Girlfriend claiming I abuse her

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm 22 and living in Wicklow, working in Dublin.
Heres the story, been going out with a girl for about 8 months now.
Sometimes when she gets angry with me/etc (which is normal, everybody has their ups and downs) she will lash out and scratch/punch/kick/etc me. Its happened 4 or 5 times,
I'd never hit a woman, and its very hard to keep myself from getting destroyed when she gets like that.
My face, arms and neck have been cut to bits by her nails and whacks.

I often have to hold her arms or hands to stop her hitting me. I've never struck her, ever. In fact I've never hitten anybody except for one time when I was 6 years old in school and some guy said nasty things about my mum.
I will never hit her or another human being.
I'm a peaceful, gentle soul and I wouldn't hurt a fly.

However this morning, she went mad at me over an argument and tore into me. I grabbed her wrist (firmly but not to hurt) and then she tried to kick me and I caught her foot to save myself a kick in the sore parts.
Next thing she falls over from the unbalance and starts yelling.

She went ballistic, and has texted me about 30 times today telling me she has taken photos of bruises on her hand & side & leg from when she fell over. All the messages are leading me to say things as "evidence" or to show somebody, I can tell by the tone of the messages that shes not texting as she normally would. She said she is going to the gardai and going to phone up my work and tell my boss that I'm a woman beater.
I'm really worried.
I know she doe have bruises as she bruises extremely easily from walking into things/etc.
I know she sounds like a head case, and I'm fairly certain I'm finished with her, but what will happen if she goes to the Gardai and claims I beat her up?
Will they automatically side with the woman, in these cases which is the obvious and probably generally correct side to take?

I don't want anything criminal after my name, I don't care about her anymore at all.
Not when she could consider doing what shes doing.

Any advice?
I'm facing an abyss here and I just *know* that the gardai or whoever will side with her.

Colonel_McCoy

Well if you are hoenstly saying you didnt hit her you need to ditch the b*tch. She has anger management issues. Give her time to cool down, delete the photos from her phone and get the hell out of dodge.

mucker23

Really feel for ya man, that sounds like a nasty situation. ur one sounds like a bit of a lula, but ya can just deny it, there is no witnesses ur word against hers. Does ur mates know that she abuses you?? Coz its sounds like ur the victim in this and you can use ur mates to sort it out, i'd say get the F**k away from this girl as soon as possible in case something serious happens!!!!!

Overheal

Okay, breakup with her because nothing about that relationship sounds healthy.

Secondly, we need to know the content and context of your arguments: are you discussing politics and religion or are you trying to get sex out of her? Are you being clingy or touchy?

I don't know anybody that just randomly attacks somebody like that unless they are really offended or they feel threatened (or they are being playful and its getting misinterpreted): so which is it? Fess up.

edit: i doubt she will go to the Gards. the fact that shes showing you all this leads me to believe its a scare tactic to get power over you: dont play into it.

MagicMarker

I would suggest that you go to the guards before she does and explain the situation, just so they have it on record. I can't really say anything other than that. Oh, apart from don't ever talk to her again!! She sounds like a complete nut job!!

But anyway, get yourself down to the station and explain yourself and if you do decide to stay with her, keep a log of anytime this happens from now on, if she attacks you then you should take pics of your injuries.

whiskeyman

God man, the second she threw a swing at you the very first time, you should have walked.
She could obvious feel she had power over you, as she could lash out violently and receive no retaliation. What did you do when she hit you? I presume you shouted or threatened her in some way ('do that again, and it's over' type, not violently threaten).
As for being 'fairly certain' your finished with her....are you honestly thinking your not certain a bit??
Ok - not sure on the whole legal aspect. Id be pretty certain if she calls your boss or spreads rumours, you could get her on slander / defamation of character. That's one for the legal heads to look into.
Hope someone here can give you better advise. If I were you, don't make ANY contact with this violent freak. If anything, she's going to threaten you a lot more, so keep note of all texts / voicemails calls etc...

padser

Look its a really really difficult situation. Bottom line is its highly unlikely whatever she does that you will end up with any conviction without evidence so stop worrying about it. Apart from anything there is no point in worrying about something like that before anything happens (crossing bridges etc).

Incidently LOADS of women bruise easily and its well known so don't worry about it.

Also on the legal front consider going to a solicitor - since you have suffered an assault and also you should be guarded in your dealings with her until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Also remember there is a good chance she is just huffing and puffing but at the end of the day she has to know from common sense that she doesn't have any evidence so she possibly wouldn't even follow it up.

miles teg

If she only has a bruise and its the first time a complaint is made (i doubt she'll follow through to be honest), the worst i think she can do is get a restraining order on you... no sweat of your back if you're breaking up anyway.

Reku

Never thought I'd make a statement such as this but: Dump her, dump her NOW! Go home, grab your stuff and get the hell out of Dodge while you can!

She seriously has psychological issues and no healthy relationship can exist where one partner feels free to physically vent their frustrations upon the other and the other must just put up with it.

As for the bruises much of the field of forensics is about trying to identify the source of such injuries, as such if you just tell the truth hopefully she'll get caught out in one of her lies. If nothing else even to me the bruises being on the hand, side and leg doesn't sound right for being attacked and I'm not even trained in the subject (in my mind if you were being attacked either you'd face the person to try antipate the incoming blows and block or even retaliate or turn completely away to protect the more delicate parts of the body which are mostly at the front [the rib cage is far more sturdy and covers more organs in the back than the front, the back of the skull has no soft regions built into it, the face does, etc...]).

Personally I would also suggest seeking a restraining order as she sounds mentally unhinged enough to act against you, your property or someone you care about.

moco

Firstly you have to stay away from her, but that may provoke her more to go to the police. I think if I were you I'd probably go to the station and tell them the situation, so if and when she comes with crazy accusations it'll look better for you.

I'd say she's just got herself in a temper though and will probably do nothing, but definitely finish with her asap and keep away from her. Ignore her texts and calls, don't get into conversations she can record and try to use against you.

tbh

Overheal wrote: »

I don't know anybody that just randomly attacks somebody like that unless they are really offended or they feel threatened (or they are being playful and its getting misinterpreted): so which is it? Fess up.

.

Ignore this - there is no justification for your girlfriend hitting you, it's not your fault.

Generally the guards will be familiar with defensive and offensive injuries, it might be an idea to drop into your local cop shop and discuss the matter with them, just to get an idea of where you stand.

cowzerp

dump her man

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks.
I've left her anyways... What you have all said makes sense, and I've seen sense.
I really don't want to go down the legal road.
Is there any point to her slandering me/telling my boss/etc and then me "taking legal action".
I work in a very sensitive area of health care and will be immediately (and legally) told that theres no more work for me if she starts phoning up my boss.

I didn't tell my friends because ... well because its hard to tell your mates you've been getting hit the odd time by the missus!
Its only happened 4 or 5 times anyways.

The point is that I'm finished with the girl and that I really dont want myself dragged through some legal mess.
I really don't want a restraining order against me!

I might go to the Garda station and explain it to them.

moco

SorryButUnreg'd wrote: »

Thanks for the replies folks.
I've left her anyways... What you have all said makes sense, and I've seen sense.
I really don't want to go down the legal road.
Is there any point to her slandering me/telling my boss/etc and then me "taking legal action".
I work in a very sensitive area of health care and will be immediately (and legally) told that theres no more work for me if she starts phoning up my boss.

I didn't tell my friends because ... well because its hard to tell your mates you've been getting hit the odd time by the missus!
Its only happened 4 or 5 times anyways.

The point is that I'm finished with the girl and that I really dont want myself dragged through some legal mess.
I really don't want a restraining order against me!

I might go to the Garda station and explain it to them.

Yea, go to the police, then if she goes to your work, you explain you've had to go to the guards about it and it should look better on you.

Dr Strange

I would agree and say go and talk to the Gardai about it. At least they are aware of it and it shows that you have nothing to hide if you make the start and talk to them as a preventative measure. At the same time youc an bring up your concerns about her talking to your boss/work and see what they say.

Gyalist

Get out of there immediately. Don't even worry about her. Look after yourself first. Her problems are not yours to fix.

I'd also advise that you see a solicitor.

Be prepared for an onslaught of crazy text and email messages and tearful apologies from her or even threats to kill herself. Don't even bother to respond. If she threatens suicide let her relatives know immediately.

A friend of mine went through something similar. The woman was amazing looking and outwardly appeared normal but just one drop of alcohol and she turned into a total psycho. We cautioned him but he wouldn't listen. He came to his senses when she attacked him with a kitchen knife one night over something very trivial. Luckily she didn't harm him but she had the nerve to go to the Gardai to make a complaint against him. He moved out that very night leaving most of his belongings in the apartment. His parents had to be accompanied by a garda when they went to collect his stuff a few days later.

She bombarded him with crazy rambling texts and emails for weeks after and even threatened to commit suicide. She was English but living in Dublin so he did not know how to contact her relatives but my advice to him was the same that I'm giving to you. Look after yourself first.

Luckily, she didn't follow through on her threats to kill herself. I see her around occasionally and she looks as good as ever but I pity the poor sap who gets in to a relationship with her.

LegacyUser

I been there and you have made the right decision, perhaps get the police to take a statement and phone a domestic abuse help line, take note of the time and date and the name of the person who took the call, anything that will back you up in the unlikely event that she does follow through with these threats.
If anything it will give you peace of mind.

Meathlass

moco wrote: »

Yea, go to the police, then if she goes to your work, you explain you've had to go to the guards about it and it should look better on you.

The minute she hit you the first time you should have dumped her. You are a victim of domestic violence, you should be reporting her to the guards for domestic abuse not the other way around.

FutureGuy

8 simple words for a much-improved life...

DUMP HER RIGHT NOW.
SHE IS A PSYCHO.

I don't care how good ye seem to be together, I don't care how nice she is when she is not angry. You will be doing yourself a huge favour.

AnonoBoy

Dump her. Definitely. Not only does she hit you but she lies and says that it's you being the abuser.

And don't worry too much about the Gardai if she only has a bruise. As someone pointed out - lots of girls bruise easily (and guys too). A good roll in the sack leaves me and my girlfriend with a few bruises each (and we don't even do anything that kinky!)

LegacyUser

You've already left herso all I can say is given the nature of her behaviour and the accusations go to the police, bite the bullet and tell them not only what just happened, but what she'e been dong to you all along - it was a much bigger issue that you seem to have made out; she's assaulted you on numerous occasions!

And have no more direct contact with her under any circumstances, and by direct I mean no email, no text no phone calls - only communicate through a third party.

The_Conductor

Unfortunately its almost impossible to prove or disprove abuse- but the accusation of being an abuser hangs around people like a bad smell. By virtue of the fact that she has accussed you- I would very unfortunately have to advise that you should immediately report the matter to the Gardai so there is a report of your side of the situation should she decide to persue her allegations. You have to think of yourself here- and how to protect yourself and your reputation.

Its very unfortunate- but there are people out there who will and do use the threat of an imagined assault or even rape, as a way of getting their bosses/boyfriends/husbands etc to do exactly what they want. You are not helpless though, no matter how you may feel.

S.

AARRRGH

I bet you this girl is a sweetheart in public. It's amazing how the psychos always have a certain charm about them. They're expert manipulators.

I think you're worrying too much about her going to your boss. If she does, just explain to him she's nuts and you have no problem getting the gardai involved if she keeps up the act.

I went out with a girl like this. Do not agree to meet her alone and break all contact. Communicating with her will not result in a positive outcome so move on with your life without her in it at all.

Good luck!

PS Are her initial CK? She sounds like the CK I was with. Nutter!

ShawnRaven

Kick her to the curb immediately, unless you love the idea of a physically and psychologically torturous future, in which case, marry her tonight!

VR!

LegacyUser

i was in that situation with the ex-wife.
she threw a strop and attacked me. But when the guards came - she claimed i beat her.
The guards are well versed in that ****e. they didn't believe her for a moment.
Although tbh they really didn't want to be there either
so were kinda "just leave each other alone"

But you have nothing to fear from a once off. having photos of bruising proves nothing.
she could have got them anywhere

If you want make I statement to the guards - it'll help if this goes further.


And btw well to for getting outha there. 4/5 times is 4/5 times to much.

speaktofrank

I don't know how you ended up with such a pyscho given that you seem to be a pretty quiet person. I'm betting it won't be too long before she is calling asking for forgiveness.
She might not have gone to the guards if you had stayed together but she probably will now, so for your own sake just go in and get the guards to take a statement and ringing that helpline seems good, they might even be able to give you some good advice.

DemocAnarchis

Kick the bitch to the kerb, block her phone number, email address. Sever all contact. If you really feel concerned, contact your local garda station/solicitor. Dont assume they will side with her; you have a record of all the messages she has sent, fairly obvious what her intention was to anyone with a shred of sense. Dont worry man, just get out of there.

Steyr

Totally agree with the above!^

What waste of time and effort she was..Hope you kept her texts to show the Gardai. Well done on walking.

Semele

She might not have gone to the guards if you had stayed together but she probably will now

Would def agree with this- if she's that much of a psycho when angry the fury when she finds out you finally had the nerve to stand up to her and not take her s*** will probably lead her to follow through with it just to get back at you. Go to the guards first and get your side in.

cudman

Cant believe what I have been reading here. In todays society if he goes to the guards he is going to be guilty till proven innocent. They will more than likely assume he is doing it to cover himself.
Chances are the mad bitch wont go to the guards anyway. Leave it off for a few days until the bruises go away and then all she has is photographs that could have been any time any place any cause.
If you do feel the need to cover yourself perhaps speak to your solicitor. Guards would be obliged to investigate any incident of abuse.

IRISH RAIL

Now im sorry for the spelling and grammer
ive been in the same story
my ex cheated on me and then she didnt like the fact that i wasnt up to playing her games
she startd giving me abuse and i had to push her away i grabbed her by the arm and led her out the door
she kicked the bottom part of the door in and i called the cops it wasnt the first time i called them and they didnt want to know i cant blame them she lost the plot and cut my face open no scars though thank jehovah
it was noted i rang the cops as opposesd her but her family think im a bas**rd i know what happend and so do the cops

my advice is get out before ur accused of something more serious

mikemac

I've only scanned through this thread so apologies if this has been raised before.
Get down to your local garda station asap in the morning and make a report.
The gardai won't take any action but you will have a report on file.
Get the garda's name and number. Believe it or not they are helpful and you will probably get a "business card" with the info on it.

And then kick this girl to the kerp!
Out of spite, she may make a claim in a week or two and the report you made may be the only thing that saves you.

l3LoWnA

SorryButUnreg'd wrote: »

I didn't tell my friends because ... well because its hard to tell your mates you've been getting hit the odd time by the missus!
Its only happened 4 or 5 times anyways.

ONE time was too many.

Do not get sucked back in by her tears, "I love you", gentleness or "I'll change" because she will probably try anything and will never change. It happens FAR more often that you'd think and not many men will admit to it so you're not alone. I personally, know two men who, like you, would NEVER raise a hand to a woman (both men could hold their own very well in a fight with another man however, and would never strike you as the type that would let ANYONE, let alone their missus, physically abuse them) but got into abusive relationship and let their women actually physically attack them. It's a horrble situation and you need to get out of it!

One of these men that I know KEEPS going back to his girlfriend and the attacks are getting worse each time. She is a lovely sweet girl on the outside and I've always held her in high esteem until I knew the truth (the violent abusive side of her that no-one could guess was inside this pretty gentle creature) I've actually been there when this girl went psycho with him one night and she tore his clothes off, threw his furniture out the window, and gave him bruises AND scratches all over. He was shaking all over each time he got away from her and was trying to hold in the tears and stay calm but it was HIS house and he was trying to get her to leave before she did any more damage - she'd already broken into the house by smashing the kitchen window (He's a friend of a friend so he'd asked me and my friend and her boyfriend to stay as he was REALLY scared of what she was capable of and he knew the worst of her wouldn't come out if we were all there) He couldnt get her to leave the house and had to call the gardai, who did nothing because she put on the whole "poor me, sweet innocent little girlie" act to them and they bought it. Dangerous dangerous girl. Not only was she attacking him but she was attacking him when there were other people in the house and making a complete tosser out of him. To be honest though, he's made a tosser of himself since, by going back to her :rolleyes: It will end badly though, anyone that knows them are of the same opinion, one of them will end up dead or worse. (I know that's an extreme case but it started just as you've described what your gf was doing and progressed when she realised she could get away with it and when she realised he'd keep coming back for more....)

Sorry for that horrible story but it's what these situations CAN lead to.

Fair play to you for leaving her, just please, please don't go back (no matter what she says or does to convince you) You're whole life could be ruined by this girl if you let her, including your career. It will be hard for you but for yourown sake and your future stay away

Best of luck, I hope she gets bored and moves on soon and leaves you to get on with your life in peace, you deserve better!

Stabshauptmann

Talk to a solicitor. They can advise you on the best way to protect your name and job.

Stabshauptmann

Overheal wrote: »

Secondly, we need to know the content and context of your arguments: are you discussing politics and religion or are you trying to get sex out of her? Are you being clingy or touchy?

I don't know anybody that just randomly attacks somebody like that unless they are really offended or they feel threatened (or they are being playful and its getting misinterpreted): so which is it? Fess up.

And no guy smacks his bitch up unless, you know, she's asking for it.
That is actually a really stupid thing to say I think.

There are people who when things arent going 100% there own way (people who are often unreasonable, selfish and demanding) lose the plot. They may become loud, violent or physically abusive. This goes for both men and women.
These people have problems, it is not the victim's fault.

IMO there are instances where a show of force is reasonable self defence, but the assumption that this is the only time women lose the plot is ludicrously naive.

Talliesin

Think about how hard it can be for someone who is genuinely being abused by a partner (e.g. yourself) to get the evidence needed to bring a prosecution. Bringing a false one wouldn't be easy for her.

It's quite possible that she is working from a place where she is incapable of seeing how anyone could think she was anything but 100% in the right, and as such would assume that the Gardai would have some magical ability to both see everything that happened and would also agree with her (because she won't be able to see how anyone could not agree with her). If this is so, reality won't match her plans.

It's more likely that this is just an empty treat designed to hurt you, just as the physical violence was designed to hurt you. It's just another approach to the abuse she has already committed.

Leave. Stay away. If she won't stay away get a restraining order.

Overheal wrote: »

I don't know anybody that just randomly attacks somebody like that unless they are really offended or they feel threatened (or they are being playful and its getting misinterpreted):

That's nice for you. Unfortunately, there are thousands of people in this country who do just randomly attack people, or who "are really offended or they feel threatened" over little or nothing. Some assault those they live with, some start fights outside pubs, some do both. A&E have plenty of people that suffer from this every night. Sometimes their victims end up in the morgues as well.

joeybloggs

If I was a betting man, I would say she just wants to hurt you cause shes angry(for whatever reason), and since her normal pysical method can't be carried out, she has resorted to threats, empty threats.
However, do prepare for the worst case scenaio.
This 'child' is threatening to ruin everything you have worked for, because of a situation which she created(unfortunetly you made a mistake, but yet fortunetly it will finally end this situation too). Abuse of male spouses/bf's etc. is present in our society and often goes unreported.
Don't be fooled.You are victim of this abuse.While it might not seem to be very 'manlly' to be affected by this , it takes a real man to admit/try put a stop to this, so fair play.
So what do you do now.Prove you are also a victum of physical abuse.Valid Evidence will always be stronger than anyones word, even the popes!
Document every detail you can remember from previous fights.State the date it occured on, what happened and why this argument happened.
I would bet you have some evidence of mental abuse too.A few text messages about how somone is going to ruin your career is a good way of showing a courtroom how somebody has a destructive and abusive side.
So save everything, a good solicitor will be able to put it to good use and could destroy any case before she even tries the waterworks.

the_syco

Get a good friend, or your solicitor, to take photo's of your wounds. Due to their placing, they'll be seen as defensive wounds, rather than offensive wounds.

Offensive wounds would be on your knuckles, were as the defensive wounds would be on your arms, etc.

DublinWriter

SorryButUnreg'd wrote: »

I might go to the Garda station and explain it to them.

Good idea, you really need to log/flag what's going/went on with a third party.

I wouldn't go down your local station on spec as you'll probably get some probabtioner with his arse barely out of trousers.

Ring the station first and make an appointment with the Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault (DVSA) liaison member.

wb

Firstly, stop worrying about the Gardaí.

She won't go to them. Even if she does, it will be treated as a 'domestic' (i.e. nothing will be done).

The girl is insecure if she is behaving like that. You seem like a nice guy who wants to stay with her and perhaps help her. To be honest though, if she's acting like that she'll probably never be happy.

For a moment, turn the tables.

Imagine a woman posting here, saying her partner hit her a lot. What would the response be? I think you know that.

I'm not foolish enough to simply say 'dump her' as no life situation is so simple, but you have some serious thinking to do, and must consider if you really want to be with her. Consider also, that staying with her means never being with another woman ever again. Are you ok with that, or would you like to try dating other people in the future? If the answer is yes, then now is the time to get out as there is no point in prolonging the situation.

Again, only you know the girl, so you must judge if you think she'll change or not. You must think about yourself first and foremost though.

johnnyskeleton

SorryButUnReg wrote: »

I know she sounds like a head case, and I'm fairly certain I'm finished with her, but what will happen if she goes to the Gardai and claims I beat her up?
Will they automatically side with the woman, in these cases which is the obvious and probably generally correct side to take?

I don't want anything criminal after my name, I don't care about her anymore at all.
Not when she could consider doing what shes doing.

Any advice?
I'm facing an abyss here and I just *know* that the gardai or whoever will side with her.

If she makes a complaint to the gardai they will investigate it and seek directions from the DPP or their superintendent on whether they should bring a prosecution. It doesn't really matter what the gardai think, and in all liklihood they will be neutral.

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't involve the fuzz to be honest. Go and speak to a solicitor and get their advice.

Shellie13

seek legal advice.

Don't put up with this kind of abuse. You don't hit someone you love period...it dosn't matter if its a guy or girl doing it!