Genuine advice required

LegacyUser

Long story short, I'm a 29yr old guy in a 5yr relationship with A, then, Some months ago, I met up with an old aquantance I haven't seen in about 15 years, who'll I'll call B. Nothing ever went on between us as she's 5 years older than me, but now, age isn't an issue.

My relationship with A is great, problem is, no hobbies, no interests, not a huge sexual interest. Unlike me, lots of hobbies, lots of interests, and fairly highly sexed. I was happy with my life till I bumped into B, and actually thought she was married, so straight away knew that nothing was going to happen there. But she wasn't marreid, and nearly 6 months of txts and phonecalls has turned into something I never planned. We have huge similar interests, she's independent and makes me feel more like myself than anyone I've ever met.

I've found myself in a situation I've only ever read abut or heard about, and it plainly sucks. I've never been unfaithful to anyone before, but all of a sudden I've turned into someone I always swore i'd never be, and it's tearing me up. I run a family business and I can't concentrate from morning till night. But it's come to a head now, and I need to decide which road I've got to take.

With A, who's more thoughtful than anyone in the world, we have a nice house planned, easy life, and she has a fantastic family, but every time I go somewhere with my hobbies, she complains, and it annoys her.

Or B. Who makes me feel alive again, shares my interests, lets me be who i wanna be, 5 years older.

I genuinely look for advice, but replies like "Stop being a boll!x" and "Once a cheater, always a cheater" need not apply. I know I'm being unfair, but it's gotten way out of control.

Help!

Unknown_AL

Requiem4adream

Not condoning cheating but def dont beat yourself up over it. You sound like a genuine person caught in a genuine situation. Time to think over some choices:

If you:

Stay with A i think you should make every attempt to cut ties with B. It's not fair on A. She obviously mean a lot to you to be with her for 5 years, treat her like she deserves. This will involve decisive action.

Choose B, i have a feeling in time you will come to feel that A was everything you actually wanted. But make a decision either way, and base that purely on how you feel.

As the Carlsberg ad says, there is ALWAYS C. C = take steps to improve your relationship with A, find time and energy to do things differently, introduce spontanaeity, enthusiasm and vibrance back into the relationship. Try get back to the things that you fell in love with.

My advice is start with C.... give it a chance. Then see how you feel. B might well be the 1 for you or you'll find A was all you ever needed - you wont know until you try. Take some responsibilty for your predicament and try pro-actively search for the right path to take.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I don't normally post on these things but I saw your post and had to reply because not so long ago I found myself in precisely the same situation you're in now (my B was also older).

This may not be the advice you want to hear but you must dump A, you are not doing her any favours by staying with her out of guilt or obligation. I know it's hard to contemplate after so long together, but she deserves someone who actually cares for her.

I'm not neccessarily saying you run straight into B's arms either but your relationship with A is not working if you can feel that way about someone else.

Incidentally, I did eventually break up with A and am now very happy with B. Though I wish I had done it sooner and saved everyone involved some heartbreak.

Ps, try not beat yourself up about it, the heart doesn't know from logic.

TomMc

OP,

The grass always seems greener on the other side even though this is seldom the case. Having said that, I think a person should never settle for another but go with the person who complements them, makes them feel reborn, brings out the spontaneity in them but most importantly of all, share similar values. (Your equal)

Option B you might just be seeing things through rose tinted glasses. You have to live with someone or spend lots of time with them to know for sure what they are really like. Life is not all wine and roses/beer and skittles and relationships/marriage require lots of work (by both parties) on an ongoing basis to avoid becoming somewhat stale.

Also having the same interests and hobbies is not everything either. You don't want a carbon copy of yourself or indeed have the need to live in each others pockets. Independence is a good thing, where each party can still partake in personal hobbies/interests/passions of theirs, independently. So long as when you are together there is a symphony at play. Quality not quantity (time).

shinners007

Bit of a tough situation to be in!!!

If you'd never bumped into B then this wouldnt be happening, did you bump into to B and deep down want more to come out of it as ur unhappy with A, only this you can answer.

Why text or ring B if your happy with A, this answers your question itself, dump A and take the risk on B, life is for living not for dreaming.

SarahSassy

And maybe in relationship we just meet people who are more suited to us than our partners......

You have a 'vested' interest in A already, which can be a good or a bad thing - she souds by your comments a bit selfish..... I would hate to be with someone who did not like my hobbies and interests so I would automatically be looking away from this relationship.

I suggest breaking from A, spending some time alone and seeing what happens with B.

kaimera

Been there OP, very recently.

6 year relationship down the ****ter because I thought the grass was greener and all that. Turns out I really do miss what I had but from what I've gathered she's moved on. I'm somewhat involved with the other girl since but it's hard to know how things will pan out. :-/

Look but don't touch imo.

LegacyUser

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me recently....It breaks my heart to bits every day since, but even amongst all this heart break I know she did the right thing. As much as I still love her, I know she wouldn't be happy with me and that it was the right thing for her to do.

We can control every single thing about our lives, but you can't control somebody's feelings and I am looking forward to the day when I meet the one.

In the darkest hours of this break-up, I know that it would never work and that's the way it would always be.

As cliche as it is, the heart knows more than the head....don't block someone else's chance....if it's not right, it's not right....

I am heartbroken, but I'm smart enough to not string something that is never gonna work along.

Best of luck, mate, feel free to PM me.

Remember that life is not easy, but a journey

coolmoose

shinners007 wrote: »

Why text or ring B if your happy with A, this answers your question itself, dump A and take the risk on B, life is for living not for dreaming.

+1...carpe diem my friend!

had the same situation arise last year, girl of my dreams came along when i was seeing somebody (well i know her years, but our mutual feelings came out at this stage) but i left the opportunity slide.

the girl of my dreams is now in australia, i broke up with my girlfriend shortly after opportunity arose and i now regret not taking the risk! the girl of my dreams is back next year, playing the waiting game until then...

take the chance, go with B!

AARRRGH

Been there wrote: »

staying with her out of guilt or obligation

This is a tough one.

OP: if you knew A would be totally OK with you breaking up, would it make things easier? Are you just staying with her out of "guilt or obligation"?

Your situation is extremely difficult, and I don't think there is a "right" answer. Both options suck tbh.

Could you try talking to A to see if she'll make more of an effort regarding your hobbies? This would be an honest heart to heart type conversation. Is this a possibility?

LegacyUser

I think i've just let B slide...

I kinda made a decision to go with A, I dunno...maybe it was out of obligation or guilt

My heart is breaking now though...and A is so happy....

What have I done....

SarahSassy

Unknown_AL wrote: »

What have I done....

Maybe the wrong thing? Why did you really decide to stay with A???? Thats very important at this point. I would HATE if my bf stayed with me only out of a sense of obligation / guilt. I would find it patronising that he felt I could not be happy without him.

On top of that you seem to have communication issues with A... Its hard for us to judge from the outside but I am surprised by your choice....

seraphimvc

Jimmy Eat World wrote: »

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me recently....It breaks my heart to bits every day since, but even amongst all this heart break I know she did the right thing. As much as I still love her, I know she wouldn't be happy with me and that it was the right thing for her to do.

We can control every single thing about our lives, but you can't control somebody's feelings and I am looking forward to the day when I meet the one.

In the darkest hours of this break-up, I know that it would never work and that's the way it would always be.

As cliche as it is, the heart knows more than the head....don't block someone else's chance....if it's not right, it's not right....

I am heartbroken, but I'm smart enough to not string something that is never gonna work along.

Best of luck, mate, feel free to PM me.

Remember that life is not easy, but a journey

+1

OP,we can only wish you all the best.

maybe,leave for awhile?calm down and think thoroughly.

CathyMoran

You made the right choice, make the most of what you have with A and try to rediscover the spark. I had doubts in my relationship and we broke up for a while - the grass on the other side was not greener, luckily we got back.

LegacyUser

I should rephrase, perhaps guilt was the wrong word. Maybe I just think it's worth fighting for after near 5 years...it's the first bump we've really hit and we had so much planned...

I've never felt so confused. I spoke to B totay and we were both so upset....

Ever feel like you just want someone else to make the decision for you!

I always heard these stories bout people who were married, but suddenly one person ran away with someone else after a whirlwind meeting and lived happily ever after...soudns like it could be me...

Ugh!

Thanks for the posts though guys, makes me feel not so alone

alantc

Dump A. You're hardly going to marry her and you're getting old.

estar

there will be issues with B as well, you just havent met them headon yet.

A makes life easy, B will give you freedom but prob wont do as much to make your life easy.

are you afraid of having to commit full stop? as you created the B situation by texting her. what did you want from that?

if you settle down with A will there be another B in a few years???

sounds like someone needs some time on their own with no A or B to see
what they want from life.

how would you feel if A got a B?

dudara

Life with B sounds free and easy but you don't know how it will be with her in reality. This is because your relationship with her is exciting and furtive and secretive. But that's exactly it. It's a secret. You can't take her out to meet your friends or go to family things with her. All that glitters is not gold.

You have to make a choice. Continuing as you are is not an option as people are going to get hurt, badly hurt. Make a decision and carry it through. it's going to be hard, but no one can do it for you.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

This is because your relationship with her is exciting and furtive and secretive. But that's exactly it. It's a secret. You can't take her out to meet your friends or go to family things with her. All that glitters is not gold.

Quite the opposite actually,

My friends did meet her, as I split with A a few months ago, but found myself questioning all I do. I've decided I need time on my own. Away from both. and it's killing me.

If I think of either with someone else it just hurts so bad. I even feel bad for posting here, people must be sick of hearing me moan by now

strawberrybox

if you split with A and you introducted B to your friends and you seemed to have what you wanted with A out of the picuture and B there why the hell did you get back with A?????

Jimmy Bottlehead

It's a tough position to be in. Not condoning cheating, but if you are with someone who has few common interests, or a much lower sex drive, it's not nice. take a break from both, and see what YOU want. At the end of the day, they'll both find other guys to replace you (as callous as that sounds, its true) so choose the one who you'll be happy with.

fuzzywiggle

If your heart isnt in it with A, then leave. You wouldn't be seeing B if you had the proper feelings for A! Go for B, it may or may not work out but there's no point picking A just beacause you've been together 5 years etc etc. That's no reason for 2 people to stay together.

Aura

Unknown_AL wrote: »

Quite the opposite actually,

My friends did meet her, as I split with A a few months ago, but found myself questioning all I do. I've decided I need time on my own. Away from both. and it's killing me.

If I think of either with someone else it just hurts so bad. I even feel bad for posting here, people must be sick of hearing me moan by now

You need time on your own if you ask me or else get out there and find C.
Good luck,

A.

Wibbs

I think Aura has it right. You may need to find C. I have observed that in cases such as your own, person B is often an excuse to realise that person A isn't the one for you. All too often person B isn't either and usually ends up as an in between person. I've seen this so many times I could write the next page of the script.

Riesen_Meal

Id go for the C option!

Seriously try get things a bit more invigorated with A, rekindle the flame etc, set yourself a time limit (2 months maybe?) to see how things pan out, if nothing is going as planned then try option B, your not a bastard being in the situation that your in OP, can happen anyone, we've all been in similar situations in the past....

Hope it works out for ya!

Gemini Sister

Did you hear the one about the donkey in the shed with two gorgeous bails of hay in front of him? He can't decide between them.... so he starves to death

OP, I've spent most of the last year in an almost identical position (an ex and a newbie entered my life at the same time) & it drove me to this site as well.

I've no advice for you cause I'm still resolving my situation/dealing with the fall out, but if I could go back six or seven months in time I probably would take that time out...
Except that I couldn't at the time cause there were (are?) too many conflicting emotions all over the gaff.

Meantime, a load of dithering has left me a very hungry donkey

Best of luck.