Identifying Lesbians or Bisexual girls

LegacyUser

Hey all, I'm not sure if this is the right forum for my predicament, but feel free to move me if it is.

Ok so here's the deal; My sexual preference is for the female gender. Being a female myself this can be rather confusing. I'm not really into the "gay scene" and I don't want to drag my straight friends along to gay bars, so my usual haunts would be indie/rock type bars or clubs... Straight ones.

My problem is that I hae trouble identifying girls who swing my direction when I'm out. I mean, is there actually any way to tell? Also, is there a polite (and socially accepted) way to approach someone, not knowing their sexuality, and ask them if they're gay? I mean, it seems rude to just ask someone outright, you never really know if you'll offend someone or not.

I was out the other night with a couple of my friends for a dance and this girl caught my eye. She'd left her friends kissing in the corner (poor girl) and come to the dance floor on her own. Our eyes met a few times and when I went to check on the coats she seemed to follow me and dance by me. I really wanted to work up the courage to approach her, but I just couldn't because it'd cause a scene if she was straight. She didn't look like a stereotypical "dyke" (to use a horrible word), so how could I have told?

I also sometimes worry that potential females may not approach me because I don't fit the typical lesbian look. Is there anything I can do to let them know my sexuality? (I've heard some people saying that a sort of code is to wear a purple bracelet/wristband or something, but i've never seen anyone wearing them myself, and it's probably not true)

Arg, it's all so frustrating. Sometimes I feel like wearing a sign saying "I like girls!".

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks.

biko

There is really no way to know. Treat everyone as a potential sex partner and you'll soon find out.
m2c

Kipperhell

The try everyone technique is a dangerous position to put yourself in. While your sexual preference is nothing to be ashamed of (or anybody else's) some people are very aggressive. I am neither female nor gay but I have friends explain similar problems. What I can say is i have been treated as if I am not straight. This has lead to some pretty dangerous situations. It is unfortunate but a vital part of life to consider.

Certainly there is no real "gaydar". It is pretty much like normal life where you maybe able to gauge interests as based on many factors. If you are not familiar enough with indicators ( the question states that) you may be safer approaching people in at least a gay friendly environment. There were secret languages and signals but their importance has diminished and not really used any more.

There are service and groups to help but you probably figured that out. The problem with any such organisation or groups is they are run by people who like organisations and groups . You may be like me and generally dislike such structures and people who like them;). It sounds like you need a comfort zone first. It is both safer and probably more informative. Good luck and don't fear the world just be aware.

Gay woman are less likely than gay men to be attacked but I would say more likely than your average woman . I say that only from what friends tell me as I will never truly understand. While it may not be direct information it is at least a perspective to consider. I hope not to scare you but sometimes people happy with their own choices believe everybody should follow them. There are many ways to be yourself.

davyjose

Have you considered myspace or a personal ad? Is meeting someone in a bar the only viable way to meet a potential partner? And if so, why? In an ideal world it would be a hell of a lot more healthy to meet someone sober, in a safe place with some personal background attached, than drunk, in a bar, after midnight.

And if you insist, the "I like girls" T-shirt would actually be pretty cool

randylonghorn

BlindWatchmaker wrote: »

I'm not really into the "gay scene" and I don't want to drag my straight friends along to gay bars

Maybe pay an odd visit to ones which get a "mixed" clientele?

BlindWatchmaker wrote: »

Sometimes I feel like wearing a sign saying "I like girls!"

A humourous enough version might actually work, but you would probably also have twice as many fellows chasing you, wanting to know could they get in on the act!!

BlindWatchmaker wrote: »

Hey all, I'm not sure if this is the right forum for my predicament, but feel free to move me if it is.

And while you are by no means in the wrong forum or anything, you might find some people with more useful advice in this forum.

Best of luck, and have fun!

Carrigart Exile

In the UK there is a rainbow thing going on, rainbow wrist bands, rainbow braces that allow gay women, who want to be identified, to identify each other

Agent Smith

"I know we can't use the word dyke, we can't even say lesbian. It's women in comfortable shoes."


chatroom or myspace tbh

kraggy

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

In the UK there is a rainbow thing going on, rainbow wrist bands, rainbow braces that allow gay women, who want to be identified, to identify each other

That's an Irish thing too.

May even be worldwide.

Lux23

Maybe you join www.gaire.com, it a gay forum and they have regular meet ups and I know for a fact there are a few regular bi or lesbian girls at them. I live with a lesbian so I know how to spot some gay girls but there are tons who I would have no clue about.

squibs

As there are more straight people than gay people at most pubs and clubs, looking for somebody will be like searching for a needle in a haystack. As a straight male, I've been to a gay bar with my missus who has some gay friends and it was just a regular bar (not sure what I was expecting tbh). If your mates support you they should have no problem coming with you to a place where you might be able to meet someone, just once in a while.

If you can extend your circle of mates to include the gay scene, it expands your options.

Nevyn

I would suggest getting a badge of some sort I know someone who wears one that says
"Wot a dyke looks like!".

LegacyUser

If you want to know if someone is interested in you then you have to talk to them. Even straight people have trouble knowing if others are straight, single, interested until they take that first brave step of saying "Hi"!

MzFusspot

http://www.gay-ireland.com/QA/

Go to Queer & Alternative this January! It's one of the better indie/rock nights out in Dublin and has wall to wall lesbians. Bar is a bit of a bollocks to get to but you can't have everything

Marksie

A lot of the sites have events and you can see event listings in some of the magazines.

There are lists of female only venues and dates

LegacyUser

That's a lot of useful information, thanks so much guys. I've been tied up with someone for the last 5 years and I just wanna let loose for a while. (Although I don't think I'll treat everyone as a possible sex partner, that could end badly!)

Again, thanks!

qwertyphobia

Q&A nights are a good place to start. They are on every few months so don't miss the January one.

While there is no sure fire gaydar you can pick up on more visual cues if someone is interested in you, general flirting stuff of eye contact and mirroring. At that piont I think it's ok to be upfront and say your queer and ask if the other person is.

craichoe

They usually have big muscles and short hair.

Or .. thats my experience of living across the road from a gay bar anyway

kraggy

craichoe wrote: »

They usually have big muscles and short hair.

Or .. thats my experience of living across the road from a gay bar anyway

And all muslims are terrorists and all Irish are pissheads.

OP, don't worry about not looking like a "typical lesbian", whatever that is nowadays.

I've gay friends, both guys and girls and they have no problem scoring in "straight" bars/clubs. I think the whole divide between straight and gay establishments has become more diluted and less defined. More straight people are going to gay bars and more gay people are fed up with the scene and only frequent straight places. And bi people are scoring same sex partners at straight and gay house parties.

My point is, people are not as pigeon-holed in today's society. There's is more a mix in the social gathering of people so don't be too shy about eyeing up some girl just because it's a straight bar or club. But don't be all over them either, just as you shouldn't in any type of scenario. Read the signs and go with your instinct.

Eventually, you will face some rejection but inevitably you will also meet future partners and maybe even your wife.

Whatever else, go for it and good luck.

craichoe

kraggy wrote: »

And all muslims are terrorists and all Irish are pissheads.

OP, don't worry about not looking like a "typical lesbian", whatever that is nowadays.

I've gay friends, both guys and girls and they have no problem scoring in "straight" bars/clubs. I think the whole divide between straight and gay establishments has become more diluted and less defined. More straight people are going to gay bars and more gay people are fed up with the scene and only frequent straight places. And bi people are scoring same sex partners at straight and gay house parties.

My point is, people are not as pigeon-holed in today's society. There's is more a mix in the social gathering of people so don't be too shy about eyeing up some girl just because it's a straight bar or club. But don't be all over them either, just as you shouldn't in any type of scenario. Read the signs and go with your instinct.

Eventually, you will face some rejection but inevitably you will also meet future partners and maybe even your wife.

Whatever else, go for it and good luck.

I haven't met many muslims but they seem pretty sound. I'd say Irish, English and Scots are pissheads :P

If you walk into Loafers in Cork a large majority of the women look like that. What i mean is the Gay bars are absolutely CRAP for picking people up.

Hmm .. don't really think you know the gay community at all. In cork its tiny and every gay person would know pretty much every other gay person. Your options are limited

http://www.linc.ie/listings.html

Heres a listing for all Gay/Lesbian + Gay friendly bars etc.

IMO the gay community in Ireland have pidgeonholed themselves into a loud obnoxius persona with many people choosing to be 'gay' to have that persona. In fact i don't even live in Ireland anymore and the attitude across europe is MUCH different, there isnt a 'Gay community' they seem moreso to just fit in and mix with everyone else. "I'm Gay" isn't a phrase they would even think of saying because its not important.

In fact one of my friends is getting married to his partner in 3 weeks

Nevyn

There are many types of lesbian women and bi sexual women, and if a certain type patrons a certain bar that does not make them a standard.

One clue a friend passed on to me recently was that women who like women in that way will tend to have shorter nails for obivious reasons

kraggy

craichoe wrote: »

If you walk into Loafers in Cork a large majority of the women look like that. What i mean is the Gay bars are absolutely CRAP for picking people up.

Hmm .. don't really think you know the gay community at all. In cork its tiny and every gay person would know pretty much every other gay person. Your options are limited

http://www.linc.ie/listings.html

Heres a listing for all Gay/Lesbian + Gay friendly bars etc.

IMO the gay community in Ireland have pidgeonholed themselves into a loud obnoxius persona with many people choosing to be 'gay' to have that persona. In fact i don't even live in Ireland anymore and the attitude across europe is MUCH different, there isnt a 'Gay community' they seem moreso to just fit in and mix with everyone else. "I'm Gay" isn't a phrase they would even think of saying because its not important.

In fact one of my friends is getting married to his partner in 3 weeks

Point taken but your previous post was a bit isolated and seemed to be a generalising, ignorant comment of no worth.

But now that you have expanded, I would agree with a lot of you say with regard to say in Europe where in many parts, the issue isn't really an issue if you will.

Ireland has a long way to go when it comes to the integration of gay with straight and, indeed, straight with gay. However, I know that many of my gay friends are afraid of breaking the divide (i.e. being totally relaxed in a straight bar) as a result of the threat of violence if they show affection for their partner on the street or in a straight bar. The spate of attacks on gay people leaving the George and other establisments in Dublin and Cork last year is testament to this. It's a societal issue and not a case that the gay community want to isolate themselves and keep to themselves in their own social circle.

But it's also very important to recognise that the gay bars and clubs of Dublin, Cork, Galway or wherever, only represent a small percentage of the gay people living in those cities and their environs. So it's not really fair to paint all lesbians with the same butch, denim dungarees, darts-playing brush.

Cactus Col

I would've thought some kind of rainbow badge would be a good idea. If I saw a girl with one on, I'd assume she was gay.

Or you could follow me around for a bit, I know any girl that doesn't swoon when I chat them up has to be a lesbian. (AND THERE's LOTS OUT THERE!)

PopeBuckfastXVI

randylonghorn wrote: »

A humourous enough version might actually work, but you would probably also have twice as many fellows chasing you, wanting to know could they get in on the act!!

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/%20I%20eat%20pussy%20/-/pd_28013287?CMP=PF-CA-Pricegrabber-28013287-outfitter.109

Might send out the message you want to?

kowloon

There's an awful lot of people in this country who feel the need to advertise the fact that they're gay by jumping straight into a stereotype.

Life would be more interesting if nobody knew who was what without talking to each other.

randylonghorn

PopeBuckfastXVI wrote: »

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/%20I%20eat%20pussy%20/-/pd_28013287?CMP=PF-CA-Pricegrabber-28013287-outfitter.109

Might send out the message you want to?

Sorry for going slightly off topic, but someone should really buy that for Az for Christmas for the laugh!

Carrigart Exile

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are many types of lesbian women and bi sexual women, and if a certain type patrons a certain bar that does not make them a standard.

One clue a friend passed on to me recently was that women who like women in that way will tend to have shorter nails for obivious reasons

And I thought Sherlock Holmes was fictional, way to go Thaedydal, would never have thought of that one

jmauel

If you are not comfortable bringing your friends to a gay bar why not go to some bars that attract a mixed crowd. In Galway a lot of gay people go to the Blue Note etc, in fact a lot of gay people in Galway never go the gay bars or clubs at all. Also I'm sure your friends would not mind going out on the gay scene with you occasionally.
As regards knowing whether someone is gay or not, sometimes its obvious and sometimes its not. But generally if you are chatting to somebody ,male or female, you should be able to pick up on whether they are interested in you or not.
Best of luck and hope you meet some lovely ladies.

LegacyUser

It is definitely a tricky one, but as people have already said, when you are talking to somebody that you're into it should be obvious enough if they are flirting with you or not. What I find is actually really good, if you want somebody to know that you are into girls without screaming "I'm gay" and sounding a bit weird, is to casually drop a hint into conversation. Such as if you are talking about a band you like, to go "Oh yeah I went to see them with my ex-girlfriend last year", or something like that. It can be tailored for any situation. So even if they are not gay, its not gonna be a massive awkward conversation stopper. And if they are then they know that you are too.

kraggy

kowloon wrote: »

There's an awful lot of people in this country who feel the need to advertise the fact that they're gay by jumping straight into a stereotype.

Life would be more interesting if nobody knew who was what without talking to each other.

Very true.

spinandscribble

Originally Posted by kowloon
There's an awful lot of people in this country who feel the need to advertise the fact that they're gay by jumping straight into a stereotype.

Life would be more interesting if nobody knew who was what without talking to each other.
.

kraggy wrote: »

Very true.

this is very unhelpful posting, the op isnt asking for opinions on how interesting or amusing life would be if everyone didnt know she was gay, shes trying to find a good way of letting ppl know shes gay in a conversion, without jumping on a gay pride parade.

op bring up funny incidents while around ppl about ex gfs but if you have no ex gfs i know a gay girl who's friends with my bf that literally talks about hot celebs all the time. its a bit too much but maybe a toned down version would be good "oh you saw good luck chuck? oh jessica albas so hot".

kraggy

spinandscribble wrote: »

this is very unhelpful posting, the op isnt asking for opinions on how interesting or amusing life would be if everyone didnt know she was gay, shes trying to find a good way of letting ppl know shes gay in a conversion, without jumping on a gay pride parade.

And i've given her advice above.

kowloon

this is very unhelpful posting, the op isnt asking for opinions on how interesting or amusing life would be if everyone didnt know she was gay, shes trying to find a good way of letting ppl know shes gay in a conversion, without jumping on a gay pride parade.

Conversation WAS my point

Piece of advice that regularly gets given out here (mainly because it's true) is that overzealous seeking gets in the way of finding.
I don't see why this wouldn't hold true for the OP.
Mix only with those people you identify as potentials and you might miss out on all the people who are but don't feel the need to advertise it.
The girl of your dreams might be out there and you could lose out because she wasn't wearing the right bracelet.

So, just like in the threads with straight people looking for love, get out there and meet anyone and everyone.