Miss Bea

dak

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left. Then to the right -- right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessssh! Ssssshomebody sssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks,
"Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies.
About that time the officer looks down to see that the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down woefully at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Seeeee!!!! They got my girlfriend, too!!!
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A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up!"

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that, in French, nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine -"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine -"le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups (appropriately enough, by gender) and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun. both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2.They have a lot of data, but they are essentially clueless.

3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Of course, the women's group won!

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GLaDOS

The French for a computer is ordinateur if you want to stick that in

Some good ones there

Hagar

ScienceNerd wrote: »

The French for a computer is ordinateur if you want to stick that in

Some good ones there

*Cough* Masculine *Cough*

Good jokes all the same.

BRIAN1956

Le Stars:p

GLaDOS

Hagar wrote: »

*Cough* Masculine *Cough*

Good jokes all the same.

Didn't want to specify as it would ruin the joke

That and the fact I didn't know