Home alone

LegacyUser

I need a bit of advice or perspective or something. My relationship with my boyfriend is a breaking point. Am sitting here at work worried off my brain and he wont reply to me.

We have been going out 2 years. We have been living together for 1. Basically I hate Sundays. I hate Sundays because it means that I have to spend most of the day alone because my BF goes off to play his sport, be it home or away, and then spend the rest of the day/night in the pub. This happens most Sundays.

Last night we compromised that he be home by 9. He was late and I lost the plot and now it seems that Im the bad person and he wont talk to me. When he got home a row ensued. Granted he wasn’t badly late, but I just got so nervous that words shot out of my mouth. The reason I am nervous is that a few times he has not bothered coming home till all hours. I don’t know that many people in the area. I have made efforts to get to know people (everyone seems to be always busy or have no interest in making new friends), and try to keep myself busy, but its hard when you’re on your own all day and most the night and your partner is in the pub. I guess I feel a bit resentful.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to become one of these people who “tells” their partner what time to come home. Are there other people like this out there? Has anyone ever had the same problem? I am fearful that this has caused the end of us. He basically said that he is seriously thinking of ending the relationship. I don’t know what to do. We seem to have the same argument over and over.

seamus

Any particular reason why you don't join him in the pub? I understand that some people mightn't enjoy it, just want to see if that's it.

Is there nothing else that you enjoy doing? If you otherwise spend the rest of the week together, then maybe take Sunday as your day by yourself doing the thing you enjoy doing - go shopping, go visit your old friends 50 miles aways, etc.

How come he can go out till all hours on a Sunday? Does he work shift or just not drink that much? If it's the latter, then you may have fun if you join him.

strawberrybox

hi, ok i think you need to relax its only one day a week he plays football or whatever and then has a piss up with the lads where is the harm in that?? why cant you do something yourlsef on a sunday like meet your girlfriends and go shopping or the cinema or a meal or something, if you start issuing ultimatims like be home at ... you are asking for trouble and he will start to see you as someone who just nags him and is holding him back he had said himself he is thinking about ending the relationship he wants someone independant and to be able to go for a pint without worrying about what you will say when he gets home you are like his mam- or would it be possible for you to go meet up with him in the pub at some point in the evening??

K_P

So you're bored on your own on Sundays. Fair enough. But your boyfriend is entitled to play sports, meet his friends, etc. It's not an unreasonable demand. He agreed to compromise and be home by 9 and you went off on one because he was home a bit late. I'm sorry, but that's over the top on your part.

However, I don't think we're getting the full story here. Are there other frustrations in your relationship? Aspects of your life that you're unhappy with? And that you're somehow focusing your unhappiness into this one issue?

How Strange

OP, why are you sitting in all day waiting for him? Why can't you see Sundays as your day to do things for yourself - go shopping, meet friends, visit family etc?

I think that a pattern has established in your relationship whereby your bf sees Sunday as his day to play football and have a few pints afterwards. You clearly aren't happy with this but you have allowed it to go on for two years.

I would say that it is not good to be so dependent on someone that you see being on your own one day a week as intolerable and being the reason why you break up.

You need to look at yourself and ask why is this such a big deal? You say you don't want to become one of those people who tells their partner what to do but thats what is happening.

I would say independence is a very attractive quality in a woman (and speaking as a woman) and neediness and being clingy is the exact opposite. Start doing things for yourself, plan your Sundays so you are out doing things you enjoy and then it won't seem so terrible that your bf does the same. You are only together two years so to him it may seem scary that you are going crazy when he comes home a little late from the pub or wants to play football and have a few drinks on a Sunday evening.

padser

OP I often take the view when threads are started on PI that the OP is generally blaming their partner for something and that fault normally lies with both parties - but this time I just can't see any way that this is not basically your own problem.

You BF takes 1 day a week to go with his mates and play sport and then go to the pub. He sometimes doens't come home till 'all hours'.

I really, really - don't see a problem with this.

If you decided on Saturday to go shopping with your friends, and then go for a girls night out how would you feel if he had a problem with this??? I doubt it would go down well.

To be honest you remind me of a spoilt child who doesn't like it when they get left by themselves to play. They want constant attention from people and begin crying if left by themselves. To be honest it's pretty annoying even in a child.

I can understand why your BF is not talking to you.

My advice is to send him an e mail or text apologising for attempting to limit his one day a week with his friends and his sport.

Blisterman

I agree. Make Sunday your day too. Meet up with some friends. or failing that, try taking up an activity yourself, where you can socialise and meet people.

tbh

Hi OP,

I think I can see what your problem is. I'd guess that the reason you have a problem with it is because you see your relationship as "us", and he sees it as "her and me". What I mean by that is that you see the weekend as YOUR time together, and he sees it as his time - he spends one day with you and one day on his own. Of course, he sees that as totally reasonable, but what's happened is that you've turned the Sunday thing into a symbol of a relationship problem that exists on a deeper level - you maybe think that ye should be closer that ye are, and that he should WANT to spend Sunday with you. I'll stop now in case i'm talking sh1ite but if that makes sense, I'll continue

How Strange

tbh... Hi OP, I think I can see what your problem is. I'd guess that the reason you have a problem with it is because you see your relationship as "us", and he sees it as "her and me". What I mean by that is that you see the weekend as YOUR time together, and he sees it as his time - he spends one day with you and one day on his own.

tbh, I agree with you. But the problem seems to be that this pattern has emerged over the last two years and the OP may not have liked it from the beginning and now it has gotten to the stage that she becomes hysterical if he arrives home a little later than planned.

This requires a sit down by both of them and a discussion. The way I see it the OP wants to change the routine and the bf doesn't seem too happy about it.

It will require compromise even on the OP's part. If the bf likes playing football on a Sunday then I can't see him agreeing not to go on alternate weeks.

I'd say the OP either meets him down in the pub for a drink on a Sunday and then suggests they go for dinner or something after or she treats Sunday as her day to do her stuff.

The main problems are - firstly, she wants to change a pattern in their relationship and secondly, she doesn't seem to have a social life of her own.

tbh

well, my point was really that it's not the going out that's the problem, it's that she see's the boyfriend having a "private" life as an indication that he's not as committed to the relationship as she is. IMO, she feels vunerable that she's committing to it more than he is, she's scared it would take less for him to end it than her, and she manifests that by freaking out with him when he comes home late.

What she's saying is "Why can't you see that I'm feeling vunerable about the state of the relationship, and i want you to reassure me" but what he hears is "I don't like you going out with your mates".

but what the hell do I know, i don't even know the girl

easyontheeye

heelp wrote: »

I need a bit of advice or perspective or something. My relationship with my boyfriend is a breaking point. Am sitting here at work worried off my brain and he wont reply to me.

We have been going out 2 years. We have been living together for 1. Basically I hate Sundays. I hate Sundays because it means that I have to spend most of the day alone because my BF goes off to play his sport, be it home or away, and then spend the rest of the day/night in the pub. This happens most Sundays.

Last night we compromised that he be home by 9. He was late and I lost the plot and now it seems that Im the bad person and he wont talk to me. When he got home a row ensued. Granted he wasn’t badly late, but I just got so nervous that words shot out of my mouth. The reason I am nervous is that a few times he has not bothered coming home till all hours. I don’t know that many people in the area. I have made efforts to get to know people (everyone seems to be always busy or have no interest in making new friends), and try to keep myself busy, but its hard when you’re on your own all day and most the night and your partner is in the pub. I guess I feel a bit resentful.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to become one of these people who “tells” their partner what time to come home. Are there other people like this out there? Has anyone ever had the same problem? I am fearful that this has caused the end of us. He basically said that he is seriously thinking of ending the relationship. I don’t know what to do. We seem to have the same argument over and over.

I think you seriously need to get a life and some hobbies. the bf is certainly entitled to have his day and night to himself. Seriously it sounds (going by the information you provided) that your main hobby in life is your boyfreind.

On the other hand if we are not getting the full picture im sorry for being harsh. But really if your only problem is the fact that he has a day to himself for his hobby well you just have to lump it.

Keep this up and you most likely will drive him away, i know i certainly could not put up with it, you would see the door left swinging while i wave good bye.

LegacyUser

I think maybe her freaking out when hes home late isnt as unreasonable as your saying it is. If youve been waiting all day for someone to come home, at about 9 and the they come home at 10.. theres an hour there thats crawled by and the whole time youve been worrying and going oh god what couldve happened, you have all these horrible accidents running through your head, so when they come in your so relieved but your angry that they made you worry like that.

The feelings of relief and worry and anger all at the same time is confusing so then you end up saying things that arnt ment, I think maybe this may be the problem.

If it is the case you should try having a girlfriend stay the night on a Sunday so your distracted most the night. This will mean you dont get like this when he come back. Im not sure if thats making sense but there ya go.

Faith

OP, you sound incredibly clingy and needy. Maybe I'm reading your post wrong, but you can't even cope with being without your boyfriend for a few hours ONE day a week? I'd go insane if I saw the same person 24/7. You have to have time to yourself. Do you have any other friends apart from your boyfriend? It's pretty sad if you don't. Surely, even if your neighbours don't want to be friends, you know people from before you met your boyfriend? Can't you do something by yourself? By your post, I get the sense that you're agoraphobic or something, in which case you need more help than we can give you.

To be brutally honest, if I was your boyfriend, I'd be having serious doubts about being in a relationship where I didn't have the freedom to see my friends and come home whenever suits. You're both adults, he can stay out until whatever time he likes. You're not his mother and have no right to impose rules on his behaviour like that.

LegacyUser

I do understand where you're coming from. I came back to Ireland after being away for 5 years and it is incredibly difficult to make new friends over here. It has got really clickish. On the other side of things you could spend the day pampered yourself and taking a nice long bath, doing your nails etc. Personally I can't stand the pub and can't stand men who drink either but that comes from bad past experience. He sounds to me like he will be doing this forever. Typical same routine every week kind of thing. There's a lot of people like that in this country so you have two choices really. Fit in and do somethings for yourself or cut your losses. I could be being narrowminded in this respect because of anxiety around the whole pub thing etc and sorry if I am. I just find that hard to deal with that many have the pub as their only social outlet here, instead of going to the movies, making a nice meal at home for the lads with a bunch of dvds, bowling or something. Anyway if you're going to accept then you will have to do just that and leave him get on with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments but Faith, your comments didn’t help at all. You don’t know me, so you cannot self “diagnose” me with agrophobia. I don’t think this is even allowed on these boards. If I was even a little sensitive to your comments, you would have had me crying.

No, Im not agrophobic at all. I have a normal 9-5 job and yes, I do have friends. Granted, like Ive read in a lot of posts here (and its comforting to know that in some way other people have the same problem) a lot of my friends are now married etc have babies/are busy with other things etc etc. Its not though lack of effort. So meeting someone every Sunday is not an option for me. Plus I live in an area where I do not know a lot of people. And before anyone says it, I have tried making new friends there but to no avail.

Just one thing on what I said above before I move on. If there is someone new in your area/job etc and they are a little lost/trying to make friends/making an effort to fit into a new area etc, hows about giving them a break and being friendly to them. After all it is the season of good will. It can make a difference. We are not all as blessed as some people who seem to have lots of friends on tap.

But, as TBH said, there is some kind of underlying issue, which TBH you did make some sense of. I am an educated and sensible person. But this situation has gotton a grip on me, as in I cant understand what is going on or make head or tail of it. And the fact that I cant recognise what the problem is or stop is is driving me insane too. I think it does have to do with insecurity, on a deeper level. I don’t mean to be possessive or angry. I have said it on many occasions to my boyfriend that I rely on him too heavily. I sometimes feel insecure on a general level of “no one likes me” kind of thing – and it gets me down. Maybe I am clinging on to my BF so much because he is one of the few people that I am close to these days?

JuliusCaesar

heelp wrote: »

Maybe I am clinging on to my BF so much because he is one of the few people that I am close to these days?

Heelp, you've just shown yourself to be open to the answers you got and you seem quite insightful. In other words, you do know what the problem is, and thus you can figure out the solution. BTW, if I were you, I'd give myself a big *hug* for being able to see something not so nice about myself, accepting it & resolving to fix it.:) Good on ye!

cowzerp

heelp wrote: »

I don’t mean to be possessive or angry. I have said it on many occasions to my boyfriend that I rely on him too heavily. I sometimes feel insecure on a general level of “no one likes me” kind of thing – and it gets me down. Maybe I am clinging on to my BF so much because he is one of the few people that I am close to these days?

Enjoy been single if you keep trying to control your boyfriend, let him have his sunday and he'll appreciate you for it..

dudara

heelp wrote: »

But, as TBH said, there is some kind of underlying issue, which TBH you did make some sense of. I am an educated and sensible person. But this situation has gotton a grip on me, as in I cant understand what is going on or make head or tail of it. And the fact that I cant recognise what the problem is or stop is is driving me insane too. I think it does have to do with insecurity, on a deeper level. I don’t mean to be possessive or angry. I have said it on many occasions to my boyfriend that I rely on him too heavily. I sometimes feel insecure on a general level of “no one likes me” kind of thing – and it gets me down. Maybe I am clinging on to my BF so much because he is one of the few people that I am close to these days?

I think that I understand where you are coming from here. You are focussing on one problem that you can define because other issues are currently undefinable right now.

Take a deep breath and a big step back. Try to figure out what really lies at the root of this. BTW, I don't think that you are clinging onto your boyfriend. There are other issues at play here and this is how they are manifesting themselves.

Your bf probably won't notice that you feel lonely and isolated. You need to tell him. He probably doesn't realise how bad you feel. He's not being insensitive to your needs, he's just uninformed.

ixus

Taking it that it's most likely rugby (possibly soccer) he's playing, I can say I've been in this discussion plenty of times over the last few years. If this is the sole issue, it can be resolved, but it's really up to you to sort it, not your boyfriend. It's your issue.

Do you ever go and watch his matches and cheer him on?
Do you feel you just can't be a part of these match days as it's his day and he doesn't want you going or you can't get on with his mates after the game?

The way I always looked at it was, I'm a certain age, and there's only another 5/6 years I can play and then it stops, you get too old. There's a commitment to this team the guy gives, probably doesn't go out on a Saturday night (and maybe Friday), then after a match he likes to celebrate with his mates. It's what he has probably done since before you were around, right? If he sees you as taking this away from him before he's too old to play he'll hold that against you. I've seen it happen to mates/other people/ and myself.

There are ways to sort this, I'd suggest :
1. Go to games (if it would be appreciated)
2. Join him in the pub later in the evening 7/8 for a couple of hours
3. Arrange to pick him up at 8/9 to go for dinner seeing as you probably stay in on a Saturday.

I understand where you're coming from and I sympathize (even though I'd be on your boyfriends side on this) but, if you make him choose between you and sport it sounds like you will not be the winner.

I hope this helps.

tbh

heelp wrote: »

But this situation has gotton a grip on me, as in I cant understand what is going on or make head or tail of it. And the fact that I cant recognise what the problem is or stop is is driving me insane too. I think it does have to do with insecurity, on a deeper level. I don’t mean to be possessive or angry. I have said it on many occasions to my boyfriend that I rely on him too heavily. I sometimes feel insecure on a general level of “no one likes me” kind of thing – and it gets me down. Maybe I am clinging on to my BF so much because he is one of the few people that I am close to these days?

I think that's the root of the problem. What I reckon (and I'm not an expert of course) is that you are anxious about being left on your own, and you don't really realise that - you are feeling anxiety, you don't really know why, so you square it away by focusing on your boyfriend. Take a bit of time and make the effort to think about why you think you are upset. Why are you in the location you are in now? Did you move to be with your boyfriend, by any chance, or to be close to his job?

Dont be at yourself

Get a hobby.

mayordenis

heelp wrote: »

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to become one of these people who “tells” their partner what time to come home.

well that is what youre doing . . .
i guess you need to compromise would contacting even help say if he's not going to be home to text you and let you know and to know when he will be home?