No hope, no love

LegacyUser

Hi guys, regular boardster here but goin unreg.

My main reason for postin here is just to get a lot off my chest really.

I'm single, i've been single all my life. I've been with people before but it never develops into a relationship. From past experiences I've learned not to jump in with both feet and not to come across overly keen straight away, but keen enough for the fella to know I do like him. But i've been used EVERY time. Out of my circle of friends, i'm the only one left who's single. And since my best-friend started seeing her new man, I never see her anymore and she never enquires to see what I'm up to at the weekend. I usually ask her what's she's up to even though I know she's goin to be with her boyfriend (who doesn't live near us) but I just want to keep the contact with her. She lives right beside me and unless we plan somethin 1/2 weeks in advance or he decides he's working we don't see eachother. And since my other friend moved down the country for work and started seeing her new fella she doesn't come home, and if she does he's with her and they go for meals (which ther is nothing wrong with at all) and say she'll meet me in the pub after....which she has yet to do.

I've given up hope of ever having any sort of relationship with a fella, any i've been with have all treated me the same (in, out, shake it all about.....then don't tx/phone ever again) so now when ever there is any interest shown in me I presume they're just the same as the last and don't give it a chance because I'm afraid of being used yet again. One of my old friends had a baby during the year and another one got engaged. I feel soooo happy for them but then it just hits me with a slap that I'm no where near any of those stages. The one who got engaged asked me to be a bridesmaid...i was over joyed but that sayin came into my mind straight away 'always the bridesmaid...etc'.

Sorry for the long post but i just had to get it out, thanks for reading to anyone who did...Mousey

Lux23

I suppose I feel the same way. I think what happens is with some people if their first sexual realtionship is negative they get it into their head that its going to be like that with every fella/girl who comes along. Like you said you just don't give the men you meet a chance and you probably come across as not being interested. Its also really hard to meet single men once you get to your mid 20s. I honestly don't know what the solution is but try to keep your head up. Try to meet some new friends and don't rely on people to always be around to go out with you all the time.

john1963

you dont say what age you are. can i be honest and say that sometimes people are happier on their own. when you say you feel used is it because of sex. i do believe that a special person is out there for everyone

Petey2006

OP, do you mind me asking how old you are? I sometimes feel like I'm destined to a life of celebate singularity, even though I've had at least two pretty decent relationships in the past, and a bunch of pretty bad short term relationships. I'm now 26, haven't dated in nearly 4 years, and I do sometimes thing there's something wrong with me & I'll never be seeing someone again since most of my friends are engaged or in long term relationships. But then I have moments of clarity and realize it'll happen in it's own time. It can really get ya down seeing others in happy relationships. But give it time and give some guys a chance to get to know you (and you him) and it'll happen in time.

Best of luck

vorbis

You posted asking for advice so I'll try and give some.

Firstly, how attractive are you? This is a big indicator for how long a guy will stick around (at first). If you're not attractive and you're hooking up with attractive guys then they are using you for sex (in general). If you are fairly attractive then at least one guy would hang around for a while. Dating works best when both people are near each other in attractiveness.

Secondly, whats your personality like? You come across as bitter from your post. Are you the complaining type? I am and if its not controlled its VERY unattractive. Guys like women who are upbeat and who compliment them. Its really as simple as that.

Lastly, what type of guy are you looking for? If you have been used by EVERY single guy then you are picking jerks / assholes / etc. For a longer term relationship you need to pick a guy who's OPEN to that idea. Ther guy who's chancing 20 different girls on a night out or who has a different girl each forthnight is probably not open to a relationship.

In future, hold off on the sex for a few dates and see if ye actually click. Don't feel under pressure about the dates having to go anywhere. Just be upbeat, non needy and see if you actually like the guy.

wildgazelle

I am 39 and still single,had quite a few realthionships,some long,some short but i still believe that i will meet someone special,you just got to get out there and date.,its a mine field out hereand you will prob get ur heart broke, but sure that the nature of the beast called realthionships. "every shot you dont take will mis a 100%"Cheers up:)and keep trying,he is waiting for u!!!!

gamblitis

You've said that you've been used by every guy you've but you must be giving the wrong signals.Thats the only reason i can suggest for this.I know some guys have little or no respect for some women but dont take all men for the mugs you have unluckily hooked up with.You've just had a few bad picks out of a very good bunch.Believe me!Because its true!Not all men are out to get you.

By the way your talking about your friends i'd put about 28 on you, which is still really young.The average age for marraige is increasing all the time.You should get out there and make this time worth while coz your single,so you have the best opportunity with least constraints soon many years will have passed and you'll wonder where your life went.

Now that your friends have fella's they are gonna find it harder for to make time with you because they mightn't get to see each other all the time either, so to resolve this i would suggest heading out some night maybe meeting some old friends from college and that way you can enlargen your circle of friends and not have to rely on the same few every weekend to head out with.

That way you can get back into the swing of things.Now this may seem childish or whatever word you may put on it but you should get your friends to suss out some guys you meet in a pub/club in future just to make sure you wont be made another "notch" on some guys headboard.Make sure you know your feelings known from the start.You dont want some guy thinking your up for something casual and the dropping a bomb on him that your looking for a very serious relationship.He'll run so quick you wont even see his back.Give him time to think it through and if he's the one he'll probably have similar ideas and be happy enough to carry on the relationship.

Hope this helps.If you have any more info it would be great just to give us a better idea so we can help ya out more.k

supertramp

My advice is from my own experiences.
Anytime I've found someone is when I wasn't looking. More often than not I was looking and never found anyone.

I think if you're actively looking your personality is changed slightly. Whereas when I wasn't I was more relaxed, and more myself, and found love twice.

You just have to relax, be yourself, and trust in life, as there someone for everyone, that is for sure.

dazberry

supertramp wrote: »

You just have to relax, be yourself, and trust in life, as there someone for everyone, that is for sure.

Oh please - the biggest problem with being single is having to listen to this sort of carp (with respect). Indeed, relax, be yourself and enjoy life (that's the main bit) - but beyond that, if you want to cheat the odds, you got to play the numbers - if you're not willing to play the numbers, well then its down to luck. If you're not lucky, no amount of not looking is going to work for you. That's from my own experience.

D.

aoife2k

vorbis wrote: »

You posted asking for advice so I'll try and give some.

Firstly, how attractive are you? This is a big indicator for how long a guy will stick around (at first). If you're not attractive and you're hooking up with attractive guys then they are using you for sex (in general). If you are fairly attractive then at least one guy would hang around for a while. Dating works best when both people are near each other in attractiveness.

I would consider myself pretty attractive. I'm not a size 0 my any means but i'm not a beached whale either. And the guys I usually 'hook up with' as you put it are not anything overly stunning. They're attractive to me but not necessarly to lots of other girls. I'm 22, and i know my original post made me sound like a shrivelled up old hag but it gets me down sometimes ya know...

vorbis wrote: »

Secondly, whats your personality like? You come across as bitter from your post. Are you the complaining type? I am and if its not controlled its VERY unattractive. Guys like women who are upbeat and who compliment them. Its really as simple as that.

Complaining type? Not me. Ok, my post sounds bitter but as I said in it i just wanted to get things off my chest. Im a very friendly, out going kind of girl who likes to have a laugh and I don't take myself too seriously. I'm a musician so I'm usually in a pub playin music (traditional) but not always drinking. I make a point of being friendly, greeting someone I meet for the first time with smile, handshake and an 'it's nice to meet you', because playing the sort of music I play in that scene you meet new musicians/people all the time.

vorbis wrote: »

Lastly, what type of guy are you looking for? If you have been used by EVERY single guy then you are picking jerks / assholes / etc. For a longer term relationship you need to pick a guy who's OPEN to that idea. Ther guy who's chancing 20 different girls on a night out or who has a different girl each forthnight is probably not open to a relationship.

In future, hold off on the sex for a few dates and see if ye actually click. Don't feel under pressure about the dates having to go anywhere. Just be upbeat, non needy and see if you actually like the guy.

The last fella I was with didn't get sex out of me. I really really really liked him so I didn't want to scupper things so I just played it cool. We used to meet up all the time and talk about everything and anything. He stayed over at my house once but didn't get anything out of me. Of course we kissed and cuddled but that was it. I made a point (to myself) of not having sex with him.....then he stopped texting/phoning and wanting to meet up. So I'm sure I can be forgiven for thinking they're all out for one thing with me.

supertramp wrote: »

My advice is from my own experiences.
Anytime I've found someone is when I wasn't looking. More often than not I was looking and never found anyone.
I think if you're actively looking your personality is changed slightly. Whereas when I wasn't I was more relaxed, and more myself, and found love twice.

If i had a Euro for every time I heard that i'd be rich....I'm not looking. My soul purpose at weekends is not going out to hunt down a potential life partner, I go out because i'm at home all day everyday during the week and to spend time with the girls. And if a nice fella comes along then it's a bonus...but i've not been looking for ages now and I still ain't met anyone. Maybe I should get a dog...;)

Nerin

And if a nice fella comes along then it's a bonus...but i've not been looking for ages now and I still ain't met anyone. Maybe I should get a dog... _

any animal should suffice,i generally find them more logical and better company than most humans

Spoony2

switsoo

your 22 you've got alllllllllllllllllll the time in the world chill .

Have fun in genrall

Im 26 all my mates have got girlfreiends. its very boreing there all well behevaed and stuff and know fun . But any way I aint got a car I aint got a girl friend, I have got a job at least but im haveing to much enjoyment readig listening to music haveing fun surfing snowboarding skate boarding rock climbing.

where as all my friend live a ground hog day life style which would really get to me. I hate routine all my friends think its normal to live a life of routine get up eat breakfast walk out door into car turn on radio drive to work walk into work have lunch staring out of th same window every day, finish work drive home walk in the door havea shower blah blah blah its bull **** and im not ready to be that unhappy sorry im babeling.


One question how many of the last blokes have you seen have been musicans? .

and hell yeah to dogs i love my dog's ....

serously your not the only single person out there and every one in ireland is breaking up at the mo hahaha so serously dont stress...

b3t4

OP, a couple of weeks back, I was in exactly the same situation as you.

I had resigned myself to the notion that if I were to meet my life partner in my 30's, 40's or 50's then that's no biggy. I mean if you meet them at that age you're looking to spend a good 40, 30 or 20 years with that person. I think, as most people would, that length of time is pretty substantial. When I realised this, I decided that I was going to make the most of my single life and not rush the whole getting into a relationship thing.

I had been single for a number of years before meeting someone a couple of weeks back. Even though I didn't particularly like being single, for similar reasons that you describe, being single for that amount of time allowed me to develop me as a person. Knowing more about myself has really helped me now that I am in a relationship. Also, not having someone for so long means you appreciate them all the more when they do come along.

I'm, now (read I wasn't a couple of weeks back ), happy that I didn't meet him a couple of years previously. I'm happy that life threw other obstacles in the way before I met him. In the end the timing was right for both of us and we got together. I had honestly come to believe that what I am currently feeling was something that only happened to other people.

I know how hard the above is to take when you're single. I'm giving you my story to show you that there is hope that your situation will change. Take your time and enjoy yourself to the full. Life, generally, has a funny way of working itself out, even if you don't believe it will at the time

A

seraphimvc

not come in to give advice but just simply like the thread:Dit makes me feel...better?ha

i guess lots of people (even with a partner) feel lonely/boring sometimes ,just less or more in comparative.

but still,for myself,especially while walking back home/waiting bus/weekend,i feel really really boring and lonely sometimes...feels better if lads are around for a day or two,but most of the time i am on my own.:rolleyes:but i think this is normal to everyone ,is it?as so,i text alot with friends...accompany them while they are waiting bus etc...

so,OP,maybe thinking that there are lots of people like you will comfort you abit?spending time on hobbies,pet,etc sure will kill our time well:)good luck to you , me and everyone!:D

arbeitsscheuer

seraphimvc wrote: »

not come in to give advice but just simply like the thread:Dit makes me feel...better?ha

i guess lots of people (even with a partner) feel lonely/boring sometimes ,just less or more in comparative.

but still,for myself,especially while walking back home/waiting bus/weekend,i feel really really boring and lonely sometimes...feels better if lads are around for a day or two,but most of the time i am on my own.:rolleyes:but i think this is normal to everyone ,is it?as so,i text alot with friends...accompany them while they are waiting bus etc...

so,OP,maybe thinking that there are lots of people like you will comfort you abit?spending time on hobbies,pet,etc sure will kill our time well:)good luck to you , me and everyone!:D

Ditto to everything in this post. Spot on mate, you pretty well described my situation/feelings/thoughts there, nail-on-head.

OP, I'm the same age as you and pretty much in the same position. 22, never had a serious relationship, I've been single for about 2 years at this point (since the last brief month-long fling) and am just finding it really hard-going to tell you the truth. There's actually a mate of mine who is getting married too, it's mental! But those are the breaks. I wish I could dispense some advice to perk ya up or giv ya some cause for optimism but if I could do that I'd probably wouldn't be in the same position as you!:o

I can only wish ya good luck darlin, hope ya meet someone special who is right for you.

gandalf

22 sure you are only a youngster, enjoy your singledom. I'm 38 and still single and loving every moment of it. All my married friends envy my freedom. Get a hobby or interest of some kind that will take up your time. The thing is you will meet the right person for you eventually but make sure you enjoy the time between that as much as you can.

CerebralCortex

b3t4 wrote: »

OP, a couple of weeks back, I was in exactly the same situation as you.

I had resigned myself to the notion that if I were to meet my life partner in my 30's, 40's or 50's then that's no biggy. I mean if you meet them at that age you're looking to spend a good 40, 30 or 20 years with that person. I think, as most people would, that length of time is pretty substantial. When I realised this, I decided that I was going to make the most of my single life and not rush the whole getting into a relationship thing.....

Good outlook but what if you wanted to have kids?

aoife2k

gandalf wrote: »

Get a hobby or interest of some kind that will take up your time.

I don't need anymore hobbies! I'm a musician and that's all i do...i play music all the time, it's a source of income for me and a social outlet...I can sit at home for 5/6 hours and play tunes all day long then go and do a 3 hr gig.

Spoony2 wrote: »

One question how many of the last blokes have you seen have been musicans?

Out of the last 3 fellas i've been with 2 of them were musicians. It's nice bein with someone who shares the same passion and interest in something but it's also nice to get out of that area once in a while, overloading on one subject can't be good either. I'm going back to Uni next year hopefully, so that might help things.

I am enjoying not being 'tied down' for want of a better phrase...but goin home on my own is really starting to get me down.

Lux23

You know this thing of stop looking and it will come along for your. How exactly do you stop looking? That may sound like a stupid question but in reality its very difficult to just stop looking for a fella. The only way you can stop is to get one in my experience, as soon as I start seeing someone lads automatically pay more attention.

aoife2k

Lux23 wrote: »

You know this thing of stop looking and it will come along for your. How exactly do you stop looking? That may sound like a stupid question but in reality its very difficult to just stop looking for a fella. The only way you can stop is to get one in my experience, as soon as I start seeing someone lads automatically pay more attention.

I no exactly what you mean....I was seein a fella and we'd only offically been 'together' for 2 weeks when all these other guys I used to fancy the pants off started chatting to me etc etc...

I'm so grateful that so many of you took the time to read my rant and even reply!

Andy-Pandy

OP dont worry, im thirty and never been in love, i dont let it get me down, i know one day the right person will come along and then the wait will have been worth it. If you look to hard for that 'right' person, people can sence it and you leave youself open to being used.

aoife2k

ok so i'm sure u've all realised at this stage that I forgot to go unreg again for my replies...ah well :eek: lol

Clare Bear

Don't analyse things so much OP...get out there, meet new people, have fun...you're young, plenty of time for whatever is around the corner. You can't force these things, just enjoy your life! Best of luck.

AnonoBoy

I didn't fall in love until I was 22 and I met the girl completely by chance through friends of friends. I didn't even believe in love at the time. Now I do! (And this is after this girl broke my heart earlier this year)

It will happen though. You will meet a great guy who treats you well and you'll fall in love. Then he'l break your heart (or you'll break his) - it will happen. You'll swear that you'll never do it again but then goldfish memory will kick in and it'll happen all over again.

It's life - it's fun. It will happen. Just be patient

estar

my advice is to give up worrying about it and hoping for it
and concentrate on getting the most out of every single
day. do adventurous things. forget about meeting the
right man and just get out there and enjoy yourself.

as long as you are open to it and friendly and look and act
like you like yourself and are happy with your lot, the
right man will come along.

also the advice about not having sex until you are sure
you are in a relationship is a good one. if a man is
not prepared to wait and just get to know you hes not
for you. follow that principle and you wont go wrong
and avoid the one night stand / after two or three dates
lottery - and you find out what hes really made of -
all about the physical or deeper.