partner suffering with depression

LegacyUser

How does one help a partner with depression?

I have been seeing someone for six months now - a great guy with terrific prospects in life, but he suffers with depression. Our first four months were great, he gave no indication of this condition until recently. We were very close and intimate, he seemed to be a happy go lucky person. Gradually things started to go downhill - less contact, sex drive diminished etc until eventually he admitted that he feels lonely and isolated from life and has done for years.
I have done my utmost to be there for him, an ear to talk to/shoulder to cry on and everything else, but most of the time when he has a negative day to day experience, he seems to go into a bout of depression.

I have my own problems (health is starting to deteriorate due to a hereditary condition which I was told would not effect me - but it has unfortunately it has) I really feel very strongly for him and I am sure he feels the same about me. At 31, I am feeling the want to settle down with a partner and get on with my life while I can but I’m not sure if I’m wasting my time. Sometimes, I also feel that he is so selfish but I have to remind myself what he is going through.

Does there come a point, where one must think about themselves and get on with their own life or can depression be fought with positive outcomes? I also want to know if depressive people just cling to those who are prepared to stick around (and I mean this in the nicest possible way....I don’t want to offend anyone) I get down from time to time myself but usually manage to pull myself out of it. Is there ways of lifting someone out of depression in anyone’s experience?

Thanks in advance

the hero game

hi

firstly, i have depression myself and i know my ex GF had a very hard time dealing with me.. i know even my current flatmate is on a rollercoaster w. me..

i would say that it's great that you want to stick by him and do all you can.. don't feel discouraged if any help you may suggest is repsonded to in a dismissive way.. i know i've been like that with people who are well-meaning.. it's a result of the depressive mind-set unfortunately.. but know that he will know your intentions are good..

also i would say that you should try to be aware that a lot of seemingly hostile behaviour or reaction from him may not be due to how he feels about you but how he feels about himself.. i hope that makes sense.. i know i was quite hostile with my ex GF at times but many times it waqs because i was angry with myself and not her.. but of course it's so hard for the partner to realise this if they are being shouted at or ignored.. i'm sure your BF feels guilty about his depression and this guilt fuels a lot of unpleasantness and miscommunication..

just yesterday i came across a very enlightening website which offered me new insights into the condition.. it purports many ideas including the highly important role of sleep and dreaming in depression (does yr. BF wake up exhausted most days?.. i know i do), dismissing depression as the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, dismissing it as a disease, highlighting that depression can be controlled by trying to modify your styles of thinking.. please PM me for details if u like.. i'd be happy to email you a copy of the document.. it'd be very interesting for you to read as the partner involved..

i don't know if your BF has tried medication or counselling etc. i take anti-depressants (the above article explains what they do and their limitations/possible detrimental effects) and have done counselling before.. tonight i am going to attend my first Aware support group..

so again please PM anytime about anything that i might be able to offer something on.. and i'm sure you wil get a lot of good advice on the board here..

i understand your doubts about getting on with your own life and if you're wasting your time.. i guess you need to encourage him to continue talking openly about the depression.. & it's very important that your BF is supportive of your emerging health problems, especially as you clearly want to be supportive of him..

very best wishes..

the hero game

PS just on the point about clinging, i can only speak for myself but i'd rather be alone than cling on to someone for the sake of it.. r'ships can be so demanding that it has to be worth it..

Gyalist

How does one help a partner with depression?

By encouraging them to go seek professional help. Do not fall into the therapist role. You are his lover not his therapist.

Does there come a point, where one must think about themselves and get on with their own life

Yes.

I think you've already made up your mind about what you should do but you have your doubts about whether it is the right thing to do? Don't be guilt-tripped into staying in a relationship. If you decide to go I'm sure he'll deal with it.