It's a wonderful life...

LegacyUser

I don't really know why I'm going unregistered for this because anyone who knows me will know who I am but I guess I just don't want other users to know... Anyway....

I'm in my early 20s and was brought up by my mother, my granny and my grandaunt. My mother died when I was 11 and so I was then looked after by just my granny and grandaunt. After a slow and steady decline (well, it sped up rapidly in the last few weeks) my granny died a few of years ago. At this time I was in college but I missed a lot due to the fact that I needed to help with my granny a lot and she died around exam time so I never sat any exams. I was very upset by her death and decided to leave college and try and sort out my head/life.

My aunt and uncle moved in after granny died but my aunt and grandaunt don't get along at all. They are very similar,both very stubborn and hard to live with. They fight an awful lot and I usually have to calm them both down.However, they haven't been so bad recently.

Anyway, my grandaunt is now in her mid 80s and up until recently has been reasonably independent. The past couple of weeks she was complaining about feeling sick but she is too stubborn to let anyone get a doctor or anything. I noticed over the past few days that she has become completely incontinent so yesterday my aunt and I confronted her and we cleaned her bed/room and bathed her. After the bath she was out of breath and started vomitting so I called an ambulance.

When it arrived she seemed ok and they said it might just be exhaustion from all the activity or a panic attack. They offered to take her to hospital but she refused to go and they couldn't force her.

Basically, I just don't know what to do. This is all happening so fast. My aunt left work when granny was sick and helped look after her but she won't do the same for my aunt. She is very good but I can't expect her to put her life on hold again. And I know she won't either. I am working myself and planning to go back to college next year but now I feel like maybe it's my turn to look after the person who was practically a parent to me my whole life.

My grandaunt is the only person left from my immediate family, the only family member I can really hug and I'm terrified about the fact that she is going to die some day. I just don't know what I will do. I feel so guilty going to work and my aunt has arranged for the health nurse to drop by and check on my grandaunt but I feel like I should be there.

I know this is a very manic and disorganised post but I can't seem to get it out any other way!

I don't even know how to change a baby's nappy let alone an adult's nappy and I don't want my grandaunt to have to go to a home because no one will help take care of her but I finally had a plan, I knew what I was going to study and what I wanted to be and now I feel I should put it on hold. I dunno why I'm writing this but everything is happening so fast and I dunno what to do.

Feel like George Bailey from "It's a wonderful life".....

LegacyUser

Would your greataunt even want you doing such intimate tasks as changing her, cleaning her up after incontinence? The Public Health Nurse will make an assessment of her needs and see what services need to be involved. Wait till that's done. Do not feel guilty about working! You need some respite from these events. Look after yourself and your own wellbeing, in that way you can be the biggest help to her.

LegacyUser

She doesn't like the idea of me doing it for her but she'd hate even more to let anyone else do it. It's really a catch 22.

sobriquet

G.Bailey wrote: »

Basically, I just don't know what to do. This is all happening so fast.

You can deal with this.

I'm sure it all seems incredibly daunting but you can deal with it; you will get through it. I can relate on some level to you: over a year ago my mother was gravely ill and was given a terminal diagnosis. She was allowed to be discharged home as respite, but needed someone there. I gave up work and moved home. She needed complete looking after, though a fiercely independent woman there were a lot of things, including very personal ones, that she needed help with. I never in my life would have believed myself capable of just getting on with it, but in a situation like that get on with it you must, and trust me, if you need to, you will too.

Giving up work is a drastic move, as is cancelling plans to go to college already. Even though I had plenty to do with Mum, I spent a lot of time sitting on my hands. Oldie is right, you should maintain some normality, or you'll suffer needlessly for it yourself. I know it seems like you have to make a grand decision soon, or that things are out of your control, but just take your time, things won't fall apart.

The public health nurse and other sources can provide help, and you should avail of it.

It's not easy OP. Best of luck with it.

She doesn't like the idea of me doing it for her but she'd hate even more to let anyone else do it. It's really a catch 22.

That sounds familiar too. There's no easy solution to it, in my Mams case she just had to learn to allow myself and my sister to help her with those things. She obviously trusts you, and you may have to talk to her and ask her to realise that she may have to surrender some independence.

LegacyUser

I think part of me is just very angry at the fact that I can't be like everyone else. I have wanted to move out for ages but I couldn't leave my grandaunt with my aunt as they would kill each other and now I feel like I'm even more trapped.

I love my grandaunt fiercely but (and I know this sounds childish and selfish) I feel like this isn't fair. I know at the end of the day I'm the only person really willing to see this through and I'm so angry about that. I know she's an awkward woman but I feel like I'm the only person in the family who remembers how good she was to us alll when we were kids, all my cousins and my aunt even. I dunno, it's just an awful situation.

Jumanji

I don't mean this in a bad way & please do not take offence of it.
I think you're great for what you've written here, & I feel you're right to feel how you do.

but one thing struck me & I just want to say it. But please don'tthink that I'm giving you a hard time. Ok?

25 (or whatever) years ago your grandaunt may also have had plans, dreams & whatever, but she set them to one side to help care for you, your mum & her sister

Is this now your time to return the favour?

& I know this is not something you want to be thinking about, but she's not going to be around forever. It's only a tempoerary hold on your life, if you choose to go down that path.

By the sounds of you, if you didn't do absolutely everything you could for your grandaunt it would eat at you when she's gone.

It is a big ask of anyone, & I applaud you for even considering it.
Best of luck with what you decide

Mighty_Mouse

At this time I was in college but I missed a lot due to the fact that I needed to help with my granny a lot and she died around exam time so I never sat any exams.

Death in a family is rough but:
Who's life are you living here?
Your granaunts have had their chance & lived how they wanted to. Now you're allowed be selfish when it comes to the decision of how you want to spend YOUR life.

Of course you love them, but they could live for ever. Do you want to spend the foreseeable future trapped by family commitments?

LegacyUser

I see what you're saying Mighty_Mouse but this woman is pretty much a parent to me and when people's parents are sick they take care of them. I'm torn tbh.

I'm only 21 and I do feel that I should be trying to make a life for myself but, as Jumanji said, if I don't do everything in my power to help my grandaunt then I know I would regret it for the rest of my life.

light123

Hi there,

It sounds like you want to do this, so do it.

BUT get as much help as possible. Get the carers allowance from the Social Welfare. Get a nurse if you can. Get the other people in the house to help and to help in a big way and if they don't you have every right to be angry with them. Find out if there are organisations that might help like VdP even if it is only someone to talk to. You need to organise this as much as you can. The more its organised the more control you feel you have.

BTW the comparison made before is a little unfair; helping someone grow up and tend to them is a lot easier than helping care for someone who cannot help themselves.

You will have to understand that there is a limit though, your limit. You will find it. How much time can you give this? How many years?
But against this, if at least your tried and it didn't work out at least you tried.

Not to annoy but this feeling of being trapped will continue, don't let it eat you and let it make you bitter.

Good luck with this. Any thoughts on this?

Sonderval

I'm only 21 and I do feel that I should be trying to make a life for myself but, as Jumanji said, if I don't do everything in my power to help my grandaunt then I know I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I think that says it all really - it is better not to live your life with such regret. Your decision will have implications either way, but I know I could never forgive myself for not helping someone that close to me with all my effort and love.