Could you ever forgive cheating?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend has finished with me cos he found out I'd been cheating on him. I wasn't sleeping with this other guy but we did kiss a few times, and we were spending a lot of time together in work, chatting n stuff, while I was having problems with my boyfriend. So I suppose you could say I was really emotionally cheating on my bf, rather than just physically.

I feel absolutely and utterly disgusted by myself and ashamed. I can't believe I hurt him like this, I was just so caught up in my own little world and feeling sorry for myself about a number of things and this guy in work just kinda made me feel better. I'm not trying to make any excuses, I know I was 100% totally in the wrong.

Now I'm begging my boyfriend to give me a second chance and to forgive me. I know it'll take a huge amount of work to rebuild the trust but I'm desperate.

Another thing is tho, I feel he should give me another chance because I forgave him cheating at the start of our relationship (3 years ago). I know it was a different phase in our relationship and different circumstances, but it still hurt like hell and I still forgave him.

So I'm wondering, could you forgive a girl/boyfriend for getting too close to a work colleague and kissing? I love my boyfriend so much and am so, so sorry, I just don't know if this is now a lost cause.

Kipperhell

Don't even try to compare his cheating with your cheating after 3 years. If you truly think they are even close you are really not ready to be forgiven. Any mention of it will cause him to go absolutely crazy.
If you are still going to have contact with the other person regularly the situation is worse. Cheating on an emotional level is also pretty big.

I don't know what he did but a work colleague more than once is more than just huge. I wouldn't suggest begging but admit complete fault without any attempts to justify the situation is really the only course of action. Then you stay in the dog house pretty indefinitely. I would suggest changing jobs too if you really want to do it.

The real point is how much do you really want to stay together and or willing to risk just for the chance of staying together.

We all make mistakes just remember to learn from them.

supertramp

Are you ashamed of hurting your boyfriend or actually the cheating bit?

Judging from your post you only seem upset at hurting your boyfriend, which every cheater does feel. But you haven't really shown any regret at kissing the other guy.

I could forgive cheating, but I think you could cheat again......

PeakOutput

i couldnt forgive my ex and i dont think i could ever forgive anyone else

LegacyUser

supertramp - i completely and utterly regret kissing the guy, even more than that, I completely regret behaving in the way which allowed me to get so close as to end up kissing another guy. My behaviour and attitude was way, way off, and I see it now in a way i didn't then. I have learnt a lot about myself in the last few weeks and will never, ever do this again - like i say i feel sick when i think about being a cheat.

kipperhell - you're right, I shouldn't be comparing the two situations, it was just kinda hard not to, but i know what you mean absolutely. I'll put that thought out of my head entirely.

thanks for the advice.

MIN2511

Ah lads lighten up...
People cheat on each other every day in life; it's how we deal with it that matters.
Personally, I don’t think it’s the cheating that caused your break up I think it's the fact that at the time your relationship wasn't working out and rather than persevering you found someone else to fill the gap. What makes you think if he takes you back you won’t do it again next year.
OP your relationship is as good as over, apologise and move on

Piste

I could forgive it, but I'd let my OH know exactly how I felt and leae then in no uncertain terms that i'd only let it slide once.


Though knowing me I'd let him away with it more than once cos I wouldn't want to lose him

LegacyUser

its not something thats easy to forgive. i took my bf back recently after he cheated on me & i still dont know if its the right decision. when we're together things are brilliant but trying to build the trust back up is seeming like an impossible task. i thought i was nearly there then 1 night he went out & i didnt hear from him after about 12 & had myself convinced hed done it again. once it was in my head i couldnt get it out. while i believe him when he tells me he loves me & he wouldnt do it again, theres a small part of me that says "you didnt think he would before & he did so why not again".

sorry i could start a whole new thread on my current situation. im just trying to give you the other side of the story. its all very well to say ok it was a big mistake, but it does so much more than cause hurt, it can damage relationships to a point where theyll never be the same. sometimes i think we have it back, but anytime anything isnt 100% right it comes back into my mind.

i wouldnt have considered taking him back if it was a situation like yours: multiple times, over a length of time, more than just physical. a drunken kiss is 1 thing, but what you did i could never forgive, its almost like carrying on a whole new relationship.

maybe ive gone too much into my own issues here, i just wanted to make a point that even if he takes you back you might have destroyed everything already anyway.

dirtydress

You have to think about why you sought comfort with someone else? Like MIN2511 said...its not the cheating that caused your break up...it was what led you to cheat. You can apologise to him but maybe take some time yourself to think about how you feel about the relationship? Do you really want it back? Can you honestly say you'll always be faithful if you did get back together?

Thankfully i've never been in this situation but I would like to think I couldnt forgive cheating under any circumstances but considering the relationships ive had...like Piste, i think i probably would just to try and keep the relationship and that's really not a right reason to forgive something like that.

I really hope you take some time to think...as im sure your ex will. Good luck.

Electric

Honestly I wouldn't be able to forgive. I know that that's not the answer you want to hear. But I'm a very black and white kinda person. Either I can trust someone or I can't.

That said I've never been in that situation and like Piste says I probably wouldn't want to lose the relationship.

Hope you can work things out!

Rb

Would never, ever forgive someone for cheating on me.

OP, your attitude is so wrong that you really do not deserve the guy.

*Angel*

In my opinion you don't deserve a second chance, you say you are sorry and regret it but the thing is it didn't happen just once it was a 'few' times, you're just sorry you got caught.

The Sweeper

OP be very careful of the people here ranting about how wrong you are.

It's certainly not right and kosher and cricket to cheat on your partner, but at the same time you should never go back to a relationship that wasn't right in the first place, just because you feel like you owe it to your other half to make it up to them.

girlwitcurls

i think you should move on .its so hard i know but you should do it.
i took my ex back after he cheated and it was never the same i never could trust him again and always felt i had it in the back of my head. you did it because clearly you werent happy with your ex. leave him go cause holding on will only hurt him more .

axer

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

we did kiss a few times

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

So I suppose you could say I was really emotionally cheating on my bf, rather than just physically.

So you were emotionally and physically cheating on your boyfriend.

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

I feel absolutely and utterly disgusted by myself and ashamed.

and so you should be.

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

Now I'm begging my boyfriend to give me a second chance and to forgive me. I know it'll take a huge amount of work to rebuild the trust but I'm desperate.

HE must decide whether HE can trust you again. Its out of your hands.

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

So I'm wondering, could you forgive a girl/boyfriend for getting too close to a work colleague and kissing?

Nope. Trust must be earned and once shattered is next to impossible to regain. Do yourself and your ex-boyfriend a favour and move on. If the relationship was right then you would not have cheated.

Wreck

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

.

So I'm wondering, could you forgive a girl/boyfriend for getting too close to a work colleague and kissing?

Of course. Whether he can forgive you in this instance is a different story.

kowloon

No second chances rule FTW.
Once couple status is official 1 strike and you're out.

Agent J

kowloon wrote: »

No second chances rule FTW.
Once couple status is official 1 strike and you're out.

Used to operate that rule myself but have since changed it and was glad i did.

Everyone makes mistakes. One time can be forgiven.

2Strikes and you are out imho.

Rb

Agent J wrote: »

Used to operate that rule myself but have since changed it and was glad i did.

Everyone makes mistakes. One time can be forgiven.

2Strikes and you are out imho.

Seriously?

This wasn't even a quick kiss on a drunken night out, this was a repeated action which she had complete control over. She chose to do this to the guy. She knew what damage it could cause to the relationship and the possible consequences, and she accepted that even before their lips touched.

There is no way in hell I'd ever forgive that. That's completely and utterly destroying the trust in the relationship, I would never, ever trust her again after that. Without trust there is no relationship.

Having such a rule actually just makes you a complete "doormat" tbh.

Agent J

I wasnt commenting on this particular situation by the op when i said that.

I was commenting on someone having the exact same rule as i used to use and saying that personal experience lead me to change it.

Please note i said "can" be not should be forgiven.

Every situation is different and a one size fits all approach isnt the best idea imho.

//

Also if the OP has applied the same logic put forward then the relationship would have ended 3 years ago.

oleras

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

My boyfriend has finished with me cos he found out I'd been cheating on him. I wasn't sleeping with this other guy but we did kiss a few times, and we were spending a lot of time together in work, chatting n stuff, while I was having problems with my boyfriend. So I suppose you could say I was really emotionally cheating on my bf, rather than just physically.

I feel absolutely and utterly disgusted by myself and ashamed. I can't believe I hurt him like this, I was just so caught up in my own little world and feeling sorry for myself about a number of things and this guy in work just kinda made me feel better. I'm not trying to make any excuses, I know I was 100% totally in the wrong.

Now I'm begging my boyfriend to give me a second chance and to forgive me. I know it'll take a huge amount of work to rebuild the trust but I'm desperate.

Another thing is tho, I feel he should give me another chance because I forgave him cheating at the start of our relationship (3 years ago). I know it was a different phase in our relationship and different circumstances, but it still hurt like hell and I still forgave him.

So I'm wondering, could you forgive a girl/boyfriend for getting too close to a work colleague and kissing? I love my boyfriend so much and am so, so sorry, I just don't know if this is now a lost cause.

You got caught, take it on the chin, he may or may not take you back, if he does, it will take a while for him to trust you again.

Also OP, when you are reading some of the replys here, try to look beyond what is written, more how its written, ever notice once someone really really takes the high moral ground, it seems they have something to hide

Placebo

Stupid&Sorry wrote: »

So I suppose you could say I was really emotionally cheating on my bf, rather than just physically.

whatever helps you sleep at night. One night stands = forgiving = maybe,

constant betrayal, on going basis ? = your flights boarding now.

AlanSparrowhawk

You need to remember only one relationship lasts for ever and maybe that wasn't the one you were just in. People meet, go out, break up. That's what happens the majority of times. You need to sit back and take stock of the situation. Are you missing your BF or are you missing having a BF? Perhaps the relationship has run it's course and you cheating and feeling the need to cheat are signs. Of course, I could be wrong.

If your BF has no intentions of getting back together with you there is nothing you can do or say. It depends on the person. Some guys will never take a girl back if she did what you did (kiss and comfort another guy), some guys will draw the line at sex, some will give a second (or third or forth) chance.

I've never been cheated on. I think in theory I could forgive cheating but I wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that my hypothetical GF needed to cheat. I've I really loved someone I'd give them a second chance, if they really loved me they would never need a second chance.

Do you really want to go back to your ex-BF for the right reasons?

CathyMoran

I have forgiven someone and it worked out in the end but not before we had councelling and almost broke up again. Fix your relationship as there was obviously something wrong for you to cheat (I know, I treated my then bf terribly). Hope that it works out for you.

Wibbs

Depends on the strength of the relationship. Could I forgive it? Maybe. One night stand easier than on going emotional cheating. There is more of a connection in the latter. It would depend when in the relationship it happened too. If it was very early on before the relationship really got started it would be easier. It would also be easier if it was years later and the relationship had gotten emotionally stale. If there was that long term bond that meant we could talk it through kinda thing. I would be asking all sorts of questions of both myself and her though.

BobTheBeat

Wibbs wrote: »

Depends on the strength of the relationship. Could I forgive it? Maybe. One night stand easier than on going emotional cheating. There is more of a connection in the latter. It would depend when in the relationship it happened too. If it was very early on before the relationship really got started it would be easier. It would also be easier if it was years later and the relationship had gotten emotionally stale. If there was that long term bond that meant we could talk it through kinda thing. I would be asking all sorts of questions of both myself and her though.

+1. Wibbs hit it on the head there. Many different considerations to be taken into account here, but an answer is as unique as each relationship.

If it was a one kiss thing, perhaps it would be alot easier for your bf,... but since it was over an extended period of time I would guess that it will be a helluva lot more difficult. It is in part and always will be a loyalty thing for the affected partners. Once broken, its never viewed as strong again.

dudara

Whatever you do, don't start beating him over the head with his previous cheating experience. That will just cause resentment.

When you forgave that cheating all those years ago, you should also have put it out of your head. That's what forgiving and forgetting is all about. The fact that you're bringing it up again seems a little immature.

Lil' Smiler

In my opinion, no you cannot forgive cheating.

I "forgave" my ex 3 times and each time he cheated on me he did it worse than before. But that's just in my experience..


I'd say the OP's bf would have problems with you working together if you were to sort things out.

craichoe

You had your cake and you ate it too.

You knew exactly what you were doing

He doesn't 'owe' you anything.

You might get to talk to him in a year or so i'd say

JCDUB

Agent J wrote: »

Also if the OP has applied the same logic put forward then the relationship would have ended 3 years ago.

Exactly, and they wouldn't have wasted three years of each other's time.
Result.

To the OP, you made your bed...

little miss

I'm totally appalled by your post, sorry. Why do you want to be in this relationship? You obviously didn't to do what you did. If you love someone, then you don't cheat. Simple as. Three years is a long time together but its not long enough to get bored with one another, and seek comfort elsewhere. Are you just scared of being single now? Is that why you want to hang on to things? Ask yourself why you want him back and if there is a chance you might do the same again. If you don't think he's absolutely the one for you, or there's a risk that you'd do the same again, then walk away. Its better for both of you in the long run.

I'm not sure you can ever truly forgive cheating. Depends on individual cases, but something special is lost when it happens, especially in a long term relationship. If there has always been trust in your relationship and that disappears, then I'm not sure you can ever get it back. The one who cheated has to be willing to work so hard to prove themselves and constantly reassure the other person. And that's tough. Most people can't be bothered and therefore if they're given a second chance, things don't usually work out and things just turn bitter and nasty. It just drags out an inevitable break up, and makes the pain last even longer. someone's love for you. Its much better to not be in a relationship in the first

Cheating is such a hurtful and selfish thing to do, and a total betrayal of place if you can't stay faithful, rather than play with someone's heart. Sorry, but it makes me so angry to read something like this.

slowharry

how did he find out?

did you tell him or did someone else?

if you told him you might have a chance (at least you were honest in the end) otherwise let him live his life

moco

Personally I could never stay with someone who cheated on me. It's happened with 2 different men and I finished it straight away. I'm just not the sort of person who could let it go, I'd never trust them again.

ex_infantry man

you done one of the most hurtful things you could do to a person and as they say whats goes around comes around!!!!! and if it ever happened to me it would,nt be the fella i,d box in the jaw it would be the woman for hurting me!!

MagicMarker

ex_infantry man wrote: »

you done one of the most hurtful things you could do to a person and as they say whats goes around comes around!!!!! and if it ever happened to me it would,nt be the fella i,d box in the jaw it would be the woman for hurting me!!

Go you!:rolleyes:

Nevyn

ex_infantry man banned for a month for Advocating violence.