Lack Of Social Confidence

LegacyUser

Hello I came here just to get some advice.

I have a big problem with social confidence or more so the lack of.It really gets me down a lot of the time and it bothers me when I see people who are confident and to be honest I become extremely jealous which in turn sends me into an even darker state of............well I wouldnt say depression but downess if thats a word.

Im looking on some advice on how to build my social confidence.I think in many ways this lack of confidence is a cause for a lot of my problems.The main problem is that I feel extremely lonely.....all my friends are either married,engaged or seeing someone and yet im "young free and single " although I feel young trapped and alone.I would love to have a girlfriend so that I can go out to meals and other events with the rest of my friends.
I am in general a happy go lucky guy when around the lads but when girls are around I kind of go into myself......and a lot of girls who maybe find me attractive actually think im quite ignorant when in fact I just have absouletely no confidence what so ever to walk up to them and say something.I would love to be able to go up to a girl sober and talk to them and maybe get there number but am afraid they might say no...and I am worried about what people would think.I just lack total self belief in this department.

So this usually means me getting absouletely wasted to try and muster up some confidence but than I make a total ass of myself with the things I say so there would be no chance in hell of anybody finding me attractive.

I also have a big problem with what people think of me in some cases.Like I would be afraid quite literally of maybe walking past somebody who I taught might past a snide remark about me and would wait until there gone or something.

I feel if I dont combat this I will be doing myself some physical(drinking heavy) and mental damage(depression).So if anybody who was in this position that could help me in any way i.e Books,Videos,Meditation,Hypnosis to overcome my lack of Social Confidence and Stage Prescence Confidence.(I took a personality test) please do.Any advice and guidance at all.

Thanks For Listening.

Padge

SarahSassy

Hi Padge,

This is really very common. I was incredibly shy in social circles for many years mainly due to the fact I was in a very long term relationship and also was still friendly with my school friends - as such I didnt need to make much of a social effort when I was out. When my relationship ended and my friends started to get married, have kids etc it meant that if I wanted to meet people, make more friends that I needed to make a social effort. I was very daunting and very difficult at the start.... A lot of the time, as I had lived such a 'sheltered' life I felt I had nothing interesting to say to people and as such I said nothing....

Whats worked for me (and I still suffer from it) was building up my confidence through learning, reading, travelling and trying new things - courses, classes etc. I now have passtimes, stories about my trips and things to talk about.. Travel is a great eye opener but its also a great conversation opener. Most Irish people travel at least once a year and its a good way to get chatting to people....

If you are only talking to girls cos you want to score with them then it adds pressure on you. Why not decide to start practising on some girls. I dont mean use them but use them to hone your social skills.. Then after a while when you meet someone you realy like it will be easier for you... Its a work in progress for me but I have come a long way and now feel I can fit into most conversations (for at least a few minutes).

Best of luck with it and my advice is to take one step at a time and not to beat yourself up if you take a step backwards from time to time.

SS

Overheal

LACKING wrote: »

I feel young trapped and alone.I would love to have a girlfriend so that I can go out to meals and other events with the rest of my friends.
I am in general a happy go lucky guy when around the lads but when girls are around I kind of go into myself......and a lot of girls who maybe find me attractive actually think im quite ignorant when in fact I just have absouletely no confidence what so ever to walk up to them and say something.I would love to be able to go up to a girl sober and talk to them and maybe get there number but am afraid they might say no...and I am worried about what people would think.I just lack total self belief in this department.

I also have a big problem with what people think of me in some cases.Like I would be afraid quite literally of maybe walking past somebody who I taught might past a snide remark about me and would wait until there gone or something.

OK, first off: whats wrong with feeling Young? May I ask your age?

Secondly, you're far from trapped: thats what Single is all about. You don't need a Significant Other to go out and live life; go out to Dinner with your friends; see a Movie; etc. You just go and be yourself - don't hang yourself up on the fact that your friends are paired off because if you do this all you're going to do is dwell on it and then you'll miss something. Stop trying to see your friends through Male and Female Labels: its making you feel like The Odd Man Out. Instead try being the Free Man.

SarahSassy wrote:

Whats worked for me (and I still suffer from it) was building up my confidence through learning, reading, travelling and trying new things - courses, classes etc. I now have passtimes, stories about my trips and things to talk about.. Travel is a great eye opener but its also a great conversation opener. Most Irish people travel at least once a year and its a good way to get chatting to people....

+1

Also if you're uncomfortable meeting people in a club environment: Don't. It's only stressing you out.
There's a million and one other places in the world to meet somebody and most of the time *shocker* its in everyday life when neither of you are thinking about it.

As for your self-conciousness: don't let it get to you. I was like that a lot last year - thought all my colleagues were saying nasty **** behind my back. Course I was depressed at the time... anyway here we are today and I don't think about such things and am pleasantly surprised when expecting to hear nothing, I hear good things. As for the bad: try and take it with a grain of salt. Don't immediately view every comment that comes your way in a negative light. You'll find if you do, you will be better able to respond.

angelsfire

LACKING wrote: »

Hello I came here just to get some advice.

Padge

Well as you said you have very low self confidence. I also used to have very very low self confidence. I was married to an abusive man for way to many years and I was depressed and alone and felt odd person out. Once I was away from him for about 2 years I started feeling my self worth come back to me. I know you aren't in the same position I was but my road to recovery (so to speak) was the same.

First off you have to quit caring what people think of you. In this world there will be a lot of people that don't like you....deal with it. As for being single and feeling oddly out of place. You have to realize that being single in supposed to be the best time of your life....enjoy it! Soon all your married friends will be looking at you and be jealous of your freedom. Travel, meet new friends, go out with the guys and just enjoy your life. Don't worry about other people and just remember the one great law.....YOU ARE NUMBER 1!!!! Just worry about yourself and deal with life as it's thrown at you.

One other thing might help. If you have one best friend whether it be male or female, talk this over with them and listen to what they tell you. Talking about things always make things a little bit easier.

Take care!

organisedchaos

I have to say guys that's great advice and it is heartening to know that I am not the only one who feels alone when seein my friends with partners. As for the confidence part I cant really give advice on that as I am a 29 yr old male and I know I am not ugly and am relatively fit and have things going for me but just the moment I go to talk to a random girl in a club/pub I just clamp up and dont say anything or alternatively until i get so hammered for dutch courage and end up saying something sleazy and totally regretting it.

Hopefully that will pass and one day I grow some balls!! Anyways getting back to the point, enjoy being single, do things you have always wanted to do. Trust me around 60% of my friends are in relationships out of pure convenience and the spark has totally gone out if it. I was in a relationship for 6 years and believe me the feeling of being alone and single is far better than the feeling of being in a relationship and trapped. who knows , mayeb doing things you have always wanted to do , travelling, college, etc might be the time you accidentaly meet someone.