Relationship Vs Single

LegacyUser

Hold on to your hats for this. Long time helper here, just want to go unreg for this as it effects other ppl here.

Right so, recently (roughly 2 months) I've become single, no bad feelings etc.
My last relationship was roughly 2 years longs, had its lows but had some v good HIGHS, I went into that relationship only maybe being a month or less out of a 6 yr relationship that ended badly! Loss of contact with my ex aswell as most of my friends (we wont go into why). I'm a 24 yr old guy and have always been in a relationship since the age of 16, So thats the basics of it all.

I'm obviously now single and well to be honest, I feel lost, lonely and unsure of myself. I had more confidence in myself and my abilities when I was in a relationship (not only relationship confidence but in everything). I also have no drive, no willingness to get up and do anything go to gym, have serious case of insomnia, unable to concentrate on anything and my mind runs over everything over the past 6 or 7 years in my head, in a way maybe just feeling sorry for myself???

Now to top that situation off, I seem to want to be in a relationship with any girl I meet. Maybe thats because of the, well not fear, but the uncertainty and unfamiliar feeling of being single. Admitently there is one girls I have always "fancied" and had thought about in that kinda way, but I think Ive already managed to mess that up by come on to strong in that way.

Unfortunatly I have no one I can really chat to about in this way, This post is more for venting purposes than anything else, but I would apreciate anyones point of view or if anyone has been in similiar situation (male or female).

Thanks for any response in advance.

muboop1

Unregme wrote: »

Now to top that situation off, I seem to want to be in a relationship with any girl I meet. Maybe thats because of the, well not fear, but the uncertainty and unfamiliar feeling of being single.

i hate this feeling,... i have it at moment,, dumped 2 months ago... and now... i wanna be with everyone... any girl im close to i want to get with... i think its due to loving having someone there or trying to replace those feelings or certaintys iv just lost... but iv been here before... about 3 years ago... so wht i knwo i need is to relax... not to jump into anything...

you need to be you...

you need to get comfortable and happy with just being you and being single before you will be capable fo being in a proper relationship,

if you cant be happy with yourself and the uncertaintys of the world, how can you even be totaly happy with a girl? how cna she ever be totaly happy with you if you cant at least accept yourself...

Wibbs

muboop1 wrote: »

you need to be you...

you need to get comfortable and happy with just being you and being single before you will be capable fo being in a proper relationship,

if you cant be happy with yourself and the uncertaintys of the world, how can you even be totaly happy with a girl? how cna she ever be totaly happy with you if you cant at least accept yourself...

Best bit of advice you could read TBH. If you don't take that on board you'll be rebound man for a long time. You're in that zone now. You feel weird being on your own and need a relationship to make yourself feel better. Bad plan. You need to be on your own for a while to find out what you want for yourself.

People who go from one relationship to the next without a break are destined to have problems with each relationship they find themselves in, mainly as they haven't built a relationship with themselves and they, in the majority of cases haven't acknowledged why the previous relationship failed.

The need to be a part of a couple is a bad sign. Wanting it is fine, but not needing it. Of course people like that will be sure that they're fine in whatever couple they're in at the time. Long term they won't be and they may just miss the right person, because of that.

Stay single for a while, until you don't have that need and are comfortable in your own skin. You'll probably be married long enough so enjoy it while you can.

LegacyUser

So I suppose this is just a matter of time thing then, is it?
Its prob the only thing I havent done for myself by given myself time, seeing as was only a month between relationships, at this point though its hard to see anything good.

Jack B. Badd

Unregme wrote: »

I'm a 24 yr old guy and have always been in a relationship since the age of 16

You're missing out big time. And I'm not talking about missing out on the stereotypical view of singledom (i.e. shagging everything around you). I'm talking about the freedom and space it gives you to do your own thing and be your own person (something that you can also do in a relationship but it's easier when you've got time to dedicate to yourself rather than a partner). You can also use the time to get use to being comfortable being by yourself (rather than being alone/lonely).

Unregme wrote:

Loss of contact with my ex aswell as most of my friends

Why not take this opportunity to make more (platonic) friends...? Then you won't feel so alone.

af_thefragile

Hey dude, i can sorta relate to how you feel too...
I broke up a while ago after quite a serious relationship. After the break up i was completely messed up. I had no confidence left in me, no drive to do anything, i felt like a complete loser. At points i felt so desperate to get a gf, i felt i could go out with the next person i'ld meet.

But then i managed to fight it all off... A good loads of the credit goes to Wibbs here!
And then me starting off a new year in coll also helped too....

Though now i've sorta started enjoying being single, i don't think i wanna get into a serious relationship again for a good while and enjoy the benifits of being single. Like being single does have its benifits. Firstly there's the complete freedom and the feeling of being yourself, completely free with not being bound to anyone. Then you're once again able to go around, free to chose the right girl for you again. For all you know you'll probably find someone better this time around! You're free to speak to anyone, flirt with anyone, do whatever you want without being answerable to anyone.

So yeah, its fun being single!!! I say enjoy it till you find the right person for you!

Now i do right now feel i'm standing at the same place as you. Although i got back in contact with my ex (which i don't care bout anymore), i did lose contact with almost all the new friends i had made at my coll this year...
Then i also keep getting the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship with almost every attractive girl i meet/see (though i guess it is slightly normal to an extent for a single guy). I did meet a girl i fancied but i guess i screwed things up with her too n we don't speak to eachother anymore...

But i think the most important thing here is to just try to be yourself, be free, continue living you life and your lifestyle (if you don't have one, find one!). When you come across the right person, things will automatically work out. Most important thing to keep in mind is to not lose out on all the good things life has in store for you while you're busy chasing things you yourself are not sure of!

togster

Hey OP. In exact same situation as you. In relationships since 16 and recently (last wednesday) we broke up. Last night i decided what is the point in lying here wallowing in self pity. So i got up cleaned my appartment washed clothes and went to the gym. Tonight im going to an ice hockey game. You MUST plan a day ahead so you have something to do. It will preoccupy your mind with positive thoughts. I feel great today. I have that feeling too of wanting someone else but then the voice of reason kicks in and says that you must be happy on your own first. Seriously OP get out and do something, anything its alot easier than you think!:)

bermenstein

ps3 or xbox 360 should sort you out?? :rolleyes:

Dont be so Dependant on a relationship. Now that you're single you may want to travel? 6 months? You could meet you're new match away from home.

Although I do remember the initial period after my last big break up. It was tough.

Sorry if i come over light hearted, but you need to get used to your own space and enjoy it somehow.

Mighty_Mouse

I'm obviously now single and well to be honest, I feel lost, lonely and unsure of myself. I had more confidence in myself and my abilities when I was in a relationship

I think this is just the way it is with certain types of people.

I did a 6 yr relationship & have been single for over 2 years now.
I'd happily remain single forever more!
I really does take a little time to get yer bearings, re-establish social networks, and learn again how fantastic it is to be 100% independant.ie every spare minute of the day is yours to do with what you please!

But I reckon you find out more about yerself etc etc
Basically IMO any relationship for me has to be a case of 2 independant people deciding that they like each other enough to develop a relationship.
I run a mile from any girl who has that "need" for a relationship on their radar.

(being open to a possible relationship & wanting one are 2 different things)

Basically what you need to do is make time out of the relationship better than any time within.
-Party yer ass off.
-Get fit, join a gym.
-Get involved in hobbies, sports
-Travel
-Take advantage of the fact you can drop everything and disappear for the weekend when offers come in.

togster

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Basically what you need to do is make time out of the relationship better than any time within.
-Party yer ass off.
-Get fit, join a gym.
-Get involved in hobbies, sports
-Travel
-Take advantage of the fact you can drop everything and disappear for the weekend when offers come in.

I like your style MM. Thats my plan now too.. all of the above!;)

Megatron091

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Basically what you need to do is make time out of the relationship better than any time within.
-Party yer ass off.
-Get fit, join a gym.
-Get involved in hobbies, sports
-Travel
-Take advantage of the fact you can drop everything and disappear for the weekend when offers come in.

Couldn have put it better myself absolute perfect advice..

In a very similar situation and if your old mates are real mates they will help you through this.. Dont be afraid of denting your pride and talk to your mates telling them how you feel it wont make you any less of a man..

W0LFMAN

my two cents.....

You will always bounce in and out of relationships, if the very core of your being is not strong...

If you need to be with someone for emotion support it can be abit of a turn off, remember being depend is something the opposite sex is attracted too.
I was in a long term relationship when I was 17. Too young to fully understand the power of balancing a relationship. I spent 5 years with my love being used as a utilization tool, for personal gain and financial support.
Love was blind for me, I sacrificed everything so I wouldn’t be Quote” lost, lonely and unsure of myself”.

I left the relationship and vowed never to be caught again, never be dispirited, discouraged or heartbroken.

I went travelling 3 months solo around Europe, the incredible views/people freedom was on par with the life changing personal decisions I was making emotionally.

I returned to work with such heated aspiration to achieve more than I was, paved the path to success. I concentrated on myself, like a mad dog. Strength was constant in my mind. Never would I be dependent on someone emotionally or physically. NOT, until least I knew how to be a stable person.

I’m 27 now, owner of three house’s nice Mercedes CLK and living very comfortable beside the beach coast. I have male/female friends around all the time. Not just for fun but chats till 4 in the morning. I’ve had a few nice relationships since, but nothing big, all I know is I’m now in a much stronger position having taking time off to find myself…

I hope you will too…

Regards

Wolf

LegacyUser

Heya guys,

Not sure why my last unreg'd post didnt apear, but Ill try again.
I just want to thank everyone thats taken time to log and to reply, its good to know that there are other ppl (male or female) in the same situation, means that your not only one suffering and it can help alot. I started back at the gym today and although I have a few things still I need to tie up and sort out, I'm gona try sort these out and enjoy the xmas spell. Also talking to one of my old frineds about taking a month or 2 off and going to traveling for it.

As for the other girl, Im gona see her usually at least once or twice a wk, gona just chill and take it easy.... see what happens and if something happens later on that would be cool.
Id still like to hear others opinions and ideas.

Once again thanks again lads, I hope that I can repay the favor when I log in.

af_thefragile

W0LFMAN wrote: »

my two cents.....

You will always bounce in and out of relationships, if the very core of your being is not strong...

If you need to be with someone for emotion support it can be abit of a turn off, remember being depend is something the opposite sex is attracted too.
I was in a long term relationship when I was 17. Too young to fully understand the power of balancing a relationship. I spent 5 years with my love being used as a utilization tool, for personal gain and financial support.
Love was blind for me, I sacrificed everything so I wouldn’t be Quote” lost, lonely and unsure of myself”.

I left the relationship and vowed never to be caught again, never be dispirited, discouraged or heartbroken.

I went travelling 3 months solo around Europe, the incredible views/people freedom was on par with the life changing personal decisions I was making emotionally.

I returned to work with such heated aspiration to achieve more than I was, paved the path to success. I concentrated on myself, like a mad dog. Strength was constant in my mind. Never would I be dependent on someone emotionally or physically. NOT, until least I knew how to be a stable person.

I’m 27 now, owner of three house’s nice Mercedes CLK and living very comfortable beside the beach coast. I have male/female friends around all the time. Not just for fun but chats till 4 in the morning. I’ve had a few nice relationships since, but nothing big, all I know is I’m now in a much stronger position having taking time off to find myself…

I hope you will too…

Regards

Wolf

Wow dude,
I completely admire you there!!!

I've been aiming to achieve something similar in my life too.
A nice comfortable life where i'm completely independent of myself but still have a few great friends around all the time. A good house (by the beach!), a good car. A life i can put my hand on my heart and say i love!

I haven't gotten anywhere close to that lately. Sill spiraling around horrible relationship, breakups and fighting loneliness. I maybe all strong on the inside but my core is softer than marshmallows!
Trying to work on making myself completely independent. Trying to find an alternative life outside the coll life i've lately been sick of, so i decided to get into mountain biking and stuff. Something i like, both the sport and the extreme lifestyle.

Its not easy, guess its gonna take a long time too. I did make the same vow after my recent break up as u did. Never to be caught up again and not let any girl or anyone for that sake to bring me down. I realised life's not all bout falling in relationships and being in love. There's a lot more to life than that and i set myself off to pursue the lifestyle i've always wanted.
Its tough. Meet a million roadblocks on my way but you've just gotta make yourself strong enough to easily break though all those barricades n achieve what you want!

Well, major Kudos to you sir!
That post of yours is becoming a big inspiration for me.

togster

af_thefragile wrote: »

Wow dude,
I completely admire you there!!!

I've been aiming to achieve something similar in my life too.
A nice comfortable life where i'm completely independent of myself but still have a few great friends around all the time. A good house (by the beach!), a good car. A life i can put my hand on my heart and say i love!

I haven't gotten anywhere close to that lately. Sill spiraling around horrible relationship, breakups and fighting loneliness. I maybe all strong on the inside but my core is softer than marshmallows!
Trying to work on making myself completely independent. Trying to find an alternative life outside the coll life i've lately been sick of, so i decided to get into mountain biking and stuff. Something i like, both the sport and the extreme lifestyle.

Its not easy, guess its gonna take a long time too. I did make the same vow after my recent break up as u did. Never to be caught up again and not let any girl or anyone for that sake to bring me down. I realised life's not all bout falling in relationships and being in love. There's a lot more to life than that and i set myself off to pursue the lifestyle i've always wanted.
Its tough. Meet a million roadblocks on my way but you've just gotta make yourself strong enough to easily break though all those barricades n achieve what you want!

Well, major Kudos to you sir!
That post of yours is becoming a big inspiration for me.

Af without sounding too harsh, this sel-pity thing is getting old. Your posts are contradictory. I would suggest stop wallowing in the sadness and get up and do what you type. Move on its the only way.

af_thefragile

^ Sorry there...
Didn't meant to sound like i was projecting any self-pity.
I just found the dude's post really inspirational.

I know i've been contradicting myself lately...
I guess lately i haven't been getting things until i learn it myself the hard way.
But well I've learnt from my mistakes and not anymore... I've decided to get out of all that i had been living and move on with my life. I'm gonna do what i type.

togster

af_thefragile wrote: »

^ Sorry there...
Didn't meant to sound like i was projecting any self-pity.
I just found the dude's post really inspirational.

I know i've been contradicting myself lately...
I guess lately i haven't been getting things until i learn it myself the hard way.
But well I've learnt from my mistakes and not anymore... I've decided to get out of all that i had been living and move on with my life. I'm gonna do what i type.

Hey man listen. Its about doing. If you type negative things you will think negative things. Stop talking to your friends about it. It might feel good at the time but you are re-hashing old thoughts. Right now you should go somewhere and do something. I broke up last wednesday but i feel better than i have in a long time. Be pro-active and quit acting negative and you will stop thinking negative. Be strong dude. Life is waiting:)

af_thefragile

I guess thats is true bout me having negaive thoughts. I've been in both places where i was pro-active and negative. Being negative has only bought **** to my life while its was mostly me becoming more pro-active that helped me recover from the shock of the break up n made my life better.

I am gonna start going back to the gym regularly now and stop feeling negative. Need to stop bothering myself with the little crappy things in life that don't really matter n work on the bigger picture.

I'm still learning to be strong. I guess once i get more active in my life, i'll get where i wanna be. So yeah, i'm gonna stop wasting time soiling in all the negative thoughts lingering around n start living life! (hoping i stick to this!).

muboop1

Unregme wrote: »

Heya guys,

Not sure why my last unreg'd post didnt apear, but Ill try again.
I just want to thank everyone thats taken time to log and to reply, its good to know that there are other ppl (male or female) in the same situation, means that your not only one suffering and it can help alot. I started back at the gym today and although I have a few things still I need to tie up and sort out, I'm gona try sort these out and enjoy the xmas spell. Also talking to one of my old frineds about taking a month or 2 off and going to traveling for it.

As for the other girl, Im gona see her usually at least once or twice a wk, gona just chill and take it easy.... see what happens and if something happens later on that would be cool.
Id still like to hear others opinions and ideas.

Once again thanks again lads, I hope that I can repay the favor when I log in.

hope we helped, im in same sit, pain in ballox... and shes doing the wrong thing... shes seeing another guy already.. and i know shes making mistake...

but thats her mistake to make! i can even understand where shes comiong from! i want so much to be with someone... but i cant be!

i amtn ready! the feeling that i have to be with someone now tells me all that! tells me all i need to know about it! until im happy single i cant be with someone!

LegacyUser

Hi Muboop,

Yeah you guys have been a great help thanks. The only thing is, the girl I scared off recently, was someone I did want to try and see if something happened with AT SOME POINT, but I suppose best thing I can think is, she will be there in 3 r 4 months when I feel more comfortable and see if I can "bust a move" then rather than making her run, lol.

impr0v

I haven't read all the above but I'd say I'm echoing some of the responses already received.

Essentially you've spent a third of life thus far in a relationship. You've developed emotionally and mentally during that time, but throughout that period of the development you had someone else as a close part of your life. Consequently, the way you have developed has taken account of that fact and your emotional stability has, unbeknownest to you, become reliant upon being part of relationship.

You just need time to round yourself off as an individual. You can speed up this process by doing something like what Wolfman did and go off travelling on your own; it's a crash course in self-sufficiency, but if you stay single for a decent amount of time it will happen of its own accord.

muboop1

Unregme wrote: »

Hi Muboop,

Yeah you guys have been a great help thanks. The only thing is, the girl I scared off recently, was someone I did want to try and see if something happened with AT SOME POINT, but I suppose best thing I can think is, she will be there in 3 r 4 months when I feel more comfortable and see if I can "bust a move" then rather than making her run, lol.

look if its ment to happen it will...
wether it is tomorrow or a year from now...

but how to act now with this girl, this depends alot on your relationship with this girl... is she a friend? random girl you know? work college or what?

how to act now towards her... realy depends on your current relationship! what is it if you dont mind me asking?

W0LFMAN

my two cents

Quote "I maybe all strong on the inside but my core is softer than marshmallows."

This core is your true self, don’t be afraid of it.
This core, this part of you is what you protect.
Without the protection it hurt, bleed or be destroyed.
This core shared with someone special, makes the relationship last.

If you can still feel it, kudos, some people become so hard......and so cold..... You heard of the saying "heart of stone".

I searched for my core when I went travelling, I thought I lost the very last of it at one point, I went to find it, But I found when you’re solo travelling, your insides come out, your core fills you completely. You’re away from all the hurt, distraction and controlling people that influence you. You may be on a lonely beach away from mankind..... Or on top of the highest mountain where no one can touch you. When you’re in a zone, where you’ve let go of all your defenses, your protectiveness, you core expands and you become unafraid, and wholesome.

Only then, when you’ve let go, you can make serious change. You think about the past and the mistakes you made, you release mental boundaries and replay in your mind the decisions that were wrong, and how to in the future you can make the them right. All this is so clear when travelling, travel removes the mental pollution from routine stagnation.

When I was on the south coast of Spain, (looking for the coast of Africa) after driving for 26 hours out of France, I collapsed exhausted on the beach drifting in and out of sleep; I awoke with the Piercing sun on the horizon. I felt I was the first person in Europe to see day light for that particular day. I thought to myself why did I travelled so long and so hard for?… what was the rush? where was i trying to go?, but seeing that day was unlike any other day for me. I was the first.
Did fate put me there, I think not, what I did in the past, the summation of all my choices, put me there, if this didn't make me change and relize myself, nothing will.

But it did.

few months later...
When I was Snowboarding in France after catching the last lift to the top, before my very first Black run. I paused and stood. What I saw was unimaginable,
I felt I saw earth from the highest peak. I can't describe it, only feel it. That was the day when I knew I was nothing more than a normal person, living a short blink of a life time, and I should not waste life, but live it to the full.

When, I’m faced with a decision, may it be large or small I sometimes put myself in many of those places I’ve visited. They help me not to get stuck, not to loop around the same problem over and over.

For everyday being stuck is one day less being somewhere I enjoy.

For everyday being wasted, is one day not seeing something unimaginable.

People make their own memories; it’s the only way of remembering happiness or pain.

And when you will turn your core into a blazing ball of life, nothing will touch it.

Regards

Wolf

LegacyUser

Heya muboop1

To be honest I couldnt answer that here as well it would prob be known then to others in rl, but say she is a person that I would see least once a wk in any kinda environment either chilling at home, out on night or bump into the street, but as you said if it happens it happens, again guys thanks for all your help

muboop1

Unregme wrote: »

Heya muboop1

To be honest I couldnt answer that here as well it would prob be known then to others in rl, but say she is a person that I would see least once a wk in any kinda environment either chilling at home, out on night or bump into the street, but as you said if it happens it happens, again guys thanks for all your help

well keep yourself close then... not overly close... but whatever you do, dont act different... if she potentially liked you before, when you were acting yourself?? act that way now-thats who she fell for! and if you ever feel the need to tell her more do! but chose words carefully! you came on potentially to strong before, try calm it down!

af_thefragile

W0LFMAN wrote: »

my two cents

Quote "I maybe all strong on the inside but my core is softer than marshmallows."

This core is your true self, don’t be afraid of it.
This core, this part of you is what you protect.
Without the protection it hurt, bleed or be destroyed.
This core shared with someone special, makes the relationship last.

If you can still feel it, kudos, some people become so hard......and so cold..... You heard of the saying "heart of stone".

I searched for my core when I went travelling, I thought I lost the very last of it at one point, I went to find it, But I found when you’re solo travelling, your insides come out, your core fills you completely. You’re away from all the hurt, distraction and controlling people that influence you. You may be on a lonely beach away from mankind..... Or on top of the highest mountain where no one can touch you. When you’re in a zone, where you’ve let go of all your defenses, your protectiveness, you core expands and you become unafraid, and wholesome.

Only then, when you’ve let go, you can make serious change. You think about the past and the mistakes you made, you release mental boundaries and replay in your mind the decisions that were wrong, and how to in the future you can make the them right. All this is so clear when travelling, travel removes the mental pollution from routine stagnation.

When I was on the south coast of Spain, (looking for the coast of Africa) after driving for 26 hours out of France, I collapsed exhausted on the beach drifting in and out of sleep; I awoke with the Piercing sun on the horizon. I felt I was the first person in Europe to see day light for that particular day. I thought to myself why did I travelled so long and so hard for?… what was the rush? where was i trying to go?, but seeing that day was unlike any other day for me. I was the first.
Did fate put me there, I think not, what I did in the past, the summation of all my choices, put me there, if this didn't make me change and relize myself, nothing will.

But it did.

few months later...
When I was Snowboarding in France after catching the last lift to the top, before my very first Black run. I paused and stood. What I saw was unimaginable,
I felt I saw earth from the highest peak. I can't describe it, only feel it. That was the day when I knew I was nothing more than a normal person, living a short blink of a life time, and I should not waste life, but live it to the full.

When, I’m faced with a decision, may it be large or small I sometimes put myself in many of those places I’ve visited. They help me not to get stuck, not to loop around the same problem over and over.

For everyday being stuck is one day less being somewhere I enjoy.

For everyday being wasted, is one day not seeing something unimaginable.

People make their own memories; it’s the only way of remembering happiness or pain.

And when you will turn your core into a blazing ball of life, nothing will touch it.

Regards

Wolf

Wow Wolf,
You are the man!!!

Those were some of the most inspiring words i've ever come across.
And i've come across a lot of inspirational stuff but you're an example of how it can be done!
I fully admire what you did there.

I'm planing to go away somewhere with a couple of friends during my easter break in around feb. Might just use that time off now to find myself!

Thanks dude.
You're trully an inspiration for me!

greenteaicedtea

I'm single and I hate it. I know I have to just deal with it and pretend I don't care, but the fact of the matter is, that's what bugs me the most, I'm single and I'm almost 37. I'm so tired of thinking about it.

so just throwing that out, you're not alone in your confusion etc.

pepper

i miss my single life:(