Boyfriend hates me

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've posted before, or at least I tried to, I don't think the thread was put up. It was ok though, I had a good day after I posted so I felt like I didn't need advice.

I do now.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We were best friends for 2 years before that. We're both young, 22. I love him so much, more than ever really.

I recently moved to a different county for college, and since then the relationship hasn't been the greatest. Moving away was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Before I moved, we were very rarely apart. I told him that I would need him to be there for me because I knew I was really going to miss him. I still do, every day.

It's been 3 months now, and he couldn't be more distant. He rarely texts me, and when I call him he nearly always has an excuse to get off the phone. He's in college too, so he's really busy. (He has learning difficulties so he has to study twice as hard as everyone else.) But he's not too busy to meet up with his friends. Fair enough, if I'm not home, he should get out and have fun. But when I get home, every two weeks, sometimes longer, I have to fight to see him. He says he has to study, but he knows two weeks in advance when I'll be home, and if he wanted to see me he's make the time. We end up in a huge fight when I ask him to meet up with me. He also hasn't been up to visit me yet, says he has no time, even though he went to a friends 21st for a weekend. He doesn't seem to realise how much it hurts me that he doesn't want to see me, or even talk to me.

I've tried telling him how I feel so many times, and he says he'll try harder, but he hasn't. It all came to a head tonight. I tried calling him to say night, but he just kept hanging up. Eventually he answered, said he was watching a movie and that he'd call me back. When he called back we got into a huge fight. I told him that I'd be home next week and he said he wouldn't see me because he has to study. This after he was out with his friends 3 nights last week. I told him I think he treats his friends better than me, and he said so what? He is always up for being with them, texting them, etc. I feel like second best.....no, wait, I feel like I'm the least important person in his life.

I'm not going to paint myself as an angel here. I'm a very insecure person. I tend to need a lot of reassurance and affection, because I don't believe that I'm much good as a girlfriend, or as a person. In the past I have become a bit obsessive, and I think that that has pushed him away. In the past he felt a bit smothered by me. But in the last year, in particular since I moved away, I've become a lot more independent. I'm definitely not obsessive anymore. In the past when he's gone out with his friends I've asked him to call me when he got in. Now a text will do. If he forgets or if his battery goes, I no longer get myself into a state of panic and worry about him. I realise there is nothing I can do and I go back to sleep. This is huge progress from where I was a year ago.

I try so hard to make him happy. He says I'm great to him, that I'm a fantastic person. In fact, he said this tonight. I know he loves me, but sometimes he seems to hate me.

I can't stop crying. I cry nearly every night. I'm pretty miserable, possibly to the point of depression. I'm not motivated to do anything at the moment, to the point where I have exams next week that I am not nearly ready for.

No one knows about any of this. My best friend lives in another country, and there is no one else I can talk to really. If you met me, you'd think I was perfectly normal, perfectly happy. None of my family know that anything is wrong, although they have noticed that he's spending less time with me. We don't really talk about these things in our family.

When we're happy, we get on so well. We have great chemistry, and a fantastic sex life (well, as fantastic as you can get when you see each other every 2 weeks) although I know that sex is far from everything!

To be honest, I think my boyfriend thinks I'm looking for attention. In the past I have said things looking for attention, so I can understand if he feels that way. I don't know if he realises how crap I feel. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but I am trying to see it from his point of view. I also think he might be hurt that I moved away, but he'd never admit it.

We have decided to give it til Christmas, when we can actually be together. Because we live apart, and are both so busy, on the rare occasions that we do get to talk properly, we talk about our relationship, we don't have time to talk about normal everyday things!

At the moment I'm feeling like I want to quit college. It was a huge step for me to move away in the first place, and now I feel like it was the worst decision I've ever made. I wont quit though. My parents are paying thousands for my postgrad, accommodation, etc, and I don't want to let them down.

I suppose I needed somewhere to write down my feelings, and I'm looking for some advice. I don't want to break up with him because I know that we can be happy.

Sorry for the long post.

Carrigart Exile

It can be exhausting and stifling having a gf/bf who constantly needs your attention, but he still shouldn't treat you like cr@p, which he appears to be doing. Might I suggest you do not text or call him for a week and only respond if he texts or calls you. If he doesn't then, as tough as it is, you may have to accept the relationship has gone its course.

SarahSassy

You seem to be relying on him for your emotional wellbeing.. This is not healthy and when it happens it can put a heavy burden on a relationship. He is fully entitled to see his friends and socialise with them and I think you are genuniely happy for him to see them. You need ot start to work on your own confidence. You are in college and have the world ahead of you.

Maybe part of the issue here is that you seem to rely only on him. Noone else knows that you feel this way and it would seem to me that you might need counselling. Why dont you approach the college counsellor...

I know when a relationship is not going well that its difficult to focus on anything else but you need to.. Its your first year in college, its time for you to make friends there and get a grip on the course you are doing... It will keep you busy and keep you from focussing on your bf and relationship all the time....

I do think he still loves you but I would hazard a guess that he is finding it difficult to cope with the pressure you put him under. Do you fight when you do get to see him?? He is young and may not know how to cope when you are unhappy and he probably thinks he can do nothing right.

I am not condoning his behaviour but sit back for a while, give him space for a week and take tme for yourself. You sound depressed and stressed to me and you need to get a handle on that. Take the time for yourself. Join clubs in college, make new friends and enjoy life. I am guessing you are 18 / 19 and its time for fun and enjoyment. Get the help you need, work on yourself and the happy relationship will follow.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that. I was actually thinking of not texting him for awhile anyway, just to take a bit of a break, let him do the chasing! And I do rely on him for support. I suppose I'm just used to him being there for me.

I'm not actually 18 or 19, as I said, I'm 22, and I'm actually doing my postgrad. I'm in a college that I am unfamiliar with, and have to get used to that first year feeling again. I've made a few friends here, but we're not that close yet, and all my other friends are either abroad or just too busy, so I don't want to burden them. I also have a crap housemate, which doesn't help the situation,

It just seems like nothing in my life is going right at the moment, and I can't understand why. I'm a good person, and I try hard to make people happy. I hate hurting people, I mean, I can't even bring myself to confront my housemate about her lack of cleanliness! I suppose I've let myself become a bit of a doormat because I don't want to lose the people I have, because I have in the past.

I'm going to take your advice and work on my own problems, not focus so much on the relationship. I probably will go to a counsellor. My boyfriend has suggested that in the past, which I suppose shows that he cares and that he's noticed how I'm feeling. Ideally I'd like to be able to talk to my boyfriend, rather than a counsellor, and just have him listen, but the time we have together is so precious that I never take the chance.

I have a hard few days ahead of me now with exams, so my mind will be on them. Hopefully that'll help me to forget about my problems for awhile.

I was thinking of showing him this thread, that maybe if it was down on paper he'd realise how bad I feel. I don't know if I should though.

Oh, and I've made a decision to stop crying! Not completely, obviously, because I can't just stifle my feelings like that, but I'm not going to let myself get into a state a night anymore.

SarahSassy

There seem to be a number of issues bothering you which are being manifested as a problem with your bf.. You have moved to a new area, has exam pressures, lack of support from friends etc etc and maybe if all these issues were different you would not be putting as much emphasis on your relationship...

Your bf is not the answer to your problems. While you should be able to rely on the person closest to you, sometimes they are not able to take on that burden on a fulltime basis. I am not being critical of you but just wondering if your bf gets the brunt of all your problems when you do see him?

You say that you try so hard to make him happy, why dont you stop trying to make him happy and spend the time to make yourself happy. All it takes is a shift in your thinking.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

There seem to be a number of issues bothering you which are being manifested as a problem with your bf.. You have moved to a new area, has exam pressures, lack of support from friends etc etc and maybe if all these issues were different you would not be putting as much emphasis on your relationship...

Your bf is not the answer to your problems. While you should be able to rely on the person closest to you, sometimes they are not able to take on that burden on a fulltime basis. I am not being critical of you but just wondering if your bf gets the brunt of all your problems when you do see him?

You say that you try so hard to make him happy, why dont you stop trying to make him happy and spend the time to make yourself happy. All it takes is a shift in your thinking.

Ya, I feel that if the other problems in my life could be sorted out, I'd be a much happier, less anxious person. To be honest, my insecurity about things can be very unattractive, so I suppose by being so negative about things, by worrying about the problems I have instead of dealing with them, I am pushing my boyfriend away, and thus probably causing our problems. I'm not excusing the way he treats me, but I do now realise that it may actually be my fault that he is distant, because I'm relying on him too much. (Not all my fault though, he has a part to play in it too.)

CantStopCrying

CantStopCrying wrote: »

Ya, I feel that if the other problems in my life could be sorted out, I'd be a much happier, less anxious person.

That's what a lot of people think, thing is, there's always another problem to worry about. You have to learn to be happy even with the problems unfortunately, cos it's never gonna happen otherwise.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

That's what a lot of people think, thing is, there's always another problem to worry about. You have to learn to be happy even with the problems unfortunately, cos it's never gonna happen otherwise.

Ok, so I'm thinking that what I need to do is try to stop worrying about every little thing that happens? (Obviously, I shouldn't be worrying about everything!) I understand that there is always going to be another problem, I suppose that I just feel like all my problems have come at once. That's probably just my perception of things.

This thread has really helped me to see things more clearly. I need to do things for myself. Funnily enough, my boyfriend said that to me last night. It seems that he was giving me some of the advice that I'm getting here but because I worry about everything I took it to mean that he doesn't want me and fought back.

When I go home next weekend I'm going to spend some time with my sister, and maybe catch up with a friend who I haven't seen in awhile. She just broke up with her boyfriend so maybe a girly night will do us good. I'm going to start thinking about me, and stop waiting around for my boyfriend to give me his time. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see him, but I'm not going to let him become the focus of my weekend, as he usually would be.

SarahSassy

CantStopCrying wrote: »

Ya, I feel that if the other problems in my life could be sorted out, I'd be a much happier, less anxious person. To be honest, my insecurity about things can be very unattractive, so I suppose by being so negative about things, by worrying about the problems I have instead of dealing with them, I am pushing my boyfriend away, and thus probably causing our problems. I'm not excusing the way he treats me, but I do now realise that it may actually be my fault that he is distant, because I'm relying on him too much. (Not all my fault though, he has a part to play in it too.)

Why dont you start by listing your problems and on the opposite page indicate which of them you can change and which you cant. Then choose one to work on this week. See how that improves things for you....

On another page do your list of positives and add to this list each day.... It will show you what you can be thankful for... Your posts portray someone who is entirely wrapped up in the negatives instead of positives. You are very lucky to be able to go to college and have your postgrad funded by your parents. Thats one positive straight away.

Start living for yourself and not your boyfriend. I have to admit if I had a very negative partner I would not wish to send a lot of time with them either but on the POSITIVE side he is still your bf, whether or not his behaviour is making you happy...

If he is not making you happy then you always have the choice to walk away from him. There is no point being in love with some if you are not compatible...

coolmoose

i was in the exact same situation about 3 years ago. living in cork, gf was from wexford. had a great time when she was living up here going to college in cork. she got a job here after college, we both thought happy days! and they were!

then after a few months she moved home, and the relationship went downhill rapidly. as you say about yourself, she was quite insecure, didn't trust me at all where she couldn't keep an eye on me which i took quite an offense to, she was stressed from work etc. fights started about the smallest things, and i know for a fact i became more and more distant because i really just couldn't be bothered with the grief. this went on for a long time and we were both unhappy with things. i took to meeting up with the lads more, and when she visited i would always decide to work that weekend so I would only have to meet her for a day max.

eventually, i became tired of this routine, it wasn't fair on either of us, and ended the relationship. the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but the best thing also.

we didn't talk for a few weeks, gradually got back texting, and now 3 years later have a great friendship, text and call regularly and are both happy. sometimes you just have to accept that relationships run their course, and you are only making things worse by clinging on to them. he may want to move on and is afraid of hurting you by ending the relationship, that is how i felt anyway.

i know it's hard, especially with the moving away etc., but start thinking positively, i'm sure there are plenty of good things about your life that are just being overshadowed at the moment. pm if you need to just chat to someone, i know how hard it is to move somewhere and have nobody to talk to.

Shellie13

tough as it is now think seriously about whether this realtionship is worth all the hurt and stress its causing you...if you still think it IS you're going to have to have a serious CALM chat with him about how you feel and if things don't improve unfortunately you will have to acccept.

It may help to hear his side of the story calmly and rationally

LegacyUser

Thanks for everything guys, I've really started to look at where I am emotionally in my life, as well as at the other problems. My boyfriend is at a grind at the moment, and he rang me before hand to let me know where he was going and that he'll call me when he's home. We're planning on having a bit of a chat when he comes home about positive things in our relationship.

I'll let you all know how we get on, but for now, I'm banning myself from Boards until my exams are over on Wednesday! (Im a pretty regular poster...you might say obsessive!

Thanks guys, no longer crying!

Shellie13

glad to hear it good luck!