he wanted but it's not like he took something from you without your permission, you both were drunk and slept together!!

I would say forget about him and move on!! If he was interested he would be making more of an effort!!

newestUser

He hasn't been in touch with you for...what, less than a week? That's not even that long. It's not like you're a couple.

The guy isn't a prick. There's a tendency amongst women to pin all the blame on guys when they sleep with someone against their better judgement. "Oh, he tricked me...". You're doing this. You were both consenting adults. He isn't obliged to pursue a relationship with you. And implying he's a prick because you feel rejected, or guilty that you'd done something that you normally wouldn't have because you were down is immature.

Be proactive, try contact him. Why does he have to do all the running?!? Why can't you initiate an exchange?

I can't believe that someone would be so cruel to use someone like that knowing how badly they had recently been treated by their ex.

Wtf? How does he know your internal emotional state? Is he a mind reader? For all he knew, you were happy to be rid of your ex, or you were well over it by now. When a couple drunkenly have casual sex, if one of them decides they don't want anything more, they're *cruel*?!? Cruel would be stringing you along, letting you think there was some deeper attraction while all along they thought of you as nothing more than a f*ck toy.

*sigh* to be honest, the more I think about it, the more I think he's better off staying away...

[edit] and look at this for an example of the 'all men are bastards' mentality:

you've just escaped from the last one. Don't go chasing this one!

What, *what*, WHAT in the name of Jehovah allows you to assume that her ex is a 'prick' as well? Because the breakup was messy? They usually are, doesn't mean either party is a dickhead!

So, anyone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you is a thundering bastard?

<rubs temples> I really shouldn't take this so seriously...

pookie82

God, I totally agree with newestUser, do girls like this really exist anymore????? He doesn't owe you a damn thing, let alone sparing your feelings by refusing to take you back and have his wicked way with you. If you were fair game, and it sounds like you were, how dare you then accuse him of taking advantage because he knew about your ex. So what???

By the way, I'm female, but sometimes posts like this make me wish I were a member of a different sex.

AngryBadger

OP this guy is TOTALLY innocent of any wrongdoing. You're both consenting adults, and as has been said it takes two to tango.

Even if a guy lies through his teeth to get you into the sack nothing will actually happen unless you consent to it.

In your case the reality is that you're probably desperate for affection, and so you decided to believe something would happen if you slept with this guy. Instead nothing has happened, (one way or the other, he may well be back in touch, but of course you assume he's a bad guy because he hasn't been), and so you've done what so many women will do and played the victim card.

You may want to consider that this kind of gullibility and neediness is a major factor in the failure of your previous relationship.

Linoge

I can't believe that you slept with this guy and you still haven't rang him up and asked him out. He must feel like you just used him for sex.

AngryBadger

Linoge wrote: »

I can't believe that you slept with this guy and you still haven't rang him up and asked him out. He must feel like you just used him for sex.

bwahahahahahahahaha +1+1+1+1

padser

feelingused wrote: »

. He knows me well enough to know that I'm not the type to sleep with just anyone

I would have said the opposite

feelingused wrote: »

. I can't believe that someone would be so cruel to use someone like that knowing how badly they had recently been treated by their ex.

You slept with someone you barely know. If you do this they are perfectly entitled to never want to see you again. IF I slept with a friend of a friend etc and she never returned my calls - i might be a bit gutted (and kinda worried in case it was a sign she didn't want more after having sampled what was available :rolleyes:) but how on earth would she owe me something? Two consenting adults with no strings attached.

feelingused wrote: »

. And why would he put me in such a position where I would bump into his parents?

Actually you did that - when you went home with him

LegacyUser

Ok, I am NOT blaming him for anything. I know what's done is done, and I'm not trying to pin any obligation on him.

Calling the situation cruel was over the top of me, I'm not going around damning this guy and calling all men b*stards. So forget I ever said that? It's not what I meant at all.

I know he's not psychic either. And I don't see where I implied that I felt he owed me something.

newestUser wrote: »

the more I think about it, the more I think he's better off staying away...

This isn't very fair. I don't see how putting me down is going to help anything. If it was a one night stand, and nothing more, fine. I accept that and I'll move on and the issue of who used who isn't even going to raise its head.

The reason I posted here was because I was wondering whether calling him would have him running a million miles. I don't want to rush anything or be too forward, and as I said I've never been in this situation before so I have no idea of a guys mentality afterwards.

John Mason

yes he was using you but you went voluntarily with him, so in fact you allowed him to use you, which means he wasnt actually using you at all. it was just sex

spinandscribble

feelingused wrote: »

The reason I posted here was because I was wondering whether calling him would have him running a million miles. I don't want to rush anything or be too forward, and as I said I've never been in this situation before so I have no idea of a guys mentality afterwards.

if he liked you then why would you calling him will make him run a million miles? he liked you enough to have sex with you but he mightnt want a relationship. just because it was you that called instead of him will make him no less likely to want you. call him and ask him out. if he is tongued ect you know the answer.

newestUser

feelingused wrote: »

Ok, I am NOT blaming him for anything. I know what's done is done, and I'm not trying to pin any obligation on him.

Calling the situation cruel was over the top of me, I'm not going around damning this guy and calling all men b*stards. So forget I ever said that? It's not what I meant at all.

I know he's not psychic either. And I don't see where I implied that I felt he owed me something.



This isn't very fair. I don't see how putting me down is going to help anything. If it was a one night stand, and nothing more, fine. I accept that and I'll move on and the issue of who used who isn't even going to raise its head.

The reason I posted here was because I was wondering whether calling him would have him running a million miles. I don't want to rush anything or be too forward, and as I said I've never been in this situation before so I have no idea of a guys mentality afterwards.

Yeah, my post gave the impression that you implied all men are bastards, when it was someone else. And it wasn't nice of me to make that comment, so I'll retract it.

To answer your question, there's no way anyone can know if he's interested or not. No-one here can answer that, you'll just have to call/text him.

If I slept with someone on a one-night stand, it wouldn't change their attractiveness to me. If I was attracted to them before the deed, I still would be. If I wasn't interested in them, I still wouldn't be interested in them.

And as I said in my other post: a week is not a long time, you're not a couple, just because you think that he hasn't been in touch with you for a few days after a bit of casual nookie means he's uninterested, doesn't mean that's what's going through his head.

Put yourself (and us!) out of misery, try and open lines of communication.

LegacyUser

newestUser wrote: »

Yeah, my post gave the impression that you implied all men are bastards, when it was someone else. And it wasn't nice of me to make that comment, so I'll retract it.

To answer your question, there's no way anyone can know if he's interested or not. No-one here can answer that, you'll just have to call/text him.

If I slept with someone on a one-night stand, it wouldn't change their attractiveness to me. If I was attracted to them before the deed, I still would be. If I wasn't interested in them, I still wouldn't be interested in them.

And as I said in my other post: a week is not a long time, you're not a couple, just because you think that he hasn't been in touch with you for a few days after a bit of casual nookie means he's uninterested, doesn't mean that's what's going through his head.

Put yourself (and us!) out of misery, try and open lines of communication.

Thanks, newestuser.

The fact that he did text later on that day is somewhat encouraging, I guess...
I know, given the time of year he's probably insanely busy. I certainly am, so I might hold off till after all that anyway.

Iknowhowufeel

Iknowhowufeel wrote: »

Funny how the guys all defend the p*ick!


Okay, firstly, he sounds like a di*khead, you've just escaped from the last one. Don't go chasing this one!

I've been in a similar situation. Well not a one night stand but being dumped shortly after taking things further! Some guys will lie through their teeth and keep an act up for months just to get what they want. Don't trust ANY of them!

I really admire you for not letting the last idiot damage your confidence. I've been completely shattered since it all happened. My confidence has gone way down. I don't even like myself anymore. You're stronger than a lotta people and should be very proud of yourself.

Forget this new guy. I know it's hard. My ex was texting me and said he missed me and still cares about me and then when I replied he went all cold. Haven't heard from him since. After all the lying and cheating and manipulating he did, he still managed to have the last laugh. Proof! Some guys really are cruel.

You sound like a really cool person, don't let him drag you down. Go find somebody who appreciates you.

this sort of rubbish is the real problem out there - not the OP.

aye

OP just ring him and see what he says. ring dont text.

if he doesnt get back to you then its his loss.

also if i slept with a girl on a one night stand it wouldnt put me off going out with her, guys who say that really piss me off, cos its not how all guys feel.
and i certaintly wouldnt introduce her to my parents if i didnt plan on seeing her again.

so go for it. nothing ventured nothing gained.

Mr. Incognito

Funny how the guys all defend the p*ick!


Okay, firstly, he sounds like a di*khead, you've just escaped from the last one. Don't go chasing this one!

I've been in a similar situation. Well not a one night stand but being dumped shortly after taking things further! Some guys will lie through their teeth and keep an act up for months just to get what they want. Don't trust ANY of them!

I really admire you for not letting the last idiot damage your confidence. I've been completely shattered since it all happened. My confidence has gone way down. I don't even like myself anymore. You're stronger than a lotta people and should be very proud of yourself.

Forget this new guy. I know it's hard. My ex was texting me and said he missed me and still cares about me and then when I replied he went all cold. Haven't heard from him since. After all the lying and cheating and manipulating he did, he still managed to have the last laugh. Proof! Some guys really are cruel.

You sound like a really cool person, don't let him drag you down. Go find somebody who appreciates you.

I feel like I need a tetnus shot after that.

Is he meteor? My phone's been playing havoc on me all week, hense the thought that he only was replying to your earlier text.

Look, personally and prob for a lot of guys out there you don't introduce your booty call to your parents.

Call the man. He's probably waiting for you to make the moves as you've just gotten out of a relationship and a NICE guy will give you some space after that.

LegacyUser

SetantaL wrote: »

I feel like I need a tetnus shot after that.

Is he meteor? My phone's been playing havoc on me all week, hense the thought that he only was replying to your earlier text.

Look, personally and prob for a lot of guys out there you don't introduce your booty call to your parents.

Call the man. He's probably waiting for you to make the moves as you've just gotten out of a relationship and a NICE guy will give you some space after that.

He is on Meteor, yes. But tbh, I'm not a big fan of text messaging anyway, so I was hardly trying to initiate a serious conversation. If he didn't reply it's no big deal anyway.

You have a point with the issue of me recently coming out of a relationship, though. I suppose he might be a little concerned, although he'd have no need. I'm not jumping at the first guy who's shown interest here. I'd genuinely like to see if this could go somewhere. I will call him and suggest doing something... Otherwise I'd probably be kicking myself if it turns out that he was too shy/unsure of the situation etc etc.
But, as I said, I'm crazy busy with work right up until the end of next week, and he could well be too, so maybe waiting until closer to that time might be a better option..

Thanks for the advice.

Marksie

Oh i would call him OP, not wait. He might as you say be unsure and a quick phone call could sort it out.
To be honest, i think your initial reaction was not really aimed at him but if you look honestly at it, it was most probably a reaction to your own internal reaction which you subsequently projected outwards.

You seem to have rethought a little and realised you had a bit of an overreaction

How Strange

OP, if you really want to find out if he is interested or not then just ring him, say hi and ask him if he wants to do something next weekend. Make it something informal like meet for a coffee. If he says no then at least you know the score and that's an end to it. I've stuck my neck out before in similar situations and yes, I've been turned down but its a case of nothing ventured...

muboop1

as everyone has already been saying....

you will never know unless you initiate something!
he might be feeling guilty or anything about it..

think of it this way...

HE asked you to stay longer in morn
HE text you
HE introduced you to his parents...

what more indication of possible interest do you need? mabey he is just shy?

either way give it a go! talk to him...
ring him, arrange to meet up sometime...
something else i promise you will regret it!

LegacyUser

I've just shared my story with you all in the hope of helping the OP feel better. I did not ask to be insulted or humiliated or to feel any worse about myself than I already do. I gave advice stemming from experience. A real experience that happened to me. It did not concern a one night stand but it did involve feeling used and worthless. Speaking as a person who's been through these emotions (and I admit in this case it wasn't a once off thing, there was drug use/cheating/lying/drinking/going missing for days on end ..etc..) I could relate to some of the emotions that the OP expressed and I answered from how I was feeling this morning. I apologise for offending anybody but I was feeling very, very bad earlier. I did not deserve to be insulted any further. Some of what certain posters have said was uncalled for and if anything, insensitive.

It might have came on strong to brand all men as cheaters/liars etc... but I was expressing how I was feeling this morning. Can't you see that I was already feeling incredibley low? I didn't need all those nasty comments, thanks!


OP, I see that you are being lectured for what you said. Peopleare taking it very literally. I get what you are saying though, you're just feeling a lil used. You didn't mean to be blaming him, you were just upset. I think that was pretty obvious and to be honest is a perfectly normal way to respond. When your emotions are high and you've been hurt you don't see the logic because you just feel pessimistic. Yeah it's only been a week but I don't think it sounds like he wants anything serious. I'd say leave it now, before you get hurt again.

P.S Sorry Beruthiel, My mistake!!

LegacyUser

Iknowhowufeel wrote: »

I've just shared my story with you all in the hope of helping the OP feel better. I did not ask to be insulted or humiliated or to feel any worse about myself than I already do. I gave advice stemming from experience. A real experience that happened to me. It did not concern a one night stand but it did involve feeling used and worthless. Speaking as a person who's been through these emotions (and I admit in this case it wasn't a once off thing, there was drug use/cheating/lying/drinking/going missing for days on end ..etc..) I could relate to some of the emotions that the OP expressed and I answered from how I was feeling this morning. I apologise for offending anybody but I was feeling very, very bad earlier. I did not deserve to be insulted any further. Some of what certain posters have said was uncalled for and if anything, insensitive.

It might have came on strong to brand all men as cheaters/liars etc... but I was expressing how I was feeling this morning. Can't you see that I was already feeling incredibley low? I didn't need all those nasty comments, thanks!


OP, I see that you are being lectured for what you said. Peopleare taking it very literally. I get what you are saying though, you're just feeling a lil used. You didn't mean to be blaming him, you were just upset. I think that was pretty obvious and to be honest is a perfectly normal way to respond. When your emotions are high and you've been hurt you don't see the logic because you just feel pessimistic. Yeah it's only been a week but I don't think it sounds like he wants anything serious. I'd say leave it now, before you get hurt again.

P.S Sorry Beruthiel, My mistake!!

iknowhowyoufeel, I appreciate your concern and I'm sorry you've been hurt, but tbh he hasn't hurt me at all, and I haven't been upset or angry over the situation. Embarrassed at myself for ending up in that situation, but nothing more. I have already stated that using the word "cruel" was a bit ott, and I didn't mean it regarding him or the male gender.

Anyway, I had just posted here as I was musing over whether I should contact him or not, and I hoped my post would give a clearer view of the whole situation. I've taken the advice, and yes, I am going to contact him in the next few days. As muboop1 said, he DID text the following day, so he's not exactly planning on ignoring me, is he?

If nothing happens, so be it.

muboop1

thats the spirit! give it a try! and if it workds great, if it doesnt, there will be other guys...

event

Iknowhowufeel wrote:

Some guys will lie through their teeth and keep an act up for months just to get what they want. Don't trust ANY of them!

Iknowhowufeel wrote:

Go find somebody who appreciates you.

how will she find someone if she cant trust any of them

OP, call him. You'll know then for sure