How do I let him down gently?

LegacyUser

I met a guy at college this year and we got on really well. We're in the same class together and have ended up spending loads of time together since September. When we first met I did think I sort of fancied him and after being really good friends for the two months we finally kissed last month. we've kissed twice since then. However,I soon realised after the kiss that my feelings for him really are just as friends.
So I tried to tell him this but as I did he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone before and how he hates the way he's always just viewed as a 'friend' by most girls. So I didnt want to hurt him and told him I was still in love with my ex boyfirend and so couldnt get into a relationship now, which isnt true.
We're still really good friends but he keeps on hinting about us in the future etc when I get over my ex. I really want to be friends with him still but If I tell him the truth (i.e I dont fancy him in that way) then he'l be crushed and I dont want to hurt him, He means a lot to me.
I really would like to start dating other guys etc but I cant do it while he still thinks we have a future together.I have never remained friends with an ex and really want to be friends with this guy.How do I let him know theres no romantic future for us in a nice way so we can remain friends?

coolmoose

speaking as a guy who has been in this situation...just tell him straight out. nothing worse than excuses, he'll see through them anyway.

seriously, respect him asa friend and be honest with him. i'm still friends with the girl who told me straight out.

AARRRGH

I actually don't think you can remain friends. He sounds like he's holding out for you. Poor guy. Be honest with him and see whether he can handle it or not. Don't leave him with false hope...

Shellie13

honesty all the way here (with a little sugar coating to lessen the blow)

It might be hard for him to remain friends with you immediately...give him space and i'm sure ye'll be ok with each other in time

LegacyUser

I feel like im in a mirror-situation at the moment: so much so, I worried for a second I had stumbled upon an anonymous post by the girl in question (but alas, no, Im very sure its not)

I suppose in my situation - I definitely have strong feelings for her; but I also know that nothing will likely ever come of it

However from my perspective (stressing my perspective) this girl has been very open and honest with me in every way except her feelings about me, which she is reluctant to talk about; so all I can assume its less than good for me. But she is honest, and would rather remain tight-lipped than tell a lie.

I think your first mistake was fabricating the lie about your ex-boyfriend. I think hearing the truth on that one would be incredibly hurtful - but unfortunately the best course of action is to confess that to him. In fact, if you try and let him down too gently it will likely result in him still hanging on to a hope and that will only hurt him more in the long run. I recommend you come out clean and give him the truth in black and white. he'll be pretty beat up for a little while but the alternative is he will stop pining over you for all of two weeks before returning back to the old pattern.

*sigh* I too am viewed by girls as The Friend. Damn the label to hell! When someone can explain what it is that makes us the Friend, do share.

SarahSassy

Shellie13 wrote: »

honesty all the way here (with a little sugar coating to lessen the blow)

It might be hard for him to remain friends with you immediately...give him space and i'm sure ye'll be ok with each other in time

+1

Shellie hit the nail on the head here.

LegacyUser

just outa interest why do friendy fellas never get the girl
i'm best friends with my wife
course i'm a little bit of a bad boy and chanvcer which i reckon helps but our friendship is equall important to the other aspects of our rfealationship

not judjing jus wondering why kissing him allowed yoou to realise he wasn't for you

estar

you are not going to be friends in the short term. he has feelings you dont and it would be torture for him to try and be friends.

tell him the truth. tell him you lied to save his feelings and are sorry.

and the truth shall set you both free.

estar

ThatFriendBoy wrote: »

I feel like im in a mirror-situation at the moment: so much so, I worried for a second I had stumbled upon an anonymous post by the girl in question (but alas, no, Im very sure its not)

I suppose in my situation - I definitely have strong feelings for her; but I also know that nothing will likely ever come of it

However from my perspective (stressing my perspective) this girl has been very open and honest with me in every way except her feelings about me, which she is reluctant to talk about; so all I can assume its less than good for me. But she is honest, and would rather remain tight-lipped than tell a lie.

I think your first mistake was fabricating the lie about your ex-boyfriend. I think hearing the truth on that one would be incredibly hurtful - but unfortunately the best course of action is to confess that to him. In fact, if you try and let him down too gently it will likely result in him still hanging on to a hope and that will only hurt him more in the long run. I recommend you come out clean and give him the truth in black and white. he'll be pretty beat up for a little while but the alternative is he will stop pining over you for all of two weeks before returning back to the old pattern.

*sigh* I too am viewed by girls as The Friend. Damn the label to hell! When someone can explain what it is that makes us the Friend, do share.

life is long. to have friends that last longer than relationships is sometimes a blessing. i have friends now that there was some tension with years ago, that has faded but the friendship hasnt

i also think it has a lot to do with age. when younger girls might go for the
fast and furious love em and leave em type.

in my case, age brought wisdom and a desire to have a friend that is a lover.
as that is what lasts.

so hang in and dont change. you will be very appreciated by the right woman.

Stabshauptmann

in my experience its far easier for somebody to move on the more blunt / definite the the message that the other isnt interested.

As well as telling him the truth try and be aware of what he might construe as signals (not what you would consider flirting; what he might interpret as flirting) and cut that out as well.

Dont use the phrase I still want to be friends. Tell him if/when he can deal with this and he still wants to be friends ofcourse you still will be there.
Not sure I explained that but too well (Im mighty hungover):
Rather than asking him to stay your friend, let him know you're still willing to be his friend if he wants.

Dont ask me why, but Ive seen that little thing make a difference in lots of similar situations; personally I think it all goes back to ladder theory...

Wibbs

Shellie hit the nail on the head. You have to tell him and tell him straight that there's no chance of anything more. Don't beat about the bush, don't whatever you do hint that "in the future" or your feelings may change. Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings as if you don't hurt him now, you'll hurt him far worse and for longer if he thinks there's a chance. Be prepared to lose him as a friend. Being friends may be ok for you, but not for him if he holds a torch for you. That's not friendship.

ThatFriendBoy wrote:

*sigh* I too am viewed by girls as The Friend. Damn the label to hell! When someone can explain what it is that makes us the Friend, do share.

OK I'll bite. All things being equal and let's say that when they meet you first they like the look of you. Then you end up as friends? Basically because from the get go you're acting like a "friend" not a potential lover/partner. You're telling them that you want to be their friend and actually making it difficult for them to see you as anything else. It's not the woman's fault it's yours.

Also putting the woman on a pedestal early on will end in failure. Thinking and showing her that you think she's the only one for you will generally turn her off at the early stages. It's an uncomfortable place for her and will do you no good. It's an unequal start and that's no way to start a relationship. Best case scenario you'll be her ego boost and you can't blame her either. You do all the chasing and she'll lose respect for you in a subtle way and without respect she'll like you but will not be "in love" with you. That's when you get the "let's be friends" speech.

The "friendly" guy when faced with this problem often redoubles his efforts to win her heart. That makes things worse, not better. What you're then telling her is that you're emotionally weak and not happy enough with yourself and think she's the only woman for you. Not good. Think about it from her side. She's just rejected this guy and the guy takes it and stays around. Would you find that attractive in someone?

You're telling her that your feelings don't matter and that you'll hang around waiting for her to change her mind and you'll be prepared to take less than what you want in the vain hope she'll see how great you are. Never gonna happen. Again she'll naturally lose respect for you, as you're acting like you have none for yourself and without respect she's not going to fancy you. Simple as.

This can happen even if the relationship gets going. If down the line you take everything she throws at you because you think she's the "one", then sooner or later she will leave. In fact her behaviour may get much worse than she would normally be, because she's frustrated at your passivity and is playing into that. At that point you'll get the "lost the spark" speech and you're back to friendzone again, while she gets attracted to someone who has respect for themselves and goes of with him.

Again the friendzone type guy tries to win her back. This will drive her even further away as she's rejected you in the biggest way possible, yet you still take it. Observe the thread here with the guy who dumped and walked away from a long term partner who he feels is cheating on him. I guarantee she respects him for that. I also would not be surprised if she runs after him. Not surprised at all.

In order to avoid all of this, you have to at least act like you have respect for yourself. That means looking for what you want, not settling for less. Women want self respect, emotional stability, confidence and fun in a man. By accepting the friendzone all you'll ever be is fun and not a serious contender for her heart. If you get friendzoned, be nice and respectful to her but move on and let her see that. More to the point actually move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and more to the point better fish for you.

If you're looking for someone that gives you value, self respect and happiness, without having it in yourself you will be sorely disappointed. That goes for women too. They may go about it a different way though.

AnonoBoy

Be honest. Sugar coat it a bit but don't lie because in the long run if you don't tell him the truth he'll look back and think you were stringing him along.

It won't be a pleasant conversation but it will be better for both of you when he knows that it's not going to happen. Sure he'll be disappointed but it will allow him to start getting over you. If he thinks there's a possibility things will get messy very quickly (believe me - I've been there quite recently, and I wish to **** that the girl had just been honest with me at the start).

biko

You will break his heart but he'll get over and may even want to be friends. But chances are he will not want to see you again.

LegacyUser

I know honesty is the best policy but I know myself Id hate to hear that someone doesnt fancy me and only likes me as a 'friend'.What a kick in the teeth! I think its a lot less hutful to him to keep my white lie going. Im sure that maybe in two months he'll get the hint that I dont want a relationship with him?

As for some guys being just friends........ I find that metrosexual types who have 'feelings' etc are great to be friends with but there not a huge turn on and I think passion is important for a relationship. I dont like b*startds or men who treat em mean keep em keen but a bit of excitment is important to me and you dont get this with metro males who are best kept as friends.

sobriquet

heartbreaker wrote: »

Im sure that maybe in two months he'll get the hint that I dont want a relationship with him?

No, he won't get the hint. He may get frustrated, but will maintain that there's a possibility. And to look at from his point of view, why wouldn't he? You've not told him there isn't, only that you need space. That's a maybe. There's no shortcuts op, maintaining the 'white lie' isn't helping him at all, it's not less hurtful.

What you're doing is implicitly stringing him along, even if it isn't your intention. Tell him. Soon.

Wibbs

heartbreaker wrote: »

I know honesty is the best policy

Yes it is.

but I know myself Id hate to hear that someone doesnt fancy me and only likes me as a 'friend'.What a kick in the teeth!

Which would you prefer a kick in the teeth or your teeth being extracted one by one for months? The salient facts are these; he likes you romantically, you don't. Tell him that or any hurt he feels by you not telling him are directly because of you and your inaction. I'm sure a quick search through this very forum will show a multitude of threads started by guys who are in his position. Don't be the cause of another one. Think of this as teaching him a valuable lesson.

I think its a lot less hutful to him to keep my white lie going.

Translation, it'll be harder and less hurtful on you to do it the proper way, by being direct. You appear to be making excuses to avoid a possible awkward moment. You have to though sooner or later. If you're concerned about how he feels and what is good for him then telling him what's what is the way forward.

Im sure that maybe in two months he'll get the hint that I dont want a relationship with him?

Why? If you're still meeting him and being "friends" with him, he's gonna think he has a chance. Grow a pair and tell him straight. If you do it right the chances are you'll lose him as a friend. That's better than the alternative. If you like him as a fellow human being you will make it easier on him in the long run. If you don't you'll keep him hanging on and that's a selfish act.

As for some guys being just friends........ I find that metrosexual types who have 'feelings' etc are great to be friends with but there not a huge turn on and I think passion is important for a relationship. I dont like b*startds or men who treat em mean keep em keen but a bit of excitment is important to me and you dont get this with metro males who are best kept as friends.

An honest opinion straight from the horses mouth folks. All this stuff about being a sensitive man being the most attractive is mostly crap. Women will often say that's what they want and emotional sensitivity is part of it, but only a small part of it especially in the early stages. That's why male "bastards" have much more luck with women than "sensitive" types and why the stereotype exists. This is more true with younger women. While women don't want bastards, they're more attractive than the other end of the scale. They show confidence, self respect and if they add in a sense of fun and a little danger/excitement the bastard type is on a winner and can get away with behaviour that may surprise. The amount of women I've heard complaining about their boyfriend being a bit of a bastard, yet they're sleeping with him after her sensitive male "friends" have been left in the pub.

Same thing with the usual advice about "just being yourself" often given to men. If just being yourself isn't working you may have to re think what being yourself is all about. If it's being an oversensitive wet metrosexual boy man, then for the sake of your relationships and more to the point for your own sake in life in general a change may be a good thing.

Thundercracker

dublindude wrote: »

I actually don't think you can remain friends. He sounds like he's holding out for you. Poor guy. Be honest with him and see whether he can handle it or not. Don't leave him with false hope...

I agree with that

Vengeance

DragonflyBlade21: "A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."Its so true..... hope it helps you see things from his point of view.

Stabshauptmann

heartbreaker wrote: »

I know honesty is the best policy but I know myself Id hate to hear that someone doesnt fancy me and only likes me as a 'friend'.What a kick in the teeth! I think its a lot less hutful to him to keep my white lie going. Im sure that maybe in two months he'll get the hint that I dont want a relationship with him?

As for some guys being just friends........ I find that metrosexual types who have 'feelings' etc are great to be friends with but there not a huge turn on and I think passion is important for a relationship. I dont like b*startds or men who treat em mean keep em keen but a bit of excitment is important to me and you dont get this with metro males who are best kept as friends.

you know the right thing to do, and you're not doing it. And please stop saying its to protect him, its so you dont feel bad.

You are doing something unfair and mean, tell him the truth.

Overheal

No way around it OP - this situation has 3 outcomes.

1) You end up falling together (lets rule this out right now shall we).

2) You give him the cold, unsweetened truth. He's hurt for a while, but he will get over it and move on.

3) you string him along, make him think he has a chance, and he spends the rest of the time you guys have together (the length of college so a couple Years) holding out for you instead of moving on and seeing what else is out there.

Its not very complicated. You think you're sparing his feelings with option 3 but you're not. Not in the slightest.