Am I pushing too hard?

ancient faith

Hi, I've been with my b/f over 7 years. I'm 24, he's a year older. We bought a house a year ago so it is a serious thing (which I suppose it should be after 7 years?). Anyway he's never been the most affectionate or loving person at all, in fact most of our arguments are about this in some way. Anyway lately he has said some things which really upset me. Neither of these things was said in an argument, the first one was during a chat about about something, I laughed and said "oh my god you think you're so great and that you're better than everyone at everything!" He replied "well i'm better than you" from there it got a bit serious as I questioned him on it and it turns out that yes, he thinks he's better than me. Is this normal, I dont think so but perhaps i'm over re-acting. I have fairly low self confidence and am now wondering if this, in some way, has to do with living with a partner who looks down on me.

The second thing he said was during a conversation about a friend who just got out of a long term relationship and is taking it hard. I had said "poor thing, I can imagine how horrible it is" to which he replied "I'd be fine if we broke up" again, not really doing much for my confidence there either!!

Anyway the main thing now I'm upset about is engagement. Bare in mind we're in our mid 20's and together 7 years. I feel like people we know are getting engaged and married, together shorter time than us and one of these people is a psycho dangerous liar and yet she's engaged!! What's going on!!! He knows this is starting to bother me and yesterday we were driving along talking about an upcoming wedding we are going to (yet another one) and he said "I was thinking of asking you before that wedding to marry me" so I smiled and asked if he was serious, and he said that actually he was thinking of asking me brfore '08. And I again asked "really?" and he burst out laughing and said "no I'm only messing". Am I expecting too much, I'm trying not to be pushy but he does NOTHING unless pushed, but I know that if I do push I will regret it, in that he'll go along with it and just "go with the flow". He insists he does love me but it really doesn't feel like it. What do you think?

Libertine07

Get rid of him! He obviously has no respect for you. You've already wasted 7 years on this idiot, don't give him any more of your time. There's someone out there who will treat you right, go find him!

Mr. Incognito

"well i'm better than you" from there it got a bit serious as I questioned him on it and it turns out that yes, he thinks he's better than me.

You will never have any equality in your marraige. None.

Get rid of him! He obviously has no respect for you. You've already wasted 7 years on this idiot, don't give him any more of your time

+1

dudara

Just looking at the the first sentence you wrote, you've been together since your early teens. While people can and do get married after being childhood sweethearts, it seems to me that you've never seen anything else, nor do you have any idea of how relationships are different when formed in your twenties/thirties.

Plus, he really doesn't seem to have any respect for you. He's just happy to have you by his side.

ancient faith

I know you're probably right about "getting rid" but we have a house and our lives have been part of each other since we were 17-18. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do that. When I met him I had moved to a new place so really my friends are his friends and their girlfriends so I would really be TOTALLY alone. Also I love him, I really do. He's a great person, lots of fun and can sometimes be very sweet. He claims he shows his affection in a practical way, by driving me places etc. I feel like he just doesn't enjoy his time with me as Dudara says "he's just happy to have you by his side" .I'm wondering if we are just sort of getting by. But the thought of being without him makes me sick. (unlike him, he's just get on with it)

Dudara, I know what you're saying, we had a lot of growing to do when we met, perhaps we grew apart and I do feel sometimes that he's just not mature enough to be in an "adult" relationship. But then it's easy for me to blame him isn't it!!!

seamus

As others have said, he seems to think that you're his eternal sidekick and based on your post he has little or no respect for you.

Would you really want to be married to someone who thinks they're better than you and reckons they wouldn't be all too upset to lose you? Sounds to me like he's just comfortable that you're there and you always will be there, he may not even be that much in love with you.

azezil

As you say yourself, you've low self confidence so he feels like he'll never loose you because you don't have the courage to leave him, so why should he bother to respect you, when you don't respect yourself?

Wibbs

Actions speak louder than words. Driving you places is all very well but is he affectionate and caring, I mean genuinely caring in other ways? His comments are a bit off side to say the least. Now it could be that he's so used to you that he treats you like a male mate and this stuff is a joke, but I doubt it. His comment about not being worried about breaking up with you speaks volumes.

Standard stuff really. He's happy with the status quo, but a part of him is probably wondering if there's more out there. I think most people have better and mature relationships if they have had at least one serious one before they settled down. This goes for men doubly I would say. If you were his first everything then he will wonder what he's missing. The mature man may well wonder that but know what he's got. I suspect he doesn't. That would be my take on it.

The biggest issue I have is with you though. You need to get a life outside of him regardless of what happens down the line. As it is you're trapped and have few choices. Those choices will get less and less with time and when someone has few choices to make then they have few avenues of escape. Forget escape, they have no independence.

niceirishfella

The whole "have a house together thing" ,means shag all nowadays. Its a financial commitment but by no means a emotional one.
I get the feeling that if ye broke up, he'd be happy to sell the house and halve the spoils. I don't think he's going to be your life partner or at least, the partner in life you deserve to share you life with.

Think about it and I wish you well.

diamondp

i nearly cried reading that last few lines. im not an emotional person but that even stung me!!! leading you on like that about marriage and then laughing in your face when he seen you getting excited. that hurt me a little so i can only imagine what you must have felt at the time. don't rush into dumping him if you really love him but i would look at doing something to give a little wake up call so he cops onto himself and realizes that if his behavior carries on like this that you wont stand for it. it sounds as if he's at a point were he thinks he can say anything and because you love him so much you wont do anything about it. stand up for yourself girl. you will be surprised at the results if you do.

Lollipops23

I really feel sorry for you, I do.

And saying that you don't think you'd be strong enough without him- well if you stick with him you won't be strong enough for anything because he's just going to whittle down what little confidence you still have. He sounds like an immature moron TBH!You deserve so much better than this treatment. Start standing up for yourself- the next time he is only "messing" tell him he has ****-all sense of humour and that's a really unattractive trait!

ancient faith

I respect myself azezil, I just am not as confident as I used to be. it's not a loss of self respect just a bit of growing up I suppose, we cant be cocky teens all our lives although I know what you mean. He should respect me more and me shouting at him "why don't you respect me" (or similar) is not going to make that happen!

Wibbs, we recently took a break, lasted all of a week (it was him who made contact not me) and things have been better. Maybe I'm the one wondering if there's more out there, but really it's him I want. With the male mate thing, he actually hung up once saying "see ya mate" then rang back a few mins later saying "sorry, force of habit when talking to the lads"

I know what you are saying about getting a life outside him but we're part of each other's life. It's difficult to seperate that. As with any long term relationship. Although I have bought a car for a bit of independance.

ancient faith

OOOOOOhhhhh I'm sitting in work sobbing like a fool haha, thank god I have the office to myself at the moment!! I do need to look at the situation but it's so hard. He wont want to talk about it, he will tell me I'm over reacting "as you always do".

I think if I was someone else reading this I'd say, "she's such a gob****e! she needs to cop on" but it's not that easy. Especially since we go through phases of great, not so great, everytime I feel like this I put it down to a phase and worry I'll regret it if I do anything about it.

I know if he read this he'd say "well if thats how you feel, I'm obviously not treating you the way you think you deserve so we'll leave it"

biko

azezil wrote: »

As you say yourself, you've low self confidence so he feels like he'll never loose you because you don't have the courage to leave him, so why should he bother to respect you, when you don't respect yourself?

Sin é. He can walk all over you because you let him. That talk about proposing only to laugh at you just shows how mean this guy can get.
You should talk to him about maybe selling the house and splitting up - maybe that'll get his attention. Remember, you may need to bite too, not just bark.

Also, you really need to get your own friends. It's not sound to depend on your partners friends only.

dudara

ancient faith wrote: »

OOOOOOhhhhh I'm sitting in work sobbing like a fool haha, thank god I have the office to myself at the moment!!

Been there and done that. Crying is a good thing to do. It helps get the nasty feelings out.

ancient faith wrote: »

I think if I was someone else reading this I'd say, "she's such a gob****e! she needs to cop on" but it's not that easy.

No, it's not that easy. Everyone's relationship is different and works in a different fashion. Just take the time to weigh your relationship up and look at it objectively.

LegacyUser

What exactly is he better than you at? Was he mean and malicious when he said this? Because I think I'm better than most people. Hell, if I don't think I am brilliant who else will? There's nothing wrong with having a high opinion of oneself although if he's malicious and doesn't think highly of you at all then I'd say you have a problem.
As for getting engaged, talk to him about it. You've been together for seven years but you aren't mind readers!

Beruthiel

ancient faith wrote: »

He replied "well i'm better than you" from there it got a bit serious as I questioned him on it and it turns out that yes, he thinks he's better than me.

I could never be with someone who didn't think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
Seriously, how can you be with someone and consider yourself better than them?
You cannot respect someone who you consider beneath you and if I thought my partner actually believed that about me he'd be dumped for not having a clue.
He makes you sound like you are some sort of charity case and you're lucky to have him.

Now you maybe with him a long time and you have a house together.
These kind of things should not come into consideration when you take a cold hard look at what kind of relationship you have with this man.
You are only 24 and have all the time in the world to start over again if that's what you decide to do.
I started all over again in my 30's and it was the best decision I ever made.

l3LoWnA

ancient faith wrote: »

I respect myself azezil, I just am not as confident as I used to be. it's not a loss of self respect just a bit of growing up I suppose, we cant be cocky teens all our lives

No, most people become confident, self assured and self-respecting adults!! I'm sorry OP, but it's obvoius that THIS relationship or this man (however much you may love him) has torn away what self-respect and confidence you had!!! It's so so sad to hear your story. I'm afraid your bf sounds like an emotional bully and it's a very hard situation to get out of.

although I know what you mean. He should respect me more and me shouting at him "why don't you respect me" (or similar) is not going to make that happen!

I think the only way he'll learn to respect you is if he see's you walking away from him. He obviously feels as you do, that you can't possibly live without him or leave him.

My friend is in a very similar situation as yourself. She's with her boyfriend since 2001 (when she was 18 or 19), living together since early 2002, have a house together now etc. He treats her like rubbish (in the things that he says to her etc....) and her confidence has been knocked to nearly nothing since she met him. She loves him and has not left him (although she talks about it alot) as he is what she's used to and she prbably hasn't got the confidence to leave him.

My friend has found this website recently:-

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse/62436

......it mad her realise that yes, he is a bully and she's trying to tackle the relationship weaponed with all this information. I don't know why he does this to her, but he is very similar to his father in lots of ways, so maybe his personality and behaviours have been passed on...how is your boyfriends parents relationship? Are they both alive even? I don't think my friends boyfriend will change, and I hope she finds the strength to leave him before it's too late.

You're boyfriend may not be a bully, but withholding affection and insulting you/laughing at you are nasty nasty behaviours and you really need to tell yourself that you are worth so much more and deserve so much more.

My heart goes out to you, you're in a very difficult situation. But seriously, OP, would you like to bring children into the world with this man and have him insult you on front of the little people who look up to you and worship you and who mean everything to you....because he will, down the road....just a thought.

If you cannot regain your confidence in order to stand up to his bullying and work on the relationship, well then you may just have to leave him, in order to rebuild yourself, and your confidence and self-esteem.

Finally, you are still very very young. Do not feel you should be getting married because people around you are getting hitched. They may be married now, but who knows if those marriages will even still be intact in ten/twenty years. Make sure you are 100% sure and 100% happy in a relationship before even comtemplating marriage or children

LegacyUser

hi OP,

I used to be like your boyfriend in my 1st serious relationship. We got together at age 17 but ended up breaking up at age 22. The 1st couple of years were great, then we both started getting into the "comfort zone" and I lost all respect for her. I knew she depended on me, and knew she wouldn't dare leave me because I controlled her. We were even engaged (Big mistake) and planning to settle down, buy house etc. But there was no love any more, the situation was more like a close friendship. I (like your boyfriend) used to show what I thought was love by doing things like collecting her, fixing her parents roof, etc - you know practical things - looking back though I know I was doing those things to convince myself I still loved her. We weren't happy though.

Then one day, as if out of nowhere she dumped me. I was in shock and actually took it much much worse than her. Now she's a much more independent person and it changed the way I look at relationships forever. In hindsight, breaking up was the best thing for both of us, and I have a LOT of respect for her now for doing it. I've been with a new girl for about a year now, and love her very much and would never take her for granted. I look at relationships in a different light now, and am a better person because of it.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with your situation. If you decide to break up, it will be difficult in the short term but (in my opinion) in the grand scheme of things it would be the correct decision. You survived the first 17 years of your life without him, you can do it again.

ancient faith

Thanks l3LoWnA, you're right in saying that just because others are doing it but I think thats just making me question whats normal you know? I dont want to run off and get married next month or anything but to know it's on the horizon would be nice. And calling him my b/f after 7 years together just cheapens it I think. You know what I mean. What he does is definately not abuse, seriously, I would not stand for name calling, hitting etc, nor would he do it ever. But he does undermine things I'm excited and happy about, then again I have a friend who does that too.

As for the children thing, I dont think I ever want them, I've had more than my share of hardship (as have my family) over the course of a few years and I don't want to bring a child into the world to have to go through that. But I'm still young and my maternal instincts probably havent kicked in yet. In saying that though, he would be a fantastic father.

atwork - interesting you say that because thats what he said (about if he doesn't think it, who will) but the fact is I dont know how solid a relationship can be when one person thinks they're better. I thought it should be equal. By all means have a high opinion of yourself. That doesn't mean you have to have a low one of your partner. He wasn't being malicious by any means, but that kind of makes it worse I think. He wasn't saying in the heat of a row. More like it was a give-in as if he was thinking "well duh, of course I am"

Libertine07

OP, I know you say what he's doing is not abuse, but in a way it is. He's hurting you, not physically but certainly emotionally. He told you that he looks down on you. He told you that he wouldn't care if you broke up, how can you excuse this? And what he said regarding the wedding plans was cruel. So although he doesn't hit your or directly call you names, he is manipulative and he seems to enjoy making you feel bad. He doesn't value you.

I know its hard to imagine breaking up. You do settle into a relationship and it seems easier to carry on, even when there are problems, rather than take the bold move to leave and face things on your own. But its the only way to be happy in the long term. I believe you can't be happy in a relationship if you're dependent on it, you need to be your own person first and foremost.

You deserve so much better. Believe that and keep telling yourself that. Even if you don't break up with your boyfriend, at least stand up to him and let him know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable. Don't be afraid to tell him what you need, even if it does spell the end of the relationship.

Good luck OP and I hope you make the right decision

Jack B. Badd

Libertine07 wrote: »

OP, I know you say what he's doing is not abuse, but in a way it is. He's hurting you, not physically but certainly emotionally. He told you that he looks down on you. He told you that he wouldn't care if you broke up, how can you excuse this? And what he said regarding the wedding plans was cruel. So although he doesn't hit your or directly call you names, he is manipulative and he seems to enjoy making you feel bad. He doesn't value you.

Why should he?
The guy's sounds like a git who won't respect someone without being forced to do so and she won't force him. He's emotionally abusing her and (to use a Doctor Phil phrase) she's enabling him to do so.

ancient faith wrote:

he does NOTHING unless pushed

This appears to include having some respect for his girlfriend (which is a hell of a lot more important than agreeing to get married to her!)

ancient faith wrote:

I know you're probably right about "getting rid" but we have a house and our lives have been part of each other since we were 17-18. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do that. When I met him I had moved to a new place so really my friends are his friends and their girlfriends so I would really be TOTALLY alone. Also I love him, I really do.

I honestly doubt that you do love him. It is much more likely that you need him. You are emotionally dependent on him. This is NOT the same thing as love.

OP, your happiness is surely worth more than a house and a few meagre scraps of what presumably is meant to pass as respect from this guy. You don't have to leave him but if you're intent on staying with him then the best course of action would be to lay down some ground rules about respect and how you expect to be treated. Of course if you do he may be the one to walk away from you but, lets face it, if you lying back, keeping your trap shut and letting him walk all over you made you happy you wouldn't be posting here, would you?

Deadevil129

OP, don't go around thinking because you have given this guy seven years of your life you have to give him the rest of it as well.

I was very muhc like yourself, I met my first boyfriend when I was fifteen and it lasted just over a year. He was very much like your own boyfriend, thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, occasionally used me for an ego boost, lead me on, withheld affection. Probably because I was so young and didn't know anything else I fed myself the line "oh but I love him" too many times. As Sunday morning talk showish as this sounds, it's easy to love someone else, but much harder to love yourself.

The best thing my first boyfriend ever did for me was leave me. If I ever see him again it's something I muct thank him for, because if he didn't, I'd still be clinging on today, I wouldn't have had the confidence to leave him. You're self confidence hasn't gotten lower because you're getting older, (you're 24 for crying out loud!) it's because you're boyfriend's slowling rubbing away at it.

Like yourself I've been with my current boyfriend since I was seventeen, however because i've seen what a bad relationship looks like, I'm damn confident that I'm in a bloody good one now. Not only that, I'm far more confident in myself. I'm confident enough to say that as happy as I am, if after seven years with my current he wasn't happy to consider marriage, I'd be running out the door. It's dangerous to rely on someone else for your own confidence and self-worth, especially when they don't seem too keen on nurturing it.

Despite what the romantics say, long term relationships and marriage need a hell of a lot more than "love" to keep going. It's not the be all and end all of everything, but it's up to you to decide what else you need. If you decide that respect and encouragement are things you can live without than by all means I wish yourself and your boyfriend the very best of the future. If they're things you want, then you deserve them and should have no problem finding someone who'll be able to give them.

So in short I'm not going to tell you to run for the hills and leave it at that, though it would be what i'd advise. You just need to take one long hard look at yourself and what you want, and decide is your boyfriend really the one who can give it to you.